A
female
age
41-50,
*iwi91
writes:Hi everyone,I becanme friends with a woman twice my age. She's an artist and so am I, and although very different, we have a lot in common.She's supposed to be straight. She's divorced. But I feel there's a common affection, that is very strong. On my part, there's even the desire to kiss her, hold her.I am an out-lesbian and she's okay with it and I would say, not at all concerned about this, about my age, and what people might imagine seeing us hanging out all the time. Sometimes I come to think she's fallen for me, has a crush or something.Now, to finish, I'm 30. I'll let you do the math. This woman has style and looks gorgeous. She's intelligent and very funny. I do not imagine a relationship with her in the classic conversional way, but rather a very strong and sensuous friendship. Sh'es a free woman and so am I. She has many friends but no more man in her life, and a bit lonely because she's so different from people that she knows. She's led her life the way she wanted since she divorced about ten years ago, and when we see each other, I can see she has so much fun. We see each other each week-end. There has been weeks when we called each other every night. I have a huge crush on her.How does that sound to you? Sometimes I think it's just my imagination. Sometimes I think it's strange. Sometimes I think it's beautiful.
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female
reader, kiwi91 +, writes (4 September 2008):
kiwi91 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionToday I started realizing it hurts having such strong feelings. On one hand it's wonderful but on the other hand, it feels hopeless.
One of my friends thinks this whole situation is weird and she tells me she thinks she might be attracted to be, infatuated, whatever. It's nice to have someone's opinion. But it's just someone opinion.
Also my lesbian lover is a very experienced lesbian and a real walking gaydar. First time she saw her, it was at my work, she said (I had told her nothing about me and her) "this woman has been with women before, don't you think?" I'll always remember that.
I did something on purpose the other day. I sent her pics of my party and there was a beautiful picture of her. She answered saying all the pics were great, except the one of her. Fetching for a compliment or not, I decided to use that opportunity to go a little too far. So the grown-up lesbian writes the older woman "You're right, this picture is not as beautiful as you are in real life. It's just a picture. You're beautiful, you know that. then I said "all my girlfriends at the party came to me to say you were gorgeous. I'm jaleous! I'm beautiful too!" (it was not totally true, just a few of them did say that after the party). So you know, that was kind of a compliment. She could have ignored it if she was embarassed. She answered "You don't need to exagerate! I know I don't look good on pictures anyway. Yes, you are very beautiful, and you don't need to be jaleous. And you know that" and then goes on about what time is the best for me to come and visit tomorrow.
So I saw her again. I was wearing a shirt she just gave me. She didn't noticed right away, and then her whole faced smiled and she said very fast in her mother tongue something like "Oh my you are too much... blah blah" and then "It looks so good on you. She looked so happy, with a little something on her face I haven't seen often. We had dinner and we laughed, drank tea, worked on something, laughed a lot. Something new (but that's also a consequence of the summer break), when she laughed she touched my arms several times. I feel that difference.
I feel so stupid. This woman is a character. Maybe she's just enjoying my company and playing along. I feel so stupid. I know her friendship is real though, I am sure of that, of her love for who I am. But all the attention and all the emotions I feel around her...
I have no expectation you know. I'd like to stay her friend, officially, I would not require exclusivity or for her to come out or whatever. I just dream of telling the truth, that it's a passionate friendship, that I love her in a way, I dream of holding her, kissing her cheek, rubbing my forehead on hers.
I was thinking of asking her to come with me to a day trip (she doesn't have much free time so a one day trip) to a city she wants to visit. I know of one. She'd certainly love the idea of going with me.
*******I'm lost.********* I know I just need to express my love to her, slowly, as I have been doing very well, and let it go to where it can go, but I'm afraid if I don't do something or say something, it'll never truly break through because we (I assume.......) are scared of the age gap. You know the lesbian thing now for me is obvious. It's not a bareer. It's the age gap that scares me. Conventions, etc. She has said many times she's always broken convensions and always wanted to do what she wasn't supposed too. But do you know many 60-year-old woman who'd be cool about having a crush for a 30 year-old?
Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeease help. I'm starting to think of her all the time and that's just too much. Sometimes I want to cry. I feel that love, and it can't really burst out of my heart and it hurts. It hurts also because I feel a little weird around her, like there's reciprocity, like, the way we hang out is NOT normal and innocent so to speak.
Please tell me something hopeful again, give me an advice, write me if you have experienced something even close. If you're straight gay, whatever. THANK YOU.
A
female
reader, kiwi91 +, writes (2 September 2008):
kiwi91 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for supporting me!
Yeah, there's love. There's a lot of attraction too, physical and intellectual, that creates that sexual desire I have, which is not surprising since women have that effect on me. But even for me, it's unusual to feel such an intense attraction and soul intimacy. You know what I mean, one does not feel that everyday. The first day I met her, it was like a magnet. I haven't explained in my post. We were co-workers and we both left that workplace because it was shitty. It was no big deal, I don't to give too many details, but it was just a small jobs. We have more serious jobs and we weren't in jeopardy. So when I met her, all I saw was a much older woman who was sort of my boss, where I was then, and I'm a very reasonable person you know. But still, on that day, I felt a magnet, a act of fate itself, that she should be in my life. I became so infatuated right away it was bizarre. I felt the urge to know her better. It's written on her face she's smart and a unique woman. But also, she's hot like hell and I had bizarre thought like, I will tell this woman one day I want her. I was serious. I was like, I must. There's no way. I knew nothing about her. I just thought, she needs to know how hot she makes me feel. Months went by. I saw her once a week and I did pretty well handling it. I just worked near her, we talked a bit. She liked me a lot but we didn't get closer really. Then something happened and we left that place. Because of what happened, we met in a coffee shop one day, after we quitted, and she loved how I handled the situation back there and we started being friends, exchanging e-mails and talking on the phone often. At first we only talked about that. But still, we talked for like, an hour or so, and several times a week, so we actually learned about each other a lot and those were late evening calls and it felt intimate. She right away expressed the desire to get to know me and stopped talking about all that crap. It took a while to stop but we finally did stop talking about work and it was just about us. Weeks passed by and I feared that it would fade away. We were seeing each other pretty much every week-end, talking often e-mailing often. Sometimes calling each other every single day. Each time I thought "shit, I shouldn't have done this ot that... It's inapporpriate..." her respond sent me an opposite message. She always welcomed my call, or woul say I can't talk right now, call me at... or I'll call you at... she she would... I texted her something cute one day, and thought shit that's too much, but she responded in an even cuter way... After weeks and weeks, and months I stopped worrying: she clearly wanted to see me agaian and again and I didn't need to worry about not seeing her this week, she would ask me to go out, or come over, or do this or that. SInce I became addicted to seeing her, I was always very anxious to plan out the week-end and secure a possibility of seeing her, but then who was I to ask her out, see her each week!? But as I said, it was very reciprocal.
Of course I wondered, is she just a lonely woman? No, I've seen her in social contexts, with friends, in the workplace. She's loved, she's active... But I think although she might have many friends, she might feel bored.
One day she told me about her being different, feeling different, being sort of an outsider. She's a character it's true, and I think the women she knows, her friends, aren't as creative and free as she is. It'd take a while to describe her... But she's full of life and quite a free spirit. So my seconde theory was that she enjoyed being with me a lot. And I still think that. But also sometimes I think she might be infatuated.
I must add something too. I have a lover. We're in an open-relationship and there's no problem with me pursuing another woman. So that's not the question here. But anyway, I have a lesbian lover right now. I have mentioned her several times, but only a few times. Well, enough so she know I have someone, but not enough so she thinks I'm taken. The thing is, she's NEVER been curioys about it. She asks many questions about me, my life... Why doesn't she ask me about my g-friend? It's really like, she doesn't want to know.
And something happened. She met a man at work. She mentioned it one day, saying this guy complimented her (no suprise, she's beauty on earth). I said, alright! And that was it, she just sounded like she didn't care that much. This guy asked her out. And then one day, I was with her and a female friends of her, very staight, and that woman started talking about it, like "hey, how's your boyfriend at work by the way?" they were talking about this guy. She acted like yeah, I'm interested but I don't know... I thought it was weird, because she was like a different person all of a sudden. Then later, I was on the phone with her and we talked about her work, she doesn't like that work she's doing there, and I said "well, you're having fun there as far as I understood", refering to that guy who's supposed to be after her... And she said yeah, ah ah, but she sounded... I don't know, and I started being a bit distant on the phone, and we hanged up. Then, I never heard about it again, ever. She's never gone out with him or mentioned him, and he was supposed to be that handsome guy. I just think she's not truly interested in men. Or that she's testing or playing a role. I don't know.
Since I got back from my long long vacation, I've seen her twice. I had a party here. My lesbian lover was here, among many other people. We were quite remote and not showing signs of affection so I appeared to my older friend as usual. Yet, she knows that she, the lesbian, is involved with me. She knows her first name. Well, she didn't ask any question, or said anything. Just, nothing. One of my friend whom I've told everything, who's a very quiet person and very observing, said she'd noticed that although she was very outgoing to everyone, when she happened to be in a conversion with my lesbian friend, she never looked her in the eyes and was always playing with something or busy doing something.
I just feel an immense wave of love when I think of her, and I just want to hold her, and give her small kisses in the neck. I just have those moments, more and more often, when I am working at my desk and I suddenly feel that desire growing and grwing inside, I just have to go to bed and lay down and touch myself, hold my pillow very tight. I've done that often in the evening, and like, 30 min/an hour later, she's calling me... Weird feeling. Sometimes I call her after having had those feelings, and we have a nice chat. I just miss her often, and desire her.
Months ago, I was insecure, but now, I don't I know nothing for sure, I know we're close enough so I can just say "hey, let's go on a week-end trip together". Maybe I will soon.
I know she's fond of me. She's my friend, she truly loves me, and cares. She' doesn't act like a second mom. She'd hate it, because she needs more, she's already a mom. And she doesn't see me as the "younger person". We have very deep conversation sometimes or very very funny conversations, and she laughs and laughs... one day she said "You make me laugh so much, and this is good". It made me so happy.
But could she possibly be infatuated? in love even, as I am?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2008): What a great update! I'm truly so jealous, you both sound like such warm, caring people. You said...'Can I hide that it's the lesbian in me that's fond of her?' Is it? The 'lesbian in you' is responsible for any sexual attraction, but not the love-that's separate from sexuality. And if she is even half as wonderful as you describe, she'll deal with that part of how you feel without making you feel uncomfortable if it isn't what she wants. But love... you love her because of what you see in her, you know she's your soulmate, and it sounds like you are meant to be 'together'. So, I don't know why you say you 'can't share and build a life together', it sounds to me like you have/are . Just do what you've been doing, let this wonderful relationship go at its own pace and work itself out to where you are both comfortable with it, and enjoy the experience along the way. Don't worry too much about getting hurt and not having feelings reciprocated, I really think you are worrying over nothing...and it could be worse, you could be without her, and I know that would be unbearable.
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A
female
reader, kiwi91 +, writes (25 August 2008):
kiwi91 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone, I was very happy to receive your answers to my post.I especially liked the last one, that sort of encompasses all the others. I agree that considering the situation, I must take things as they come. The best I can do is express my love, not in a subtle way, and not in a overly sexual way. It's not about sexual attraction although they're some. It's mostly this big warmth of love that overwhelms my mind and my heart when I thing about her or see her or hear her or read her, or her name. Time brought many changes in fact. For the past few months, I've remained the same, except that, as we kept calling each other and wanting to spend time, we grew closer. So I became more casual, and more daring. What's more daring? I guess more fun, more playful with the things that, obviously make us soulmates, in a way. We became more playful even than before, and very intimate and easygoing.Then, summer arrived, and both she and I had to go abroad on vacation. That meant saying goodbye, for the first time, and for a long time. There was a very beautiful moment, when we said goodbye. I felt like a child. Afraid to express her feelings, but so eager to show affection and receive affection. But I am not a child and I can dare to say that I'll miss the other person. So, I did. We were walking and we both knew it was it. I turned around. I said "We're not going to see each other..." and I saw her sad face (she was making faces like a crying child... but she meant it, she was sad) and her saying, staring at the ground "And for a long time too". She was thinking the same thing, as intensly as I was while we were walking I knew it. So we came to the point when we had to part (at a gate at a station)and I just had to hold her... And we exchange a few words and I sort of leaned toward and her arm came to me and I just fell in her arms and helf her, and she held me. In a shy way, but it was a warm hug ( I must tell you that this is not taking place in a country where hugs are a common things, it's not).Since then, vacation... and e-mails... but "Hugs and Kisses" written in English at the end of each mail, and cute "I miss you". Then I got back, and she got back a day after I did and asked me to come and pick her up. I did, and there was a great hug in the car. We drove to her place and she was so beautiful and full of life, energy and so warm. I could look at her forever. She was excited and she was different. We were. We were at her place afterwards, eating something, chatting, opening her mail. There was something changed. Like... we were just closer.I'd love to hear older women sharing their opinions, even if they have not been in a similar situation. I know this is nuts. But it's like the age different had no meaning. Don't think I'm naive. I'm not going to want to marry her if we get it on. I know that we can't possibly be her partner and she couldn't be mine, in a conventional way. We can't share and build a life together, there's too much of a gap. But there can be love, and compromise, and a certain level of sharing.I'd NEVER have imagined falling for an older woman, espcially that much older. It just blows my mind. I agree it can be a creative energy. I just hope it's never going to hurt and that I can manage having those feelings with not reciprocity. But I think there is, to a certain extent. Can I hide that it's the lesbian in me that's fond of her? Can she be that naive? Plese, straigh women out there, don't believe that we fall for all women. We can be just friends... That's not what I mean. But, with her, it's passion... It's more than a strong friendship. Can she sense that there's more to it? We spend way to much time on the phone and we share way to many good times together. There's a special something. And I bet that, if there's a sparkle in her heart, she must be even more disturbed than I am. I have always thought she might be a lesbian or a bisexual woman at heart. I don't know if I'm right, but the thing is, she's not out. And, she's 60. So if she feels attraction, she probably also feel like she's just crazy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2008): I am in a very similar situation too, though I'm not a lesbian and have never felt this way about a woman before. I don't have any sexual feelings for her, but like you with your friend, I have a very strong urge to hold her. The only advice I can give is to take each day at a time and slowly, if you are such great friends you will become emotionally closer anyway, and maybe it will naturally progress to physically too, though what she is comfortable with may be different to you, and may be no more than touchy/feely/huggy friends.Cherish all the moments you have with her. I like what another replier said 'if it is not reciprocated then let your passion for this woman become your creative desire, bring out the fireworks of emotion onto canvas.' I know this works.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2008): I’m in such a similar situation this is just unbelievable. I was so glad to find what you wrote and the readers’ comments. I would like to recommend you the book: VICE VERSA: Bisexuality and the Eroticism of Everyday Life.
The only difference, in your story and mine, is that we are both straight and in fact she is really obsessed with finding a boyfriend (at her “advanced age”) and I’m too. Can you understand this situation that my emotions were/are so intense that I cannot even see her? Did you experience this also? Before the crush I just felt that we can be best friend, and I still hope that this will happen when both of us are with boyfriends. We used to communicate a lot via e-mail. I believe that she had a crush on me as well (and during this time, of a month or so, we did not have any communication), I also believe that she does not have a crush on me anymore. What really bothers me and I never experienced it before is intense jealousy: I introduced her to my friend (also straight, I believe), at a conference, and both were in a conversation for hours. When I came back from a lecture I smiled at them and with great enthusiasm asked “what are you talking about (looking at my regular friend versus my special friend)?”. They did not say a word and I left; I was a bit disappointed and curious but nothing more. When I saw my regular girlfriend later and asked if she asked my special friend how we met (tried to figure out what they were talking about...) she responded “we have much more important things to talk about than to talk about you”. Don’t forget that I just introduced them 2 hours earlier – I just don’t want to talk again with this (regular) friend. Is my respond too exaggerated? Anyway, the thing that really bothers me now is that when my special friend sends e-mails about events she now includes my ex-friend e-mail. I’m just very jealous, any suggestions?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2008): I'm in a very similar situation
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A
male
reader, Transcowboy  +, writes (5 August 2008):
 I think you the two of you are great friends. I would be careful about how you go about this. Because if she does not feel the same way, you could loss a great friend.I would just talk to her and ask her in a vague way and test the waters, just be careful and good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2008): Hi
Sounds interesting and as you are both artists, why not paint each other? body art or visual? Bollocks to age and what others think, it is your life and create it how you both see fit. Age???
( We don't stop playing because we get old, we get old because we stop playing!) Colour the world artist freind, and just enjoy what is around you, sometimes as you know pictures can paint themselves without us pushing....let the picture unfold and enjoy the feeling, if it is not reciprocated then let your passion for this woman become your creative desire, bring out the fireworks of emotion onto canvas. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2008): Hi
Sounds interesting and as you are both artists, why not paint each other? body art or visual? Bollocks to age and what others think, it is your life and create it how you both see fit. Age???
( We don't stop playing because we get old, we get old because we stop playing!) Colour the world artist freind, and just enjoy what is around you, sometimes as you know pictures can paint themselves without us pushing....let the picture unfold and enjoy the feeling, if it is not reciprocated then let your passion for this woman become your creative desire, bring out the fireworks of emotion onto canvas. Good luck.
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