A
female
age
41-50,
*sthisit?!
writes:Here is my situation...I have been living with my bf for 3 months now and we have been dating for 8 months. I am unemployed and spend alot of time at home and have no motivation to go out and find a job in my field. I do have my own money so he hasn't been paying my rent, food, or any other expenses. He is still married even though she lives 3000 miles away and they have been seperated for over 1.5 years (or thats what he says) but they do still talk and they file their taxes together. She cheated on him and he says there is no way they will ever get back together. This bothers me, I did know going into this relationship that he is married so he's been honested about that.I also don't feel like hes attracted to me, I kind of feel like he is used to being with someone and just doesn't want to be alone. Our sex life is ok but we can sometimes have good sex its just seldom:( He watches porn and I truly believe he would rather watch porn and masterbate than have sex with me!!! He used to watch porn on my laptop until I told him that it made me feel insecure and he should be fantasizing about me and not some pornstar, when and if he masturbates! So now we have a no porn, no masturbation rule in or relationship. The other day before I had a job interview, we hadn't had sex in 2 weeks, I was tense and was going to masturbate to loosen up but I thought about "our" rule and refrained. he got home about ten minutes later while I was doing yoga inplace of my orgasmic relief. I told him I was about to masturbate but wanted to respect him and didn't do it... he got really upset and said that I should have waited knowing that he would be coming home from work soon. It turned into a fight and I got the silent treatment. So, coincidently I was flying out the following morning for an over night trip. I get back in the next night, we both had missed each other and made amends. I go to get on my laptop (which I had left with him) and hes all "I did watch some porn on there and deleted the history but I mainly did that because I was shopping for your birthday and pop ups kept coming up and I didn't want it to ruin your surprise" he told me he had been shopping on craigslist, craigslist doesnt' have popups! And please I come back to a completely clean computer and he uses my bday as his reasoning... I was gone over night and now I don't trust him at all!!! He always checks out other women when Im with him, he doesn't tell me how attractive I am or that Im even pretty.. ever! I guess that Im just not accustom to this and he is sweet in other ways, he cooks for me and brings me coffee in bed. I am scared to leave him because I don't want to move again and I would have to buy a flight out of here because neither of us has a support group here and breaking up would be too hard near him.So I guess my question is, what the heck should I do? He also accuses me of picking up on other guys when I simply talk to them. I had an old man hitting on me on the bus, trying to give me his number and I told my bf about it, I was laughing. My bf actually got serious and asked me what I had done to make him think I wanted his number?!! wtf! I don't know, Ive never felt trapped before and like I said Im not happy with myself right now but feel that the double standards in my relationship are making me more insecure and confused about myself.. oh Im 28 and my clock recently started ticking too..what should I do???
View related questions:
get back together, insecure, money, orgasm, porn, sex life, trapped Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (14 June 2010):
 What a dilema! i think the 'porn issue' is a red herring for a real problem in the overall relationship. all men treat themselves to some porn from time to time. when we get caught we are(justifiably in my mind) outraged at the intrusion into our personal life. But that being the casem it sounds like your long distant and unrequited love/hate relationship AND him being married makes the only answer (to me) is a long time apart(say 6 months or more) then re-evaluate if need be. But the porn part of this issue is lame.
A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (12 June 2010):
 It sounds like neither of you are in the right place for a relationship at the moment - he is still married and rushed into a serious relationship with you, and you cant even stand on your own 2 feet with no job, no friends...basically no life apart from him. Of course you are going to row lots and not trust each other if you are living in each other's pockets, where you have nothing better to do than stay at home feeling sorry for yourself. You will never have any self esteem or feel happy if you have not got a life of your own - you are trapped in this cycle and there is only 1 way out.
Lets just go through this one step at a time:
1. You started a relationship with a married man who is not going through divorce proceedings - therefore he is not available hence he can never give you what you want.
2. You moved in together after 5 months - this is when you are still meant to be dating, getting excited about the next time you see each other etc...not doing his dirty laundry and turning all domestic on each other. The relationship has moved way too fast, you barely knew each other when you moved in and now you are finding out you are not that compatible, which is inevitable when you rush into something without taking the time to really get to know each other.
3. You have no life of your own. This is the main problem in all of this. I am a big believer in this saying "how can you expect anyone to make you happy when you are not happy with yourself?" So basically no relationship will make you happy until you get your life sorted out. You need a job, hobbies, friends, family, interests and passions in life before you can even begin to think about a relationship. At the moment you bring nothing to this relationship - you wont have anything to talk about because you have no job, by the sounds of things no friends...is it any wonder he looks at other women when he has this woman at home who has lost all idea of who she is? Confidence is what makes a woman sexy, men want a happy, fun to be around, interesting women who enjoy life. At the moment you are just an empty shell of a person and you are not going to be sexy to him because you dont do anything, you are just a body to keep him company. You dont offer anything in this relationship therefore the attraction is just not going to be there anymore - would you really be attracted to an unemployed, unmotivated, miserable man? I know this sounds harsh but I think you need to realise you are not an "attractive" woman at the moment because of your mind-set, it is not about the way you look (although I cant imagine you make much of an effort with your appearance if you cant even be bothered to look for a job) it is more about your self esteem and confidence.
I think you already know this relationship is not working and you need to get out - I mean your profile name is "isthisit"! That is a clear sign you thought there would be more to life than what you have now, you have said yourself you feel trapped and you are clearly not happy. The only good thing you have said about him is that he brings you a coffee in bed - is he really worth staying with because he brings you a drink in bed?!
Yes I can understand being 28 you dont want to give up on the relationship because you will feel you have wasted time and the pressure on women with the old biological clock is huge. But if you stay any longer you are only wasting more time, and wasting a chance to be truly happy.
You need some time alone to sort your life out - I think 6 months of being single will get you back on track. Get a job, re-discover some of the things you used to love doing like old hobbies or anything like that, re-connect with old friends, spend more time with family - basically fill your life with things you love and that make you happy. Go out and celebrate when you get a new job - buy yourself some new clothes, some new make-up etc. Get a new hairstyle - this can do wonders for your confidence! Have a fresh start, go wherever it is you need to go to start again and re-build your life.
I know it seems scary and I bet at the moment despite feeling trapped you still feel comforted by the familar that your boyfriend provides. But in reality - you dont even have him. He is still married and clearly not making any effort to become legally separated. You have no future with this man - you cannot get married, and bringing children into a world where their daddy is married to another woman is a terrible idea and I'm sure you know that. So staying with this man is only going to set you back even further - you are throwing away the best years of your life with a man that cannot give you what you want!
I think you are here asking this question because you actually know you need to leave him, but you just needed to hear someone else confirm this opinion. So here I am - and I really do think you will only be happy if you end this relationship.
You can only be truly happy in a relationship once you have learnt to be alone, a relationship should not be what you need to make you happy - you should already be happy with your own life and then a man comes along and makes life just that tiny bit better, like the icing on a cake. So end the relationship, sort your life out, learn to be happy alone and then finally will you attract the right sort of man and find the relationship you are looking for. But this man is not right, and neither is this relationship. And I think you know it.
I hope this helps and good luck!
...............................
|
