A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am crushing very hard on a 57 year old man and he doesn't know. He's told me that he feels a "connection" to me is attracted to me and cares for me. We went out as friends and ended up talking for almost four hours in a restaurant. He was incredibly attentive and refilled my tea cup constantly and kept asking me if I was okay. It was pretty crazy. We met and didn't even exchange numbers at first. He asked me to meet him at a restaurant. I was caught in heavy traffic and he waited over forty minutes for me, outside. I thought it was incredibly sweet. We share a lot in common from what I can see and it's incredible how our humors mesh. I can't stop thinking about him and he's told me he keeps thinking of me. I'm infatuated. But then, reality creeps in. When he walked me to my car that night, he hugged me for a long time and when we pulled away, everyone outside the restaurant had their heads turned to stare. This man is vibrant but he does have a disability where he walks with a cane and he hasn't mentioned this, but I know he goes through pain which makes my hurt because he's incredibly sweet. He looks young and has a youthful spirit but isn't trying to be a kid. He has a wisdom about him I really admire. But my mind says: don't fall in love. How can we have a future? He told me that he knows it's crazy and unusual. But he is stepping back to let me think and let me "breathe." He admitted that he wants a relationship with me and mentioned that he thinks his family would love the way I am. Even now as I write this, I'm thinking about him and wishing I could just talk to him. I can't believe how quickly this infatuation got into me. I keep thinking of the cons and I want to stop feeling this way. I think of his age and want to kick myself-I never thought I'd ever feel attracted to a man so much older than me. But I feel safe around him and so enchanted by his gentlemanly manners and how shy he sounds over the phone. Please help me.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2016): I think it is important to realise that there are two sides to this. Just because someone is physically older, doesn't mean that they stop being attracted to a person when they have a 'connection'. I am a very young-looking 58. I'm very tall and in really good shape and get a lot of compliments from women of all ages. I am also happily in a relationship with a woman of 50, who, incidentally, I adore and would never cheat on. I play in a band in a bar regularly, and one of the ladies who works there is really sweet, and thirty years ago, would have been just my type, so there is a little 'banter' and because she is a poor student, I buy her a drink. The band is breaking up so last night was our last gig. As we were packing up the gear, she came over and said goodbye and gave me a hug and kissed my cheek, and as she did so, slipped a note into my hand saying 'call me' with her number. I won't be calling. Don't get me wrong, she is very attractive, intelligent and charming, and as a red-blooded man, I am of course attracted to her, but I won't be taking it further as I have absolutely no intention of messing up her life and mine. Many of us 'old perverts' are still 25 years old in our heads, and it is sometimes a real struggle to stay strong and not give in to serious temptation, so please go easy on us. We are not immune to the charms of a young woman, and while some might give in to temptation, we do know that it would be very destructive, so if we keep our distance, it's not because we are being mean to you, it's because we know how mean it would be to take it further, even if we were free to do so.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (13 September 2016):
 I understand what the last answer was saying. So what is the danger in falling in love with a charming guy you may ask? The moment he withdraws affections (purposefully, you can it love bombing and love starving) is the moment you are tempted to win it back. It makes you vulnerable, and the cycle repeats itself again and again until you are totally weak and lose your self esteem. He can be like an emotional vampire preying on younger innocent women.
That's what she's trying to say.
What's not to love about a beautiful younger woman with high hopes? Maybe from outsider's point of view, it's more like, "what's an old man doing with a young girl?" Not saying that he's absolutely going to turn into a prick. But the moment you notice he pulls the hot and cold game, just say bye and good riddance.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2016): Hello, I am the original poster. Thanks for all your insights. I admit though that I am still very confused. I saw him briefly today and felt that my feelings were more muted in a sense where I was glad to see him but not over the moon. WiseOWl, you made me think about "why" I ad this attraction in more detail. Janniepeg and llifton, I love how you kept open minds but still clarified some of my worries about having kids, family reaction etc. Anonymous: I read your post about three times and kept going over the date in my mind...I don't think this is what this is but I'm not ruling it out. If you saw red flags, maybe my infatuation is oblivious to them. Another friend had actually mentioned that same book some time ago and I've never been able to pick it up...I think I will borrow it from her. If it doesn't apply to my guy, great. But still good to have I think cause sometimes I turn a blind eye to my own instincts...Thanks again aunts and uncles
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2016): Hello
I'm going to ignore the question about age gaps. All you can do is try it and see.
I'm more worried about the attentive and charming manners and the fast moving emotions. The way you feel so safe.
Do you realise that there are men out there who are very good at charming women and sweeping them off their feet, all the while pretending to be shy and lovely?
I'm talking about abusive men here. I know it's difficult to imagine, but I can spot a potentially abusive man a mile off.
How do I know? Because your man is doing exactly what my abusive ex did with me. Charming me, looking after me, pretending to be shy and gentle, making me feel safe, seducing me. Nothing was further from the truth! He worked real fast too and I was hooked real fast as well. I've read so much about abusive men and unfortunately had four of them in my life and this man rings bells with me.
You probably won't listen to me and maybe think that I'm cynical and maybe I am, but with good reason.
This isn't about his age either, men of any age can be good at this and women who are ready to drink up the attention and affection are ripe for the picking. I say this in a nice way, I have been where you are and you don't sound in control of your feelings. This all sounds quite extreme and thatt's what's worrying me.
I say this because he sounds exactly like my ex who turned out to be a complete nightmare. He was gentle and shy, yet sexy and manly, looked after me in a way I had never known before and swept me off my feet. Your man's moves are ringing alarm bells with me. The fact that you are infatuated very quickly is a key element in this. They work fast these man. It's what they do. I know he said he's backing off and letting you breathe, but reverse psychology is a major weapon with them. He knows that by going, you'll want him more.
Look, yes I may well be wrong and I sincerely hope I am, but I have too much experience and education on this subject to just let this go by and not mention to you that this man may not be all he cracks himself up to be.
Too many warning signs for my comfort. I just want you to be aware and on your guard.
I'm sure you will carry on seeing him. Wild horses wouldn't have dragged me away from the man I fell for (exactly the same and all the same moves) I fell for him in one night too! Oh yes they're good! We had a 'connection' too, right from the off. This also worries me, because when we feel an instant connection with someone, it's not necessarily a good thing. Please be slightly on your guard. Clock anything he says that doesn't add up, they lie for England. They make you feel like a million dollars. This guy sounds like he's done this before, he knows what he's doing.
I only want your happiness and I hear the innocence in your post, that you believe everything is as it looks. I really hope it is.
To help you understand what on earth I'm going on about please just humour me and read a book called 'How Charming Men Can Make Dangerous Lovers'. I can't remember the author I'm afraid, but just typing the title in will take you to it.
I don't want to burst your bubble. Just the opposite. I want you to be safe and happy. I don't want HIM to burst your bubble.
Trust my instincts here, just enough to read the book and then if he does anything that's in the book, well, you'll know what you're dealing with. The question of what you do then, is obviously up to you. But by reading it, it may save you a lot of heartache.
I just re read your post and you said you want to stop feeling this way. If you can, I think it would be a good idea. And not because of the age gap.
Are YOUR instincts telling YOU something?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2016): I agree with some of the answers below. If you see the romance as in the moment and being in love for a while, def go for it. It can still be beautiful and enriching and so far it sounds absolutely lovely. However if you are seeking long-term, Im sorry sweetheart, 30 years may be a very large gap. I work with in a setting where clients are older and age gaps even from a 60 year old woman with a 80 year old man can be a drastic. Even 10 years apart in senior couples proved to be tough as the woman falls out of love due taking care of a much older husband. There are pros and cons. I see absolutely vibrant young wives who later regret marrying a much older man and the passion is replaced by acceptance and care only. After visualizing this, I def think relationships within a 1-15 year gap is acceptable but anything more can be tough for long term relationships. Understand that you if love him now and the sweetness is incredible, sometimes we change as we age and what we want now can be replaced by something entirely different. Its important to just understand all this even if you cant make a decision right now. Good luck
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (12 September 2016):
 Hey there. I just replied to a different thread about age gaps, but the OP was a minor. It's completely different when both are grown adults. I can absolutely see how and why you could fall for a man who is so gentlemanly and has much wisdom. And I don't see anything wrong with it at all. It sounds as if you have an amazing and wonderful connection. And that's always incredibly hard to find. So good for you.
You mentioned that "reality creeps in," and you want to push that away. However, you can only push reality away for so long before it takes a nice, big bite out of your ass when you're not expecting it. You can't pretend that some barriers aren't in the way. And nor should you. Because that wouldn't be being "realistic," now would it? You have to allow yourself to be open to certain realities that come along with this. They don't have to be deal-breakers, though. That is fully up to you. But you owe it to yourself and him to be honest about them.
Think about having children, if that's something you ever do desire. Would you be willing to have newborn children with a man who is 60? Just as importantly, would HE be willing? When they graduated from high school, he would be 78. How about an active sex life? What about eventual health problems? Desiring going out and having nights out with friends? What about the next 10-20 years? While you will still be young and in your prime, he will be older and almost 70/80.
Once again, there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with how you are feeling and it's not crazy. Love has no bounds or age limits. And good for you for finding someone you connect so strongly with. Just allow yourself to really think about the realities of what this relationship would entail. If it's something you're okay with, then give it a go. If it's not, that's perfectly okay, too. There's no right or wrong answer; only what makes you happy.
Also, there's nothing wrong with simply playing it by ear and seeing how it goes. You don't always have to have all the answers right now. And that's okay. You can take your time and ease into this slowly and cross each bridge as it comes. You may not know how you feel until you feel it. What may feel like a deal-breaker now may not feel like one when that time comes, and vice versa. Just be honest with him about some of your concerns and communicate them with him. Certainly he will understand and be willing to take it one step at a time.
Good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2016): It's very difficult to fairly advise people on dating under age-differences. Mature people have to be the responsible one in the connection. Knowing their health issues, advantage by experience, dealing with public stares and looks of disapproval, and whether the attraction is lust or truly love.
Then, there is a host of serious factors to consider. Whether that younger person has mommy or daddy-issues. A relationship that is built on the wrong foundation is doomed from the start. Younger people are very susceptible to infatuation based on many things. Admiration, sexual attraction, wanting financial-security, and idolization based on title and success. Successful and wealthier people seek younger people as trophies and tribute to their egos, wealth, and success. Naturally anyone would be seduced by their charms and tempted by their money. The problem is, knowing the difference on either side.
You have to know that your attraction to this man is not one that will be here today, and gone tomorrow. You're over 25, and that places you in a better position to make decisions that are based on some experience and wisdom.
Yet, your feelings are quicker to change or wander than his. If he does decide he wants to date you, he will be serious; because he has the benefit of knowing himself and what he wants or needs. You are still at the age of discovery and exploration. You may not be sure about your feelings or needs. You still have some experimenting and searching at your tender age.
No one says dating is out of the question. Only where you're able to take it, and how emotionally and psychologically prepared you are to deal with differences that become more apparent under more intimate circumstances. It takes time to truly know people, and sometimes feelings change over that span of time.
Know what you want, and where you're going; and then you'll know if there's any future to look forward to.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (12 September 2016):
There will be a divide in the outcome, depends on how you look at this. If your mindset is to get married and have kids in 5 years, have someone you can show off to your family, he won't be a good choice. If you see artistic or spiritual value in him and you know he would inspire you to become a better person, then I think you would give him a chance, just to do that. Although I think it would be cruel to have a beautiful relationship with him, then run off to a better suitor just before you turn 35. I don't think he expects you to love him forever because of the age difference and his physical condition. But someone people would do anything for a chance of being in love, just even for a short time. If you enjoy the moment and getting lost in time and in his embrace, then he is the guy for you.
I am not sure when he says his family would love you. It would be big of his family to accept this age gap relationship. Most people scoff at this. Maybe the age gap thing runs in his family. He can be serious or it can just be sweet talk. At this moment you know very little about him. Your curiosity won't stop so maybe take some time and you may find some deal breakers, not just age.
I guess it's not impossible to be a dad at 60, even if crippled. It may mean that most of the housework and child rearing would be done by you. I won't even consider him as a husband and dad unless he's some billionaire and can some many helpers.
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