A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend of nearly three years opened a business at the start of the year and it's going really well.. I'm so proud of him. My selfish problem is that I feel quite lonely these days. He's working 6am to 9.30pm Monday to Friday and until 4pm on Saturdays. All he wants to do in his spare time is chill in front of the TV. Which I understand... just not sure why I'm feeling a little resentful. I don't get along with my friends like I did when we were teens and they still act that age. I don't really drink (and Irish so not much else to do!) I do exercise classes in the evenings and work full time...have a dog together.. and I'm quite introverted so don't overly enjoy being in the company of others all the time but still, how do I rid the feeling of loneliness. I'm worried it will always be like this.. I guess I miss talking to him (he's just so tired and I feel selfish demanding his attention when he's working hard for both our futures) and having fun together :( Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2015): Wow. Thank you all for your wonderful advice. There are things in my life that I certainly would change... unfortunately I cannot do such things while my partner does his. WiseOwlE I always treasure your advice. I cried a little reading it because I could have written it myself (except you did it so eloquently!). From the description of your partner being ambitious, an over achiever, sometimes cold and self absorbed, to arrogant, self entitled and narcissistic. My boyfriend is exactly the same and I feel like i give him so much. Even giving him his space takes away from who I am. I like to look after and care for the person I love. Those are all negative things I mentioned... I know he is a good person and how well we click. I just miss the friend in my partner. He's a bit of a Vulcan so he doesn't always understand my emotions surrounding it. But I know he's aware Of how little he is able to give me emotionally ... especially right now but he is aware of me. Like if I'm quiet, he asks me what is wrong (of course i feel he should know the answer!) I'm adjusting slightly, I do not message him at work anymore, I don't ask him questions so much (he hates to have to explain himself and I'm naturally inquisative) ... I find he offers up more when I don't question him anyway. I try to offer my advice in a way that I think it will be heard. Like yesterday I told him gently that I was concerned that immersing himself so deeply in his work and not relaxing would result in him eventually resenting the thing he loves. He told me that he had been thinking the same thing that day. It's hard to be Number 2 and know that that is what you are. I put the person I choose to be my patner first because that is who I am. But I do need to be my own person more. I know that cooking food and cleaning and washing make me less visible. I would love to change career but with him in the midst of his business opening... I can't. I suppose I can still work towards it. I see the respect my boyfriend has for people who love what they do. Right now ..we are not equal and I think he is aware of that... I am!!He's hard work (who knew it would be hard work being in a relationship that had so much space and little communication? My last partner I was with for 8 years and he was emotionally abusive and I was made to feel like my place in the world was unambitious housewife. I'm trying to be the opposite now. It's like I know what I want but don't trust myself to get there. My boyfriend... being mildly narcissistic believes he can do anything and be great at it while still being aware of his limitations.I should stop rambling... anyway thanks all and WiseOwlE for your perfect advice.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2015): I try to offer advice based on my own personal-experiences. I also read a lot, and have tons of intellectual friends who offer me a treasure-trove of their wisdom. I can relate to your post; and I don't really think you're being selfish. You just need time to adjust to change.
You also have to expand your horizons, and take time for self-improvement; so he will not outgrow you. You have to be evenly-matched. He can't be everything to and for you.
My mate was a an attorney. We've known each other since we were teens, but we become much more than friends once we became adults. We moved in together his final year in law school, which meant he was always studying.
I had to learn to allow him time to seek his dream. I had to give him my support; even if it meant it took time away from "us." Then it was studying for the bar. He needed time with his study-groups and he often turned down dates with me. I adjusted to that too. I made friends with his friends, and I contributed as much as I could to help prepare his papers; and make him comfortable to help him relax. He was an over-achiever; and would often work himself to burnout. While resting, he just needed to be left alone. Yes, I had to adjust to that too. I was beginning to feel left-out. Ignored and neglected. Such is the life with an achiever. I had my own dreams and ambitions, so I focused on myself to make up for the gaps and lag-time between us. It was good for me. If I hadn't, I would have given-up or left the best thing that ever happened to me. He was a good man. Sometimes cold, self-absorbed, but my personality smoothed his rough-edges.
He told me that a lot. I never got it then; but I know what he meant now. I didn't realize he was aware of me all that time; I though he was too into himself. His big dream.
I was very young at that time. So having fun and doing things together was important to me. I was in a different profession; so my hours and responsibilities were more flexible. Then he got "the job." He was a very competitive guy; so he devoted everything to being the best at what he does. So, me understanding something about ambition; having a bit of that bug myself. I adjusted to that too.
I then learned along the way to make the best of the time we did spend together. He needed me to pull him back from himself from time to time; because he used to tell me I was his anchor. He couldn't understand how I could be so patient with him. I wasn't. I wanted to slap him silly for neglecting me, ignoring me! All he'd do was talk about school, his job, or his colleagues. Sometimes totally dismissing the stuff I had to talk about. It seem like "we" got left behind somewhere. I missed him. So I made us a beautiful home, entertained his clients, charmed his boss and his wife; and made myself visible in his world. He began to see what an asset I could be. I still got pissed at him. He could be very arrogant and entitled. Even narcissistic. He was a hand-full; but I guess we were cutout for each-other. He was a lot of work, but I can be too. I'm a caregiver, but that can be to a fault. I've learned when it was being stupid. It's not supposed to hurt to give. I'm older now. Maybe not so naive.
You have to be patient; because he is building a life, a business, and a future (which includes you). Offer him your help and support. Yank him back to remind him he has to rest and also have a life. Remind him that part of his energy and inspiration comes from having you. You are important in his life too. You're his number-one fan, and you are the head of his support-system. So don't sit around pouting or feeling sorry for yourself. Stay relevant.
Make your own friends to keep you company when he has to emerge himself in building his dream. Don't you have dreams too? Be there to help out, and use that time together. Bring him lunch or dinner in a picnic basket. Gently remind him how important he is to you; also remind him you don't want to feel any less important to him. It all has to be done without coming across as needy or petty; and that is hard to do. It took a lot of practice for me to do that. In the end, our relationship lasted almost 30 years. There were good-times, bad-times, and a few knock-down/drag-out arguments; but the glue held tight. Stressed to the max, but it held.
You have to build dreams of your own, maintain your own identity, and create your own circle of friends; as your own support-system. Otherwise, you will focus too much on him and your loneliness. You'll feel neglected when he is trying to be focused on his dream. He deserves that, as you also deserve to have him around. You just won't miss him in a painful way; if you have something of your own to enrich your life. Be it a hobby, friends, or volunteering your time to a good cause. God forbid, if anything should happen to him, you'll need people close to stand by you. When my partner died; I don't know what I would have done if it wasn't for my family and friends to hold me together.
Have a talk with him when you feel too alone. He's a man and he may not be quite as emotional; and he will let his drive takeover. That's where you must be his anchor and remind him he needs love and affection to keep him grounded and well-rounded. Speak-up when necessary, to keep the relationship from withering from neglect.
All the same, you need something other than him to revolve your life around. Then as a couple, you'll become balanced. You won't feel so lonely, when he has to do what his business demands of him. The hours you gave are really not that bad. I often didn't see my guy until after midnight, and he'd call to let me know he was okay; and to make sure I was too. That wasn't always enough. It was often better than nothing. I'd be lying if some of those fights weren't about me feeling left-out. He understood; only because he knew I handled it well. Or at least I tried. He made more room for me. He noticed when I was getting distant. That scared him. I never deliberately pulled-away. I'm naturally aloft, and can find ways to keep myself occupied. I can live in my own head, or get lost in a book. I could make him feel invisible without trying. He'd be pontificating about some case he was in the midst of; and mentally, I'd be in another place. Just looking at him. He'd snap his fingers. I hated when he did that. It was so condescending!
You've got to make them feel unimportant sometimes.
He's dead now. Not the love. It eternally lingers in my heart. I watched him grow. I helped him grow, and he did the same for me. I still had to have my own identity and friends; because if I didn't, we never would have made it. Sorry this was so long. I just know how you feel. Now I'm with another man who has his own business. It's well-established, but I already had the experience of how to make a relationship work under those conditions. It's good. He's different. More lay-back, very attentive, affectionate, and likes to get his hands dirty. I know how to pick'em!!!
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A
female
reader, Euphoria30  +, writes (15 May 2015):
Dear OP,I totally understand this situation, it feels familiar to me.It sounds that your boyfriend, as a business owner, can't really work any less at the moment.. or can he? So, sure it's great to try and support him in that. While he made a step forward in his life, it seems that you are stuck in a situation that is no longer satisfying. Maybe it will get better if you make some adjustments. Here are just some ideas I have:1) Find a way to make a new friend or two (this is something I also need to take care of, I am experiencing the same problem as you, hello thirties..)2) Talk to your bf about the problem, maybe you two can figure out a way to make quality time.. maybe 1 special sunday or weekend a month. To rent a hotel room in a different city. To go out to a restaurant. To chill on saturday but spend an active day on sunday, with friends, in the park, on a new walk with the dog..3) Are you still happy with your professional life and your hobbies? Or is there anything you secretly want to change? Is the dog too much for the two of you to take care of, on top of everything? In the end, if one person is only working all the time, it really can be a threat to the relationship. I had the same problem with my ex. The communication died, the sex-life died.. but if this is not a permament condition, then you can get through it.
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A
male
reader, Over 50 advice  +, writes (15 May 2015):
 I understand what your saying, how to fix this might be hard. If it's his own business can you be involved and spend some time with him maybe just part time? If not you need to either accept that nothing may change for a long time and you really need to tell him what your feeling. You already see this is a major issue, discuss it with him, how are you ever going to be happy if you don't?
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