A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have a problem. I have a 15 year old. When she was younger she was told she could not date until she was 16. Well she has always been stubborn since birth. Anyhow she decided she didnt want to wait and started "going with" a boy in my mothers neighborhood at 12 or 13 maybe even 11. I used to let her go to the girls house down the street and it was her brother that she started going with. So she never follow this rule to begin with. She was caught by an aunt hugged up with this boy and thats how it came out. then one day something told me to take the phone out of her hand and she was straight having phone sex with this samr boy now 13. and accordingto her it was going on for some time. I took the phone. while she was doing all this phone sexing and sneaking around her grades were CDF some B's and an A here or there. after i took the phone she made honor roll. however they kept trying to date. I forbid her from seeing him or talking to him anymore since obviously they were heavy into very explicit sexual communication. Which for me was HIGHLY inappropriate for 13 year olds. I told him to not contact her any further. She has done everything to sneak and lie and and keep dating him just found out she snuck out of my mothers house more than once to see him at his school bus stop the same stop he got shot at and get shot at by people who dont like him. Her father and I ate seperated soon to be divorced and I think this boy gave her attention during this time and she had latched onto him she also feel sorry for him. (father got shot) I have tried to get her father to have a voice in this whole issue and his responce it that she need to make a lot of mistakes before she leaves home. WTH!!! But he has no conversation with her about anything sex boys, life nothing he has this opinion that its not such a big deal. PHONE SEX at 13. well i think it could lead to real sex given the stubborn attitude she has (father has the same personality) so its like he doesnt want any restriction on her by me but im to hard on her bla bla.bla. Yet i believe she need to hear from him concerning this boy thing because i think she is seeking male attention from him cause dear old dad is MIA in her life when it comes to serious stuff. Anyway i found her diary and she is HEAVY into fantacizing about this boy having sex with her, impregnating her youname it. Total fantacy. seh has already found out that he was "cheating on her" and had a girlfriend at his school. They only see eachother if she visits my moms housse. other wise they sneak messages to eachother. I talked to his mother and told her I wanted him to stop taliking to my daughter but u can tell she is spaced out. she has two men living in her house. dating one and sleeping with the other. Her oldest son just returned form prison. So this is not a house hold that is okay with me. and her behavior and this IM in love with him stuff is wearing me out. Grades are slipping again and i suspect he is in the picture again. I dont know what to do. I believe she is ubsesses. and she keeps lying about everything. Im tired. Advice pleasse. i have been tempted to let her date him or something but that seem stupid if he is already aiming for her sexually. and she is already fantacizing. I dont want ot be a grand mother. YET. I totally dotn trust er at all anymore she lies so much. She could end up like those "girls in the wrong place at the wrong time and get hurt or something. I think he is bad news. they have been using facebook and friends to keep dibs on eachother. HEEEELP!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUPDATE: she is in college doing well. Turns out that she was being abused by a close family friend. It wasnt the divorce. I had to come down like a hammer to deal with this person and his parents who wanted to write it off as kids messing around. He is not psychologically sound and on meds so I did what I had to do to get him removed from this entire side of town. SHe has been in counseling and we joined a GREAT church that help this all come to light in the first place. SHe is not a leader in the teen department and doing are on the side. GOD IS GOOD. even though I had to still put my foot down.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all your responses. I must clear up the age thing they are both the same age its just that they were 13 when i caught them sexting. Ill give an update soon
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A
female
reader, Sahara z  +, writes (27 December 2010):
Also recommend the book 'Relief for Hurting Parents by Buddy Scott' although I'm not a full on Christian I found this book really helpful, Buddy has a wonderful way of explaining things, it is a comforting read for parents especially when you find yourself at your wits end as to how to deal with your teen or young adult and where to start. It has perfect examples on how to set ground rules for unruly teens and how to keep your rules fair and square.
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A
female
reader, Sahara z +, writes (27 December 2010):
I have every sympathy for you. I agree with what Abella has said. You need to regain control.Though it may make her rebel further, she is already at a dangerous level and you are only doing it out of love for her own good. You are her mum and you sound desperate. You are not alone there are lots of us mums out here who have felt the same. Don't worry too much about diary, young girls often write fantasy rubbish in diaries, (don't let her know you have read it though, as i remember my mother read mine once and I really hated her for it) but you are quite right to want to protect your daughter from falling into making this fantasy a reality for that bf who if he has been cheating clearly isn't after her for the right reasons. She needs to know why you want to protect her. If she was my daughter I would certainly keep her away form mobile phone and internet unless you are supervising.This boy sounds like every parents worse nightmare.There are always too many of this type around, where are the nice young men? Shame on your daughters father for not helping or supporting you in any of this. However please try not to bad mouth him in anyway in front of your daughter or she will use it as another weapon against you and stick up for him, hurting you more. If he is a moron she will discover it for herself one day, and will respect you all the more for not pointing it out.Teenage girls who go through this rebellious streak can turn from lovely girls into complete monsters that parents don't recognise. I have seen it many times with friends teenagers. For some it is a short time for others this painful time can go on for years. I agree it sounds like your daughter is suffering because of the split but it is important for you to know that this can happen to everyone. My own daughter was a model student with an awful lot in life going her way. She was gorgeous, kind, caring, clever, talented and everything we could have wished for in a daughter, she never appeared to go through a teenage rebellion and we thought we had got off lightly but when she turned 18 everything changed. She had a gorgeous boyfriend who adored her but he was in the lower 6th form (yr below) she got teased and he (being the 'it boy' of his year had a lot of girls in his yr who were jealous and did everything in their power via facebook to ruin the relationship between him and my daughter. We even went into school about it and had enough evidence printed off facebopk to take several of these jealous girls to court (we didn't, because at the end of the day we understood they were just jealous teens who without the tool of facebook couldn't have done as much damage) but anyway our daughter probably embarrassed and frustrated in the situation she found herself in went completely off the rails, she began chatting via text on mobile to a much older man (gardener who had been working at the school) He was much older and although we found it funny at first (i thought he was just bit of rough trying his luck and she was just enjoying extra attention and never in my dreams did i imagine she would fall for someone like that) but right in front of our eyes she started to change, she lied and lied, became really sneaky telling us she was going out with the nice boyfriend (when it turned out she was meeting this older man) and his friends (druggies) and so she got involved with wrong crowd,she left home to live with the convicted drug dealer, she then told everyone who would listen that we had thrown her out (when she had in fact moved out behind our back when we were out). In the real low lives she found sympathy some gave her money, clothes even a car and used her for what they could. We had police out to us (my husband and I had never been involved with police in our lives) it was horrendous she tried to do us for harassment for trying to contact her, yet told people we didn't care and the drug dealer she moved in with claimed we had hit man after him and he needed police protection! We found ourselves in a living nightmare we did not recognise our daughter. On the few times i did see her she got into rages just swearing and screaming obscenities at me and stamping her feet like a toddler. I cried and cried but there was nothing we could do because of her age. At 18 she could do whatever she wanted but in our eyes she was acting years below her age in the manner in which she had chosen to go about it all. It was a complete shock something we could never of imagined happening. We had always been a close happy family. No split ups no extreme pressure on her to pursue a certain career, we thought we were relatively easy going, we had always talked openly etc. - Two years on our daughter finally saw sense, she left the drug dealer and came home but things are far from perfect it is still like treading on eggshells as she refuses to talk about anything that happened and still has a bit of an attitude and will shout down anyone with a different point of view to hers, so my husband quite often do the whole reverse phycology thing as if we say its black she will swear its white. (Which is where i can see that if you did let this bf of your daughters come round to you on a Friday night (and only with you there 100% of time) and be interested in him, she probably wouldn't be quite so into him). If you shut him out and forbid contact it may well seem like even more of a challenge. If you can express your concerns but keep control and appear to be fare by letting her have him visit you will have the upper hand and she won't be able to rebel against you. Even now our daughter seems to lie which is hard for us because we are never sure now when she is telling the truth. So if you can stop the lying or reason for the lying sneaky behaviour that would be good because from our experience the lying soon becomes a habit. The positive thing for you in your situation is that you still have some control because of the age of your daughter. I would also stop your daughter from going to your mums, bring your mum to your place instead.Keep control. With your daughters interest in sex it is probably is a good idea to get her clued up with contraception. If you say in your eyes she is a bit ahead of her time but incase of anything happening in the future you would rather she knew it all and make all the advise available to her but also be sure to let her know all the negative bits look up sexual diseases with her online (tell a white lie of your own if you have to and say that a friend of yours once slept with this guy when she was a teen and he gave her... sexual disease and look it up) let her look at those horrible picture of infections! Education and information can often be best form of defence. It may also help if you looked up some of the questions on this site posted by other teens together. Ask your daughter how she would answer and why you could copy and paste ones you think might help. She may then realise that lots of people have different problems with situations in their lives. It may help her see her own situation from another angle. That article 'understanding teenagers' is also definately worth reading. If you find it difficult to talk to your daughter, then you may find writing her a letter or even leaving her a note to read telling her that no matter what you still love her but you are worried and expressing your concerns may help. This avoids a shouting match and will quite often strike a nerve. Though be very careful about what you write (as in do not be critical of the bf or your daughters father). This was something we were advised to do and did to our own daughter stressing that although we didn't agree with what she had done and was doing we still loved her and she could come back whenever she wanted.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (25 December 2010):
 hi Flynn 24/ anonymous male, my suggestions are just that, suggestions where one suggestion might be helpful or none or some.
I responded to the pain of a parent, that spoke to me through the words written. Before i wrote my reply i sat down and tried to think, with empathy, how I would feel as a parent, if it was me.
And what I wrote was from the heart to let the parent know that others out there care.
I drew on what I have heard first hand from the out of control teen who lives opposite (said teen, who I have known since was very little, still talks to me, though most neighbors will not, after seeing Police at that place so often)
Have seen parents of that teen in tears when teen taken into custody for serious offences. That teen seems to find it OK that I am not fazed nor intimidated, but continue to be a listening post when teen walks over to talk to me. Said teen seems intrigued that i have got through life with no alcohol, no illicit drugs, no cigarettes and no desire for same. And teen is now closer to 18 and starting to realise that some of the 'friends' of that teen are bad news, but kid still, erroneously, impressed with all run-ins kid has had with police. One time Police drew their guns at this teen for threatening police with a weapon. This teen has had much counselling and court appearances, and a period away from home. Later parents tried option of having teen stay hundreds of miles away with an Aunt and Uncle in the country, to try to break the cycle.
I think this teen, now nearly 18, is starting to realise is lucky to still be alive, especially after the threatening police episode. But said teen still behaving in at risk ways, especially re boys arriving, parking outside waiting like Tom cats for teen to come outside.
And I seen first hand, or from listening to other parents at school, about out of control teens.
My other neighbor has a son, now 19, is in gaol, for drug dealing, but that boy has been bad news for years. Even though his brother is the opposite. And I know his parents and they have always been good parents. The mom can't visit her son in gaol anymore as he is so abusive to her verbally. The dad still visits gaol each week, and for his trouble is sometimes spat at by his son and verbally abused still.
I lost a good friend, when her child murdered her, after being refused the use of the parent's car for teen to drive at 13 to see boyfriend, who could not come to her due to his 'ankle bracelet' and so confined to his home.
Some teens are out of control.
And a parent who takes head in the sand mentality thinking ''it will just right itself'' if no action is taken could be in for a shock. But which action is up to the parent.
Yes i listed all things i could recall ever being used. Or suggested to parents by others, trying all and anything, when their child is out of control.
When a parent is at wit's end then parent needs every bit of support possible - but the parent chooses which (if any) suggestion is appropriate for her situation.
Parents in these situations need every option possible on the table (so the parent can decide which option/s best suit their child's situation)
Parents know that when a child is out of control in more than one area of their lives, that it is inevitable the child is heading towards situations the child cannot handle, or should not have to face.
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (25 December 2010):
 You may want to consider switching things up. Take your daughter to Planned Parenthood. Get her the education and the tools she needs to take care of herself. It seems like she is very interested in sex, and she probably get armed with plenty of contraception and information. Take her in to the doctor! She is not too young to start learning how to protect herself.
Maybe you can offer to have him come over to your house on Fridays? Have a family dinner and get to know him a bit. Try to bond a bit with him a little. I'm sure she will not be nearly as attached and he won't be nearly as excited if you warm up to him and the relationship doesn't have as many obstacles. And, if you allow him to come over to your house, you can make sure that you are around and supervising.
Just some extra ideas... Good luck!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2010): Wow... ah, getting a tad carried away there aren't we, Abella?
The kid may be a tad rebellious, but that does mean she needs a fucking prison sentence. Doing all of the things you state will only drive to be sneakier and sneakier. Drive her further and further away.
Hormones are beginning to rage like there is no tomorrow in her bloodstream. And with a lack of decent male role models she has latched onto the only stable male presence in her life.
I am not going to judge him or his family, it's not my place or yours, Abella. I don't know them. I don't know their side of the story.
But a lot of her behavior, I agree, needs to be addressed completely. This means laying down ground rules. Mainly, revoke any access to mobile phones she has. At all. This will ensure that, in your own home at least, all communication with this boy must go through you and through a landline.
This will be an eye opener. Lets see her try sexting with her voice... phone sex is the most awkward thing anyone can do. That will put an end to that.
What she needs now is discipline and Guardianship. Not moral preaching.
You need her to trust you. You need her to respect you. The most common way for this to happen is to be there for her when things inevitably go wrong in some way.
Sit her down and talk to her now. She is a child, yes, but her mind is no longer processing information as a child's does. She needs to learn, NOW, that actions have consequences and that you will not always bail her out of problems. She needs to be taught now to find her strengths and play to them.
You two also need to reconnect. Acting out as she is, to the extremes you describe, is generally because she wants to be noticed. So she shouts to all and sundry.
Clearly the seperation and divorce is affecting her greatly. And she is finding solace in the less complicated, and less emotionally painful right now, area of sexuality.
You need to take some time away for the two of you, and ONLY the two of you. No calls. No friends. Just mother and daughter.
Talk to each other about your lives. Seek out her thoughts. And share yours in return (but don't let things get too bad, she doesn't need to know you think her dad is a jackass... it is wrong to speak ill of the other parent infront of your children, it shows disrespect).
Best of luck with this one. And remember, no preaching.
Flynn 24
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (25 December 2010):
also suggest you read the latest Article on this site by CaringGuy called ''understanding teenagers''. It is superb advice that is worth reading
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (25 December 2010):
Your daughter has destroyed your trust in her. It is late to try to shut the farm gate after the horse has bolted. But she does need to learn that there are consequences for her behavior.
Is there any way you could get her into any sort of teen counselling for troubled teen/parent relationships- because she has NO respect for you. And she can't stay with her father for he has NO understanding of boundaries.
Shifting where you live would not help, for this girl is already out of control.
Are there things (other than the bf) she enjoys. She needs more direction before she is swallowed up by the drug/gang culture. Or teenage pregnancies
I don't expect the school can offer much help, they see too much of it, as it is. Besides some errant school teachers are stuoid enough to call it cute. It's not, potentially it is dangerous. She has no idea who else her bf is 'attending' to and she could end up with STD.
If it were me I'd even consider a letter to Dr Phil.
And if she were my daughter i would consider putting very good locks on all windows and deadlocks on all doors, and she would not be getting her own key.
Clearly his family are not your allies. They possibly see her as the sexual aggressor, since she is older than him.
If she was my daughter she would not be receiving access to the following:
Your Mom's home unless you were there too, facebook, twitter, email, internet, a phone with internet, in fact all social network sites.
And no sleep overs at any friend's place.
The only way she'd get use of the home phone would be under supervision, speaker on, you dial the number.
Little by little she might regain some priveleges, but only if all your requests are met.
I realise she is a speeding train out of control going down a slippery incline. Your husband's lack of parental support is appalling. It is not easy for you.
Please tell this girl that ''if you lie down with Dogs you will get fleas''
She is associating with a boy who is well acquainted with a seedier side of life.
People are judged by the company they keep. And they embrace the values/attitudes of those they most associate with.
I would also review the clothing she is wearing. If it is too risque or inappropriate then it should be binned,
She should lose priveleges to choose her own clothes while she continues to lie to you and defy you.
She is in need of some tough love since she has no idea how far she has deviated off the straight and narrow of the honorable road through life.
Make an appointment with the school to honestly discuss with her teacher any
Support you can give them and vice versa they to you to monitor her behavior and improve her grades. You do not need to tell your daughter of this visit.
Remember that legally she is a child in the eyes of the law. She has no legal voice. You do. You are responsible for her and you can decide what is best for her, while she is a child. I will though call her a girl.
But legally she needs to watch herself when her 2 years younger than her bf is still a minor (if they are still together) and when she is over the age of consent. At that point she could be charged offences associated with sex with a male child. (remember the female school teacher and her 14 year old male student? The teacher went to jail.
This wilful headstrong determined girl is so close to going one of two ways. If she lifts her game she could build a good school record and go on to plan a career.
Or she could end up continuing to disrespect you and end up living in something close to the gutter and on welfare with a string of babies before she finishes her 20s.
If you are too tough she might break with you and never forgive you for not understanding that/below all her bravado this girl is hurting.
If you are too soft this girl will go on disrespecting you and will break your heart over and over again.
She definitely needs a stronger male to acquaint her with some facts about males 'on the make' for sex.
Is there any way you and her and perhaps an Auntie (this girl needs more than one adult to supervise her) could take her on a surprise roadtrip interstate to somewhere interesting? Surprise so she can't alert her friends on how/where to contact her.
You could get her a pre-paid budget phone(no camera, no internet), but get it programmed so some numbers are blocked. So she could phone only you, her father and the school and maybe the police.
If there are any support programs for troubled at risk promiscus teens - the Police or the Courts or the County office may know of something.
It is very loyal that you only see the boy as THE problem. But it is time to face the fact that she is equally culpable. In that she is so defiant, disrespectful and lies to you so regularly.
Please get just YOU too respected and suppported in every way. Be as kind, forgiving to you, and caring as possible to you. Teens can be the worst when they are At their worst.
use of the home phone.
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