A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Ok, I've got a date next week with a mate. A double date. Well, he's bringing his girlfriend and someone for me. Thing is, I'm 20, never had a girlfriend, I'm a virgin with no experience in any sexual act, not even kissing, and I've been on one date in my life. I don't have a bloody clue. I can just picture myself not saying anything, and getting embarrased as I always do around pretty girls (and she is pretty).I feel like I'm going to mess this up. I dont know how to talk to woman, I'm hopeless. Please, can anyone give some advice on how to handle this. I know I just need to calm down, its only a date, but its big for me. Thanks
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2009): As I see it, the key phrase in your post is 'I don't know how to talk to women'. This would go a long way to explain why you feel so terrified. You do, without doubt, know how to talk to women. You must have talked to dozens, hundreds, or thousands of them before, whether they were family, schoolteachers, shop workers, whatever.
They're not aliens (though I don't doubt they seem inimidating to any sexually inexperienced 20-year-old, as I was once.) They're human beings like you, just with a different physiology. There are also subtle but definite differences between their psychologies and that of males: they are more intuitive and tend to pick up more easily on people's feelings, which may be where you're falling into a vicious circle.
It probably goes something like 'I've never been with a woman - therefore no woman wants me - therefore no woman will ever want me - therefore there's no point even talking to her'. So, when you're confronted with a female you think is attractive, you will be unconsciously giving off all sorts of signals that betray your lack of confidence: as if you think you're worthless, not even entitled to talk to her as a normal person. In that situation, even a girl who finds you attractive will interpret your body language as meaning 'Please leave me alone!'
The trick - not a magic secret, just basic human sense - is to treat any girl you're talking to as a potential friend, whose conversation and company is to be enjoyed, who may be worth getting to know, and NOT to instantly view her as a romantic or sexual prospect.
Very few males have the mysterious 'X-Factor' that makes most women instinctively react to them as prospective romantic/sexual partners (those that do are invariably very good-looking and usually rich, and there's absolutely no doubt they have a disturbing monopoly on the sort of desirable women you're probably accustomed to seeing in movies and magazines, but that's another story.)
More usually, attraction is something that dawns on women gradually, because they enjoy a guy's company or the way he talks, or his sense of humour or the way his eyes react to convey his reactions to situations...it's an endless list. You sound like a reasonably lively, interesting bloke from your post: if you weren't, you'd have no male pals.
I'm going on a bit here...what I'm saying is, look forward to this date as being a fun night out rather than a visit to the dentist, do NOT 'expect' anything romantic/sexual to happen (at least until it looks very likely), approach the girl without fear and with full confidence in your own inner self, and you never know what could happen.
Anyway, I've a hunch - both from my own experience and that of my male peers - that whatever the surveys say, the average guy loses his virginity at age 20 if not older. It took me what seemed to be a lifetime, and I'm glad to say I haven't done too badly since.
You'll get there. May the road rise with you (old Irish saying)
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