A
female
age
36-40,
*ls022
writes:Hi aunts and uncles. I’m having an issue with one of my friends which is causing me quite a bit of stress that I’d like your advice on. I love her to bits but she’s always acted like a doormat. It’s almost like she takes pride in being that way, like she’s the ‘nice one’ while the rest of us are overly ‘harsh’ for simply enforcing our boundaries. This has been a recurrent theme for the 20+ years I’ve known her but her current relationship is starting to become very draining on our friendship.She’s 34 and for the past 9 or 10 months has been ‘dating’ a 21 year old man that she works with. At first he showered her with affection and she completely fell for him. As I said, she’s had terrible relationships before due to picking emotionally unavailable/uninterested men so this one actually seemed like a better option despite the age difference. I was privately concerned that she has always wanted children and that’s less likely to happen with him but of course that’s her business so I wished them well and that was that.Fast forward to now, and I hear from her regularly about how she’s annoyed at him for his behaviour. He barely texts or calls her back and they’ve only seen each other once in 6 months due to the lockdown. This is despite the fact we have been allowed to meet up with other people here for months now as long as we’re careful. He’s told her he’s too freaked out about COVID to leave his house, which of course could be the case. But it doesn’t explain his lack of contact/communication and him being rude to her when she tries to speak to him about why he has become distant. It also, in my opinion, means he doesn’t have anything to offer in a relationship at the moment. But then I am the harsh one ;)My feeling is he is trying to treat her badly so she ends the relationship, but she is not taking the hint. In fact, she is now convinced she needs to reach out to him more to help with his ‘anxiety’. She is also completely fixated on the fact he told her he loves her a few months ago and that he wants her to be his wife and the mother of his children one day, despite the fact it’s clear he can’t even be bothered to text her back now unless he’s sending her Snapchat photos of himself. She even invited him round to have sex the other day (they’ve not done it yet) and he just didn’t reply to her message. He ignored the question for over a week, yet she still stayed in on that Saturday night in case he suddenly decided to reply. When he didn’t, she called me in tears for hours asking why COVID has to have come along and ruin her relationship.I know this is none of my business really, but I feel like I hear about it constantly yet she continues to do the same thing. She is convinced he loves her and is just struggling right now, and said she is prepared to wait for him for as long as it takes until he gets over his fear. But in the meantime, she is panicking about running out of time to have children etc. She constantly contacts me looking for reassurance, which I can’t give as I agree she should be worried about that at her age. I’m the same age and I’ve been in a 2 year relationship which is really strong and even I’m still worried I might not have time if I don’t get to it soon. But with all that being said, I don’t feel I can completely cut her off either. She doesn’t have the greatest relationship with her mum so she can’t talk to her, and all of her other friends are more like acquaintances. Plus given the lockdown, she’s pretty isolated and I know people are struggling with mental health anyway. I have told her how I feel and that I’m worried she’s wasting her time on someone who doesn’t deserve it but she just keeps saying she knows he loves her and she’s just frustrated that COVID has come along and ruined things for them. She has also mentioned once or twice that it’s not like she can just go out and meet someone new just now, so I think she knows deep down it’s not right but doesn’t feel she can do any better right now?I suppose any advice is appreciated. Do I need to tell her to stop talking to me about this or suck it up and keep trying to be a good friend?
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (18 October 2020):
 I think at time people do some really DUMB shit and they KNOW that it is dumb, but it's what they "THINK" they really want, so reality is ignored.
I think SHE knows he isn't a good choice for a long term partner, SHE knows he isn't into her, she knows she is wasting her time. But in her head and fantasies they work out. She wants SO badly to believe that HE really wants to marry her and have a family with her that she is disregarding everything else. YOU can't "combat that" or make her see the truth, because she KNOWS the truth but refuses to accept it.
Given the fact that he isn't TRYING to BE with her, COVID or not.... makes me think that initially he thought she might be "fun" or a notch in his bedpost, but that he lost interest pretty fast. I wouldn't be surprised if he blocks her at some point. He is 21! BARELY an adult. I'd ALMOST compare it to HIM dating someone 13 years younger... 13 years is a HUGE age gap I feel until after about 25-27 ish. Especially when the younger party is a male as they DO seem to mature (mentally) a bit slower.
Some (especially women) go for unavailable love interests. Because it means they get some "drama" in their lives that makes them feel alive. To many of us it makes no sense. But they feed on the drama. They can share their "woes" with friends and make EVERYTHING about them and their "achy breaky heart".
I think Anon is absolutely right, that you need to pull back and be less available and to STOP trying to fix the issue or make her see reality (that he isn't interested and she is wasting her time).
THIS IS NOT your monkey nor your circus.
It is OK to tell her: " I really don't know what to tell you that I haven't already, but I will try and be here if you need to vent". And then JUST listen. Having friend who can LISTEN is gold. Be that friend when you HAVE to extra energy. JUST listen. Don't try and fix things. Again, like anon said, you CAN NOT change him OR her. ONLY how you react to all this.
With that said, DON'T feel that you OWE her to listen to same crap over and over or make yourself miserable because YOU are doing good in YOUR relationship and she isn't. If you have a day where you just need PEACE and QUIET, don't answer your phone. Or tell her that you don't have more than 5 minutes to talk because you are busy. And then stick to it.
I think when people have their heads filled with negative stuff they don't always realize how negative they are and how it affects others. Which is why introducing POSITVE stuff can be good. Sometimes saying things like :" tell me something good that happened today or this week" can interrupt their little "woe is me fest" and change the subject. It's a good little distraction technique. But it might also CHEER both of you up.
Don't forget: YOUR mental health is important.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2020): Your friend is daft. First she picks a totally unsuitable man. Then she fails to see that he has lost interest and the relationship ended ages ago. Then she comes to you bleeting about it and fails to see that you are out of your depth with advice and how to handle her yourself.The first thing a wiser person does when seeking advice and support is to carefully select who they go to for this support. She chooses you because she knows you always go along with it, she is choosing quantity over quality.It would make more sense for her to go to a professional agony aunt and pay them, or a relationship expert or life coach. She is the sort who would need advice at every turn, regularly, so even if you somehow get through this latest drama with her she will then be going on about the next one.Or did you not think of that?!
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (18 October 2020):
 I find it interesting that you claim to have boundaries which you enforce, yet you are unable to do this with your "friend". While I admire your loyalty towards her and your wish to support her, this appear to be coming at a huge personal cost to YOU. At some point you are going to have to decide what is more important and I would strongly suggest it should be YOUR peace of mind and mental health.
I think one of your major issues here is that you are trying to actually help/fix her problems. I think it might help you to keep in mind at all times that (1) these are HER problems, (2) they are of HER making, (3) she is a mature woman of sound mind, who is capable of making her own choices and decisions, and (4) you are under no obligation to try to help her.
I would advise distancing yourself a little from her issues and not feeling like you have to actually have input on them. Listen to her by all means (if you feel you cannot cut her off) but stop being drawn into the dramas she is choosing to create.
I find it very strange that a 21 year old lad has been "dating" a woman in her 30s for nearly a year and has even had a point blank offer of sex put on the table and not taken it up. Something doesn't ring right here.
Bottom line: your friend's problems are not YOUR problems. If you don't want to lose contact with her, why not just carry on listening but not offering any advice? Just let her talk and insert "hm, yes" and "I hear what you are saying" in the right places. Then forget about the conversation completely once it's over. Look after yourself first and foremost.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2020): She is not as dumb as she makes out. She knows he has lost interest but she wants it to sound and seem as if it is all ok. She wants to blame the virus because that way she does not have to question whether or not she picked the right guy or if his behaviour is honourable or acceptable.Since the virus I have had more and more clients to me for therapy with this sort of problem.They set their sights on an unsuitable or disinterested man and then when it all goes wrong - as it is bound to - they say this is because of the virus. They do not want to admit to themselves it would have gone wrong anyway.You cannot change him or her, but you can be sensible about yourself and tell yourself to stop being her doormat, always there to listen and sympathise.If you can put all of this effort into looking at what your friend does you can put in more effort into what you do or not do!Stop being always available. If she rings be too busy to take the call. Don't return it later. Wait a few days at least and then refuse to talk about that.
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