A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So I'm dating this guy, he's 30, and though we get along really well I'm not feeling the attraction. And I know attraction is overrated, but I notice myself thinking I hope he doesn't put his arm around me or kiss me goodnight, because I'm just not into the idea. Today has been our second date and he's asked me out on a third and I said yes because I had a good time, but in the back of my head I see him as friendship material rather than relationship material. So my question is: how long should I wait for some kind of chemistry to develop? On the one hand I don't want to write him off too quickly but I don't want to string him along either. I get the feeling he's really into me and he deserves someone who feels the same way about him, but I don't. At least not yet. Thoughts? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (6 March 2016):
 Oh yeah, if you feel relieved by the thought of him with someone else, it really does say it all. You want him to be happy... with someone else.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your answers. Chigirl, your post really helped clear things up for me. I too take quite some time to warm up to guys, but usually not /this/ long.
As for your mind test, I definitely can't see myself with him 5 years from now. I've tried to sell the idea to myself, because he's downright decent and would definitely make a very good husband. But the idea of seeing him with a loving girlfriend makes me feel relieved rather than jealous. And that says it all, doesn't it?
We're seeing each other again in a week and unless something changes, I'll be telling him. No use wasting more time.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (29 February 2016):
Rejection part: keep it simple and don't lie. Tell him flat out you're not feeling the chemistry. It's a perfectly legit reason to not have further dates as it would go nowhere. He doesn't want to be wasting his time any more than you do.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (29 February 2016):
If you are repulsed by him, or absolutely do not want him physically near you, then I doubt the physical attraction will ever develop, or it will take too long. If you're just not feeling it yet, but find him handsome, then maybe give it a couple of weeks.
I typically do not find men that attractive at first glance (not that I don't ever, but usually not). I don't think I was physically taken by ANY of my previous boyfriends from scratch. So I understand where you are coming from. But then again, if you don't feel the slightest spark after two dates, I don't know if it's worth it.
My "mind test" that helps me decide is this: can you picture yourself with him 5 years from now, possibly with kids etc? Does he appear to be good husband materal? If you stopped seeing him now, and a week or two from now you see him on the street with a girlfriend on his arm, would you regret not spending more time with him? Or would you be cool about it and not care?
This last question in particular has helped me a lot. If I sense that I would be jealous if I saw him with another woman (in the romantic sense), then I know I should stick to him.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (29 February 2016):
 oh the rejection part is hard.
you could say "I appreciate the invite and I"m very flattered but I don't think I will have the time any time soon for us to get together again"
it's not a "your not my type" and unless he has NO social skills that may be enough.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 February 2016):
 I agree, go on the 3rd date and see if anything has changed.
I would NOT date a guy just because he is nice to be around, and I don't think he is looking for a new friend either.
It's not fair on either of you to continue after the 3rd date if you don't feel it's going to work. And I would NOT offer "friendship" if you don't see the two of you together. That can easily be taken as a slap in the face.
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (28 February 2016):
 You should go to this third date, and use it to evaluate your feelings about the whole thing. You already have a formed opinion, so lot of the stuff that will happen on that date is to confirm that, although you never know.
So suppose you decide this isn't the guy, well it's not the end of the world. There are always other dates.
Nor should you drag out cutting ties with this one if you decide he isn't the guy. Be swift, concrete and short with him, and after you cut it off, don't answer back because prolonging it is a strategy of hope for him to persuade you. You are not obligated to not hurt his feelings if you already know that there is nothing there. If it's not mutual, then it won't work by any amount of force or courtesy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@SoVeryConfused: I have the same problem. The guys I really like are usually the ones that don't like me back. The one time I believe it was mutual, the guy was taken and (thank goodness) showed loyalty to his gf of 5 years. (If he hadn't done that I would not have trusted my judgment anymore haha).
I wish I could just pick the person to fall in love with. God knows this guy is deserving of it, but for some reason I just feel zero attraction even though he's not ugly by any means.
So follow-up question: if at the end of the third date I still feel zilch, what's the best way to tell him this? Rejection always sucks but I don't want it to be worse because I couldn't come up with a sensible way to do it.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (28 February 2016):
I always gave it three dates but by the time I got to the third I knew if I was going back for a 4th or not.
sadly the guys I really liked didn't always really like me back....
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