A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey everyone! I'm unofficially seeing this man. And it's the "unofficial" stamp that prevents me from telling my friends about it, so that's why Im on here instead of asking them for advice. The man I am dating is an insecure one. He has little confidence and was certain no woman would want him, until I came along. I don't want to be the fixer-upper who makes him feel great about himself only to have him ditch me for someone better (that's happened before), but then again I care for him and knows he cares for me too. I'd like for him to feel more confident, and if he starts to believe in himself more, and if our feelings develop further for each other, then maybe there could be something amazing ahead of us. Alternatively we drift apart. I am working on giving him positive feedback and encouraging him to move outside of his comfort zone, and he's determined to work on himself as well. Example: I will tell him how sexy he looks shirtless, but instead of accepting the complement he says that he's still working at building up muscles and plan to look better. He says it in such a tone that tells me he isn't satisfied with the way he looks, and I don't know if my compliments to him sink in or not. But the positive thing is that he is working out to improve his self image, and he's taking steps to get to where he wants to be in life. He's being very supportive of me and the things I want to do in life, helps me relax when Im stressed out, he treats me like a princess. But then again his insecurities show when he does things for me almost as a return of the favor, doing things to "make up for" me being nice to him. Example: I tell him how nice he is to me an how grateful I am for something he's done for me, and he responds that of course he must be nice to me since I am so nice to him. He thinks I am treating him better than he deserves, am I too patient, too kind. He thinks he isn't good enough to be my boyfriend. He compliments me a lot and treats me like a princess, I've never been so pampered before. He'll drive me around to places, get up in the middle of night to talk to me if I've had a nightmare, he hates talking on the phone but can talk to me for hours, sends me cute good night texts, takes care of me when Im sick (he'll buy food and pain killers and keep me company). He doesn't invite himself in to my place because he doesn't want to seem pushy or needy (so he says). If I ask to meet up he always suggest going out, he never suggests sleeping over, yet he never turns it down when I ask if he'll sleep over (unless he's busy of course). One time I invited him over for the night he didn't even bring his toothbrush with him inside, but left it in the car, because he was so worried he'd seem pushy or "intruding". I asked him if he wanted to keep a toothbrush at my place, and he looked at me concerned and asked if that wouldn't be a bother for me, if I'd really think that was ok? I convinced him I was fine with it, and he has his toothbrush here now.Even though he's offered to pay for contraception, at the beginning he was too nervous to bring the condoms with him when visiting me, in case I thought all he wanted was sex. By the way, the sex is amazing. He's all skittish and nervous with clothes on, but once we've got it going he relaxes and takes charge. He's also gotten comfortable about bringing condoms with him now. He does say he trusts me though, so I don't know what he's so scared of? Scared of being rejected? Scared I will reveal some "secret" about not really liking him after all? He says I make him feel things he's never felt before, and that it is good, but he's not used to it. Things are progressing slowly, so should I keep it up the way I am? He's worried he will hurt me (because he says he can't be a good boyfriend and worries he isn't treating me as well as I should be, even though he pampers me). Aside from not actually being my boyfriend he's the perfect boyfriend, which is the irony of it all. ps. we are exclusive, he tells me I can date other men as long as it doesn't get serious, but he doesn't want to date anyone else.
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female
reader, chocoholicforever  +, writes (3 November 2011):
I think that at the root of it all is he's afraid of rejection because it threatens his low self esteem. Everything he does revolves around trying to protect his fragile sense of self and what little self esteem he has against a perceived possibility of rejection from you because that would be an unbearable blow to him. hence he is giving you the go ahead to see other people thus making this relationship unofficial - because it's 'better' that you do this on his terms than for it to happen out of his control which he's afraid it might.
I think you're doing the right thing of giving him lots of positive feedback and encouragement. That can help to some degree. It certainly is not hurting. But I think you should also be careful that you don't try to make it your mission to "fix" him and "cure" him of his low self esteem because that's beyond the scope of any one person. Do continue to give him lots of positive feedback, but don't have big expectations that it should pay off in the sense of seeing the changes in him you're hoping to see, in a time frame that you might want. It may happen that his confidence will increase but it could take a long time (like, years) and it factors in lots of other things besides just your relationship. In the meantime, I think you should try to align your attitude to this relationship in a way that you can enjoy the relationship and his company the way things are now and be comfortable with him NOT changing any time soon.
This may be difficult because he lives with a lot of anxiety due to his low confidence, and depending on how bad it is anxiety can drive people to behave in irrational ways that hurt the people they are with. So be careful in the sense of being prepared for him to behave in irrational ways at times which don't conform to societal "norms" for how people should behave in intimate relationships.
Ultimately, confidence has to come from within himself as a result of him accumulating positive experiences, assimilating them, and replacing his negative thought patterns with newer positive ones. If low self esteem has been a chronic problem for him, then it may take a very long time for him to change the way he thinks about himself and maybe he might do well to see a counselor for help if it's holding back his life (such as by keeping a promising relationship at the "unofficial" stage indefinitely...)...You can only do so much to encourage his confidence. So do continue to encourage him but realize that it may have limited effect even though it's still better than nothing.
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (2 November 2011):
 I have had my share of extreme shyness myself, but I never met anyone who hides he is with someone - except when there is an angry husband or an angry "other woman". I don't know if there is another person, but that is what I would be concerned about. His lacking confidence is just how he is.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2011): Is it just a matter of being unofficial that makes the situation weird? Isn't being unofficial what you mainly do before you decide if you should go for a relationship with the person or not?
His friends know about me. It's me who try to hide this from my friends mainly, since it's not official and I don't like to announce him as my "could be boyfriend but who knows". I don't like people sticking their nose in my business when things are undecided. Nor would I like to be judged because I am involved with a man without being official. He appears comfortable with people knowing we date and see each other though... I have no idea why, don't ask me, I don't understand him as well as I wish I did, haha! Which is why I am not eager to jump into making it official either, I still feel I need to get to know him better and see where this goes.
But what you're saying then is, I can't help him build his confidence because that'd be me expecting him to change and he never will? I know confidence comes from the inside, but when someone from the outside can break your confidence... wouldn't it also be possible to support building up confidence?
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (2 November 2011):
Tisha is right.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (2 November 2011):
 If he keeps a toothbrush at your place, you two are having sex and he spends time with you, he's not seeing anyone else, then why is there an 'unofficial' label on the relationship still? If he's keeping you secret, then there's a high probability he's not fully invested in the relationship. I'd keep more of a distance between you and keep your options open, don't ignore other men. He's basically said, go ahead and date other men, generally that's a sign that he doesn't care enough to try to keep you to himself. Something's weird about that. Combine that with his lack of confidence, um, I think the guy has some issues.
One thing I've observed about negative thinkers, which is what he sounds like, is that you can't 'fix' them. No amount of positive reinforcement from you is going to make him into a self-confident optimist. He is how he's going to be. That old saying: "A man marries a woman thinking she'll never change, and a woman marries a man thinking she can change him" comes to mind. Don't think you can change him.
Proceed with caution.
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