A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Having been married for 6 years, I'm now in my first relationship post-divorce (which is kind of strange for me in and of itself). I recently met this amazing woman and we've been going out now for about three months. She is also divorced and has a young child (7 years old) - I find her daughter to be wonderful, but it does somewhat complicate the situation in that her daughter still holds out hope that mom and dad will get back together and resents anyone who stands in the way of that (so much so that we're waiting for awhile to even approach the subject of us dating to her).I'm very much aware that this relationship is still very new but I've developed strong feelings for her already. She has feelings for me as well but it's pretty obvious that her feelings are not quite so strong yet (which is perfectly fine... You really can't help what you feel most of the time). She says I'm the sweetest guy she's ever dated but she doesn't want to rush into anything. She says we need to spend a long time getting to know each other because we've both made mistakes in the past and she doesn't want to again. Her word that comes up over and over is "baby steps". Again, this is ok - I think she's worth waiting for even if nothing comes out of it at the end...But here's where my problems begin... When we're together, I feel like I'm the only person in the world to her. She's fantastic and seems 100% into me and us...and it feels like she's falling just as hard as I am. However, when we're not, she'll almost disappear. She seldom replies to text messages or voicemails and, if she does actually answer the phone, she usually sounds distracted. Additionally, it's rare for her to initiate contact. I've asked her about it and she says it's very difficult being a single mother and that she reads or listens to every message she gets from me but doesn't always have time to reply right then and then forgets about it until she sees me again. Just to be clear, I'm not talking about stalking her - I don't try to contact her 10 times a day or anything like that. I've also asked her if I bug her too often and she says absolutely not. But I find it strange that replies are so infrequent... I know we're not teenagers and we don't need to talk non-stop every day but sometimes I feel like she's giving me mixed signals and that she's only really into me when I'm in front of her...Ultimately, I think I just need to be patient with her if I want to make it work. I've never dated a single woman with a young child before (and I know being a good mother is very important to her) and maybe this is common in this situation... Am I being oversensitive to the situation? She means a lot to me and I don't want to push her away by being "too serious". Am I making something out of nothing and I just need to relax? I'm doing ok with this so far because I've managed to avoid telling her how crazy its starting to make me (I did ask her a couple of questions about it but then dropped the issue after she answered me...). So I'm mostly just obsessing about this inside my own head. I guess what I really want is another opinion from someone who's been in a similar situation. If I'm making an issue where there isn't one (even if the issue is inside my own head) then I want to knock it off before it negatively affects my relationship....Thanks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirst of all, thanks to everyone that answered. Having additional points of view/insight has helped me look at all sides of this and it's much appreciated.
To Jonas, I text her once (maybe twice) if I don't hear anything. If she starts talking back (which has happened a couple of times) then obviously it becomes more.. I don't mean to give the impression that she never answers either... Sometimes she doesn't answer for 10-12 hours, sometimes the next day, sometimes not at all.
Oddly enough, I have something to add to this that happened yesterday. I ran into her best friend at the supermarket and she asked me if I'd talked to my girlfriend lately. I said she had called in the morning to tell me she'd gone to the doctor (she hasn't been feeling well the last couple of days). The friend said "Oh, ok...good. I tried texting her to find out if she felt better, but I never heard back. You know how she is...." This is someone she's been friends with for 20 years - so maybe this is just how she is and has nothing to do with me at all...
To the anonymous reply - I do understand your point. I tend not to call her that often precisely because I don't want to interrupt her time with her daughter or be something she has to explain...been sticking more with text messages for that reason. In fact, I have been on the phone with her when I'll hear her daughter start asking a bunch of questions like "Who are you talking to?" and heard her explaining its just mommy's friend (usually followed by "I really should go..."). So I really do get that she has more than just her own feelings to deal with here.
To CindyCares - Your response is basically echoing my own internal conversation. That her being very slow to respond (or never responding) shows a lack of interest on her part. However, the way she acts when we're phsyically together - from body language, to the way she looks at me, to even what she says - is saying otherwise (which frankly, is what I'm finding so confusing). Truth is, I've watched her mostly ignore her phone when she's with me too (aside from checking to make sure it's not her daughter, she pays no attention to it).
Ultimately, I think I'm dealing with my own insecurities (like 1Sunshine said) and reading too much into all this. Unless she's really good at acting, everything about her (except for this particular thing) says she has feelings for me so I think I really just need to trust her, be sensitive to the fact that she has to consider her daughter's feelings (not just hers and mine) and relax (and be patient)....which is kind of what I've thought all along but this helped to clarify some of the reasons I hadn't really thought of...
Thanks everyone.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (19 January 2012):
 I don't buy the " really busy " , we not talking about doing the teenager all night texting, but just of returning a phone message, as it would be only polite if one cares to maintain the friendship or relationship going. It can be a matter of literally one minute, if she has no time for long conversation- just to aknowledge the fact that you have called, and she appreciates it.
I also don't think the daughter has a whole lot to do with that. Of course a single mum should be very cautious and not to expose the child to a potential frequent turn over of mummy's suitors , in fact in her place I would not even introduce you to the girl, or give her any specific label for you other than " a friend " if she MUST meet you, before being sure that the relationship is solid and committed. But what this has got to do with returning an occasional message or phone call in due time ?
I think she is dragging her feet or betting her edges in case anything better comes along. To me she sounds lukewarm, more than concerned about the kid.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2012): Have you asked her what a good time to call would be? Maybe you always try to reach her when she's just gotten off work and needs to pay attention to her daughter, or she's fixing dinner or overseeing homework or cleaning or ... you get the idea.Being a single parent is stressful and there's always something that needs doing. She's still dealing with her daughter's feelings about the divorce, which takes time and energy. Plus, most single mothers (in the US, at least) see their incomes go down, which means adjusting to less money and possibly worrying about it a lot. This also takes time and energy. You say that when you're together everything is wonderful. I'd go with that as an indicator of her feelings.There's probably a window each day when she'd be able to talk to you, even if it's a short one.
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A
female
reader, 1sunshine +, writes (18 January 2012):
 I guess I'm on the opposite end of the stick lol ;) I also feel so secure and wonderful when we are together. After about a day of not seeing eachother, my insecurities seem to build up. I know he is busy at work or with his kids but I get so anxious and want him to reply to my texts, ect. shortly. It's been over 7 months now and I always wonder why I still feel insecure? I even have bad thoughts that maybe he's at the bar talking to a girl... idk... ( I had a bad relationship before him and I think that effected me in a negitive way ) I think you need to sit down with her (calmly) and let her know how you feel. Not to offend her but really find out how she feels about you and give you some reassurance. In my situation, I did that within our second month of dating. I called him and asked him why I didn't hear back from him in 12 hours. I was really upset. He simply told me that nothing was wrong at all and he was really happy in our relationship :D It helped me somewhat and I really think as time passes, you start to have faith :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2012): she does have a kid and probably has to work on top of that, so she's really busy. if you feel strongly for her id continue with it, it'll get better if its meant to be
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (18 January 2012):
 Too much drama.... give her up!!!!
Good luck...
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