A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am looking for a long term relationship and have a question about the early warning signs in dating.I have recently met a guy, we have had three dates and he's handsome, intelligent and sweet. The dates are great, we talk a lot and he tells me how attractive I am all the time. However he has done a few things that have concerned me and I am wondering whet here these are red flags.Before our third date he went out to a birthday bash and ended up drinking til 4am with a female colleague. He also has a female best friend who he describes as gorgeous and stunning. I have asked why he hasn't gone out with her, he said she's like a little sister to him. He works in a female dominated workplace to be totally fair. Additionally, our third date was nearly cancelled because he wanted to meet later then planned to accommodate the big night and only when I agreed to change my plans did we meet.I don't know what to make of it. Should I continue dating or are these warning signs, a sign I should end it. I know it's early days but as the chemistry between us is strong I want to know whether I should bail before things get physical.Do people change when they meet that someone special? Will his partying stop? Do I need time before judging?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2014): Original question asker here!
Thanks for your advice everyone, especially Cindycares for such a thoughtful, considerate and intelligent response.
Taken aboard all your comments!
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (29 April 2014):
 I agree with the anon female, this is a difficult one to answer , because it's one of those cases where everybody is right.
The posters are right who say, hey slow down, it's just 3 dates, don't act all wifey and possessive , and don't try to make a whole Tarot card reading out of a few isolated things which per se mean nothing either way, good or bad. It takes time to get to know a person,even just to get a general feel of him / her. And it takes even more time to make a few dates develop into a relationship.
So, yes, in theory, and objectively, you'd need more time and info to judge .
On the other hand, never discount the power of intuition. If there's something that does not sit well with you, that nags at you, as innocuous as it sounds, well then if it bothers you it's not so innocuous for YOU.
Maybe it's something silly, but, if you notice it, then it's not actually silly for YOU, and you just are reluctant to admit it because it 's not politically correct. For example, as if you were bothered because his fashion sense is off and he does not dress well, yeah that would be shallow as a deal breaker... but what if , say, you are a fashion designer, or a visual artist, anyone with a highly developped aesthetic sense which is strongly disturbed by garish or dis-harmonius sights ?...Going out with him would be always like going on a walk wearing tight shoes, you could not enjoy the scenery because at every step you'd be reminded there's something wrong.
So, it's a balancing act, you are not supposed to jump the gun in judging people, nor to read too deeply into things,... and yet, at the same time, if you have misgivings, own them !, do not take a poll to find out if they are reasonable acceptable admissible etc. If they bother you, they bother YOU, you OP. Only you can decide how much they bother , regardless of how minor or major the infraction is in the eyes of the general public.
Then, there's another balancing act, between being too picky and demanding- and knowing ,though ,exactly what you want. Don't lie to yourself.
If you know exactly what you want deep down, weeding them out rather ruthlessly is not a process that makes you scared or uncomfortable, because you know that in " losing " them, you are not really losing anything, since by " getting " them, you'd be settling, not getting what you really want.
I have got the feeling -maybe I am wrong- that what you want is someone who is much, and evidently , into you. This guy made quite an impression on you, and you'd want him to be equally impressed by you. You want to be liked as much as you like, or more.
In this case, yeah, it's only 3 dates etc.etc., but it's also true that someone who is instinctively into you would not try to fit you into his plan and make you accomodate his schedule - he'd probably say, screw the birthday bash, there will be other birthdays , but if I let this great gal slip away , someone else will snatch her from me, so ..seize the day, hit the iron while it's hot.
I think the discomfort / unease you feel about his behaviour, is because you perceive the lack of the Wow ! factor on his side. Yes, he likes you , otherwise he would not ask you out, but... he likes you somewhat, he likes you reasonably. I think you'd want him to be more smitten, more impressed. If he were, he probably would not wax lyrical about other women's beauty, not because there's anything wrong in calling a friend gorgeous and stunning, but because...it would not cross his mind, he 's already got you to wax lyrical about :).
In conclusion, you fear that you like him more, or much more, than he likes you.
And here, we are back to square one :). Because, it's absolutely true that this guy has no obligations to be bowled over after just 3 dates, maybe he needs time to appreciate you, to get attached, etc. On the other hand , you feel the lack of the Wow! factor and that makes you hesitant, and a bit disappointed too.
As you see , there's no one size fits all advice here.Other than a : proceed with caution, don't make heavy emotional investments until you see how the land lies, don't get attached too soon, just relax ,kick back and see what happens etc. etc. The usual stuff.- Which is easier said than done, though. So, if you are someone who has trouble handling / controlling her emotions, or who gets attached quickly, or who does not want to invest a lot of time in dating , who can't date without expectations, who does not enjoy dating per se and would consider it a waste of time and energy if it does not turn out into the " real thing "- perhaps you'd be better off troubleshooting radically, and calling it quits right now.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2014): My advice is to stop seeing him. The red flags are there and he isn't what you want, so don't waste any more time and save yourself some heartache. People don't change that much.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2014): This is a difficult one. He could be perfectly innocent and you may be overreacting… but something about the situation is giving you an iffy feeling so I don't think you should dimiss your concerns.This is an extreme example I know but I was in an emotionally abusive relationship with a narcissist for many years. He was also handsome, intelligent and sweet when he wanted to be, and it took me a long time to figure out why our relationship was so toxic. Here's how it goes: in the beginning there were some little things that bugged me. For example, he was often effusive in his praise of other women, commenting at random on their looks and pointing out ones he thought attractive. I began to feel jealous, but if I said anything about it he would be defensive; it's normal for men to appreciate beauty after all, so it must have been my problem with jealousy right? It's so easy to look like a crazy jealous bitch. So even if there's something knawing in the pit of your stomach you try to ignore it. That feeling is telling you that he's doing this deliberatley, but he's just oh so reasonable, he's such a nice guy, he couldn't possibly be doing this just to make you feel bad! So you suppress the feeling.And in the beginning there will be other small things. My ex for example refused to buy me flowers for Valentine's Day, or a card on my birthday. Although I was hurt, it was such a petty thing that I let it go. He was so convincing that it was about avoiding commercialism or some such, and I'm an adult so of course I'm not going to make a big deal about cards and flowers - that would be pathetic right?But this is gaslighting. When someone consistently does things to throw you off, to make you feel insecure, but what they're doing is so subtle and so within the bounds of normal behaviour that even though you feel there's something wrong, they're able to reationalise it away and make you feel like the one with the "red flag".And here's the thing, all these "little things" start to escalate. Why? Because what's really going on is that he's testing the waters. He's trying to see how much he can get away with, and how much you're willing to suppress your own needs, to "compromise" and more importantly, to suppress your own instincts that something isn't right. Eventually it will feel normal for you to dismiss your own feelings and needs. Any time you make any demands in the relationaship it will be because you are "difficult" or "unstable" or "controlling". Is this your situation? I don't know, and nobody here can tell you. I say all this just to ask you to please trust your own instincts. If you already feel like something is off with this guy after only three dates then walk away before it becomes a big deal. I'm married now and my husband works in a company where 75% of employees are female. I have never felt jealous about it. I know my husband loves me and cares about my well-being, and I trust him. I felt like a crazy jealous controlling needy pathetic looser for so long. It wasn't me. Don't let it be you! And no, people do not change.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2014): Original question asker here! Thank you for your replies. I realise I may be getting all flustered too soon.
I have to ask about the drinking, i just needed to clarify, he was on a birthday night out and ended up bar hopping with one female colleague til 4am. Is this cause for any pause? He did tell mme about it which I appreciated but I did think it was strange?
What would you say?
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (29 April 2014):
 You might be looking for a long term relationship but before it gets to that level you have to date,get to know them.
I don't see red flags with him but you are looking on him as a prospective husband - not somebody you've had 3 dates with. But that's up to you.
Don't put all your eggs in one basket, don't sleep with him to try and entice him. See him as a casual friend whom your getting to know. He must like you because he's dating you, getting to know you. If he eventually decides he wants a relationship, he will invest more time in you
Make plans of your own so your not always available, you don't have to comply to his free-time. Say no sometimes, but then suggest another night/day your free.
If female friends are a no go for you, then you will be waiting a long time for a man who doesn't have any.If you can't cope with that side then bail out now.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2014): He's not the guy for you.
With all due respect, OP the fact you wonder whether him having regular contact with other women may be a warning sign to you, is actually a big red flag over your head.
You're sounding a tad possessive and like you might not be able to handle him having other women in his life that he is close to.
You also talk about whether he can be changed if you're special enough to him? And his "partying ways" which was only basically a birthday party that finished at a pretty normal time for such occasions.
OP none of those are red flags to me, but you they matter. Personally I think you're way over the top and jumping to conclusions. It's only been three dates.
But yeah, you should walk, OP. He's not Mr. Right.
Time to examine how you approach dating, OP, you kind of sound quite picky. I mean these are tiny things you're talking about and you're kind of blowing them out of proportion.
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A
female
reader, Lola333  +, writes (28 April 2014):
You are in the beginning stages of dating. Enjoy it. Enjoy him. Certainly keep an eye on how he treats you. But if he usually does what he says, treats you with respect, is where he says he will be, then you need not worry.
You should also consider dating other people until you are exclusive. Dating is supposed to be fun. Not a race to the finish line. And don't sleep with him until you are monogamous. We women tend to fall hard after sex. So don't have sex with him until you are sure that he is the one for you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2014): You'll do yourself a big favor when you stop approaching your dates like you're on some sort of a mission. Long-term relationships don't just happen on-the-spot, or on demand. They develop. Two people have to be on the same page. It takes really strong feelings to create them. It could take weeks or months to know for sure.
The reality is, this guy may only be interested in dating you. Just because you're on a mission, don't expect men to instantly have feelings for you. Nor do they have any obligation to be exclusive; when all you're doing is going out, and have no formal-commitment between you.
You're not the only one evaluating him. He's also evaluating you; for your best traits and attributes.
Deciding if you're a good match. It's not a once-sided
deal. Make sure "you" raise no red-flags.
Men don't instantly attach their feelings; because they enjoyed a couple of dates with you. They are feeling you out as a person, testing you for compatibility, and gauging his level of sexual-attraction for you. He is well aware of all his options. You have been singled-out. They remain open until he makes it known to you that he feels you are someone special to him.
I mean he has to actually say those words; and show it in his actions. Don't start planning ahead. Building your dreams on the fact he's a nice-guy. He may be; but not right for you. Don't run the race ahead of him with your feelings; give him a chance to catch up.
You are in the introductory stage of a courtship; and this is only a trial to see how much you enjoy spending time together. Waiting to see if deeper romantic feelings will develop between you. So don't be so concerned about other women; concentrate on how he's treating you as a woman.
You're in "no-nonsense mode." As if he is already your boyfriend; feeling tempted to decide who should and shouldn't be his friends. One lady-friend is too many;
if you're insecure.
Careful! He may sense insecurity or jealousy. That may be a deal-breaker! Just be vigilant. Go with the flow. Raise no suspicions. Let it all play out naturally. Carefully observe; but don't be oversensitive to people who knew him before you.
Show no fear or concern. Glow with confidence. He's dating you now. You've got something he sees in you, they don't have. Take that to the bank.
If he has too many female friends and colleagues for your taste; it is better to not to attach any feelings, until you assess the whole landscape.
Don't go jumping to conclusions without factual evidence.
Letting the little schoolgirl remind you of old high-school days; when the prettier girls made you feel bad about yourself. You're a woman now. With your own unique beauty and things other women envy you for. Why do women forget that?
So lady-friends aren't a red-flag. Jealous girlfriends are.
If they seem too touchy-feely; always pawing him, and too lovey-dovey. I wouldn't take dating him too seriously. I'd date him for fun, and casually brush him off. If he goes out of his way to show them you're someone special, that will allay any doubt. It will also let them know; this might be a keeper, watch your step.
Women are affectionate creatures, so judge by the intensity. Not looking through the eyes of possessive jealousy or insecurity. If there is too much sexual-tension. You'll know.
Here's some tough-love.
He may know ladies prettier than you are. Your first inclination is to hate her; that's only natural and competitive. Just don't immediately assume they're friends with benefits. If you're that insecure, you're not really ready for a relationship. Nor is there any likelihood one would stand the test of time. The odds are against long-term; when there is insecurity at play. You'll collapse under-pressure.
It's hard to find adult heterosexual men; who don't know other women. They just might be pretty. Even prettier than you. Why would he date you in-front of them; if he felt more than friendship toward them? Would it be better to keep you away from his lady-friends? The more visible they are the better, girlfriend!
Is he the only good-looking guy you presently know?
Maybe you ought to make some male-friends to even the playing field; before actually committing to one guy.
Insecurity kills relationships. You'll always be on pins and needles when he's around those other women. Not a good start.
Get to know them when you can. Notice how much he contacts them when he's with you. If he's always making excuses to run to their rescue. They're c*ck-blocking you, dump him.
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A
female
reader, xjessie +, writes (28 April 2014):
Well the only thing you should ask yourself in this situation is whether you will be ok with this if the relationship gets more serious. Are you a jealous person? Could you get used to the idea that he works mostly with women and that he has a female best friend? That woman won't go away I can guarantee you that. She will stay in his life and although he might be serious when he says he only sees her as a sister, if you think it will make you jealous then end it now. Otherwise it will only cause you pain.
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