A
male
age
41-50,
*allTrees
writes:Hello, Please could someone help give me some good advice, I don't know what else to do....I am currently in a 10 year relationship and we have 3 young children and the kids are our worlds and we do love each other, but I am deeply disappointed in my partners behaviour......We originally met via a dating page and we instantly hit it off and quickly got serious about each other. About a month into the relationship we had the talk about previous sex partners and if any of us had ever had STD's etc. She brought up the conversation and went first and said I was her 5th lover. 2 where serious boyfriends and the non serious was a immature lad who basically played her when she was 15 and the other man was a one night stand after a works party. I then told her that she was my first and she was surprised because I "Knew what I was doing, in the bedroom". She then went on to say that she hadn't had sex with anyone for the past 4 years. I thought this was a lie but not seeing any lies before I went along with it. About 6 months into the relationship, we decided to move in together so we started to look around local houses (She didn't want to stay in her current house because it reminded her of her 2nd ex). Before we moved in together I had a talk with her and disclosed that I had a bad childhood and my father frequently beat on me and my mother for 16 years and the only reason I was given as to why this was happening to me was that my father was jealous because his wife (My Mother) had one boyfriend before she met him.... He ruled us with an iron fist and always promoted sex as a vulgar act and if a woman showed cleavage etc, she was a slag and a whore yadda yadda yadda..... I never subscribed to his views but knowing if I brought girls back home, he would chastise them as slags for wanting pre-marrital sex with me, hence why I was a virgin in my mid 20's Moving in with my new partner was a big thing for me because I wanted to do it right and not have any unpleasant surprises jump out and ruin things. I disclosed everything to her and she claimed she did the same for me because she was also wanting an open honest relationship. I asked if there was anything else I needed to know about her past just so it wouldn't ruin anything later on (build on secure foundations as it where).... She again said that there was absolutely nothing else and the "Only reason I am finding it hard to believe her is because of what my father did to me as a child". I believed her and we moved in together and life was fantastic! We went to one of her friends parties one evening and a work friend of hers asked her if I was the "new bloke", She replied yes and this work friend quickly replied "I bet I could tell him a few stories about you" I heard this and my partner very quickly snapped "Well you needen bother!" the way it was said seemed very sexual in nature and my partner wanted that closed asap. I later asked what she meant and she said it was nothing, "just an accident at work that she didn't want me to know about". A few weeks later we went out to the cinema and afterwards we walked home and got caught in the rain, We ended up getting home and taking our clothes off and having sex.... Halfway through she started to cry and I originally thought I hurt her somehow and asked her what was wrong. She then burst into tears and said that she was lying to me and there was another two men that I did not know about. I asked her to talk about it and she said that one man was a player she met just before meeting me again from the same dating site. She slept with him after only knowing him a hour and then they did the same on the 2nd date and on the 3rd date he dumped her. The other guy was the worst tho... The other guy was a old work friend. She bumped into him years after they worked together and he asked her for her number. They where texting and he said to her that he thought she "wasn't worth dating, but he always fantasised about f###ing her" For god knows why she was turned on by this and decided to drive to his house for sex. He told her she could only go and have sex with him between the hours of 9pm till 10pm on a Thursday night.... Turns out that he currently had a partner and wanted to cheat on her with my now partner. My partner was his bit on the side for 7 more weeks, each time, driving to his house for sex while his girlfriend was out at a dance class. I really did not like what I heard but I realised that it was her body and her choice.... What killed me tho was she openly used my shitty childhood against me to make me trust her more so I would move in with her. We ended up breaking up after lots of talks and I moved out. I had to return back to my folks with a hell of a lot of "Told you so's" from my family, especially my father! A few weeks later we got back together and I moved back in and again we had the "Do I now know everything, no one else.... No STD's) talk... Again No! you can trust me now. All was fine for 2 years but one day she told me that the weekend she met me, she had her first love in her bed.... She had a big 30th birthday bash and for some reason she had to place him in her bed for the weekend. But NOTHING Happened! Only Friends etc.Shortly after I found this out a condom broke during sex. I suggested maybe the day after pill, but she said that it was very highly un-likely due to the time of the month. I just went along with her decision.A few weeks later she secretly did a pregnancy test and it was positive. She told me and I always wanted to be a father so I was very pleased and showed my full support. I still disliked the idea of the last two blokes she had sex with but I decided to put it all behind me and never bring it back up again. Especially now a baby is involved. We had our first baby appointment at the Doctors set and one day she came home from work and said "Ah, today I got to work and totally forgot that today was our first babies appointment. I left work but didn't have the spare time to come and get you so I went on without you"...I was really hurt by this because I really wanted to be there, I will never again get to go to my first child's first appointment and she knew how much it meant to me. She said it was just a mistake and she was sorry. My family again was whispering in my ear that She did it on purpose because she has had a kid in the past or an abortion or had STD's etc" you can imagine....Well I ignored my family and believed my partner altho I secretly did think these things myself, (She never forgets dates, especially medical ones).... So again, I looked past it and buried it and focused all my attentions on becoming a good dad. A year later and my partner fell pregnant again with our 2nd. One day she asked me to log into one of those Top cash back sites to go and buy something she needed on ebay while I was on the P.C. I asked her what her password was and she told me. The second she told me her face dropped like she knew she messed up.For the rest of the evening she was acting super weird and later that night we went to bed.Normally she is asleep the second her head hits the pillow but this night she was staying awake.... Obviously my mind was running a mile a minute and my only thought was she gave me her same password to Facebook and on there she may be in contact with a previous ex or some other guy... So I was laying there thinking is this new child even mine ? Is it possible that she could do that to me ?About 2am I faked snoring and she carefully sneaked out of our bed (Heavily pregnant) and crept downstairs in the dark and went into the front living room to put the PC on. I knew she would have been changing her password.For some reason just laid there and let her go ahead with her plan. about 30 mins later, she crept back into our bed. The next day it was eating me up inside and I put in her details on Facebook and a message came up saying "You replaced this password 12 hrs ago at 2am". I confronted my partner and said that I just tried logging into her Facebook due to yesterdays weirdness and she casually replied "Ah, I changed that password months ago", I then showed her the 12hr ago message proving her a liar. She then changed her tone and then turned the tables on me saying I am the one to blame and I am now a controlling partner like my father was to my mother. (I have never once been controlling, she just knows this was a button she could push to make me doubt myself and change the conversation). So that situation was just left unanswered and I was just left to wonder why the dramatic act of sneaking around in the dark heavily pregnant ? So fast forward to our 10th year together and all the past crap, I buried and never mentioned. Again all was fine and we even moved to a new area and started a much better life together. Then all of a sudden the sex started to drop, she was hardly ever in the mood and would make up the headache excuse every few nights. I tried to spice things up between us and we ended up looking online. We bought a few new toys, basic stuff every couple do. We got talking about fantasies and I said that I quite like a bit of light S and M (spanking etc) and I asked her if she had any fantasies that she would like to act upon. She replied that she fantasises about watching a real couple have sex in front of us and in turn, they watch us after.... I then said "I doubt people would just watch and not want to join in", she then replied "Yeah, that would be a natural progression!" I didn't know what to think, Was she saying she wanted to sleep with other guys ?We talked about it some more, but I told her that I only wanted a monogamous relationship. So finding out that sex between us was dipping and now she is fantasising about group sex, I felt a bit inadequate and was wondering if I was doing anything wrong ? She was adamant that everything was o.k and it was only a fantasy. This played on my mind for a bit and I wondered if she had group sex in the past (she once asked me if I ever had a threesome when we first got together, But in a way to suggest that she had. Once I said no, she changed her tone and said no also). This ended up re-digging all the old skeletons in her closet that I previously buried and again, I asked if there was anything else new that she is keeping from me. She then said that there was nothing else, but the reason she went to our first child's first appointment without me was because one of her ex's gave her a STD and she wanted it never mentioned at any meetings. And every meeting we had, she was secretly crapping herself in case a doctor mentioned it. I felt like she stole that first meeting away from me and tainted the others.They all meant so much to me at the time. Then she said that the reason she got up in the middle of the night to change the password was because she was secretly communicating with her ex, The same ex she had in her bed the weekend she met me....So again, she used my crap childhood to mask over her past and current doings. Then she went on to say that she had sex with him the weekend she met me, "But It only happened the once!"I broke down and said that I can't go on being lied to like this and I want to break up with her. She crashed to the floor in a food of tears and after about a minute of deep crying, she suddenly stops, gets back up on her feet and says "It was a test!, I wanted to see if you would leave me".... This really messed with my head. A few days later she said that the baby appointment was because of the STD and the password was because she was in contact with her ex behind my back.... But the test was her sleeping with him the weekend she met me. She is still adamant that she did not sleep with him and again, I now know everything!She claims that she is very sorry she repeatedly lied to me over the 10 years and using my childhood against me. She asked me to go to couples counselling with her, but sadly that was not working well, it was making us both worse after each session. She then said that she wants to go to a new type of counselling all on her own to understand why she kept lying etc. She wants me to do the same but to deal with my crap childhood, I agreed and have started the ball rolling in that category. We are having our ups and down days, but I feel the trust is broken and gone. This is the 5th time she has openly lied to me about multiple things and I am now left wondering what else.I understand that what she did before me is her own business and I agree, but I have always been open and honest with her and I don't understand why she can't be the same back....I feel like it took way more for me to be open to her about my childhood that it would have been for her to just admit her past. Since our current talks she thinks that she never got over her ex (Same ex on the computer and slept with the weekend she met me) and That I should be happy to be guy #7 (if that is the case) because if she was "Skinner, she would have slept with many many more men" before I met her. Due to the trust being broken, I am now wondering what will come to light in 5-10 years. I don't want to be an idiot always being lied to. She also states that it is "my fault she lies because I never slept around like a normal person does, and I make her feel bad that she did".Please note, I am a good loving partner and father and I have always put my family first, But I feel I am at the end of my road now and the love may be slowly depleting. I don't want to split the family up, but again, I don't want to be a guy who is always been lied to. As far as I know she is still in contact with her ex .Am I right to be concerned ? Should I be annoyed that she selfishly took away our first babies first appointment away from me. Also that she was in contact with her ex behind my back and against my wishes. What would you do if you where me ? Apologies for the long post and many thanks for taking the time to read and hopefully respond.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2018): Dna test....STD test....I am sorry but your wife is a cheat.She always will and has cheated on you.You need a therapist to find out how to rebuild your broken self esteem.I say it is broken because you let her cheat...your kids are not yours but hey you have a good job and money and she knew she would not have to work you would support her.Dude really wake up she does not care about you never has because she is a user.Stop paying for her and her...not your kids. She is laughing at you because she is a con.you are being played.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2018): The other option here is to go to couples counselling and see if you can both address what clearly is a trust issue. I stand by that I can see why you are being mistrustful and you have stated that every day for the past three months you have found you don't trust her, the question is why? A lot of people do end up deactivating their Facebook accounts because it causes problems in relationships. I discovered my partner had an array of exes on his Facebook from years ago and the odd interaction with them, I trust he was simply friends with them but I just don't get the exes being on the friend list, if they are in the past when you are in a relationship then that is exactly where they should remain, that is just my opinion.Only she knows why she is so guarded about her password and friend list, it could be as simple as she doesn't see why she has to show you and she feels you have trust issues, again only she knows that but her behaviour from that you wrote did indicate there was a little bit more to it than that.You can get on until the cows come home and you must have done to have three children, but why after ten years no real commitment on either side can I ask? I'm sorry but I don't think she would stop you seeing the children, from her past history I think she would be happy for you to have them while she resumed her past lifestyle, she seems to like that excitement and be grateful she has a good man putting up with her shady behaviour.Only you know if it is YOU that is being sensitive or whether you have good reason to feel she is acting in a way that shows she is not being truly faithful to you. I wish you well.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2018): Hi OP. I know how difficult this is for you. You are going over everything in your own mind over and over. There is no peace for you. You are writing here, all of this in an attempt to grasp at something that will be able to solve your problems with this woman. You are hoping there will be a magic answer. You are hoping things will change. That things will get better. You are hoping against hope that there is a rainbow over the horizon and you can live happily ever after. But this is no Cinderella. And the shoe never did fit, right from the very start. Love clouds our vision. Makes us believe in what is not there, and this person becomes who we think they are, not who they really are. You can only live with this delusion long enough, before it starts to become reality and it starts tearing you apart inside. Every day it gets worse and you grow and grow more miserable as it eats apart your insides. You cannot push it away forever. There is just no stopping it. Why? Because you KNOW the truth. You KNOW what you have to do. You just don't want to face it. You think you are not strong enough to move on. BUT YOU ARE. And in the end, despite your fears, you are going to be okay. Life will become a new normal. And I swear to you, once the dust settles, you are going to be a happier man. You are going to be more confident and happier with you, by not allowing this woman to tear you down all the time. If you let her go, you will eventually find a woman who is WORTHY of a man like you. You are one of the GOOD GUYS. And guys like you are rare in this world. She does not deserve a man like you. She has a very promiscuous background. She probably knew how to manipulate you from day one. With her sexual charm. She has had lots of practice. All the signs were there, OP. Because she has been around the block and she knows exactly what she is doing. For a guy with little to no experience sexually, it would seem you (and she!!) struck the jackpot. And so you became tangled up in her web. You were starry eyed and completely hooked. She used your inexperience to her advantage. She took your hand and led you down that path. It was new and exciting. And you were longing for what she offered. All the while, she knew exactly what she was doing. Do you see this? Sex was an effective tool at clouding your judgment. And oh, how she knew this! Because of your lack of experience, you trusted her, you allowed her to take you for a ride. Because you were infatuated by her. And the way she made you feel. At least until she started to make you feel like shit. Because you are always questioning how good she made other men feel, most likely even during your 10 year relationship.You are trying and trying but you cannot control another person. No matter how much you love them. No matter how many times you argue with them. No matter how right you are about their actions, despite their pathetic attempt to gas light you. No matter how much you love your children. No matter how much you want it to work, there are two people in this relationship. And tragically, she has dropped the ball - long ago - but you are such a good human being that you continue to forgive her and believe in her. But at some point, you are going to have to realize that not all people are meant to be in our lives forever. No matter how many or few years you have spent with them. Not all people are worthy of our love. And our trust. Sadly, the signs were all there in the very beginning. You at some level, knew it. But chose to ignore it and accept her explanations and the "truth" she told. But it was not the truth. It was a lie after lie after lie. But you were TRUSTING her to tell you the truth. Because it is what you would have done. But she is NOT you. Sadly in this life, we learn lessons the hard way. That not everybody is like us. Think like us. Do things like us. Has values and integrity like us. Therefore we place our own expectations on other people, hoping they will treat us as we treat them. It should be this way but not all people deserve our all, our trust and our complete devotion. Some people take advantage of us for this. They take advantage of our good, kind hearts and our strong, solid values. I believe she likes the stability you offer. You have stood by her through it all. She knows most men would not do that. So, she hangs on. But she likes excitement on the side. To boost her ego. I am certain she is insecure and lacks in self confidence. She uses men to feel good about herself. But ironically the hit she gets will never last long enough to FIX her. She will keep seeking it out. It is what I call a band aid solution. It masks the problem, never heals it, and unless she does some serious introspection, she will continue this way forever. She already has you. So she does not have to work at impressing you. She takes you for granted. She is bored with you. Staying at home with the kids makes you dull. Even though is very NOBLE. You are always there. Do you see what I mean? Sometimes being a good guy dims your sexual fire. She may love you but she is not in love with you. If she was in love with you, she would respect you and never do anything to hurt you. But it is already too late for that. It is obvious she has been using Facebook to communicate with her ex and/or other men. Do not let her con you into thinking otherwise. This is why she has been secretive and has not been completely transparent with you about her online activity. This is why she went downstairs in the middle of the night to change her password. This is why she deleted her account. Not because you were on her back but because she does not want you to find out she has been cheating on you with other men. Whether it has been emotionally or physically, it doesn't matter. She has not been faithful to you, OP. I wonder how she would like it if maybe you found some other interests outside the home a couple of nights a week? Why don't you ask her to babysit while you have a life of your own too? I think you are stuck in the house with the kids with no outlet for yourself. You need to take care of your own well being and your own mental health. It seems all the time you have on your hands to think about this is becoming your enemy as well. You just cannot escape the mental torture. I believe you need to find yourself again, OP. You need to do things which make you happy. I understand you love your kids but you cannot lose yourself in the process of trying to please everyone. If she was a good person and never cheated, I would have advised you to find hobbies for yourself. Not always be available. Be a little aloof. Become a little bit like a bad boy with her. And watch her interest suddenly change in you. We want what we can't have for the most part. Sad, but true. It does become a bit of a game. I think people like to play outside the home for excitement and keep their home life as is, but once they are caught, they are devastated because they end up losing their stable home life. Not because they are sorry. They aren't. So, what happens is they will never again find a spouse like the one they HAD and end up chasing illusions for the rest of their lives. Realizing that was never the answer. Another hard lesson learned. They may even find somebody else and eventually once the boredom sets in, begin repeating their patterns. So, they will leave a trail of destruction just because they weren't mature enough to fix themselves. I wanted to explain this in detail because I have been in your shoes. Only I am a woman and he was MY FIRST. And I went through the very same thing. Until I opened my eyes, gathered all my strength, and made a decision. One which changed my life. For the better. It may seem impossible to make this choice but sweetie, it isn't. You have the power to do anything you want. You know she is hurting you. You know she is making you miserable. How can you keep living this way? Nothing will ever change except you will become more and more unravelled. If you fear her taking the kids, then have you ever considered living in a roommate situation but having separate lives? Although this would also be complicated. I think you should consult a lawyer. Find out your rights and options. It is not always true a mother will get full custody. You have been a stay at home dad for all these years. Surely, this could work in your favour. Don't put up roadblocks. You need to do some research. Once you are ready, then leave. I truly believe this woman is using you. She is no good for you. And one last piece of advice, do not delude yourself about the paternity of those kids. Yes, I know you believe they are yours. But I would still get a paternity test. For your OWN peace of mind. Ok?I hope I have helped in some way. I know what you are going through. Once you do all the research about your rights and plan your escape so to speak, everything will be easier. Right now you are afraid because you are still in denial and still have no answers, and you never will. You need to now move past this stage and start planning to move on. Have this goal in mind. See it to fruition. I promise once you have a plan in place, you will be able to execute it. You have given her too many chances. She has failed you at every turn. Please love yourself to want better. Hugs. x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2018): She sounds incredibly insecure and needs men to validate her self esteem. Tell her to get therapy.
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A
male
reader, TallTrees +, writes (29 September 2018):
TallTrees is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank You to all who took the time to write back in....I think I should also add that I know all 3 kids are mine (they all look exactly like me and have strong facial features from my side of the family). I was only thinking "Could our 2nd child be mine" while my partner was pregnant due to the sneaking around and changing passwords etc. I fully agree that I can still be a good father to our kids without my partner in my life, but knowing the legal system favours mothers, I fear that she will take the kids away from me one day. Recently we have spoken many times about splitting up and she wants to leave the kids with me in our main home and she will be the one to leave and get a new place. I am a stay at home father and I have basically brought our 3 kids up and my partner was the working one (She had a good career when we met and I was in the stages of joining the RAF, I left my last job just before trying to enrol to focus on getting into shape before the basic training stage. Sadly due to a car accident in my youth, the RAF refused my application at the final stages because the doctor said that I "Could later have problems with my back" and the RAF didn't want to take the chance on me. Shortly after I took a few simple local jobs to keep myself afloat, but once the kids came along, it made more sense that my partner kept her good career and I became the parent to stay at home. It's been this way ever since. We both say that we do want it to work, but I hate the feeling that I am being lied to every day. For e.g, I said that "As far as I know, you are still in contact with your Ex on Facebook. My Facebook is constantly open on our PC and she can check it anytime she wants, so why is her Facebook always password protected....She will only ever access her Facebook via her mobile phone and never the PC. Why the secrecy if there is nothing on there to find ? Why am I able to be open with her and her not with me ???"If she was committed to putting the past away, why not just show me once and prove me wrong and I can leave it well alone. I don't have any desire to snoop into her personal space, I just pointed out that she could easily put all this to bed here and how by showing me her private PM contact list and if her Ex isn't in the list, I will be much happier and leave this alone. She changed the conversation and again, pointed the finger of blame at me "It's because of your childhood that you don't trust me etc".The next day she deleted her entire Facebook Profile. She claims that she did this because it was causing way to many problems, but I can't help but think there was stuff in there that I would not have liked and she feared that I would find out so she deleted everything away.I don't like the way she makes me feel, but besides her sneakiness and lies, we get on really well together. She usually makes me happy, but over the past 3 months I have been in a constant down mood and miserable. I hate that she keeps doing dodgy crap behind my back and if I question it, I am the one to blame because of my childhood (I think I gave her a convenient get out of jail free card telling her about that). How can someone love you, but use the worst part of your life against you to cover their own insecurities ? Anyway, many thanks for the kind words of advice.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (28 September 2018):
 You do realise that you don’t have to be with her even though she is the mother to your children right?
She has lied to your face on multiple occasions regarding issues that are very important to you. How many more times until you decide enough is enough? What else don’t you know about her? Why would you take her back in the first place? You could of ended this years ago and had to deal with none of this, it goes to show what happens when you enable liars behaviour. She doesn’t stop because there hasn’t been any consequences, you’ve stayed with her no matter what she’s lied about so why would she be honest about things?
I’d say it’s time to walk away, you can’t trust a word that comes out of her mouth and to make matters worse she tries to pin the blame on you, she’s a manipulator! Don’t you think you deserve better? Why would you even be thinking about the next 5-10 years with her?? Get out! Want better for yourself. All you need to do here is be a good father to your kids, you can do that whether you stay with their mother or not, but I think for your own sanity I think it’s better that you find someone that actually respects you and knows what honesty means.
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate  +, writes (27 September 2018):
If you do DNA testing on your children I think you will find that you are not the father of at least one of them. Perhaps that would be enough to make you leavevthis toxic relationship but you have put up with ten years of lies p, disrespect and gaslighting so perhaps not. At the top you wrote that you and your partner love one another. You love her but she certainly doesn’t love you. She probably loves the stable life you have provided her and the children and she may like you as a person but her actions show she has no real love or respect for you. I understand your reluctance to do anything about this, she is your first and only and there are the children who you love. I understand how those things plus fear of the unknown and fear of being alone can keep you trapped in a miserable situation. Good luck whichever path you choose.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2018): I think you two were incompatible for each other from the begining in that she has had more lovers than you but also you shouldn't have insisted on knowing about her past lovers. It is never is a good idea to dig into your partners past because it only leads to jealousy and mistrust. But having said that I honestly think there is no more love left in this relationship and it will get worse and worse as time goes. You should consider separating your lives while you still have time to build a new life otherwise you will reach a stage where you will be too old and frail to be able to support yourself living alone financialwise or healthwise. You live only once and you shouldn't waste that one time living miserably.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2018): If her past is her past then that is one thing ands she didn't need to divulge the ins and outs of that. But she has seemingly been doing things sneakily behind your back and putting your questions back on you as if you are to blame. She struck it lucky with you, a devoted man who has no bad past history and is loyal and loving, I have to wonder with what she has told you if she likes bad boys and what they offer but likes the stability of you? She has been sneaky and if I was in your shoes I am sorry but I would also be wondering what else she is hiding and whether or not she has cheated on you, her previous behaviour was not a long distant past thing when she met you, she was doing those things right on the doorstep of you meeting!!!In my opinion exes should be well and truly in the past and not to still be corresponding with, she has been with you ten years, what has she got to actually say to this man??I would be suspicious in your shoes I am afraid to say and I think she is not what she seems, not from what you have wrote, she does not seemed to have turned a leaf since she met you and yes I do think once settled people can, I know I have but my silly times were years before I met my partner.You have wrote in for a good reason, read back what you have wrote and ask yourself is this woman truly your life partner and is she loyal and faithful??Good luck whatever you decide to do
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2018): The only question is how much more of your life are you willing to give to a lying manipulative cheat who neither loves nor respects you? And don’t kid yourself she doesn’t. I mean isn’t ten years of this enough?
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (27 September 2018):
 She messed up. Lies are all bad but the more acceptable lie was that she was afraid you would judge her. She lied because she was in contact with her ex. That was not forgivable. As more truth comes out, you find that she has very low self esteem and she put all her confidence in her ability to seduce men. It seems she could only be turned on by clandestine settings. It's true that having 3 kids and taking care of them would dampen anyone's sex drive, but she is not trying to be intimate with you and be emotionally supportive to you. She took you for granted. I doubt there will be more stories for her to tell, or that they would change anything in the relationship since it was 10 years ago. You can check if you have STDs.
Your post is heavily on her ex partners, what she lied about and what she did wrong. If there weren't any good in the relationship, you wouldn't have stayed with her and have 3 kids with her. I do feel she is physical attracted to you, but she needed some excitement from outside to make her feel good. You gave her countless chances but she blew them. Some women are blessed to have skinny bodies even after 3 kids but most have lost their figures. She went behind your back to contact an ex to feel sexy again. You are a very forgiving person so unless she does something like physically cheat on you, you would stay. You also have to give her credit for taking care of 3 children. She really needs to stop contacting her ex. She needs to tap into her inner energy to feel confident. As a tired mother she may not know where to look, to empower herself as a woman. She only has the past, sleazy lovers to give her self worth. She might not have any role model growing up yet she needs to be one, to her kids. It's her that needs advice more than you. If she can come on here I can give her advice.
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reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (27 September 2018):
 Wow ! what a roller coster of emotional abuse. I think your issue starts with you wanting to appease her behaviour for some odd reason. You have given this woman far to much rope over the 10 years. Who is this person really? A chameleon of lies and deception. If you chose to move on given her childish tests, lies, cheating, disrespect and bullshit reasoning, thats not you being responsible for breaking up the family. She has her hands firmly on the axe and she's swinging. Fiddle sticks to that. It's you saying ENOUGH, YOU CAN'T BE TRUSTED, I DESERVE BETTER. You have to take some accountability for letting this go on for so long. People get away with what others let them. Give her unraveling stories, is your child even yours? Get a DNA test. Is that the reason she is still in contact with her ex, is he the father? She is a child in a grown ups body. coming to conclusion and making statements :"my fault she lies because I never slept around like a normal person does, and I make her feel bad that she did", should be your cue card out of there. You are never going to win with that king of logic. You don't need to be in a relationship to be a good loving father either. All the best
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