A
male
age
51-59,
*ifeAlone
writes:I have been alone- without being on a single date- since 1997. When I was younger, out of college I worked 8 years, 7 days a week, year round, 10-24 hours a day. The only time I had off was extremely rare and I was normally mentally exhausted. Therefore, my entire 20's I couldn't date.At 30, I was laid off from my last job, and due to having generalized anxiety disorder I have been unable to find a new career (I can't work any old job, I'd collapse on the floor- this is WITH the best medication.) I have spent years 30-38 trying to find work I can do to no avail. (Trust me, your first 100 thoughts have been considered and are invalid.) So I am still working on this- but please don't focus on the career or anxiety issues, those are separate from my issue.I am now 38. I have never met anyone even close to around my age. I have no workplace. I have no money, so I don't go too many places, though I do go to Starbucks often. However, it's a college town, so the customers are mostly college aged women. I can not volunteer (due to my anxiety) and my spirituality does not have churches. My hobbies are not group related (other than online, but I tend to do things alone even in online games, for instance.) Another important thing is that I am attracted to younger women, mostly for two reasons- I want kids of my own, and I have "younger" hobbies (I'm a gamer, for instance.) I do not want to be a stepparent- I feel if I do not pass on my DNA, I will have failed in life. (Yes, since I'm always asked, I DO feel my DNA is worth passing on- I have a genius level IQ, and have excellent things to teach my kids... seeing some of the people that have procreated really boggles my mind and makes me fear for the future.)Here's my issue- let's assume magically next Monday I solve my career woes and began working again. (It's June.) It would take me a year, minimum, to get enough of my finances straight to TRY to get my own place again. (My credit was destroyed by a former employer failing to pay me my salary for a full quarter.) Let's say I get a new place. I'd be 39 1/2. I start dating IMMEDIATELY. I am shy, and have had 3 girlfriends, only one lasted 2 years- the others 2 weeks. I therefore do not find it easy to find others to date- I can't ask in person, I don't follow through online, and have no friends to get hooked up through. How am I going to find a fit, attractive gamer-girl-geekette that I'm interested in (my one mega turn-off is overweight women, so that is always a problem as many with my interests are overweight), who is younger than me by enough years that we don't have to rush to have kids before she risks birth defects in her 40's, or the inability to have kids... AND, how is someone who hasn't dated since 1997 going to convince ANYONE to date him? And even if I start dating... the math is frightening: 6 mos.-1 yr. of dating (minimum), 1 yr. min. living together, get engaged for 6 mos.-1 yr., get married, spend 1-2 yrs. together enjoying our lives before kids... so I'd be at LEAST 43 or so before having a first child.Of course, THAT isn't going to happen, because I won't have a career next week- it could be 5 more years.I don't really see how to handle this- how to meet someone I'd like who doesn't yet have kids, how to explain to them WHY I haven't dated so long, etc. I mean, realistically I could be a 50 year old looking for a 27 year old. Unfortunately, I'm NOT rich, so that isn't going to happen.And while I can live an unsuccessful life without having kids... I really don't see any reason to have a life if I'm going to be alone.So... input? I don't feel I'm being too picky- I have two criteria: Not overweight, no kids. I am not responsible for the woes I've suffered in life, so I have nothing to be embarrassed about, but it isn't the usual path others have had, so it requires explaining... but HOW do you explain such a thing, and HOW do you get someone a decade+ younger than you to be interested?Or, should I just accept my fate and embrace a short, lonely, failed life?
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (23 June 2010):
 A last note, you said when you described why you want children "I continue to exist". No you don't. Your child is not you. You have to look outside of the box and to the wider picture. If you make a difference in someone's life, then you have made a difference in the world. Bringing a child into it or not. If you have inspired someone to do good, then you have made a difference. Someone will always remember you. Even if they are dead, their memory of you will still exist. Already you have made a difference. You have made a difference in the life of your mother, and your siblings if you have any. You made a difference for the girl you dated back a long time ago, for 2 whole years. Bringing a child into the world does not make the world remember you. It makes one more person remember you. But have the ability to affect peoples lives, whether they are bonded to you by blood or not.
Many times in life, the people who have made a difference for us, the people who left and impression and that we will always remember, are people who we barely know. Or perhaps don't even talk to anymore. Perhaps you only met them for a second, and they will never get to know how much they influenced your life.
Even if you can't see the influence you have in the eyes of a son or daughter, you can still make a difference in the world to so many others. And even if you have a child born with a difficulty (let me add that mental health is often inherited, your child can just as easily have a mental health problem and suffer from anxiety like yourself), you will make a difference in that childs life.
But most importantly, I believe you are seeking a child and a family because you want that child to make a difference in your life. You want something. You should be focusing on giving instead. Giving a child life. Not for the purpose of leaving your genes behind, but for the purpose of giving that particular child a life. Which is far more important.
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (23 June 2010):
You have to lower your standards man. And you have to take a deeper look at the "ideal woman" you are portraying. First off, if you did find a young geekette into online gaming, (and contrary to your beliefs gaming isn't really just for young people, it's more like a personality thing), she won't be interested in kids and family life. She will be interested in gaming and sitting alone in her room, just like you do.
Which brings me to this: so your interests are not ones that make you go out and meet new people. So you just expect a woman to land in your lap? Change your interests. Pick up something you don't really care for! Go out of your comfort zone! Challenge yourself! You are basically listing up that you want a female version of yourself, but let me tell you that would be a dysfunctional relationship. If both of you were introvert and never go out and only play online games, first off you wouldn't ever meet. Second there'd be no family life because your interests are gaming, and last time I checked there is not much time for online gaming when you had a toddler in the house.
So I say: re-evaluate what would be the perfect woman for you. Differences are attractive. I don't think you need a woman who you can play games with side by side. You need a woman who will respect your time with gaming, and who you in return respect enough to participate in social activities for her sake. If you go for a introverted woman, you will both dust down in your private rooms and hardly spend time together, family life is pretty much out of the picture. Instead find someone with a healthy outlook on life and gaming, who can embrace both sides, yours and hers. In return you can't be so hard on your demands, you need to be willing to compromise.
As for the no kids from previous relationships go: that's acceptable. You have a desire to create your own family. But if you are not willing to compromise on some things, you are eliminating a whole lot of women whom you could be having a loving and giving relationship with.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (22 June 2010):
 Thanks again for that followup.
I want you to run yourself through this website: http://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome
I think you've got some warpy thoughts going on there.
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A
male
reader, LifeAlone +, writes (22 June 2010):
LifeAlone is verified as being by the original poster of the question Hmm. Sorry for that double-post... Must have been another iPod issue _ Any way to delete that double? Sorry.
@Tisha... That's tricky. Right now, I go to Starbucks nearly daily... I've established it as a place I'm safe and comfortable, after years of going. However, since I'm older than the students, no one talks to me for the most part. That's true my whole life though- back in college if I went with 15 fraternity brothers to the bar, no one would talk to me. I'm too shy to approach others and begin conversation: I don't know how to proceed past hello, and inevitably talk about myself too much.
I'm overly honest, so I bring up my career woes, anxiety, other things of the sort. I don't have a great ability understanding how to talk to others without revealing these issues because let's face it: the first question asked is "what do you do?" How do I answer that casually without coming off later as lying?
As to friends, that's harder yet. I don't get along with men well- I find most to be womanizers or overly macho. I'm like a non-gay gay guy, if that makes sense. I'm silly as heck, take few things seriously and just like to have fun. However, going to a bar a sitting there is not having fun for me. I am also not a fan of having the obligation of having to go hang out at friends' places, etc. when I have them. I just need to unwind when I am not working or have finished chores, or my anxiety spikes. Anyways, I've always had female friends better than male ones, but always few in my life.
I can't do group events- I have no money so I can't pay to join a class/group, plus there's always the possibilty at some point I would need to immediately leave, or I might just fall to the floor screaming for help.
Plus, I seem to have backwards interests. What I mean is, everyone lo rs summer? I hate it- love winter. People go dancing in the clubs? I love to dance- but I ONLY listen to Prince, and am not into any other music, so going to dance is not fun (unless you get a great DJ who'll do a 2-hour Prince mix- then I'm in Heaven.) Still, whatever seems to be the big thing, I tend to find out I like the opposite. Not always, and not deliberately.
These reasons are why I stress why I won't try dating while unemployed or while my anxiety is so bad. Of course, having no career options and not being able to date is a big part of what drives my anxiety. It's a lovely loop.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (22 June 2010):
Thank you for the followup. Wow, you certainly are analyzing this thoroughly. I have a simple question in reply: What are you doing to meet people and make friends? Ignore the dating stuff for now.
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A
male
reader, LifeAlone +, writes (22 June 2010):
LifeAlone is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the input, all.
Since I was worried about space in my original post, I skipped important things and omitted concepts that are relevant.
I neglected to say I'm fine meeting an "older" woman- but where do 30-somethings go to hang out? I only go to Starbucks. I don't do bars, etc. Plus, I've never met a 30-something gamer-woman, and any relationship where a woman thinks gaming is something you "grow out of" is not going to work (average gamers age is 37 and growing, it's a life hobby, and not inferior to other hobbies.) The reason I stressed age is, if she's 39, we have to get having kids immediately- odds of birth defects such as Autism increase greatly, and while I would love any child I would be depressed with a special needs child that might not reach the same heights as a healthy child.
I certainly know timeframes are silly, I was stressing my feelings- what my mind is doing- about this. After all, say I meet a 42 year old at 45. She is divorced twice. Yet I had 1 relationship for 2 years, and 2 for 1 week. I've had sex 25 times. How is that woman going to react to a near-virgin who is ready for a college-level relationship- she'll be jaded on sex and living together, where to me it'd be this grand new thing.
I stressed my IQ because it's my greatest feature- I have no given talents. However, I am a Druid, and thus combine my IQ as a master student of Wisdom, of course, wise people know the problems you can't resolve the most involve yourself!
As to work/anxiety, the reason I said to ignore that is because I won't try dating until that is resolved. I don't do double standards, fir instance, I need to lose the weight I gained working nonstop, and since I am turned off by overweight women, I'd never date until I'm back in shape. I will nit be able to cure my anxiety, but I'll be able (hopefully) to get it back to how it was in my 20's- It damaged my health, made me sick often, had to cancel plans, but overall I could do things better than now. Unfortunately now I can not do things- if I volunteered (or took any old job), I would eventually collapse, unable to speak- or communicate what was wrong. Because Bush cut funding, you can't get into Community Health (must be suicidal or homicidal). It is more about the chemical imbalance created ny the genetic disease though, so we keep working on med combos, but for some, anxiety disorder is not curable. It is also not a phobia, so there is no exposure therapy. (Working at McD's would result in me getting illl/collapsing no matter how long I kept at it before being fired.) I require an office environment w/flex time, no travel, no client/customer contact doing something creative. Put my headphones on and go to work for hours. That's the only thing that flies for me- but if the job has mega deadlines, it negates the work environment.
Still, I won't date until I have income and my anxiety let's me function at 80%. having a wife/kids would help. Right now I'd never travel- but if I had a wife I might be willing.
Oh, and I was not exaggerating my work time: I was an award winning virtual reality developer, where my managers routinely sold year long projects in 2 month windows. As developer, I had to do everyone's work, given to me at the last minute done wrong.
The only time I got off was sick days and two bouts of exhaustion, other than my first job, where I had a few weekends off. But out of eight years, I was working so much I couldn't do chores, shop, etc. Quitting was no good- the career is run that way. Unfortunately, it's how the entire software development career is run, and I can't return despite it being my only skill (the tools used were niche and don't translate to similar work like Web Development), and I can't return to school. I also can't move, as I mentioned my credit was destroyed by an employer failing to pay me prior to bankruptcy. I'd love to work on games, but no companies are in my city... plus their deadlines are worse.
Anyways, too much about my work/anxiety. I simply meant "assume I fixed them": As I said, I won't date until these are fixed. I'd never date unemployed. I'll have to date w/anxiety, but I did so fine in my one true relationship in 89-90. (My 97 relationship lasted one week- was Chicago-New York long distance.) How do I explain being alone so long without all this baggage on a first date? How do I please a 40-ish woman when I'm ready for a 20-ish relationship (in terms of experience?)
It just seems my time is out, and I will be alone. To that I ask: Why bother? A few months after my death it'll be as if I never existed. I will not have been able to pass along my wisdom to my own child- I can't rightfully teach other people's kids the truth of liberal policies superiority over conservative ones, or open-mindedness to all- their parents may be anti-gay, etc.
My greatest fear is dying and having had no lasting impact on the world- which having my own genetic child is doing- I continue to exist, and even if I make no difference, my child may create new, clean energy, or cure cancer. Plus his/her kids continue my family tree.
I don't want to be a dead branch on my tree.
I often feel like other people aren't attacked for the same things I am. I mention I'm unattracted to overweight women, and get reamed, yet we know millions of men feel the same. I'm just upfront and honest- yet they get the pass. Honesty is supposed to be a good trait!
Anyways, thanks for answering/reading. I've spent months for 5-6 years, solving this riddle to no avail.
(I apologize for spelling/bizzare word swaps- I'm on my "auto-correct-to-the-wrong-thing iPod. _)
Sincerely, Thanks.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2010): I can understand why you are panicking about this. However, and perhaps this is just the way you have phrased it, I don't think you are going to get much sympathy.The problem is, you seem to have 1) been really very specific about what you want, which probably makes you a bit blinkered when looking for potential partners, 2)planned everything out, or at least have a plan in mind, which is unrealistic, 3) by talking about all the things you cannot do, have basically cut off any possible suggestions from the aunts and uncles. I also feel you are misguided if you think your career and anxiety issues have nothing to do with you relationship issues. As an outsider looking in, it strikes me that they are all inextricably linked, because if it wasn't for those then you wouldn't be in this position.I feel that this question cannot really be answered on here. I think you need to go back to the root of your problems, as I cannot see the relationship issue being sorted until the anxiety disorder is not quite so dominating. If you cannot even do volunteering through anxiety then this is obviously going to have massive consequences for conducting a relationship. Can you find some self-help groups or get some therapy?Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2010): Hi, i think you do have very high standards. First of all you want someone much younger than you. This is anrealistic. Considering what you told us about yourself. A 27 years old woman that wants a family will deffinitely want someone who has a stable job, and some kind of financial security. You don't have that.
Sorry, hopeless situation w/your way of thinking.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (22 June 2010):
The other aunts have done such a good job answering this that I only have one or two thoughts to add here.
What do you mean, you can't volunteer? You can't stuff envelopes? You can't deliver newsletters? You just don't want to take the time to find a charity that could use that brain of yours.
I'm sorry, but your social and anxiety issues are the crux of your issue and your chances of success are low unless you have come to some equalization of that.
Most women, overweight or not, are not going to be attracted to a man with no friends. Money issues can be overlooked if he brings something else to the table, but you sound so defeated and stuck before you even start that I doubt anyone would eagerly look forward to spending time with you. What is it, besides your DNA, that you have to offer a woman?
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (22 June 2010):
 "Please don't focus on the career or anxiety issues, those are separate from my issue"
Except these have everything to do with your issue. Separating them doesn't work.
Your lack of career is preventing you from meeting people in a sustained way where they might get a chance to know you in a non-superficial way.
Your anxiety no doubt is effecting your social interaction.
And MMO's are no way to meet women, but I'm sure you already realised that.
I have some suggestions for you;
- Switch off the computer. Go outside, do some exercise. It's good for your anxiety, your self esteem, and your looks.
- Find some cheap or free classes / groups that involve group activities. These could be sports, things like yoga or tai chi, calligraphy, flower arranging, life drawing. It doesn't matter. Each of these will introduce you to groups of people where you can interact, as well as provide a shared interest that's not video gaming. Acquire as many group related hobbies as you can: real-life hobbies that require face to face interaction.
- Drop your conceit about your IQ. Describing yourself as having a 'genius level IQ' is unattractive. Better to demonstrate your intelligence rather than state it. And as oldersister puts it, IQ is only one measure of intelligence. Emotional intelligence, intuition, creativity, musicality, wit, humour, empathy, dexterity: all these are forms of intelligence, and in their own way equal to IQ.
- Forget your checklist. Checklists are a myth: the reality is we do not control who we are attracted to, it's basic animal instinct. Stop analysing and over-thinking, and let your instincts take over. Switch your brain off, and your balls on, in other words.
One last thing. Have you consider working for a games company? You'd be better off taking an entry level job at one of these than how you currently are. Perhaps you've already tried this, I don't know. But if not, consider it. Here's a start: http://www.ccpgames.com/en/jobs.aspx
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Liza999  +, writes (22 June 2010):
 agree with C grant completely...You are brilliant and this is what may be causing you this stress.. Are the thoughts that are roaming around your head always quick and analytical? I'd like to make a few suggestions to help you get out of your head so you can create some new experiences from a state of emptiness...read some Ekhart tolle, watch some Jerry and esther hicks videos on you tube, breathe, meditate. This is a bit of a thinking exercise but it worked for me Write down everything you would like to experience in the next few months with no limits and no restrictions! Go for the best possibe outcome. Read it everyday and don't focus your attention on anything that may inhibit you from having those things! One true media has free videos that you can make and put to music I cut out pics from the internet of what I wanted to see my life look like in a year and I watched it repeatedly for 3 months. I opened my business and met my partner :)oh one more thing ...after you write your list,or make your intention video... when she does show up in your life which she will, it may not fit the criteria perfectly, but that will be okay too! goodluck and start dreaming of what you do want !
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (22 June 2010):
 I am wary writing this because I feel, anyway I phrase it, it will come out as if I am putting you down or questioning your worth. So,Op, just take my word for that : no, I have no intention of doing anything similar. I am just tryng to be sensible and practical.
So- I do think you are picky.
You only have two explicit requirements - not overweight,no kids. But it sounds like there are several implicit requirements too.
One ( not so implicit,in fact ) is that she must be way younger than you. Then, she must be family oriented and wanting to have kids soon. If you care about her weight, I suppose looks matter to you ( not that they should not ! ) and I guess you would not be Ok with a skinny, yet butt-ugly girl. Since you are rightly proud of your high IQ, I supppose you would not be ok with someone who is not intelligent too, because she would not "get " you. She should also more or less share your interests, because for some reason I can't see you with a party animal, or a gym bunny, etc. She should have a good ,secure job-because like you say for quite a while you'll be barely able to provide for yourself,let alone to help her out if she loses her job or wants to go back to school. She should not have mental health issues, because if you'd bump into someone with your same anxiety disorder,or another disorder, is a recipe for disaster. She should be an emphatic, caring,sensitive,not judgemental person that's not fazed by how you lived the last 8 or 10 years of your life.
Now - I believe that in the eyes of God/ Universe / the Sourceof life / or simply in the name of our own humanity , everybody os us is perfect,precious and complete. You don't have to apologize for anything you are,or you are not, because by being who you are you are fulfilling your mission in this life.
This from a spiritual point of view.
We also have to deal with the physical plan, though. On the physical, everyday plan- the dating market is just that - a market. Everybody gets priced and weighted, and you get points. Beauty and youth, you get points. Prison record and drug addiction, detract points Money and degrees, add point. Illnesses and physical impairments, detract point. And so on and so forth.
I( am afraid that right now- and I underline : right NOW in this moment , the sum of your points, from what you say about yourself, may be not close enough to the sum of points of the woman you want.
So the problem ,from a practical point of view, is closing the gap That you can do in two ways - either working hard on your present issues ( anxiety,unemployement,etc.)until something improves, OR lowering your expectations and being more inclusive about your preferences.
Again, I know what I say sounds harsh,and no disrespect is meant. It wasn't me who made the rules about the dating market :)
Good luck, and believe in yourself. At times it just takes an instant to turn over a life.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant +, writes (22 June 2010):
 Ok, I'm going to give you a one liner, only because I could completely see myself going through exactly the same thought process.
Man, you are seriously overthinking this.
Think baby steps. Seeing a cute girl in Starbucks, and imagining you and her attending your daughter's college graduation in 25 years, is NOT the basis for beginning a relationship. At all.
Obviously you're smart. And smart people plan. But people cannot plan relationships. Doesn't work.
Relationships often begin accidentally. You bump into someone, make a quip, they say something clever back, and you offer to pay for the coffee you spilled when you bumped into her. It's random stuff like that, little openings that you exploit into slightly larger openings, and things then progress.
It's a stochastic process -- random with a probability function. Which begins with you putting yourself into situations where the random thing can begin. Expect many null interactions. You cannot know, ex ante, which one will lead to another step. Which, after all, is the thrill of it. But if you try to model it all out ex ante, the probability is high that the outcome will indeed be 'alone forever.'
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