A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hey everyone, i've read loads of great advice on here about the 'honeymoon phase' of relationships, and how this fades in time in all relationships, and it leaves me wondering why we stay in long term relationships then? The honeymoon phase is great :) So why don't people get addicted to it, and seek it over and over and over again? (Even if that means having short term relationships with several people). Would that be more fun than one long term relationship where the initial lust/spark/honeymoon phase fades and has to be worked on?Thanks :) Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2011): The "honeymoon" phase is great, but what comes after can also be wonderful. Sure, you don't have that same excitment and you might not be screwing each other's brains out three times a day, but there are other benefits.Knowing that you have someone you can connect with and relax around, for one. In the honeymoon phase, you are either so blinded by the fun that you don't see the other person's faults, and, in my experience, you're still trying to hide your own bad habits. After that phases is over, you get to know each other better, and get to have a partner that accepts you, warts and all.Also, after the honeymoon phase the relationship becomes less just about sex and more about an actual emotional connection. Its about knowing you might not have the sudden bursts of happiness but rather just a long term sense of contentment. For example, I work late (finnishing around 3am most nights). When we were still in the honeymoon phase, some nights my boyfriend would tell me to come round after and he would get up to have a couple drinks before I went to sleep. Now, he doesn't do that any more, but I have the contentment of knowing I don't have to wait for him to offer to get up, I can just go round and crawl in his bed any night I want if I don't want to sleep alone. Not as exciting, but much more satisfying.But finnally, as chigirl said, leaving every relationship after the honeymoon is over is still leaving every relationship, and it would hurt. Unless you are just looking for sex (in which case, find a partner that feels the same way and don't worry about the acutal relationship part of it) you miss out on so much if you don't stick around.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2011): Well, I'm someone who has preserved the "honeymoon phase" in many ways. In my 20's, I dated and was in an almost constant state of sexual activity (not with multiple partners tho). Downside was you often hurt or get hurt, and you deal with all the realities of dealing with different partners.
Then I got married and the honeymoon phase lasted several years, and afterwards it settled into a more deeply loving phase that was actually much better than the honeymoon phase. We kept the spark alive for 20 years, but it eventually burned out gradually during the latter half of the relationship, we were unable to relight it, and I longed for a better life so we split, sadly.
Now I am in a new relationship and the honeymoon phase is still quite there physically, but emotionally we are in uncharted territory. I think in many ways, I crave the deeper love I had with my ex wife. It will no doubt get there with my new love, but it's difficult.
The moral...the honeymoon is fun, but the longer term love is what we really crave. Once you've experienced true love, it's hard to be satisfied with primal urges.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2011): imho, the honey moon phase isn`t that fantastic. I have been w/my fiance for 5 years and we have developed a strong and deep loving connection that I find so much more pleasing than any honeymoon phase.
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A
male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (4 August 2011):
There are several reasons why people stay in long term relationships.
Firstly, to successfully raise children in a healthy emotional environment. Ironically, often long term relationships are not healthy emotional environments, but when it works it works. Children thrive in a loving environment, less so in environments where one parent isn't around and they are left wondering if they are loved or not, as is often the case.
Secondly, unlike most other species, humans have the capacity to form deep bonds of love that keep them connected after the spark of sexual desire starts to fade. Often the deep connection that is formed is more valuable than the fun of new sexual connections, to the two people who have it. Having new sexual partners means giving up the deep bonds of love that have formed.
Thirdly, when we form partnerships, we use the other person in the relationship to manage our anxiety, and set up a comfortable pattern of behaviour. Often the comfort of this holding pattern is preferable to the discomfort of separation. This often keeps people together for the wrong reasons, but it can result in long term relationships as a way of maintaining emotional stability in both individuals. All long term couples have patterns that they use to manage their anxiety, it isn't a good or bad thing it is a human thing.
Long term relationships offer a path to deeper emotional experiences, deeper exploration of our sexual connection in the context of a significant emotional connection (which is different to sexual exploration without a deep emotional connection), and relationships are a vehicle by which we can learn about ourselves in a deeper sense. The challenges of sustaining a working long term relationship have the potential to help us learn about ourselves more fully, and at the same time be more deeply connected to others, than almost any other technique, arguably. Also, it is possible to keep the honeymoon phase alive as part of an ongoing process, if you and your partner manage to figure out how to do that together. It is different for any two different people, but it can be done.
With all of that on offer, short term fun but not very meaningful or deep relationships become a little bit unfulfilling, and a waste of time. It comes with experience.
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A
female
reader, RedAthena  +, writes (3 August 2011):
 Even the animal kingdom has a "honeymoon phase" when some species mate.
But, it is EXAUSTING to be in a constant rutting season!
Real companionship slows down, bonds deepen, loyalty takes on a whole new meaning...have you ever seen a couple truly in love when they can NOT show the level of physical affection they may have once had?
That is the real magical stuff. Honeymoon Sex is good, but that kind of companion over time is unforgettable.
One of the reasons people fail at LTR's is because they want the NOW, the RUSH, the HEAT, the SPARK, ALL THE TIME!!!
The have no patience or understanding for the richer blessing that comes over time. That is why so few find it:)
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj +, writes (3 August 2011):
 The dating game can be exhilarating, but its flippin' exhausting and at times, tragic... dunno bout you, but when I'm old, bald and fat I don't plan on being a playboy, I plan on having someone who loves me- false teeth and all.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2011): Are you really 26-29? A lot of people go from one relationship to another because they are addicted to the honeymoon phase and its a sign of immaturity and not being ready for commitment. Once the honeymoon period wears off is when real love and commitment settles in, which most adults find more rewarding.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (3 August 2011):
 You ask as if you've never been in a relationship before. Sure, exactly, why not leave as soon as things get boring? Because you normally get emotionally attached to a person and it rips your heart out if you separate, even if the fun was already sucked out and you weren't good together. Leaving "just because" the intense in love feeling is gone is not something anyone really want to do. Because leaving the person is painful.
Anyway, if you nurture your feelings they can keep alive for quite long, if not even a lifetime. It takes both parties working at it, all the time, and you nurturing the feeling to keep it alive, much like needing to throw wood on the fire for it to last.
The honeymoon phase of a relationship appears to disappear quite fast when people start to take each other for granted or stop caring about putting in an effort.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Susie +, writes (3 August 2011):
 People do I'm afraid, it's called cheating, infidelity!
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