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female
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writes: I have a dad who is always telling me what to do and what to wear and how to take care of my son. I am 20 years old and I told him I am not a little girl any more and I don't live with him, but he said he don't care. I tried every thing to get through to him but nothing is working and I need help because what I am doing isn't working. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2005): he's trying to help you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2005): I had exactly the same problem with my dad when I was 23, well, up until I was 23 actually.My daughter was five at the time.
I would just like to say to you that please please try to find a way through this, without falling out with your dad.
I did fall out with my dad, and did not speak to him for three years.
He died very recently,not entirely unexpected, but nothing could have prepared me anyways, and I wish that I had realised that it was only because he cared that he tried to give me advice. I recall calling him a nosy old git etc etc
I know it is very hard and annoying, but now my dad is gone I would give anything to have those years with him back...no matter what.
Good luck and best wishes to you and your son.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2005): My dear, you have a very genuine, loving Dad but he is overprotective. He feels you need him to navigate through life and he's the only one who can help you. Overprotective dads have to learn to step back and allow their adult daughters to learn about life on their own without his constant scrutiny & unwanted help. Most of these fathers probably think they are communicating the depth of their love to their daughter. What the daughter is "really" receiving & reading from his actions are, that Dad hs a sense of mistrust, wants to control and overpower her life. Not surprising, that you are frustrated with him.
Involved fathers who show daughters ways to navigate the world outside the family, are role models of independence and competency, and are a moral anchor for them. But the majority of fathers "let go" when their daughters reach adulthood and they hope like hell, he taught her enough strength, independence and self-reliance to take on life's challenges without him there to guide her. The enormity of this influence and responsibility can be overwhelming to some father's like your Dad and perhaps he just isn't ready to let go and feels he still has to guide you.
Sit him down and have a good heart to heart with him. Ask him to trust what you know about yourself and your world-to trust your ability to learn from your mistakes and to hear what you say, not what he thinks you should say. He needs to respect you and he should learn from you. And most of all, "prove" to him without a doubt...that you can live a good, solid life without him. Make that happen if you haven't already. Show him what you can do and he'll likely back off.
You Dad is concerned for you because he loves you. He just needs to understand-that you need your own life and you need to make your own decsions. This father-daughter bond will last the rest of his life, even when he is no longer the most important man in your life. Be kind and loving to Dad and always remember, this relationship is the first and most important relationship with a man, a girl ever has. He will always be special to you...just give him the reassurances..that you and your son will be okay. Good luck and take care
Hugs, Irish
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reader, communicatrix +, writes (13 August 2005):
 It sounds from your note like you've already taken the first step to quell the one-way stream of unsolicited advice, which is to move out on your own. That can't have been easy to do at the tender age of 20, and with a child to boot, and it clearly demonstrates that you are, in fact, an adult capable of making your own decisions and taking care of yourself and your child.
So what's happening? Why is Dad refusing to acknowledge what's plainly there before him?
Well, it could be that he's a hopeless nosybody who can't mind his own beeswax. Or it could be that he loves you and cares about you and his grandchild and this is his way of showing that love.
I'm guessing that at this point, the exchanges go something like this: you do x; he "helpfully" tells you why you should have done y; feeling completely unseen and unheard for the billionth time, you blow up; he takes umbrage, perhaps even adding fuel to the fire by saying your reaction just proves how immature you are; the whole thing devolves into a fight, not speaking or both.
You can't control his actions; all you can do is control your reaction to those actions. So let's say you do x and he says "you should have done y". Instead of engaging, you shrug it off with a "yeah, maybe, but I like x. Oh, well; vive la difference. Can you pass the peas, please?"
It's going to feel fake and it's going to be maddening and difficult for awhile. You may even lose it every now and then, when you're not feeling strong and he pushes your buttons. But believe me, if you keep doing it—calmly, pleasantly, but firmly—eventually one of two things will happen: he will see that his "helpful" suggestions are superfluous and will stop, or you will get to a place where you are so sure in yourself that no one can ruffle you.
And really, that's what you want anyway: to be strong, self-assured and well-acquainted with your own power.
Good luck!
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