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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I love my husband. We've been together for almost 15 years. We are in our late 30's now and don't have any kids (we both agree on that).We have weathered many storms (financial difficulties, moving away from our country of origin...) and stuck together. Sometimes I think that all these problems have gotten us even closer. However, it's been a while (2 years even!) that we have started growing apart. My husband has been suffering from anxiety for decades and has been seeing a therapist for over 6 years. From time to time he's treated with meds that lower his libido and influence his overall well being (he's tired all the time and has no interest in anything). For some reason he feels that he should continue down this path an not change his therapist and/or therapy.Since he's convinced that the source of his anxiety is having to deal with people doing a job he hates and living in an overcrowded mega-pole, he started dreaming and more recently making plans of moving somewhere in the country (a house in the middle of nowhere).I like nature, but I do not share his dream of being on a "deserted island". What started worrying mes is that instead of trying to find some viable solutions, he has the need to blow up everything! E.g. instead of finding a way to let the apartment (we haven't paid off yet!) here in the city and rent somewhere he'd like to live, just as a test, he wants to sell and be done with it. Instead of trying to convince his employers to allow him to work from home (which I already do) like some of his colleagues, at least at the beginning before he finds something else, he wants to quit! And we don't have savings that would allow him to do so easily. Not to mention that he isn't looking for another job and has no idea what he would like to do.I understand that this is not about who is wrong or right. We just have different answers to the same question. I am more careful. Also I don't suffer from anxiety and I don't "hate" where I am right now. So our POVs are definitely different. He's unable to discuss things in a calm manner. Whenever he gets confronted with real problems he starts yelling and provokes an argument. E.g. if I am actively looking for solutions and putting the possibilities and costs on paper - I am stressing him, if I am minding my own business he feels that I am not invested enough. If I ask him to do a search on something specific (e.g. % of taxes on revenue from letting the apartment) while I deal with the bank, he provokes an argument...I'm afraid that this could be the end of our marriage...
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male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (26 July 2016):
Interesting - all I read about is what he is doing wrong and the work you are putting in to help him.
Just maybe, is there anything that you could be working on? My guess is if we asked him, he would be very quick to provide an answer.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2016): An advice from someone who has been there.Don't waste your lives. you both are still young and you don't have children. You are not compatible for each other. This will only get worse,not better. eventually you will grow apart although you live under the same roof. I suggest you sit and make an amicable decision to end this marriage and let him do whatever he likes without pulling you with him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2016): Dear friends, thank you for your answers (I'm the OP)!
You're right on the spot.
I hope too, aunt_honesty, that it's just a rough patch. When you're young nobody tells you that people CAN (and DO) change... anxiety and depression as well as the treatment can really change someone. Maybe couple counseling would help. I just wouldn't want him to feel inferior, with his anxiety and everything.
Janniepeg, it really hit the mark when you mentioned social skills. My husband's main problem is dealing with people. I don't think he realizes yet that changing his job (living on a farm) won't change that. He'd still have to communicate and work with people. It can be even worse when you're out of the environment you're familiar with. He idealizes the countryside (including people who live there). But people are people everywhere.
HoneyPie, you asked so many important questions... The most important question being what I want. I would want to move, but not on an isolated farm. I would probably develop some sort of anxiety there ;) I am ready to compromise, but won't go that far and blow everything up.
I wondered if he might be bored in our marriage. It's safe, cosy, I understand and take care of him, but, he may want something else? He says it's not the case.
But he may be suppressing it or may not be aware of it yet.
I'm hoping for the best, but must prepare for the worst. Sometimes it's hard to believe that we have come to this.
Thank you again for your help and advice!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 July 2016):
 Are you willing to support you both 100%? Are you ABLE to support you both 100%?
IF the answer is no/no - then you need to tell him that HE needs to find a new job before quitting the one he has OR renegotiate his contact so he can work from home.
As for wanting to move... Well, in a moment of fantasy I wouldn't mind living on some exotic island and watch sunsets and sip Margaritas at the beach. But the reality? It's just not going to work. Hubby wants to buy a RV big enough for us (me and him) to live in when the kids are all moved out and off in college/working, and we can then drive around and live where we want... No my idea of retirement and no, not realistic ether.
I would be HONEST with him. If he wants to live off the grid, in the middle of no-where it will be by himself, which means HE would have to financially support himself as well. And yes, that WOULD mean divorce. And that would also mean you sell the apartment you have now, split the money in 2 and go your separate ways.
Do you think he is building all these fantasy scenarios because he is unhappy with his life (not with YOU but in GENERAL) and thus he is building these "air-castle fantasies" to escape the daily grind and the reality of HIS life?
Sounds to me like it is.
The reason he keeps lashing out is because you don't support or agree with living in "la-la land". You want to be practical about it. By being practical (like discussing leasing the apartment out, talking to the bank etc.) you are making his "dream" boring,
Honestly? You two need to talk. And you NEED to tell him that him getting angry over ANYTHING you say that isn't just parroting him is NOT helpful.
Could it be that his meds needs to either stop or dosage change? Surely. Anxiety and depression meds are rarely supposed to be taking for longer periods of time. And if he doesn't seem to improve with the current therapist changing to a new one could be an option, however THAT is for HIM to decide, I think.
The REAL question is this, WHAT DO YOU WANT?
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (22 July 2016):
 Yes I think so but you should be afraid of being with him instead of getting him out of your life. You can not live comfortably off the grid without people around you. No water means he might have to walk 20 miles just to get it. One of the legit off grid COOP places in North Carolina is very well organized. They eat healthily and each one has an assigned job, sometimes back breaking. If he chooses to live there he still has to listen to a "boss." He still has to deal with socializing and all kinds of question from nosy people of how he ended up there.
This could be my husband but the relationship didn't work after 3 months. My reaction and annoyance towards his anxiety just blew it up. While we were still together we actually went to see a house in the middle of nowhere in minus 20 temperature. It was a hobby farm house of one stressed out woman who's selling it because she's tired of taking care of horses, birds, a huge pig, and cows all by herself. We were also curious as to how she makes money. That dream was shattered after we found out there's no practical way living off grid without doing years of research and having social skills too.
Tell him the moment he quits his job, your marriage is done and you can take over the apartment.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (22 July 2016):
 You have hit a rough patch at the moment, you are settled with what you have, and he is not. He suffers from anxiety and it is like he just wants to escape his life, he wants to sell and start somewhere new that is quiet and away from all his worries. You don't. It does not mean the end of your marriage, it just means you both need to work out a compromise. If you cannot agree with each other maybe go and see a therapist together? Marriage councilor? It may help you both try and see it from each others point of view.
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