A
female
age
41-50,
*iccina
writes:I've been dating a married man for 3 years. I ignored him for a year because of that reson but he pursed and treated me like a queen. He says he's leaving date after date but their's always an excuse. He's been w her since he was 12 has 2 kids and doesn't want to hurt them. Now his mother is dying of cancer. I just dont know wether to hang in there or just walk away. I'm 28 divorced at 22. He treats me like a queen and is always with me. Do I hang in or though in the towel and deal with the pain. I gave him til June to leave but his mom will probably die around that time. What do I do I'm hurting
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female
reader, TELLULAH  +, writes (22 May 2008):
 Ok hold on!!!
Firstly I did not call every woman that was married an "Evil Cow". If you could be bothered to read my answer more carefully , I actually said "For all we know she could be". Yes my ex-husband did have an affair, and begged to come back as well. But I have standards and could not forgive him. I have been on both sides of this coin and like you "annon" could never ever have seen myself having an affair, but after being persuaded for 8 years that my partner loved me I caved in. I am not proud that I didnt wait till he had left his wife, it still makes me feel bad for her (especially as she would have him back at the drop of a hat). But the fact remains that some men or women do not have affairs just for a shag. They have them because they are desparately un-happy. Yes its wrong, anyone with any common sense can tell you that.
I wanted to point out that its not always the other girl/man's fault. The person that is married is the one mostly at fault, at the end of the day they should not be looking.
Anon, I really do feel for you. Because your Husband did not fall in love, he just wanted a shag. That must have been heart-breaking for you. You also said that the other woman was a "crack Whore", in which case she is ill and needs help. In fact you could say that your husband took advantage of a sick person. No wonder you are so bitter!! I dont blame you in the least. I certainly wouldnt have had him back!! So hey! hats off to you.
A
female
reader, ciccina +, writes (22 May 2008):
ciccina is verified as being by the original poster of the question This message is to go and get pregnant so the scumbag could be with his mistress scumbag. First of all you are ignorant bringing another child would only hurt that innocent baby. You sound bitter and angry. Im not a homewrecker. it take a husband and a wife to ruin their own marriage. Take responsibility in your failing marriage
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A
female
reader, ciccina +, writes (22 May 2008):
ciccina is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm still hanging in there. Things are getting tough because I cant be there to support him with his mother. He's very sad but feels he needs to be home because he doesnt want to upset his wife because shes doing alot for his mother. I try to understand and be patient but it hurts! It sounds like most of you think Im a home wrecker! News flash the home was already wrecked or he wouldnt have been looking. I beat myself up for years because of that. I realized its just bitter women. I didn't wreck their home, they did that all on their own.
Thank you for those of you who are understanding and supportive.
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A
female
reader, ciccina +, writes (22 May 2008):
ciccina is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI read some of your comments and I find it amazing on how its the other girls fault. If the marriage was great and she was there for him he would have never persued me for a year. Her pottery classes and stamping classes and book clubs always came first. Her TV shows always came first. He would try to be intimate with her but she always pushed him away for years. She's not a sexual loving women. She's cold and on a strict calander. She prints him out a calander every month. It's like he had to make an apt. to have sex. He's the total opposite. He's spontaneous and advanterous. Shes a stay at home mom so she could have paid a little more attention to her husband. Those of you who tell me to burn in hell and we are both scum and deserve each other in a negative way. I feel bad for you and I will pray for you because you seem angry and bitter and maybe a little guilty because you lost your husbands to someone who gave him what you couldnt. Dhar hes worth that chance. You sound sarcastic maybe you've been through it. Everyone is an individual and he doesn't seem that type! niether one on us thought we would fall in love. Dont be bitter
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2008): I am in the same situation...... I am dating a married man but when his father passed it hurt me a lot more because I could not be there for him the way that I wanted to. All I can tell you is to follow your heart. We used to spend a lot of time together but, I knew what it was when I got involved with him. I have been ther for him in more ways than I could name but I am hanging in there. The more I hang in there I think it hurts me more because I really want to eventually settle down have children and get married. I know that I can't havr that with him because he already has a family and he always says I would have left hera long time ago if it were not for my children. He also says that if she leaves me I guarantee that she cant come back, so your man maybe witing on her to make the first move. Just don't hurt yourself. do what makes you happy and right now I can honestly tell you that I am not happy because many nights i lye in bed wondering what he is doing and if he thinks about me and I am scared to date someone else for the fear of loosing him but be real he already has someone. Like I said just do what is gonna make you happy or what makes your heart smile. SIGNED BY THA TRUTH
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2008): TellulahAhhhhh I see why you didnt like my reply, I appologize I didnt read the part about you dating a married guy sorry,,,,if I offended you now you say your husband now the one you homewrecked his marriage, his wife threw him out...so he had no other choice but to turn to you, his wife threw him out!!! good for her...She was probably fed up with the scumbag, I know that my husband has only had this affair, by the looks of the other woman a crack addict whore, he would never in a million years be caught in public holding her hand, if I threw him out, yeh I think he would go there too, he would not have anywhere else to go,,,his family, friends, were shocked when they found out what he did to me...they have lost all respect for him...oh and my children are almost adults too so he can leave anytime he wants to but he pleads with me he will treasure me and never even go to another woman again, he will make it up to me for the rest of his life....we are going to renew our vows , his idea...and shame on you, when you were married too, you must not be a happy person...you dont sound like an "evil cow" like you put it.......
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2008): TellalahMy husband had an affair, why, we were intimate I let him go off in his band, I pampered him like a king, I take good care of myself so much that Im 43 and people think my 13 year old daughter I are sisters Not Bad! well my hubby working with lowlifes got the idea that everyone experiments, got the idea that if the wife doesnt know, wont hurt her this is the mind set, that some men put into each other unfortunatly the male ego takes over and men try having sex with another women just for the sex thinking it is going to be out of this world experience....Now when a man tries to pursue these women, they tell them all sorts of sad things about their lives, if their lives are that sad the energy that took them to find a whore they should of taken the same energy to find a divorce lawyer and left the "EVIL COWS" as you so delicately put it...Well let me tell you when I found out the affair the "other woman" was so pleased and cooperative to let me in on every detail of my husband's intimacy with her, the gifts, the textmessages, later to think that after all this he would of left me.....Trust me he had much chances to go to her, he never wanted to he told me that he was actually relieved everything was found out...all the blackmailing her telling him that he was just using her, he didnt care for all the blah blah freakin words a woman says when she knows the man doesnt care for her....as for me I was ready to leave him, but after begging me and appologising saying she was just for sex, an experiment, mid-life crises, to the point where he told me to have an affair too, and call it even I guess for being mean and nasty this "EVIL COW" took him back because I knew what our lives were about we have been married for 18 years,was left alone almost every weekend taking care of kids, the household, and working a heavy nursing job, everyday,,,yeh,,,we were best friends my husband and I were each other's first in everything together for 22 years, you women who cheat with a married man have to realize a man that goes off to cheat sometimes is lost but not in his married life maybe in his male ego, self esteem, if it were in his married life no one would stay, or they if maybe found someone special would be more than glad to leave their wives if they are evil,,,I wasnt evil,, if anything I got backlashed from everyone for doing everything for my husband,I pampered him so Much! I loved him more than life itself...I could never be evil to anyone, but unfortunately you see what an affair does to a person, all good is draining out of me,,,, he went on the net and a desperate woman started talking shit what she could do for him she knew he was married, she didnt care she was what you call a WHORE I have married man at my job come on to me, married man, not for one second did I even think thatI would go off and have an affair, in my line of work, there are doctors, paramedics, firemen, I have been flirted with not once did I even think of infidelity, and sorry if this sounds I am pretty easy on the eyes, so I have had men look me up and down, but in my mind and heart it was my husband that I couldnt wait to get home to.....so dont for one minute think that most married men are sad with thier lives at home, unfortunatly for the whore who thinks she is getting the man doesnt, she will get him when the wife is ready to give him up and sometimes the wife doesnt want him anymore but oh well keeps him around just to keep him away.....I know a lot of women who do this keep their husbands until they find someone else, sad world, but does a woman who sleeps with a man with children to expect...She is a whore,,no ifs or buts...take it the way you like it I would never do this to another woman,,,,and like I said I have been approached bu many married man....you say NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! a LADY, a woman who has morals, not a desperate cow sitting on a couch filling her mouth with bonbons, waiting for the first loser to walk through the door to screw, and then screw up his life....
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A
female
reader, I will get through this! +, writes (19 February 2008):
Seriously--you need to leave him, been there done that, got the t-shirt. Trust me on this, the guy I have been with for all these years has had more illness's and his dad did die of cancer and I wanted to be there for him--yeah I was there for him while he was at the funeral with his wife and I couldn't go and be there to support him, it hurt! It hurts when you want to be there for the one you love but cant all you can do is say i'm sorry and give him that love and support when its convienient for him but not until then it will be you just wondering whats going on!! After this with his mother as sad as it is it will be something else, another reason he just can't leave but you know how he feels because he tells you and you feel it for that time you have with him but then guess what, he's going home and he's lying to his wife and he is sleeping in the same bed as her despite what he says. He's a lyer and he's no good for you, he will stay in this as long as you let him, I wish I had someone like I'm telling you prior to now. I'm going through hell and it does help to be on this site, trust me I cry myself to sleep every night and I hope hearing what I'm saying helps. I need help as well and will do what it takes to make it through so my kids can have their mother back 100%. This guy has allowed me to ruin myself--don't let it happen to you. You deserve so much better!!!
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A
female
reader, I will get through this! +, writes (18 February 2008):
Please--stay away, it's not worth the heart ache you will endure. Trust me I have been on this roller coaster for three years myself and it's just exhausting.
I must say what is helping me get through this is to see that other girls are in similar situations. I feel so nieve and completly empty inside as I'm sure you do too. Our situations are very similar and we should stay in touch and help each other stay away from him.
My story is I was married and never thought I would cheat on my husband, I wasn't exactly happy but I was getting by--I was married very young straight out of high school. I have four kids with him.
About three years ago, I ran into someone I went to high school with and he said we should get together for a drink sometime I knew my husband wouldn't go because he didn't like him in high school, wouldn't have wanted to go and would not have let me go so I decided why not, I knew he wasn't saying for his wife to go because she didn't like me in high school but we didn't mention anything about spouses and I honestly didn't think to much about it so we exchanged numbers and I met him after work for a drink and the rest is drama drama drama.
I talked to him every day afterwords and started seeing him more and more and then about three months later we decided to stay together for the night and it was all over after that. He took my heart. I too believed he loved me, I saw him once or twice a week, we talked a couple times during the day--he made me feel like I was the most beautiful girl in the whole world, we had a connection we both said had never experienced. The long talks we would have and it was just so natural not to mention how he made me feel when he made so called love to me and it wasn't the excitement for me because I didn't find it exciting, I just was completely in love with this man.
It didn't take too long before my husband found out, it was about four months into it and then my husband called his wife and my husband of seven years divorced me and he bounced back and forth and lied over and over that he was just going there to support his sons and it was over between him and his wife. Well this has gone on for all this time, I would get sick of it and tell him he had to leave and be with me or not but it would only last about a week and he would reel me back in, it was very hard for us to stay away from each other.
Well I found found out a couple weeks ago he bought a new house with his wife and of course wouldn't tell me, I lost it and called him that night (I never called him at night) well I did that night and the next morning I got a call from his wife and I couldn't hold anything back I told her everything, I told her it had never ended and that he was great at fooling me. Later that day, I received a voice mail from him telling me he was going to kill me if came near his kids or anybody. I haven't heard from him since!!
Does it hurt, hell yeah but I must get through this and learn from it. I'm going to counseling and it does help but it's still very hard.
I suggest you get out of it, don't walk--RUN!!!!!Be strong, we must learn to love ourselves and not settle to be loved at someone else's convienience. It's time for us to find someone to treat us like queen's on a full time basis!
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (18 February 2008):
Jaazmine, that was terribly harsh.
Why is it always the girls fault, would you have wanted your husband to stay with you and lived a lie. If he's had an affair, then good riddance but that doesnt make them a scum bag. Also how can you wreck a marriage that is clearly not working anyway. And its not this girl that is married its him, so if anyone is to blame it also him. But maybe he's just not happy, for all we know he could have a wife that's an evil cow. We dont know.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2008): You should get pregnant, he will leave his wife in a minute, you cannot imagine the pain you will cast on his family,,,,but they will somehow heal,,,because the lousy scumbag will be out of their lives and joining another scumbag like him,,,the two of you really deserve each other really you do. His wife deserves to be happy with a real man, she should be smart now so he can pay child support, and all the goodies that come with the ex-wives, get pregnant honey, you will get him then, and the two of you will live blissfully happily ever after....I wish my husband's lowlife mistress had gotten pregnant, he would of died just to show this low life skank to his folks.. I would of loved to be a fly on the wall if this ever happened....GOOD LUCK IN YOURS "BURN IN HELL RELATIONSHIP"was I a little hard....YOUR A HOMEWRECKER!!WHAT DO YOU EXPECT!
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2008): no one can tell you if hell leave or not only he knows that. Im in a similar situation for a yr. and a half,I too remain faithful do not be hard on yourself, in my case i didnt know he was married till later on by then i was in love already mine too states he will leave when the children are out of the house,,, i wait call me dumb i dont know? bottom line set a date thats what im gonna do set it and stick to it or try anyways haha gotta laugh good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2008): I'm sorry to hear about his mother but bear in mind that after June (which is presumably only an estimated date) there will be a bereavement period and he may then say that the children have lost their Grandmother and it would be upsetting for them to lose him as well etc etc .. He probably isn't in a fit state to make a big decision/life change right now if his mother is so ill. If he is serious about leaving, he should tell his wife about you and put a plan in place for leaving. You could explain to him that you don't mean to pressure him but that you would like to back off for a while and have a break. If he really wants to be with you and if you are the one he needs and wants, he will not be able to stay away from you, especially during this difficult period - he will need to be around you. It sounds harsh but this could be a 'wake up call' or 'reality check' for him. And actually if he really wanted to leave, he would still say to you that he was going to leave and make some real plans to prove it. Remember, it is his mother who is ill, not his wife's mother and his own mother does not need to know the details of his personal life so actually the only reason he could give for not leaving due to his mother's illness would be that he is emotionally upset and cannot cope with all the upheaval right now etc etc .. I've noticed though, that when people really want to be with someone, they will make sure it happens no matter what else is going on. Sorry if this is a bit rambly I hope it makes some sort of sense - I guess I'm just trying to think through it logically to disempower him to manipulate you so much. You could perhaps benefit from taking some advice from a professional relationship guidance expert to help you to take the right decision for you. I'm just wondering also how long his mother has been seriously ill. It sounds an awful thing to say about him but it looks like he has found the perfect excuse to delay things even further. He may not be al bad but he is weak and manipulative and knows how to lay on the charm when he is with you. Whatever happens I hope you resolve this for yourself and find happiness and inner peace instead of hurting. Take care x
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2008): My god that man is dispicable! The only reason he wants you to get pregnant is so that once you have the baby there will always be that tie to him then no matter what you say or do!! You only have his words that his wife got her tubes tied! Also I'm not wanting to sound cold hearted or bitchy here but he is after telling you time and time again he was leaving his wife for you - how do you know his mother is really sick??Personally if it was me I would bite the bullet and end the relatioinship, sell the business, move away and start afresh somewhere else. If not you will still be in the same position as you are now and no better off.
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A
female
reader, ciccina +, writes (15 February 2008):
ciccina is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe excuse now which breaks my heart his mother has cancer and she will probably only be around for a couple more months. Do I stay and support him or just end it! I'm sooo confused!!
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female
reader, ciccina +, writes (15 February 2008):
ciccina is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTellulah, I dont want to waste anymore time and if he desides to stay I will respect his decision. I just dont want to be that " girl" because that's not me at all. i believe in his heart he wants to leave but doesn't have the courage. We opened a morgage company together, bought a beautiful house that we renovated and were suppose to move in. The house is for sale but I run the company. He did alot to make me feel as though he was committed. He just can't do it. He wanted me to get pregnant because his wife tide her tubes without telling him and he wanted more kids. I told him no my child wont be your way out! He wants to get caught because he cant tell her himself! I wont be the one!
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (15 February 2008):
I just wanted to add.
Although I see the point of the wife being upset by finding out that her husband is having an affair (I was one of them once). I am glad that I found out, because if it hadnt been the girl that he went off with, it would have been another. Why would you want to stay with a man that clearly doesnt love you whether you are his wife or not. We have to take into concideration that if you are not happy in a relationship, you shouldnt be to scared to leave. You only get one life, why does anyone desrve to be unhappy.
My mother has treated my Father like crap for years, I will never know why he has stayed. I can only assume that it was for us kids. But I would have wanted them both to be happy and maybe they would have with other people.
Now what kind of a future do they have. Sitting in different rooms, never going away together. OK so it may have hurt my Mum if he had left, I know he wanted to at one point. But he stayed, and what kind of life do they have now.
Dont always blame the mistress, sometimes its also the wife. I know I had a fair part to play in my husband going off to find love elsewhere. I never made time for him, until it was too late.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2008): Give him a date closer than June, anything can happen in a short space of time but if he doesn't come up with the goods, break all ties completely and walk away from him. If he was going to leave his wife he would have done it by now instead of stringing you along with his web of lies.It's the age old story of married guys and their mistresses/bit on the side. They never leave their wife and the safety of their stable home life. Again, if it was the other way round and you were his wife - how would you be feeling right now??
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2008): H i answered just now but forgot to add, what about his wife? If she loves him and wants to make her marriage work and keep her family together, it will be devastating for her if he leaves. Ask yourself how you would feel in her shoes. It's a tricky situation all round for all parties involved. Good luck x
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2008): Really you have three options:
1. Ultimatum - Her or Me (& set a date/month) & make it clear if he chooses her
that he will lose you & not have access to you
2. Leave him and make a new life for yourself
3. Continue being miserable as you accept life being his lower priority and
continue 'hurting' as you describe.
Over the years I've known of lots of people who have affairs and in some cases, yes they have left their wives but in many cases, they haven't so it is always a gamble. It sounds as though this is already affecting you badly, which can't be good for your health emotional and physical. He may treat you like a Queen when he is with you but he is not treating you like a Queen overall as you are not his Number One priority. I feel for you because you obviously care for him and have been with him for a long time. You might benefit from discussing with a relationship expert?? I will say this as well (although obviously I don't know your boyfriend but still .. men who constantly come up with a litany of excuses do tend, in my experience, to be a bit weak and spineless! He sounds too weak to leave, irrespective of whether he would like to or not. Also he has been with this woman since he was a child so irrespective of whether he still loves her the same or not, there will be strong ties there one way or another and that, combined with him being weak/an excuse maker, means he will find it very difficult to leave her. Anyway, enough about him. What do you want and don't you think you are worth more than than this? You are young and could have a great future ahead with someone else. If this is upsetting you so much now, imagine what it will be like another 3 years down the line. If he won't tell his wife about you and leave, then you'd be better off leaving him. Make yourself less available to him as well. Hope you are ok.
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (15 February 2008):
Hi,
I dated a married man (and I am not proud of that by the way) he had been unhappy with his wife for many years. He cheated on her quite a few times, but she never knew. I was his mate for years before we finally got together. So I knew exactlly what I was getting. He promised me he would leave and be with me, and the months turned into a year, but because of the kids, he always made an excuse not to do it at that time. By the way the kids were almost adults.
In the end I had to make a desicion. I was either going to live my life as the other woman. You know ! on your own in all the holidays, never being able to make plans, and the worst, always scared you will be seen. Or to give an ultimatum, and stick to it. I decided I was to good to be someones bit on the side. So I gave two options! leave and be with me, or stay and I would except that and have no contact.
One night he left and ended up on my doorstep. We are still together now. I realise I am an unuasual case, but I thought that I would tell you anyway. Dont think in any way it was easy, we have been through hell and back with his ex and mine. But we are still together and happy.
I guess what I am trying to say, is you should give him a time and stick to it. Everyone makes mistakes, and you will be labelled a marraige wrecker and all the other insults I have had to deal with. But I look at it this way, if he wasnt un-happy it wouldnt have happened with you , would it?
Just dont let yourself get used honey.
XX
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A
female
reader, ciccina +, writes (15 February 2008):
ciccina is verified as being by the original poster of the questionActions speak louder than words!! I got married at 22 divorced within 2 years and i just feel manipulated and thats whats destroying me. I'm so loyal and loving and too trusting! Makes me want to be mean but its not in me
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female
reader, ciccina +, writes (15 February 2008):
ciccina is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for responding so quickly. This is killing me. I know he cares for me. He feels safe and secure with his wife shes a tool lives for him but doesnt even know the true him. He's always hid his true self from her because she judged him. I know he loves me but I dont think he has the strength to hurt his family. Right now his kids keep him busy with coaching and all that. Eventually they will have their own lives and he will be left with a women that he looks at as a sister. I need to stop being a coward and realize it is what it is! how do i get out?
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female
reader, red1982 +, writes (15 February 2008):
I know that I am going to sound really harsh, but what I really don't think that this man will ever leave his wife.
He has already shown you with his actions that he is not going to leave his wife - and it's his actions you need to look at not his words. There will always be a thousand excuses as to why he can't leave, it's too close to Christmas, it's one of his children's birthdays soon, his anniversary, wife's birthday, school isn't going well for the kids, they've just booked a holiday and many more.
You have already wasted three years of your life on this man. How many more are you going to throw down the pan?
I know that it will hurt you to walk away from him, but you will never be happy whilst you are dating him because you know deep down that he is not honest and you come second to his family.
You need to be really strong and stop this affair. Concentrate on getting you self esteem and self worth back and find someone who will make you his everything.
Take care of yourself
xxxx
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female
reader, Dhar +, writes (15 February 2008):
 You should definitely hang tight and wait until he divorces his wife and leaves his children and comes to marry you. I mean, his integrity and honesty alone make him a keeper. Um... what if he leaves his wife right now? What makes you think he'll be any more honest with you? Why do you think people cheat? Insecurity. Self doubt - they need constant validation. Sex addiction - another form of validation. A sick form. Ask yourself, seriously, why people cheat. Don't think this man is only cheating because of you. He's probably done it before. If there's problems in the marriage take steps to 1. fix them or 2. leave. Cheating is lowly, cowardly and filthy. And for a minute think about the other woman. Imagining the humiliation, the betrayal, and the pain she's felt and is going to feel should make you stay far far away. Find an honest man with a whole heart. Then you'll know how it feels to be treated like a queen. IMHO
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