A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been dating this guy for the last few weeks. He fawns over me, is the harmless geeky sort, does everything for me like buy me flowers and get me coffee and text me constantly. He hit on me first and I was surprised he was so enthusiastic. I'm not even sure if I want a boyfriend right now or I would prefer to be single but he is nice...However, I just went out with him for a drink and we were opening up to each other. He randomly confessed to me (while rubbing my knee) that "Desi (south Asian) girls are my type," it really creeped me out. He then went on a little about how he "could do with" a south Asian girl. I'm south Asian btw and he is white.I changed the subject but I feel so uncomfortable lol, he is nice otherwise but I'm creeped out by the fact he is with me partly bc I'm south Asian. I don't want to confront him with "Are you just dating me because you seem to have a south Asian fetish?" but at the same time I don't even know if I want a boyfriend right now. We do really click but I feel grossed out dating a guy who has a south Asian fetish maybe because of some porn he's been watching or something. It's like he doesn't like me for me..What should I do? I wasn't sure how to bring up the topic after that so have been talking to him like normal.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (3 March 2017):
 If it makes you feel uncomfortable then you should just end it. Personally I doubt he meant any harm by this. But you where there and saw his body language if eh appeared to be creepy and made you feel uncomfortable then I wouldn't bother seeing him again.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2017): hmmmmmm..... he might just genuinely have a preference for asian girls and it has nothing to do with fetishising or even romantasising the idea of being with one. His preference could be as superficial as someone liking blonde hair, curly hair, short women.
Also take into consideration if he doesn't have much experience dating desi girls sex is definitely something he has fantasised about in the same way he has fantasised about sleeping with Kim K...
I'm black and have felt similarly when dating a non black guy but honestly it's not that deep.
He may be a creep though. You'll soon find out.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2017): Its probably best to dump him as he is creeping you out ,being over familiar too early and sexually objectifying you.
It doesnt bode well to start a relationship based on stereotypical imagery.
Anyway you should know by now that once you get that creeped out feeling its time to move on because from that moment on you are fighting your instincts and your instincts are yelling "NOooooo.."!
If he were on special offer in a supermarket aisle you would still want to avoid him!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2017): Yeah I agree that it does sound a little creepy. Yes people have looks they prefer, but the way he blurted it out certainly did not express it delicately or in a flattering way. It sounds like he thought it was a compliment, but I would be uncomfortable (like you). It almost sounds like a pick-up line, not something you would say to a girl you would want to be in a real relationship with.You say: "He then went on a little about how he "could do with" a south Asian girl"Did you mean he went on about *what* he could do with a SA girl? As in sexually? If so that is quite creepy and yes it does seem that he has a fetish. I would feel like you, very unsure about going further. If you do keep talking I would take things veeeeery slowly, so that you can get to know him and maybe understand if this was just an awkward slip of the tongue, or if that is his true character (creepy).
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2017): I would feel the same as you would in the same situation. I am of mixed-heritage and have features from both sides. It has been my experience that people embarrass me by trying to guess my ethnicity; and have used the term "exotic"; which can feel more of an insult than any form of a compliment. I have a medium-complexion, black wavy hair, and brown eyes; so I can blend into several different racial categories. Their guesses are usually off by a long shot!
The sad part is, they don't know it's inappropriate!
Yes, I have been told also by white gay men; that they prefer guys like me over darker or lighter races. Not even knowing for sure what race I am. I don't like being categorized or objectified into a racial-fetish for some creep who sees my features as a "preference" like choosing a "flavor." It gives me the heevie-jeevies when I cover this topic. As you do, I find it quite offensive.
You might want to educate him about saying things like that out-loud, first and foremost. Let him know, were it not for what he said; he might have had a chance.
If he doesn't know that it really isn't a compliment, he is insensitive and ignorant. I can only speculate that his only reason for being nice, is to seduce you at some point. "You catch more bees with honey than vinegar," as the saying goes. I'm afraid he has mixed the two. With way too much vinegar!
You deserve respect and your dignity rises above his "taste" for south Asian women; as if you're being selected from a table of samples. Placing himself in the superior-position of being the chooser, and he should be revered for making you his choice. Makes me gag!
If it creeps you out, go with that feeling and just let this guy go. Often this mindset sees you less than an equal and more of something he uses to please his sexual-appetite. While you simply like him for who he is; not for the color of his skin, or his ethnic-features.
It feels so much better knowing someone is attracted to you for everything about you, not for some particular reason. Your race being of no importance.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (26 February 2017):
 I would really feel like a piece of meat with this guy. I understand that WE all have preferences when it comes to attraction. But saying that ONLY south Asian are his preference makes me think definitely fetish. Because let's face it, you can find attractive Asian women ALL over.
It's like saying you only want Norwegian men. Now I have met quite a few VERY tall blond and handsome Norwegian guy, but I have also met Russian, Danish, Swedish, English tall, blond - however, if I said I ONLY wanted to date Norwegian dudes, it would be more of a kink than just a preference (if language was irrelevant).
If he grosses you out over this, then end it. Would I tell him why? Honestly? Yes. But I would also stick to MY own standard. I wouldn't want someone to want to date me for some fantasy ideal woman or fetish. That would make me feel like a "thing" or object rather than a person.
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