A
female
age
30-35,
*say88
writes:Hi guys. I just need some advise. I’m driving myself mad and keep toying between am I just being super paranoid or is my gut instinct trying to tell me something... basically I want to know show I be weary of my partner! We have been together about 8 months now and things progressed quite quickly, he asked me to be his girlfriend about a month or so after meeting, we spend literally all our time together and I was invited on a family holiday with him and his family to America, we had the best time. We are looking at moving in together and have viewed a couple of houses and at the min pretty much live together anyway. I’m very in love with him and he tells me the same back. We have some of the loveliest times and I want to spend my life with him. He just makes my heart happy. The problems though I feel are all in my head. I feel like il lose him if I continue with my accusations. I’m always accusing him of talking to other girls although he says he doesn’t talk to any.. the reason for this is before he even knew me he had a one night stand with a work colleague and they used to hang out etc, he’s from another country so she was one of his best friends when he moved here for work. She still calls now and again and although it’s to do with work, she has asked him for a drink. He said he would never spend time with her now, but I still struggle when I think about her trying to get their friendship back, he’s told me he regrets the one night stand and how they were just friends after that, and wouldn’t let it happen again. Sometimes he goes away for one or two nights with work, and although she doesn’t go, I know that sometimes he says his phone is about to die and I won’t hear from him for a couple of hours. I asked him why because his phones always in hand and he says it’s bexause he’s busy throughout the day and doesn’t really get a chance to charge it so if he is out that night having a few beers or whatever it will obviously die... anyway, recently he was away and we spoke up until about 10pm... then his phone died and I didn’t hear from him till 12.20pm... he said his phone died and he just sat in the hotel bar watching the football highlights which does seem believable but earlier that evening he said he would charge his phone as didn’t want to be bored... so I’m confused how he wasn’t bored for those 2 hours. Anyway, when he came home the next day I was doing the washing and a pair of his boxers which id to take out of his jeans looked like they had a few semen stains on them, and this has made me think maybe he was with someone? He promised me he wasn’t but I haven’t brought up the stains yet and I’m not sure if I should? I know I’m probably being really paranoid, as I have major trust issues because of a past relationship where I was really badly abused and I’ve never had someone so perfect, I think if somethings too good to be true it probably is and I know I’m probably just so insecure. I’m scared to tell him about the stains as I’m worried he will think I’m mental and I’m starting to think maybe I am. I don’t want to lose him but continually accusing him I know I will. He treats me like a princess, always looking after me and tries to reassure me as much as possible. I don’t think he’s really given me a reason to not trust him, so I’m not sure why I struggle to do so.. Should I ask him about the stains?Pls don’t reply if you’re going to attack me, I know im probably being stupid :(
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best friend, insecure, one night stand, semen Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2019): Well, with so much being already said, I would like to tell you from my past experiences that some men are masters of deception. Act as if you believed him, but keep your eyes open (especially run a random check on his DM-s while he's in the bathroom, look for stray hairs on his clothes or different perfume). If he's upto something, you will find it out someday. Go with your gut feeling, cause it's the first indication. And if he comes clean, you might well have a good laugh at your scepticism. Wish you all the best!
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (28 February 2019):
 This isnt an attack, but you are being paranoid. For real. If he cheated, the stains would be on a bedsheet, not his boxers. And he should not have to convince you of wether or not he was bored for two hours. People dont cheat out of boredom. Its not like a fully charged phone prevents cheating. You most definitely will ruin this relationship by constantly accusing him. You need to work on yourself and sort out your issues. Do not move in together until you are at the point where you trust him. And if you never can trust him, end the relationship, because he deserves a woman who is his partner, not accusing and controlling him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2019): Cheaters are experts at making you believe you are important and at treating you well. They can maintain more than one liaison at once because they are narcissistic. And believe if they are meeting all your needs and being good to you then they have nothing to feel guilty about by dabbling somewhere else. So they are giving you a false sense of security to continue their wicked ways. Eyes wide open sweetie. Never trust anyone.
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reader, Without Me  +, writes (27 February 2019):
Usually I dont read other answers before I write, but I did this time. My gut feeling is a little different than your previous replies.
You said your gut feeling was he is up to something...my advice is follow yohr instinct. Yes..you are probably hyper-sensitive because of past experience..maybe a little paranoid too(not saying you are crazy though).
I tend to agree that the stains are probably due to masterbation..or a wet dream..
BUT..I didnt like the information aboht tbe co-worker. He should not be receiving calls from someone he slept with. No..I do not believe it is about work. At best..its disrespectful..but it doesnt feel right. Not sure his profession..but unless she is his supervisor..there is no reason to be talking outside of work. And these one or 2 night business trips..dont like the sound of those either..
I went on many business trips with men that I supervised...many of these people used our frequent travels to then make up other trips that didnt exist to get away from the wife for a couple of days...they werent watching sports highlights.
Checking up on him all the time will not stop him if he is up to something. It is eating away at you though..no doubt. Its up to you whether you address the stains..but I dont think your general concerns should be kept silent. By all means think this through before/ if you choose to have a talk with him. Does he know you had this past negative relationship?? If so..he certainly is aware that you have a difficult time with trust. You cannot continue on feeling this way..and I would not recommend buying a house until you get this straightened out. Until you feel comfortable..you will just get in deeper & deeper.
Lastly..you said..
"I’ve never had someone so perfect, I think if somethings too good to be true it probably is and I know I’m probably just so insecure."
If someone is so perfect..that just doesnt feel right. Before I read the next part that hes too good to be true..I already thought it. You are insecure after a bad relationship. Thats totally understandable..youre not a bad person because you feel insecure. You know how you feel..its your life. Dont write off your gut feeling as simply insecurity. You can be insecure AND he is up to something. It does NOT have to be one or the other.
Please before you act or dont..think this through..this is just my two cents.
The only other thing I can say is in my training as a counselor..my mentor always said if you feel something in your gut, do NOT ignore it. School doesnt make you wise, its not everything..but this was something I learned many years ago and it hasnt proven wrong yet.
Hope this helps..hang in there.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2019): I think you both are moving too fast. You need time to continue your evaluation of his trustworthiness; and to alleviate some of the reservations you may have about his sincerity, and his relationship with his former one-night stand now friend.
You actually monitor his phone activity and keep time-record. WOW!
It takes time to build trust; and to get to know who the person is that you are developing feelings for. Your world-wind romance is not allowing you time to make sound judgement-calls; and maybe he too easily dismisses your concerns. I can't say that for certain, getting only one side of the story; and your side of it seems a little shaky. Although you deserve the benefit of the doubt; considering you are seeking advice before moving forward.
If your gut tells you something is up; just be careful how far your imagination takes you. Base your concerns strcitly on the evidence and not suspicions.
The thing about the boxer shorts. Being a man, I know that when a man becomes aroused, he can leak pre-ejaculate. If he maintains arousal and becomes erect for a period of time, he can stain his underwear. If he's also in his 20's, a guy gets urges when alone and horny. He may have to masturbate to relieve himself; and he doesn't need anybody's help to do that. It's a matter he shouldn't have to answer to; once he's no longer living with his parents, and his mother doesn't wash his underwear. It doesn't prove he had sex.
The question is, when and why did this occur? Would any explanation he gave really alleviate your suspicion? The very nature of your post implies that you might not. You wouldn't believe him, because of her.
How do you know how long the underwear stain was there, and didn't occur because of heavy sexual-arousal with or for you? Do you go through his underwear on a regular basis? If the answer is yes, that is weird. Do you have an underwear fetish?
I guess your next move is to pump the breaks and start to reconsider how deeply you feel for this guy. You can't fully commit when you maintain trust-issues.
Moving-in together and getting a mortgage is foolish under the current circumstances. I want to carefully emphasize this point. It is impetuous, and borders on stupidity; to rush into moving-in and entangling your credit or financial resources with someone you're not married to and hardly know. Think long and carefully about that.
I think people get too eager to commit, before their feelings for their love-interest and familiarity between the couple is sufficiently established. You can't love without trust.
According to your post, his behavior is suspect based on the irregularity of his phone access and response. His phone is always losing its charge. If that's the case, you'd frequently check your phone and charge it. It makes no sense to let it consistently lose charge. How often do you forget to check yours? Maybe you should message him to remind him to charge his phone! I think the explanations he gave to your questions are feasible. Only he knows the truth.
I'm not cautioning you about him, as much as I am cautioning you about yourself. You're barreling ahead even with a head full of suspicions! Substantiated, or unsubstantiated!
All I am saying is this; you should take more time to get your head right. Slow-down or pace your feelings; and if there is anything going on beyond mere suspicion, you should make sure you're ready for commitment. Delay intertwining your income and credit with someone you're uncertain you even trust to be faithful to you. Don't carry suspicions in your mind and proceed without getting to the bottom of them.
Address the underwear issue; because you're going to drive both him and yourself nuts from suspicion and distrust. He knew his female-friend before he met you; so you also have to check your insecurity about their relationship. You seem to be very busy building a case against him; yet you're considering possibly getting a mortgage loan and moving-in together. Don't tangle-up your credit and incomes; then decide you want to bail-out. You could ruin both your credit-ratings; if neither can afford to carry the mortgage alone.
You might also have legal-problems; if he decides to kick you out and assume full financial-responsibility for the property. I doubt you nor I, would want to dish-out our hard-earned incomes to pay the bills for someone cheating on us; or we cannot fully trust.
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reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (27 February 2019):
 Wow! What a cad! He had a one night stand with a work colleague and remained on friendly terms afterwards. How dare he! I am joking of course. Hopefully you will see my point.
Yes, bring up the semen stains (which may not even be semen stains at all). That will give him chance to run for the hills. Even if they ARE what you suspect, he could have been watching porn while he was away and masturbating, or even worn the boxers in bed and had a wet dream. Numerous possible explanations, even that it was not semen at all.
Sweetheart, if you don't heal what hurt you, you will bleed on those who did not cut you. He is not the boyfriend who hurt you in the past. You need to get past the hurt you felt. That was not HIS fault. Either learn to trust him or let him go, as he does not deserve to be paying for what someone else did to you.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2019): You need to get a grip of yourself quickly. Get help from a mental health professional if you can as you are fast heading to killing your relationship. Imagine reading an article in a paper about a man who would react badly to his partner if she was out of reach for more that two hours, or was checking her underwear for signs of infidelity. You would agree that was abusive. You are baby steps from that position. Nothing. Repeat nothing you describe is evidence of him cheating. Two hours is the time it takes to watch TV, catch up with a friend, or just have a drink and a think. Stains on his shorts--he might have been wearing them in bed or had a sexy dream, had a random fantasy in the bus, or he might have been eating yoghurt for breakfast.Your strategy is lose/lose. You can't stop partners from cheating with constant questions and hypergvigilance, but you can piss them off enough that they leave you for being pathologically paranoid, either way-cheating or lack of trust, they leave you. Fix yourself.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 February 2019):
 YOU need to deal with this ASAP or you will lose him. NO ONE, I will repeat, NO ONE will accept being accused of things they didn't do and continue to feel loved and continue to love that accuser.
He will have a breaking point. And then you will be ass out of luck.
He has given you NO REAL reasons or proof that he is cheating or WOULD cheat on you.
He did the RIGHT thing in NOT meeting up with his "friend"/ONS out of RESPECT for his relationship with you.
THESE are YOUR insecurities to FIX, not for him to PLACATE you with reassurance and love. You have found a good one and you are SHITTING all over him EVERY time you accuse him, Think about that for a minute.
And then think about this, HOW would you feel if HE was the one CONSTANTLY accusing you of cheating?
WHY are you with him if you think he can cheat on you? And don't say "because I love him", that is a cop out. Just because you LOVE someone doesn't means you should accept being cheated on, OR being accused of cheating.
A HEALTHY relationship NEEDS trust. From both sides.
My advice? Get help on how you can work on your insecurities and GET them under control. If he isn't cheating he doesn't DESERVE being treated like this. It's NOT OK.
Secondly, DO NOT buy a house with him until this is resolved. Buying a house or having a kid or whatever deeper commitment DOESN'T fix this. It will ONLY complicate things when the relationship ends, and yes.. if you keep this up, IT WILL.
Sperm in his boxers doesn't mean squat, other than he CAME while wearing them. So what? He creamed his boxers. THAT is it.
Not being at your beck and call CONSTANTLY... SO what? I know your generation thinks you can control things if you only text people to death, and know where they are 24/7. But you can't. YOU can't MAINTAIN a relationship through texting.
My husband and I don't call and text if we are not in the same place, if he is at work or I'm out and about. Why WOULD we? We can talk when we see each other. My husband spend a "dude weekend" with friends hunting (though the weather was so bad that they stayed in the cabin, cooking, eating, talking and drinking a few beers. I didn't talk to him that weekend until he called to say they were on the way back. I heard ALL about the weekend when he GOT back, IN person.
Maybe you need to CUT down on the whole texting and calling him. Be a tad more realistic with the whole constant contact.
And maybe he NEEDS a break from the CONSTANT calls and text and that is why his "phone dies" when he is away. He needs a little peace and quiet. Doesn't mean he doesn't love you and care for you and it doesn't mean he isn't faithful. It just means when he is AWAY for work, he is WORKING, socializing with coworkers (and not in an inappropriate manner) or networking. It's what PEOPLE do.
Lastly, KNOW THIS. YOU can not PREVENT someone from cheating on you by accusing them, going through their phone, stuff or otherwise monitor them. EITHER you have a faithful partner OR you don't.
If you were cheated on in the past you NEED to let that go. THAT was ANOTHER guy in your past, you can not hold your current guy responsible for what another man did.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 February 2019):
 Actually,the simplest explanation is that he's been masturbating with his underwear and jeans on :) ( It makes sense, I don't think too many people would be so tidy to undress totally, when awake and alone in a hotel room, just in order to rub off a quick one …)
So no, I would not ask him anything (… nor, btw, would I wash the underwear of a man I am just dating since only 8 months. A husband ? Probably yes, if that's how we have divided house chores and he does plenty else around the house. A boyfriend ?-no way. But I digress… ) You are already sort of keeping him on a tight leash, if a 2 hours ( ! ) communication break needs to be explained , justified and documented ( no, he wasn't bored . He was watching the football highlights , which would bore me or you or another person to death, but if he likes that, why should he be bored ? ) ;if he also feels he must justify his occasional masturbation,... then you turn into a mom ,( and an intrusive one ), not a lover.
Can I honestly guarantee you that mine is the ONLY possible explanation ?: No, of course. Technically, he °could ° have stained his garments while having sex with them on- like in the toilet of a club or a parking lot , stuff like that. But ,- beside the fact that ,if he wanted to misbehave , he had the comfort and privacy of his hotel room and he did not need to hide somewhere to do stuff with his clothes on-., the main thing is that, as you say , so far he has not done anything to make you doubt him or disbelieve him. If so far not only he has treated you well and made you happy, but you have consistently found him reliable, open and sincere, then he has earned the right to your trust- and to be presumed innocent until found guilty.
You will have to decide if, based on his loving, respectful behaviour so far, you can make a leap if faith and CHOOSE to trust him- or if your insecurities, due to your past experiences, have too strong a hold on you, and in this case, you might as well terminate the relationship yourself- because it won't last anyway. Your insecurity and constant need for reassurance may feel tolerable , in fact even sweet and endearing, in the honeymoon stage of a relationship, but it gets stale pretty soon and a bofriend who is never doing , or thinking if doing, anything reproachable, eventually gets tired of having his every move questioned ( and his underwear inspected … )
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female
reader, Ksay88 +, writes (27 February 2019):
Ksay88 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionN91 - thank you for your reply. I know I’m being really stupid, I suffer from really bad anxiety and have done for a few years since a really bad previous relationship, I’ve never really been with someone who’s treated me right and then when someone really perfect comes along I don’t know how to deal with it and just assume they’re going to hurt me too. My boyfriend is so patient with me, he reassures me when I need it and he’s just lovely. I guess I am very insecure and just always feel he can do better. In my last relationship, my ex tortured me a lot, was alwYs very nasty to me and I knew when it ended I had a lot of trust issues and insecurities. I started counselling last week for my anxiety. It does make me over think and assume the worst most of the time and my over thinking is honestly the worst thing. I’d be so stupid to lose him over my own made up scenarios in my head, and il do my very best to overcome them. I think he really is just a good guy and that’s just not something I’m used to.
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reader, N91 +, writes (27 February 2019):
 You can’t cherry pick which advice you’re going to receive I’m afraid, you’ve come to a website where people offer their insight on a question and it’s there to be read whether you like it or not.
I think you have pretty much 0 evidence to believe he’s cheating. From reading your post I struggled to find anything that would even remotely peak my interest to suggest he may be looking for something outside of your relationship.
So he doesnt text you for a few hours and says his phone died. Okay, so do you believe him or not? Peoples phones die very often. My GF always seems to be on something ridiculous like under 10% whenever I catch a glimpse and she’s often asking to put it on charge when we’re together. I’ve had instances where she’s been on a night out and I’ve not heard anything until the morning. It doesn’t even enter my head that she could be cheating on me, because I have no reason to believe she would be doing.
He told you he was watching football. You ask how wasn’t he bored? Well, he told you, he was watching football. What’s suspicious there?
He was working away from home, he may of felt horny and needed to relieve himself and then some semen may of dribbled onto his boxers when he put them back on? That’s a regular occurrence for guys. Surely that’s a more plausible excuse than instantly jumping to him cheating?
What has he ACTUALLY done to put the idea he may cheat in your head? You say nothing, but there must be something or else you wouldn’t feel this way.
He’s doing his part, treating you well and reassuring you but all he’s receiving in return is accusations. I really wouldn’t blame the guy for walking away, there’s nothing else he could do here is there? Not everyone out there will treat you like shit. I’ve seen countless posts of people self sabotaging their relationship for no good reason. Their partner treating them well yet they push them away because they can’t get over their insecurities.
Sounds like you may need councilling to get to the bottom of why you can’t get over the issue. Looks like you’ll be pushing him to his breaking point if you don’t actively try to solve things.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2019): Could it be that he masturbated?
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