A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:BACKGROUND: I met him in fall, 2008 - both in our early 30s, professionals in DC. For about a month, we had a mutual new love with hope, excitement and passion. I fell hard - he was charming, handsome, confident, fun. THE PENDING MOVE: He then told me he was moving west for work in 6 months. I felt strongly enough about him and have considerable means and job flexibility that I would have followed him or at least tried to have a long distance relationship for some time. However, he quickly made it clear that he was unsure of what our future held; that he did not want to commit to me; that he did not care to meet my family; that he did not consider me in making choices; etc. At the same time, he pressed to spend time with me, becoming controlling and interested in me when I would try to build my own life without him. POST MOVE DRAMA: Then he moved, and my heart broke completely, after feeling like it was breaking daily for 6 months while he hung his impending departure over my head. He was in the west and lonely, I believe, which I believe is why he called on me to come visit and explore his new town with him. I jumped at the chance to have such an amazing person want to be with me. Still, he did not want a commitment; I suspected that he was using me until he found someone else locally. He repeatedly focused on seemingly petty reasons to not want a long-term relationship with me: I do not know how to ski, I am skinny/fragile, my family is from the east, I am scared of butterfiles and needles, and similar quirks. Nonetheless, to the detriment of my career and checkbook, I repeatedly visited him, only to feel inadequate from his constant reminders of my "imperfections."THE END: I became stronger and broke it off with him. He became frantic, begging me to continue the relationship. I tried, several times, but the same issues remained. For the second year in a row, he did not want to spend Christmas with me because I do not know how to ski (though I would love to learn). I broke up with him with finality after the brutal Christmas, to start the new year off on a clean slate.THE ISSUE: I met a nice man a few months later, who I am dating and with whom I just moved into a new place. Life should be good. But, I sadly obsess on the lost love. Whereas he would never even acknowledge publicly that I was his girlfriend after a year and a half, he got engaged to a girl he met in the west after only a few months. I am left feeling sad and inadequate - there is no answer to my question of what I could have done differently to make him love me. He just didn't. THE QUESTION: Any advice to help me to move on without longing for him constantly and to stop feeling that I am inadequate, undesireable and flawed because this man did not love me?
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female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (13 July 2010):
 I agree that it is terrible how he treated you, and no one deserves to be treated like that....but I think there were a bunch of red flags that were ignored:
1) You were ready to move across the country with him after knowing him only a month. IMHO it takes longer than a month to truly know someone and I think a month is way too soon to make that kind of major decision.
2) He told you before he moved that he wasn't interested in becoming serious. When he told you he didn't want to commit, that was your signal to bail. Instead you held on tighter, which was his signal that he could do whatever to your heart and you would come back for more. He was a predator, and predators look for signals like that. They look for lonely people they can take advantage of.
3) He moved, called you up for convenient sex and companionship, and continued to show why he wasn't a good match for you, yet you went back.
4) Finally, you are still hung up on the wrong dang question. You cannot do anything differently to make a man love you who did not love you in the first place. He never loved you. You were only a convenience for him. I know this is pretty brutal to say but I feel it is important for you to realize. You cannot love someone into loving you. You cannot change a man who doesn't want to be changed. No amount of love, affection, giving or bending over backwards will make someone change if it isn't in them. You will bang your head against a wall and end up hurt over and over again.
So instead of thinking about this guy who was not good enough for you, I think that you should focus on how to love yourself. Until you learn to love and value yourself, you will always be at risk for this type of relationship. I think talking to a counselor about this may be of great help to you.
Good luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2010): Time, time, time and more time honey...that is what it will take. Pray and time. In the meantime, you might benefit from reading self help relationship books and seeking therapy. I know how it feels to fall hard for someone only to discover that they never cared or loved you to begin with. I could understand him not loving you in the beginning stages of dating..say for like the first six months or so...but two years? He should have known by then if he wanted a future with you. I would like to believe it was just timing, but the guy did tell you that he didn't see a future with you in so many words. And who knows how he feels about this new woman...maybe it will last, and maybe it won't, but it will not change how he feesls about you. I think you need to spead alot of time understanding how love works, how people express they're feelings and finding out how and why you chose a guy like him and stay with him for so long, and how not to allow that to happen again.
As far as this new guy you are speaking of...you should not date him because, he is really just a rebound for you. You are not over your ex and what if this new guy starts to fall hard for you? You will end up doing the same thing to him that your ex did to you. So don't drag an innocent person into this mess. Get yourself right first before you even think about dating again. It's clear that you are far from over your ex.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (12 July 2010):
 I suspect your a very lovely woman. I also suspect your kind and caring, love your family and believe in loving your man.
You feel inadequate, undesirable and flawed because that is how your ex left you feeling. You invested emotions and time, with a good true and believing heart. Everything you were so sure about in yourself was challenged by someone you expected to reciprocate your love...thing is darling, he didn't. He let you down, he didn't love you the same as you loved him and your mind (as intelligent and beautiful and romantic as it is) is desperately trying to still make a square peg fit into a round hole.
You were prepared to sacrifice a lot for this man...and in the cold light of day, he didn't do the same for you and this has left you wondering (subconsciously) 'Why wasn't I good enough for him?'
It seems cliche to say 'You were too good for him', but in the end things couldn't go any further because he didn't want them to. You can never ever truly know what is going on in someone elses head, but their actions seldom lie.
You couldn't have done any more than you did. You offered all you had to give and he decided you wern't for him.
If you go back, you know things won't work out...you just need to keep reminding yourself of everything that went wrong...and eventually your heart will let go.
Don't waste you life pining for someone who doesnt love you.
Your not inadequate, undesirable and flawed because someone else is with you and seeing you with new eyes and hopes in his heart...and I think that is worth a shot.
AEx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2010): What happened here is that you've created an idol for yourself and let this idol do whatever he wanted todo with you. You kept being w/a guy who made you feel bad about about yourself, that was a major mistake, that many women make.
The fact that he engaged to someone only after few months of knowing her means nothing. Youdon't know what will happen w/them in a future.
He was not a very nice guy. He told you things that made you feel bad, he was playing with you, not thinking about your feelings. He was pretty honest w/you though about not wanting long distance relationship, but you hang around anyway.
You don't need him or anyone else to validate who you are. Now you have a nice guy, concentrate on him. Good luck.
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