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age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I am struggling at the moment and need some encouragement more than advice! I had a date over the weekend with a really great guy - we were very similar in lots of ways - maybe too similar if there is such a thing? Well, we have decided to be friends as something is missing there - I don't think we really 'fancy' each other. Anyway, spending time with someone has highlighted the fact that I am actually rather lonely. I still think of my ex as well (LDR - met online), but know that he was wrong for me. Been on a few dates the last few months via online dating sites. This was the first time I met someone who matched everything I am looking for except - there was no chemistry as such - I feel disappointed, more than I thought and is such a shame as we were both hoping for more. I want to stay away from dating sites for a while, or indefinitely as I think it could be best to meet someone in the natural realm as it were. I have not had bad experiences as such, but unless you have the inclination to spend lots of time getting to know someone and meet them, you don't know if they will fit. I don't know why I feel so down about it all really, as there was a time for a few years I was single and happy and content to be so. Now it is like I desire to be with someone special, but I am rather discouraged and it can be draining to go through messaging people, getting your hopes up, meeting them to find there is actually no chemistry! Anyone out there with me on this one? Perhaps I should just take a break and not pursue anything for a while. It doesn't help that I feel lonely and need to make friends!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys! eddie85; yes it is true that you do often meet people when you least expect it and I think that I have been relying too much on sites! I do hope that I will certainly appreciate the right one when he comes along and I won't give up. worldywise; it can get discouraging because of the time spent investing in getting to know someone and then when you meet there is nothing there, expectations do run quite high, even if you try not to let them. Auntyem; Friends is something I definitely lack, I moved to the area I live a few months ago so I really need to start looking at expanding my social circle or forming one..lol! I am joining an adult evening course in September for a year so that is a start. RedAthena; Yea it can suck sometimes having to go through so many until someone great comes along, this last guy seemed so great and he is - everything was there except the chemistry, I think that I will concentrate on myself for a bit and treat myself!! Thanks for all the encouragement xx
A
female
reader, RedAthena  +, writes (22 August 2011):
 I took a break from the dating scene because I was discouraged too. Then I learned that I was approaching dating with only ONE focus-to find a companion.
I changed my attitude to date to meet people and have social interaction; not necessarily to find "the one".
There are a LOT of jerks out there and people that are sooooo close to being great matches. Do not give up!
One of my friends taught me years ago that you will get 20+ "No's" for every one "Yes!".
You will find 100 empty oysters before you find a pearl.
Take a break if you feel yourself running out of energy, but make sure you go back! During that off time, focus your energy on you, your health, your hobbies, etc. In otherwords, date YOU.
Best Wishes.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (22 August 2011):
 I think the clue is in the last line that you wrote.
You need to make new friends...not necessarily boyfriends or partners.
When you have a good circle of friends to socialise with, dating becomes much less important.
The way to meet new friends is to put yourself in places where you will meet them. Choose something that sparks your interest, art, walking, dancing, yoga, poetry, photography, kickboxing, the gym, crafts, explore your spiritual side or try volunteering. There are hundreds of activities that single people can join in with and it is an excellent way of developing yourself and making friends.
Internet dating sites have proved for many people to be a complete waste of time and money. The pressures are enourmous and the pay off isnt usually that great.
Try the old fashioned methods of courtship...'eyes across a crowded room' and all that. Let someone discover you going about your daily life in a natural normal and interesting way. Online dating is fraught with raised expectation and is way too over focussed and intense to begin with and, on meeting often crashes and burns.
You arnt the first person this has happened to and sadly you wont be the last.It's very very common for people to get jaded with the internet because it's so brutal, faceless and impersonal and human beings just arnt like that. Nothing can replace that first smile you see completely out of the blue or that instant spark of attraction when you first set eyes on someone you never saw before in your life and know nothing about. Internet dating denies you that because there is too much discussion up front, even seeing a brief picture can set the mind fantasising and racing ahead and then comes the rejection and dissapointment.
There is still a hefty bit of summer left and in september a lot of the clubs and classes will be starting for the new year. Get the local paper out or go to your adult education centre and just have a look at what takes your fancy...you will make friends, even if it only one or two and then you can make more plans to socialise.
You have to make the effort to let people see you, step outside your comfort zone, be a little brave and daring because that is the way to make changes and move your life into new dimensions.
Best of luck to you and keep us posted.
xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2011): If your ex was LDR from PC and you have only had dates from online - yes its time to have a break - then look elsewhere.. it knocks you down when you've done the groundwork, had the thrill of going to finally meet in person, only to find yet again he's not for you.No chemistry or whatever.
Get back into flirt mode, use body language,be open to meeting a man anywhere, we all know to follow our interests but there is opportunity everywhere.Get friends and colleagues to help, they may know somebody or may go places you don't.People like playing cupid.
Its not easy dating, especially if your feeling lonely,but he's out there, so after a dating break get back out there.Head up, smiling and confident
Good Luck x
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (22 August 2011):
 It sounds like you have a combination of missing your ex and a bit of bad luck trying to find someone new.
One of the semi-truisms of dating, it seems, is that your mate often comes when you least expect it. Perhaps, with all the dates you've been on, you are looking to replace your ex and you don't initially see anything in your dates and decide to pass on them.
Perhaps it is time to broaden your horizons; see if you can find someone that interests you and challenges you. Also, you may be relying upon on dating sites too much -- why not try to find someone in an activity that you enjoy? For instance, if you enjoy reading, see if there is a book club in your area. If you like running, join a running group. The more people you hang around that share similar interests, the more likely you'll find Mr Right. Also, enlist your friends to help you find someone (while it didn't succeed with this date, you might strike it rich with the next one)
Finally don't give up. The dating ritual is probably the toughest period of one's life. You are going to encounter jerks, bores, and people that just aren't for you. That's part of the process and will make you appreciate that much more when you do find Mr Right. However, if you keep your hopes up and know what you are looking for, the right man will come along in due time.
Keep the faith and good luck!
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