A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello. Advice would be really welcome here.In a long distance relationship of over a year. Good times and bad. Currently we had a heated discussion last week which we did not share a view on, and he did what he has done before and totally ignores me saying he needs space to think but no time frame given. I ended up texting him three days after, as we had a special date for us the following day to see if he was coming as planned.We talked for around an hour with nothing really resolved. We were then meant to talk later again, but he made an excuse despite the plan.He didn't come to see me as planned and missed the special day completely. I told him when we spoke and have told him before that this ignoring thing is very upsetting and unsettles me a lot. Even if he feels he needs a bit of time I suggested he time frame it- says give me a day or whatever and I'll text u then, but he doesn't do this, and knows its effect. We text a bit on our special day- nothing major, and the minute I say something about how upset I feel he again leaves the conversation and I haven't heard anything since then, three days ago.I am now thinking this is psychological abuse in a form...what do people think please?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2016): Hi again aunts and thank you for your time and thoughts.
We are now a week on, and I have had no contact still. He hasn't defriended my from fb, which he has done quickly in the past when we have split....but I want to update you as you were so kind to reply, that the longer it goes on for the freer I am feeling. I am getting to the stage where I just don't care if I never hear from him again, and that it is his loss. I know I can do so much better than to be with a man who's behaviour makes me feel like this to such a point I cant even be bothered to talk with him deeply should he contact- I would simply be polite and state the obvious - we aren't a good fit.
Thanks so much xx
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (10 March 2016):
 You have said yourself that he knows how this makes you feel, yet he keeps doing this, so what does this tell you? Do you think you should continue being with someone who thinks it is okay to make you feel like this? Or should you take control and say enough is enough tell him it is over, block him and move on with your life?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 March 2016):
 Dear OP,
I do think it's a kind of abuse. But more manipulation than actual abuse. For you this is one that you can actually "fairly easy" avoid. BY cutting him off, by telling him: " Enough. I will NOT be treated this way. If you can not communicate with me like an adult, I think we need to end it and not communicate at all".
But are you ready for that step?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2016): Hi. I'm the original poster, and I thank you all for your responses. He knows this makes me anxious and preoccupied, and that I am affected badly when he does this. That's why I think its abusive, and feels like punishment. Third day now and I have no idea if hes alive or dead even!
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A
female
reader, Keeley345  +, writes (9 March 2016):
Psychological abuse includes many things and ignoring is one of them. But this situation sounds like someone being impossible and not being able to communicate properly if at all.
Psychological abuse wouldn't apply unless a lot of other things were happening too. He sounds very immature and its down to you what happens next. Do you want to be with someone like this?
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (9 March 2016):
 I agree with all the other lovely aunts. I wouldn't consider what he does abuse as much as I would him being childish and manipulative. Its rather like the old story of the child who is playing ball with the other kids and when things don't go right the child picks up the ball and says "If we can't play my way then I'm taking my ball and going home!"
Long distance relationships are so very difficult to maintain just being the way that they are and to have a partner who won't communicate with you every time things don't go their way? Forget it! You have nothing. If you can't talk to your guy now what makes you think it would get better down the road if you are finally together? Its very probable that he'll still run away and give you the silent treatment, just ice you out for days.
If you want to try, talk to him one more time (that is if he will respond) tell him that you cannot be in a relationship unless there is communication and see how he responds. You know what to do if he ices you out...return the favor..permanently. You deserve better. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 March 2016):
 it's not abuse.
it's childish
it's immature
and it's time for you to end the relationship and stop making excuses for the little boy he is.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (9 March 2016):
 If you are in an LDR and it’s “good times and bad” in a year? Time to cut him loose. An LDR of a year could and should be the biggest longest honeymoon period ever. You only ever see each other when you are ready, you have plenty of time apart to miss each other and no ugly habits to disclose (like you floss your teeth and leave the spitty bits on the mirror).
What did you disagree on? Politics? Whether Kim Kardashian should swallow a camera so we can see all of her? Getting your ears waxed?
If you think you are being abused, well, it’s possible you are. So what are you thinking you should do about this?
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (9 March 2016):
I don't think I would go as far as saying it is abuse. However it sounds like he is very immature and not ready for a relationship. Whenever things get heated he shuts down and remains there for days. It is not healthy. The person you are with should be the person you can talk to.
Does he have any social issues? Does he find it hard to talk about his opinions or feelings? It could be more about social anxiety rather than him trying to hurt you. It is something you both need to talk about face to face not over text. If he is not willing to listen well then I would leave him am afraid.
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (9 March 2016):
I don't know whether I'd call it psychological abuse. I would definitely call it manipulative, petty, rude and downright mean though.
IMO this cat is not ready for a relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2016): My boyfriend ( soon to be ex) does this too- he avoids all issues if he is uncomfortable and gets angry when I try to talk about it. Ignoring and giving the silent treatment is passive aggressive. I would suggest try and talking to him about how his behaviour affects you and the relationship. If he is committed to modifying this, then try to work things out, otherwise be prepared to leave. Not being able to communicate effectively and sort out issues in an adult way just don't bode well for a healthy relationship.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 March 2016):
It's called the "silent treatment" and it is a form of manipulation/abuse.
Here is a definition:
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The silent treatment is an abusive method of control, punishment, avoidance, or disempowerment (sometimes these four types overlap, sometimes not) that is a favorite tactic of narcissists, and especially those who have a hard time with impulse control, that is, those with more infantile tendencies.
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Personally, I would call him on it. If that doesn't make him realize that it's NOT OK, then maybe you need to consider that this WILL not change, THIS is who he is and THIS is how he CHOOSES to treat you. Maybe he isn't really for you.
Remember, you can only change your behavior, not anyone else’s.
So if you are NOT OK with this, tell him, CALL him on it.
"I love you and I want our relationship to be enjoyable and supportive. When you give me the silent-treatment, it makes me think it might not work out. I am going to end this conversation now but look forward to speaking to you when you can speak to me openly without giving me the silent treatment."
Now it might TOTALLY backfire - specially if he is a narcissist. But really what else choice do you have, but to put it out on the open?
Long distance relationships are hard enough without the added pressure of "silent treatments". It's not a healthy way to deal with disagreements.
Personally, I'd put it out there and if he get all up in arms or goes straight to silent treatment, I will regard the relationship as over, block him and move on.
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