A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I met my GF in college 5 years ago and we have been together ever since then getting engaged 3 years into the relationship (wedding organised for summer next year). We have been involved in a long distance relationship over the last 3 years as we both studied graduate qualifications at different institutions. Now we have the opportunity to be back living together and working in the same city. However, I can't help but feel that I view my partner as a best friend who has been a great support over the last few years and she is by all means a lovely person but I just don't feel attracted to her sexually. I struggle to bring myself to passionately kiss or be intimate with her. Moreover, I have developed feelings towards a colleague from graduate school who I have become close to over the last year with the feelings reciprocated by her. I am not one to jump into this other woman's arms but feel excited and energised when I'm with her, the opposite of how I feel with my current partner. When with my current partner I often feel drained or too guilty/uncomfortable around her given my feelings and attraction to another woman. A life with my current partner would be steady and content with marriage and family, good finances. I know that a life with this other woman would be more passionate and exciting over the next few years (the remainder of our 20s) should we make a go of it but it'd be difficult to say what the long term prospects are at this stage. I think it's a case of loving my current partner (maybe as a best friend) but being in love with this colleague. I don't know what I should do - give up the engagement through lack of attraction or carry on and hope that I discover the passion for my current partner. I should also say that being with my colleague from graduate school would require me to give up the job in the new city, move back to my parents home and completely re-plan my life/work etc.
View related questions:
best friend, engaged, long distance Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (4 June 2016):
 Look, OP, you know you're not physically attracted to your LDR fiancée any more and that's okay, but you've already started cheating on her and that's why you should break up. Being in an LDR isn't for everyone - a lot of people have their limits and 2 years was yours (as that's when you started wandering off). LDRs are not remotely easy, even when you see them regularly, so it's not surprising that cheating does occur (often unintentionally, to start with) but, when you're really in love with someone, you don't cheat - which is a clear indication that you're no longer in love with your fiancée.If you try to make it work (in person) with her, which isn't completely off the table (yet), you should tell her about the colleague because it's not fair to pretend you've been emotionally faithful. If you don't think you could gain your passion for her back, or she says no because you've cheated, then I think it's best you take it really slowly with the colleague (none of the "I'm in love" stuff!) and don't make any rash decisions like moving and changing jobs for a new person, which is what she'd be.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2016): I have been in an LDR for 6 years and it is fine.. I have the luxury of being able to see him fairly regularly but the sex is always frequent and amazing when we do. We have love, respect, trust AND passion. LDRs CAN work, have to agree with whoever said it on here.. Andie? But all the ingredients MUST be there in ANY relationship..... for BOTH parties. I mean all the ingredients that are important to both of you and the ones that you can reach a compromise on. Sounds like you need to take some serious time out to reflect. Has there NEVER been passion? If passion is vital to you and not to her, then you are incompatible and have been from the start. After years of knowing my man and being with for the past 6 of them, we still have a mega spark. Sit down and think carefully. Love is not about financial stability or a shared house. Phew it is about a much deeper connection.
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (3 June 2016):
You're erasing sex-repulsed people and those who just don't want sex by saying "adult relationships involve sex".Yes, I'm in a long distance relationship, but I see him often and talk a lot daily - like I said, long distance doesn't always mean not seeing each other for a long time. The OP may not see or speak to his fiancée often, but he never told us, so we can't assume that.I suggested looking into it because you're generalising *massively* - I'm part of the LDR community online, so you're drawing from your experience, but I'm not guessing or speaking from my own experience only, I'm speaking from seeing the positive and negative blogs posts and having private conversations with several others in similar relationships. Of course very few actually like being apart, but that doesn't mean they don't know their partner inside out or end up like strangers. If they don't *see* each other for years, probably, but most LDRs aren't like that.It's awfully judgemental to assume I'm young and/or naive because I know that lots of LDRs work very well, even though they aren't ideal for anyone. Sexless relationships aren't automatically "childish and fluffy" - again, judgemental and erasing those who have no desire or need for it. Some people don't like being touched either, so physical contact isn't necessary for everyone. Most people in LDRs do want that, but just deal without it because they love their partner and want a futur together that will have that when they are together and close the distance.Your opinion on LDRs doesn't scare me about my relationship; it's not childish or weak, like you seem to assume, therefore it's not affected. However, your generalisation of LDRs is dismissive of tens of thousands, if not hundred of thousands, of genuinely great and successful relationships that happen to be long distance.Successful LDRs struggle and they need to spend time together - however, the OP has spent time with his fiancée and finds it a struggle to be passionate or intimate - successful relationships, LDRs or not, don't often because they're overjoyed at making up for lost time. Also, he's referring to her as his "current partner", rather than fiancée, which lacks commitment and affection.He shouldn't settle and his fiancée should be with someone who finds her attractive - who isn't wandering off to somebody else. He also shouldn't move for the sake of a new relationship.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (3 June 2016):
 Andies thoughts, how old are you? I ask, because your post appears to me as quite naive. Yes, some people have to be in LDR. But just because they have to, doesn't mean they like it, or that they too don't see each others as strangers when they reunite. You're not in their heads or in their minds or in their relationships, so you don't know any better than I do. And for the record, I have plenty experience with LDR and don't need someone to tell me I should take a better look. I base my answers on my experiences, not guessing.
Being intimate and being physically together does not mean only sex. I brought up sex as a glaring example of how a relationship is not comparable to family or friends. Being physically together is much more than just sex, and online chatting and skype simply can not replace this! You must be very young, since you talk about couples who don't have or need sex. Adults relationships do involve sex. Childrens relationships are cute and fluffy, like you describe, in no need for physical contact, and sure enough, childrens relationships can go on for years online, because they are more like friendships than actual relationships.
Not to offend you, but this is the reality of things. Im guessing you are in a ldr of yourself, since you got so protective? And you are afraid that me saying it doesn't work, means that your own relationship wont work? When you get back together, you will need to spend time together before you really know each other. You might not believe it now, but when the day comes, you will see. It's the transition from long distance, to real life, that is the true test. All Im saying is that the OP should go through this transition with his girlfriend, and see how the outcome of this transition is, before making a decision.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2016): When you choose comfort/stability over passion in this life, you are always going to regret that choice.Take it from somebody who knows how it will all play out once you marry Ms. Comfortable-like-a-sister instead of Ms. Passionate-who-really-has-my-heart.Good on you for even questioning it and trying to make the right choice from the start. So many people are not so enlightened and do not see the depth of their potential choices. And the impact they would have on the rest of their lives. And so, they settle. And sometimes these choices only leave us feeling empty and unfulfilled in the long run. But you want more for yourself. More from life.Life is just too short to settle. Too short to settle for anything less than true passion and true love.I am a firm believer in allowing your heart to guide you. If you really love someone, I think everything will always fall into place as opposed to the other way around.I am a little older than you are and I am hoping to give you some advice based on experience.I would choose passion every time.I think your LDR has run its course. I really do. I wish you the best.
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (2 June 2016):
Watching the Kardashians on screen is nothing like a successful LDR - that's one-way, a completely different thing and isn't a comparison.Also, many couples don't have sex, or don't have it often, and are happy that way - you and the OP may not be them, but that doesn't make a relationship for some people.The OP never told us how often they see or speak to each other; they may call/video chat daily and visit monthly - we don't know, that's what I'm saying. Plenty of LDRs work with 3+ years apart, like military couples and just general people - a proper look into the LDR community would show that. You might not feel you could do it and a lot of people couldn't, but many have to because they are genuinely in love with the person and can't close the distance yet - the OP isn't in love with his fiancée any more, that's why it's not working out. They've drifted apart and he's found somebody else - that would have probably happened regardless because he's lost romantic/sexual interest in her, it may have just taken longer.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (2 June 2016):
A family member is not the same as a girlfriend. They were together for two years prior, but she's been gone for even longer than that. A full three years. Video chat every now and then and being on the phone can not replace sitting next to each other and being able to touch one another.
If video was enough, we could all have a "relationship" with the Kardashians, or any other person who appears on TV often. I still wouldn't claim to KNOW that person!
If you've been apart for three years, you grow apart and end up not knowing the other person very well. It can work for friends or family members, sometimes. But that's not the same as a girlfriend or boyfriend. A relationship is far more intimate and requires a lot more intimacy, than you have with your family members. At least, I never met anyone who would kiss and have sex with their friend and family member.... I think this goes without saying.
Spend three years apart, and I can almost guarantee you that everyone would feel the same way the OP does.
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (2 June 2016):
Chigirl - he didn't say how often he sees his fiancée. Lots of long distance couples still do see each other fairly regularly and video chat almost daily, so it's not like being strangers unless they don't spend any time together. I mean, they were together for 2 years before that. It's not like families become strangers because they live in different countries :)
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (2 June 2016):
I think not all relationships can survive long distance, and long distance over such a long time as 3 years... well it's a lot! You're practically strangers!
I would vote against marrying her until you and her have spent time TOGETHER in the same city, or perhaps live together for 6 months first. To see how it goes. I mean, she is coming back permanently soon, right? Or just flying in for the wedding?
If she is coming back NOW, as you said, and by now I mean next week, and not next year, then take that time to get to know her again. You and her were happy before she left, those sparks might very well come back once you are together physically again.
Being in a long distance relationship is like being in a relationship with a fairy tale or magic creature. It's all in your head, at the end of the day, you barely get to spend any time with them, you are effectively single. So no wonder you developed feelings for someone else, I think anyone would have in your shoes. And that's okay, don't feel bad about it. You're only human. Feelings arise. But you didn't act on it, and it's your actions that you are responsible for, not the feelings as such.
Your feelings for your girlfriend could come back once you start to hang out with her in person. And the feelings for the co-worker might fade away. So don't do anything yet, bide your time and see how things unfold. Go on date with your girlfriend and be open about how you feel you lost touch with her, lost that chemistry, because of the long distance. And tell her you want to build that up again, and get close again, by treating your relationship like a new one, and go on dates and get to know one another again.
...............................
A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (2 June 2016):
 End it with your Fiance, she deserves better than this, you are emotionally cheating. Don't leave it any longer as I am sure she is already planning the wedding. If you look at her as a best friend, then don't marry her.
Whatever about the other girl, I think you need to focus on you, I mean you are engaged to be married and already you are thinking you will need to move home to be with this other girl. You really need to take a break and just concentrate on yourself and what you want out of life. Maybe being single for a while will help.
...............................
A
female
reader, singinbluebird  +, writes (2 June 2016):
 Long-distance relationship is hard, not being attracted to someone is the hardest. You really have to end it with your current partner---not being able to make love to her because youre not attracted to her nor feel comfortable touching her is being selfish and ultimately demeaning to her as a woman. When we're in love, we want to be desired and loved by our partner and if thats not something you feel towards her , you have to end it. It's a gift to her to let her go and find someone who does love her for her even if it breaks her heart that youre leaving herI know shes your bestfriend, but youre hurting her. And youre hurting yourself by staying and not being true to your own feelings.Regarding the new lady, if you want her --go for it. What's stopping you from happiness? Just make sure youre not thinking only about the passion but other aspects well. Can she also be your bestfriend? Can she also make you feel safe, comfortable, a man, a confidante? Will you be willling to risk some things to be with her? If yes and if you feel a desire from her to do same for you, whats stopping you from achieving something beautiful with her? The guilt that is plaguing you is hurting but we have to selfish a little to understand that only in that way do we stay true to who were are and what we feel. Let the past relationship go. She sounds like she was just that and you have moved on from it a long while ago but held on just because of the support/obligation. I'd say end it quickly with integrity (and compassion). If she doesnt want to remain friends because of the hurt, respect her decision and respect that fact that she needs find someone who does finds her attractive/exciting.TBH you should start focusing on yourself as well. Dont run away from your career to be with a woman. Make sure all things in your life is good, then be open to passion, love, and romance. I have dated a many guys who I saw as friends but couldnt sleep with and I knew it was wrong to lead them on. Several Ive kissed and didnt enjoy it. Its absolutely wrong to lead anyone on so I ended it gently but as swiftly as I could. I did find a man whom I had a lot of passion with but I also knew in my mind and heart we were compatible in some ways. Many people marry for comfort and later cheat for passion because its something we all ache for. DONT settle, you will regret it later. The best romantic relationship has passion but its also balanced with compatibility, willingness to do a lot for your partner, compromises, great sex, friendship and if many many happy couples can find it, so can you. Good luck
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2016): Why did you get engaged to someone with whom there is no physical attraction in the first place, may I ask? Does she feel no attraction for you?
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (2 June 2016):
Firstly, you've sort of emotionally cheated for the last year. You don't have to tell your fiancée that, but you need to end it. You keep calling her your "current partner", not even "fiancée", which is a sure sign you've already moved on.Secondly, you don't *know* anything, in regards to your future with the other person. It could last a week, a month, a year - you have no way of knowing. Also, I think you should stop thinking you're in love; you haven't been dating and you don't know all that much about who they are outside of the environment you're in.I think you should focus on setting up the life you want, as an individual. For the most part, relationships shouldn't decide where our life plans go - they should fit in with it. Obviously, there are some cases where that's not so simple and the relationship comes first, but that's not normally when it's new - which is what this colleague would be. If you want to be with her, you have to date, like you did with your fiancée, not just jump in and move everything.
...............................
|
