A
female
age
36-40,
*ammye17
writes:I need advice. I am 27 years old my BF is the Same Age. We have been in this relationship 3 years total and 1 1/2 year living together. We found our recently that we are expecting our first baby. It wasn't planned but we feel blessed and happy. Through out the entire relationship he has shown me he loves me. He puts me first in his life, he respects me and treats me with allot of love. The problem is Marriage. I asked him about marriage and now that i am having a baby i asked him again and he tells me this"Marriage will come eventually but when we are read" he says that it' not in him yet and he doesn't want to do it obligated. He tells me he's commited but marriage is something really serious and he doesn't take lightly. I feel as if he doesn't love me as much to marry me. I do feel pressured at times by my family and i feel good to be with him but i am hurt and bothered. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2015): How important is being married to you?If it is very important, you need to have a discussion about timelines with your boyfriend. This is not about the pregnancy, but will you be happy if you are still only co-habitants with him when you are 30, or 35, or 40? I agree that getting married just because you got pregnant is probably a bad idea in general. Why make one life-changing mistake into two life-changing mistakes? However, if you are both committed to each other, and want to be together no matter if you were pregnant or not, why not talk about the inevitable future? There is nothing wrong with a long engagement either.I think you need to let him know what your personal timeline is for marriage, if that is what you ultimatly want. When you are "ready" is too vague. Tell him your expectation and then don't bring it up again. If he does not propose by then, you can do so. If he refuses, it is time to move on to find the man that wants to be your husband after all. Oh, and congratulations!
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (15 May 2015):
 I have to agree, the guy is not quite ready for what he think is the biggest commitment in life, marriage. (though having kids is a FAR bigger one IMHO) And I think that he is being honest, he doesn't WANT to get married because you two got a surprise pregnancy.
Basically, he doesn't want a shotgun wedding and I don't blame him.
I would however AS the woman and mother, give the CHILD my own last name (which can be changed AFTER the wedding)- because biologically the child is his yes, but.. without a marriage the RESPONSIBILITY for the MOST part/MOST cases falls on the woman.
Don't let the family pressure you and then YOU in turn pressure him. IT will only make it a harder choice for him.
I DO believe marriage comes before kids. But today, SO many people have kids with their SO, some marry, some don't.
Trying to "force" him will only make him want to NOT do it. You have been with him happily for 3 years, so what is the hurry? (in his mind) The only difference is now you are having a baby too, to him that is NO big difference ( though he WILL find out just HOW big of a difference a baby really is soon enough). To a woman? HUGE difference.
My brother and sister in law have been together for well OVER 20 years, before they got married. They ACTUALLY got married at their kids request and because they felt is was a good way to SECURE each other legally and financially ( a spouse gets treated differently than a GF legally). But not getting married was a choice they were both OK with, and then getting married was also a choice they were both OK with.
I think YOU are presuming that because he isn't ready for you, he is unsure. That may not BE the issue. I think NOT being ready is the "issue" and THAT can't be forced.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (15 May 2015):
 I think Janniepeg is right. That he loves you like crazy here and now and that you are having great times together, does not make him sure that it will always be the same. So he is hesitating.
And , won't it be the same in , say, 5 years time ? Like, you'll be happy together at 32 but he does not know if you can still be happy at 42 ? Well, yes. There's no way to see the future, things happen, - I know people that got divorced after 38 years of marriage . That's actually the excuse ( or the reason, according to the points of view ) some people use to never get married. That you never know what's around the corner, so...
The thing is, at some point most people decide for a leap of faith. A sort of safe bet, in a way. One says, OK, based on what I can reasonably see and know, THAT is the best fit I could and will find, and I DECIDE to TRUST it will be forever. Then , que sera sera.
I guess your bf is not at this stage yet . And, in a way, he is not wrong, 3 years aren't that many - most couples are happy and going strong after only 3 years, it's still the honeymoon stage, or barely out of it.
Not that people should stay engaged 10 or 20 years to get married :). Not even that will give you a lifetime guarantee, although reduces the risks of failure. But at some point people ( some at least ) is ready for something more and different than just " love " - something that will last even when lust should fade, or the feeling of being in love should fade, etc. : the vision of a shared , common future. Of building something together. As unromantic as it sounds, it's more like decididng to found a business co, togethere and committing to make it last.
He's not at that point yet. Too bad - personally I really feel that first one should reach that stage, THEN add children to the mix. But, hey, many many people do just the opposite nowadays, and for many of them things still work out fine. So I guess there are always differents ways to end up in Rome.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (15 May 2015):
 Marriage is committment. Having a child is by far a larger committment than marriage. So why he feels ready to have a kid, but not committ to you? Have no idea, other than he worries that you will divorce him and take his money.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (15 May 2015):
 I just heard from coworkers who are saying people who get married just because of kids get divorced eventually, and that is, everyone they know. Maybe your boyfriend wants to avoid that curse. In a sense it's not a curse when people are not really compatible with each other, and they marry just so they won't feel like their children are illegitimate. And common law sounds so ghetto.
Marriage means together forever and many people feel pressured by it. Men are more likely to live moment by moment. If times are good they say to themselves they would give a few more years to this woman, then see if it's still good later. They don't think, it has to be forever just because now is good. Having a baby doesn't change their thinking either. Women on the other hand can only feel secure if the man offers the forever commitment.
Love and being cautious can be different things and it doesn't have to be mutually exclusive. You can only express how vulnerable you are, but that won't force him to propose if he doesn't feel ready. The only thing you can do is not let this get to you, create insecurities and arguments.
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