A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Greetings everybody!I've been having some (what I perceive to be) "bad signs" lately when it comes to my commitment to my relationship. I'm wondering what kind of advice people have for me.A little background information:A few years ago, I moved from the USA to Japan to be with my girlfriend at the time (we met while she was studying in the USA as an exchange student). The relationship was serious; we got engaged; and... well, things fell apart and we broke up. (this was two years ago) But I didn't let that prevent me from having a good time in Japan, and have grown to love it here.After we broke up, I went into the "I'm a player" mindset and wanted to live the 'wild life'. My high school and college life was a steady stream of committed relationships. But after moving to Japan, I changed my lifestyle completely and became much more athletic, dropped 45 pounds, and was suddenly fairly good looking. I also had that whole 'exotic foreigner' thing going for me. For the first time in my life, I felt confident and desirable.But while I was good at meeting people, getting phone numbers, and going on dates.... it never really progressed beyond that. I would go on a date or two, and things would fade away for multiple reasons. I had some success being a playboy, but not much.About a year ago I met a woman in her young thirties. (I'm in my mid twenties) We talked a whole lot and connected pretty well. Soon we were in a relationship and I was happy.But lately I've been feeling that playboy urge again. I never really got it out of my system two years ago, and I suppose it's just lingered there in the back of my mind.Things are different now than they were two years ago: mainly that I have a much better command of the Japanese language. This of course gives me the ability to communicate with a lot more people than I could before. And now, it seems that every time I go out to a party or festival, at least one girl flirts with me and tries to get my phone number. (Their intentions are pretty obvious, because they're suddenly no longer interested in talking with me once I tell them that I have a girlfriend)Thing is, these past 2 months I've grown increasingly tempted to tell these girls that I'm single. I recognize that it isn't a good idea and always tell them the truth, but the temptation to lie can't be a good sign.My relationship with my girlfriend is rocky at times. We have cultural misunderstandings on occasion and miscommunication issues. She also has certain expectations of me which seem somewhat absurd. Finally, she's looking to settle down, marry, and have children in the near future. But while I was completely happy with the thought of marriage 3 years ago... I'm not so comfortable with that now.Of course, there are many great things about our relationship. We have many similar interests and hobbies, we can talk for hours and not get bored of each other, etc. Our sex life is wonderful and I couldn't wish for better. I can honestly say she's the best I've ever had.So, my question for all of you is what should I do about the desire to be a playboy? It's gotten to the point where I can no longer ignore it. (please don't misinterpret this statement to mean that I am about to act on it) ((and yes, I do realize that it is naive of me to think that I would be a better playboy now than I was two years ago.)) Also, I'm not so sure why it's surfacing now. Is it a signal that my relationship weakening, or is this just normal? I would appreciate your insightful thoughts and responses. If you want to bash me for being a stupid testosterone-driven male: fine, but that isn't going to help me any. I'm looking for advice, not criticism. Thank you.
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male
reader, Starmonster888  +, writes (11 April 2010):
 This is the best question ever. Okay, you are a stupid testosterone-driven male, but that's good, embrace you inner self, but consider you inner femininity too because it acts as a separate conscious that's exclusive to relationships with females.Right about now, it should be telling you (please read the following in a feminine tone for added effect)"don't go out as much, stay away from situations where you'll get tempted", but the man in you is saying (in a Barry White type tone)"breasts, leg, AHRRRRRR". Don't listen to him for the sake of your relationship.The fact that it's a bit "rocky" makes it look unattractive, but that's what relationships are, you work on them, and work on them-punch a wall-then work on them again.A lot of guys can relate to your situation man. It's hard when you talk to girls, get their numbers and see one logic next step, but can't go for it because of your significant other. It's even harder when you have the foreigner thing going on (try being in England with an American accent-HEAVEN!- but remember, you paid for a ticket to go all the way to Japan for her for a reason.Stay out of high hot chick populated areas, love your woman.If it gets too hard, call me and I'll come to Japan and act as a distraction and get the girls instead. I'd make that for you man, I'd make that sacrifice. Good Luck.
A
female
reader, panda~bear  +, writes (11 April 2010):
Personally, I think your best option is to be single. I see no problem playing the field once you're not hurting someone else. From your story it seems its more of a confidence thing...you have a grasp of the language now, and you feel more confident about how you look. Chances are once you find someone special you'll loose all interest, but for now, why not just do what your gut tells you?(get out of the relationship first!!)
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (11 April 2010):
 It maybe just you are reacting to the idea of marriage and kids. Reconsider your options. Are you able to give what your girlfriend expects? Remember her clock is ticking she is not going to wait forever for you to propose. Time is not towards your favor here. Are you worried that once she has kids your sex life will go downhill? If she's having a Caesarian it won't change things a bit rather than having stretch marks here and there. Kegel exercises also help. Also you won't be her priority anymore as she gets less sleep caring for the baby. It's not a sign that there's anything wrong with the relationship. Your body is telling you maybe you might want to enjoy your prime years before settling down. I honestly think there would be more balance if she's with an older man who's had enough of playing, and can focus on family. She will also feel more secure that he won't stray. Good sex is not enough reasons to stay. Just tell her you are not ready to settle down. She will appreciate your honesty and be more practical next time she looks for a mate. I won't suggest you to get your playboy out of your system for her, but instead listen to your body's urges and needs. You can have consensual sex, casual sex without hurting the girl. Not every relationship has to come down to marriage.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2010): Your relationship isn't weakening, temptations and struggles come and go in relationships, and it is a good thing you are realizing it and haven't acted on it. If you can overcome this you will grow as a man and learn to appreciate what you have with this girl. Struggling for what you have, I believe, in the long run, will make the reward that much greater.
Keep up the good work. You said you are happy, so why ruin it with some fling. Proudly tell those girls you are taken, it is nothing to be ashamed of when you have a good woman by your side. But, also, you shouldn't put yourself in that situation, where girls are all over you, it's almost like your feeding your temptations. Best of luck!
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A
male
reader, LarryGalapagos  +, writes (11 April 2010):
Hey man, it's so great that you're talking about it with other people and thinking deeply and processing everything that is going on. I think this shows that you are smart, mature and want the best for everyone.
It sounds like maybe you're not ready to get marred or take your relationship to a more serious level, which is completely fine and completely normal. And now that your girlfriend has expressed that she may want to be the one, get married, have kids, etc, this could be making you uncomfortable. A lot of guys feel trapped, scared, or simply just not ready to get married, and there is nothing wrong with this.
In my opinion, this sounds like your relationship is weakening. If you were with the right girl, you would have no need or desire to even be with someone else. The right girl feels wonderful, she completes you. You may want to think hard about whether you should break up with your girlfriend.
And by the way, most important, don't cheat on your girlfriend. If you cheat on her, you will regret this immensely, and you will have hurt both your girlfriend and yourself very deeply.
I think overall it sounds like you are smart, caring and will making the right, although difficult, decisions.
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