A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I seem to find dating rather difficult as I tend to be rather picky and not find connections with ppl straight away and I am finding it hard to get a partner.I have only been out on like 1 date a year for the past 3 years, and out of them 2 of them I lost interest in and one was a time waster .I struggle to motivate myself to actually try to get a girl now as I am sick of either losing interest or just getting rejection lol . I had long term teen relationship which ended with her cheating on me and I have really been single since, only dating one girl for a few months before dumping her as I wasn't as interested as she was .I just don't seem to meet a girl who I get a good connection with since my Ex years ago.There was one girl who I did like but she was in a relationship so I knew I couldn't do anything.But how do I break this stupid cycle? If anybody knows, thank you
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2014): It's me the OP again. Yep I have recently read up on the dismissive avoident thing, that's why I think I liked that one girl who was in a relationship. Because I knew,I couldn't get with her there for not get hurt. It just seems a hard thing to break. I know I put a barrier up in general in life anyway so these are just even bigger barriers. But I do try then loose interest and end it because I don't want to lead somebody on. I could try an all women class,but would feel majorly awkward. It's something I just can't shake it feels Asif I need someone to grab me and shake me out of it! Because I won't let them I guess. And with my ex I don't Completly hate her, she made me happy for year's but then I probably didn't give it my all and so it went Pete tong so there is blame 2 ways there. The only thing I feel with her is embarrassment the fact she is able to move on, buy a new house get pregnant.. Yet I'm still doing what I'm doing lol. Thanks for your help and comments guys
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2014): Get out of your head and stop trying to fit your date into an imaginary prototype. Too often people already think they know who they're looking for, and if the person they actually meet doesn't meet all the criteria they're expecting, like you; they lose interest. You're trying to find a clone of your ex-girlfriend. You are stuck in the past.
You are also very angry at your high school sweetheart and dragging around an old grudge. If a woman doesn't wow you and instantly make you forget her, you throw her on the rejection pile. You're not picky, you've got some issues you haven't dealt with from your past. You've got emotional-baggage that will not let you move forward.
I can't recall the artist, but there's a song with the lyric "I'm not here for your entertainment;" which would truly apply. Ladies aren't putting their feelings on the line for your convenience and entertainment, dear fellow!
You may have a slight social disorder and emotional block that a little therapy can help you clear-up, or bring to the surface. I think you already know what the problem is, and it has a lot to do with "rejection." It happens to everyone. Your ex cheated. Her being with somebody else made you feel "rejected" and betrayed.
If you meet someone who you think is really cool, and you really can't find anything wrong with them. You sadistically don't bother to connect. Allowing them to attach to you only to get their heartbroken. You got twisted pleasure from breaking someone's heart. You want to get back at women for how you feel.
When my life-partner passed away, I just wouldn't allow myself to connect with people. I dated, but felt numb towards my dates. I found them attractive, enjoyed the companionship, but kept my feelings closed-off. I felt guilt about liking people; because someone I really loved died and it felt like cheating. I felt abandoned and totally detached on top of that.
I just didn't feel up to feeling for someone; and ended-up letting them go for whatever reason, or putting them in the friend-zone. It took a few years of dating to get myself past this. Fortunately, those people liked me enough to remain friends to this day. It doesn't always turnout this way for many people, they usually kick you to the curb. I never coldly reject people, it's not my style.
My "self-therapy" was continuing to put myself out there. My cure, was meeting someone purely by accident that pushed all the right buttons. Difference between you and me, I was still feeling grief from a loss and healing. You are shut-down completely from your resentment and anger at a woman.
Trying to get back at them one at a time, allowing them to attach; while you get your kicks by letting them know they can't get to you. That's really mean. Narcissistic even.
Then being totally unapproachable altogether. They reject you; because they sense your buried hostility toward them.
Time to man-up and grow-up. If you can't cut yourself free from your old resentment of your ex from the past. Get some psycho-therapy and counseling to free your mind; so you can come to terms with an old trauma, and move forward. That will allow you to feel what it is to like a woman again, and allow her to like you in return. You can't hold on to a broken-heart forever. I understand your pain.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (23 September 2014):
 I've ot an idea tht might pove benficial; Takea class like The Power of Psitive Thking, Sign upfor a dancclass, etc. Anything that getys you close to a variety of females like a night school class. I think you just need to be among the women to wor up self-confidence. I bet you had a mother that was dimineering nd strict? I did and grew up much like you. Good luck go hang out with a bunch of girls, they don't bite.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2014): I'm the poster.
Thank you youwish. I've read before it could be someway of protecting myself. Which I can understand as I don't want it to happen. But never expected I would take it so extreme.
The thing is I don't see my ex as I did before which took some time. So I thought I'd got over it, I even found out she was pregnant the other day and it didn't phase me. But what you say makes sense to me and feel my view on women has somewhat changed. Thanks for reading and answering
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2014): This sounds surprisingly familiar to me, I have myself lived this same experience and it feels as thought nothing quite matches what you had before, right?
There is always something subconsciously holding you back from moving forward, you get bored and no one is quite what you're looking for. Ever heard the term 'dismissive avoidant'?
I'm not saying you are a 'dismissive avoidant', I'm simply suggesting that your comments are almost exactly the way 'dismissives' think and feel. Take a look at this article, I wrote it the other day to raise awareness on the subject matter as not many people understand it, see if it helps. http://www.dearcupid.org/question/the-dismissive-avoidant-.html
If the article seems to be how you think and feel, just google the term because there is loads on there about it and ways for some people to overcome those issues that you're wanting to overcome. Just an idea...
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (23 September 2014):
 You need to recognize the baggage in your emotional life. Even before I read your post, the title and your first sentence alone told me all about what you are about.
It's not that you're picky...it's that you're partially terrified about subjecting yourself to the extreme pain you went through at the end of your long term relationship, and you're also still angry about what she did to you and haven't gotten over it.
You may think you have gotten over it, but you haven't. You choked down the emotions and tried to sweep it under, put a brave face on the matter, and hoped that if you stuffed it, it would go away. You're seeing the results of that way of thinking. You need to deal with what happened to you and face it.
Know why you lose interest? Because you're not connecting emotionally with anyone. You're hoping for the girl who will magically blow past your massive wall of defense and heal your broken heart, and the girls you've dated don't have a chance because you compare them to your ex, and you lose interest because you have no connection.
YOU have to be your healing. Stuffing it isn't healing. If you feel you can't do it on your own, then talk to someone trusted, like parents, friends, clergy if you're religious, a counselor (school or HR or the anonymous mental health hotline). Posting here is a step in the right direction.
You have to come to grips with what your ex did to you and understand that your past isn't your future. Not all women cheat. Most women would love to connect emotionally with you. The sooner you settle what happened in your past, you'll find out that the part of you that DOES want to be intimate again on an emotional level will wake up and add that dimension you've been missing...the one that will connect you to a woman and allow you to fall in love again.
You survived the cheating ex. She is in your rear view window. You need to understand that this isn't the inevitable end to all relationships...that it isn't ALL women you can't trust...just her. But she is your past, and opening yourself up to a woman doesn't mean that the pain is 100% inevitable.
Come to grips. Let yourself let go of that pain. No longer let your ex's phantom memory short-circuit your love life ever again.
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