A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: For as long as i can remember I have always feared being alone- throughout the whole day I can't stand my thoughts and I need to be with someone at all times. Since 21 I have been in three relationships and dated about 7 guys - turning 30 in three months - my longest relationship was 5 years - mentally and verbally abusive - I did everything for this man and he still left. Recently at my high school reunion 6 months ago I was approached by one of my classmates - we hit it off and started talking- on our third date three weeks into knowing each other he asked me to be his gf. (Me being desperate to be with someone said yes and he was being very cute and nice) Throughout the six months we were together he would always work because he is a mechanic so I was understanding of only seeing one time a week and him being tired most of the times. He also made me meet his prents and most of his family even though I thought month three was early I went along with that too. I also cooked for him and was understanding when his friends would join us to hang out- yes his best friend would have dinner with us or hang out and be around us all the time . Throughout the first five months I did everything and agreed to everything he wanted - yes I was a pushover but he returned interest by always checking in with me at night - sometimes writing sweet notes - and in the begining paying close attention. Last month I got fed up of the im tired on Wednesdays because I work12 hours so we have sex on Saturdays.I got tired of let's go out on dates with the family or friends and I started hinting wanting alone time. Last week he went with his family to an outing instead of spending alone time with me and I basically spoke up and said - listen R, seems like im not at the top of your priority list - u always have to build the backyard and gargle work on Sundays and then fix the bike on Tuesdays and when I wanna see u - were barely alone. HE didn't respond for three days and then send me a text saying it's not gonna work out we don't see things eye to eye- I called him and cried and demanded answers and basically said "I can't stop the yard work - the house work- the garage" I have to work I have 300k in loans - and we don't share the same interests. I said what interests? - I've been missing Ur ass and doing all you want and playing along Ur schedule for the last 6 months. You don't know my interests. My stuff is still at his house - as far as I know there is no other woman - and I feel like this is the end of the world - I don't get it - all I asked is for an afternoon - I was always understanding - I have bills myself- - how can some one be so nice In the begining and end it so abruptly- my sister said - the same way he came in your life he left - no reason . But I feel horrible- I feel so alone - Im almost 30 I hold two degrees - men say im attractive and k just don't get it - the guy is a mechanic - he is not an outgoing guy in the sense of he is quiet - works - drinks beers twice a week with his buddies and owns three guns for no apparant reason. I don't get it why can't I get over it help!!And how can I stop focusing on guys so much- Im so paranoid about being alone and when j do go out which for the last three years I went out non stop I couldn't find anyone at the bars/clubs - I tried online dating and that didn't work either- I have a fear of being alone - and when a guy wants to commit i jump into it because im so afraid - im a good looking girl on the outside - smart - educated but I feel like this is all I want in. Life and that is sad- I've ckme to terms with this concept but can't get over it- please help
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female
reader, Jessica Bennett +, writes (3 June 2016):
Dear friend,I understand you are hurting. I read your online post as I too was looking for some advice regarding a similar situation.I have a few questions for you:1) Would you drive a car that didn't suit your needs? That was expensive and ugly, would break down when you really needed to get somewhere? No. You wouldn't. The problem here is you have yet to find a car that fits you. You walk to the parking lot, seeking a car that meets your needs, but settle for something less than perfect, because you feel fear of being alone, having to take the bus or walk alone. Don't fear walking alone, for you will grow stronger for the rain and the snow. One day you will be stronger and walking along the journey of life and you will find the perfect car. Don't go to the car lot (clubs/ bars etc) looking for a car, go enjoy YOUR life. YOU are smart, good lucking and caring. YOUR PERFECT MATCH IS OUT THERE! Patience. 2) CBT. In relation to needing therapy (as mentioned previously). We all could use someone impartial to talk to. I am a therapist, and since working with her, I have grown so much. However, given my recent breakup, I too feel so frightened I will never meet someone. I too, and smart, well educated and pretty. I too lay in bed alone thinking "why me". But, darling, we have been given great gifts in life: Brains, Beauty and Compassion! Don't worry about this man. I know you feel "rejected" and "confused". But let me tell you, the car "ex" you have been driving is a beaten up car that knows you will one day meet your match and leave. Also, it sounds like he needs some help. However, you must remember that YOU cannot "fix" this man. That is not your role here. I would suggest, if you can, talking to a therapist or reaching out more for impartial advice (such as you are doing here!! well done girl! you reached out, that is huge!)3) Try to be kind to yourself. Sometimes two people come together, and it just doesn't "fit". This is NOT your fault. It is the journey/fun of finding your Mr. Right. Try and relax, breathe, and remember you are a CATCH! Don't spend your life worrying about what the future holds. I spend much of my life worrying about "what's next", "Will I meet someone", "will I get that job", "what does my future hold", that I miss the beauty of the very day I am in. Don't do this. Don't look forward and guess what is next. You don't KNOW, that is the beauty of life, it is a mystery. You WILL meet someone. I 100% know this. But don't waste the precious time before them agonizing about whether you will or won't. Just live life!! Go learn something new. Go on a trip. Just get out there!4) I know you are hurting. Me too. When you feel those words come into your mind: "What did I do wrong"/ Believe me, you DID NOTHING WRONG. You gave 100% to someone who for some reason, cannot. 5) You, yourself, know He is not good enough for you, you SAID it: "Im almost 30 I hold two degrees - men say im attractive and k just don't get it - the guy is a mechanic - he is not an outgoing guy in the sense of he is quiet - works - drinks beers twice a week with his buddies and owns three guns for no apparant reason."This is not the man you want to spend the rest of your life with. You and your future children DESERVE better.Your friend,Jessica :)
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (3 June 2016):
 Sweetie first what you need to learn from this relationship is don't be a push over. You agreed to do everything for him, even if you didn't want to, because you where desperate just for some company. He liked the fact that you where there to look after him but I assume he got in to a routine of having you do things for him, but the moment you asked for more, he left. It is obvious his heart was not in this relationship, if it was he would have WANTED to spend more alone time with you. I am sorry you have to go through another break up, but please in future find your voice and don't let men walk all over you, because if you do they won't respect you.
I would suggest maybe you should go to CBT therapy to see why you hate being alone and try and work on those issues, good luck.
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