A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I need some advice...I'm married...have been for a few years. My husband is a good guy in that he takes good care of me, I don't have to work or worry about money and our lives are pretty easy and simple, our families get along and my parents love him and him me, etc. We don't have any kids and we move all the time so we don't own a home or anything. Like I said, life is simple. He is, however, a HUGE arse. Like he is so opinionated and you must agree with him, he makes jokes at my expense, puts me down, has been physical with me on a few occaissions but none recently and I wasn't ever hurt. About six months into our marriage we stopped having sex except when he forced or guilted me into it because I am horribly turned off by him and everything about him annoys me. I think it's because he makes me feel like crap and is also incredibly selfish in the bedroom. He's also controlling, hates my friends and won't ever let me go out or anything even though in young and want to enjoy my youth before we have kids. He, however, can travel all over with the guys and party a couple times a year and I am unreasonable for being upset. I resent him for this. Anyway, we separated a while back. I wasn't sure if I wanted a divorce...well I mean I did but I couldnt emotionally let go yet. So long story short (tons of details left out here) I started having an affair. This has been going on for a year. I actually lived with the other man for about 8 months of this...no job or friends or other resources in my town to speak of and it wasn't planned but what was supposed to last a weekend turned into 8 months. We loved each others company. The affair was emotional first. We were friends before it started, then came the feelings and last came the sex, several months into it. He actually turned me down for quite some time when I came onto him because he didn't want me to get back with ny husband and have anything to feel guilty for. After a while we realized we were in love. He treats me like I am the only woman in the world. He takes care of me. He is a blast. We have many of the same hobbies, share the same values and goals in life down to many of the tiniest details. I never believed in soul mates before, but the way we are always having the same thoughts, say the same things at the same time...etc etc I find myself wondering if I really have found my soulmate. We have had a few disagreements, but never an argument, ever. We comminuciate easily and effectively and resolve issues quickly. We are both peaceful and laid back, while my husband seems to love conflict and competition. One of the things I love most about my boyfriend is how much he cares for other people and puts them first. He is the most empathetic person I have ever met. He is also the most physically attractive person I have ever seen--no kidding. In my eyes even celebrities and the traditional 'sexiest people' pale in comparison. I have no idea how someone like him could be attracted to someone like me. I feel like damaged goods and he is this amazing, healthy (mentally and physically) strong, sweet, caring person. He is the first man that ever made love to me-- I never knew there was such a difference between making love and sex. The emotional connection is overwhelming. When people see us together they have told us they can literally feel the energy between us even when we are just looking at each other from across a room. We talk 24/7...from the time we open our eyes from the time we fall asleep. He is the first man I have ever NOT felt jealousy with. He is even friends with some of his ex's and has introduced me and I am completely at ease with that. I am so comfortable in his feelings for me. He also is not jealous. He never questions where I am or who I am with and just wishes me a great time when I do things without him. I could ramble all day about how perfect our relationship seems, but I'll stop here :)That being said, I feel like if something is too good to be true, it probably is. Since I have never had a healthy relationship...by have learned from all my bad ones, I have tried to keep my eyes open for ANY red flags and I have asked about him to everyone we both know. I've even met his family (they know my marriage situation and don't hate me---they say the understand and think I'm a sweet girl and wish me the best). All the friends I've asked of both sexes give him glowing reviews, even ex's. The only bad thing I have ever heard is from his ex fiancé who swore he hit her (apparently this was when he found out she cheated...he threw her out...she filed charges and then dropped them...then tried to get him back for some time and still does every so often). That one scared the crap out of me...but even she says now he didn't hit her, just forced her out of his house. So anyway, I told my husband about him. I figured it would spawn a divorce. It didn't, he wanted to reconcile, so we kind of did. Basically I was just waiting for him to get nasty with me again so I could leave. But I think he is aware of this so he has been trying to be really nice. The put downs and stuff continue but he always apologizes now. My boyfriend knows this and has been waiting for me for four months to come home. I feel totally stuck. My family says they will never meet my boyfriend and figure something is seriously wrong with him if he got involved with me. They think he'll turn out to be a bad guy. It kills me.I've asked my husband for a divorce like 5 times. He ignores it. And then I get too scared to do anything on my own because I am afraid life will be really hard on my own. And i am afraid of how hard it will be if I spend my life with my boyfriend and my family wants nothing to do with our family. Its so sad to think about.Then I start wondering if the life I know with my boyfriend is real again or if he is hiding some jerk underneath all of his goodness. I can't see any man being so perfect and waiting so long for me of that was the case though...the jerks I've dated in the past have no problem moving on quickly, usually before we even break up (lol). The life with my husband would definitely be easier initially. I've tried breaking it off with my boyfriend several times because of that and because I don't want to make him unhappy by making him go through this. He said if that's what makes me happy he will let me go. It's unbearably hard and I usually get physically sick after a day or two and I go back and apologize. He is always so understanding and says of course he is still here for me as he knows what I'm going through. I haven't seen him in months. I want to go home to him....I just feel like I don't know how to get to that point. What should I do?!!? Do I just jump and go for him? Or do I take the safe route and hope my feelings for him fade and maybe after a long time I can care for my husband again...only maybe wake up in several years and regret it? I'm so lost and scared and confused.I know you'll probably suggest counseling. I've been in it for two years. It's what made me realize how bad my husband was and that I needed to separate for a while. Other than that it has not helped me make any progress whatsoever.
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affair, divorce, his ex, jealous, money, my ex, puts me down, soul mates, soulmate Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2010): Did you mention the physical and emotional abuse in your original post? I think not. You left out this vital vital piece of information. I just read your updates and I am stunned.
Please ( and this is to all OPs as well) put in as much info as possible when you write in. It gives us the complete picture instead of just dribs and drabs.
Based on your recent revelation of the abuse I have the ffg to say:
Being in any abusive relationship is a No No
No matter how much of apparent love it does not justify any form of abuse and staying (or going back) to the abuser makes it worse. It is like saying 'go ahead,one more slap/punch is ok. It Is Not!
Instead of moving from your hb to your lover, cool off.. You have possibly used your. Lover as a rebound relationship. This is not fair.
So, You may have less after you divorce your hb BUT at least no more abuse.
Ultimately you need to make a decision but learn to stand on your own two feet. You will appreciate and value it more .
Maybe you need to cut your lover loose. You may lust after him for the amazing sex but you are still tied to your hb. So work on this dependency on him.
I don't have anything else to tell you except this: love yourself and value yourself. If u don't you cannot expect anyone else to.
LoveGirl
A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (26 October 2010):
 Whatever you have with your husband right now is not love. He has hurt you and torn you, he will continue to do so. You cannot delude yourself into thinking that there is hope for this man. Though I have always lived by the fact that many people change, I carry doubt in my heart that this man, your husband, would change for the better. I highly doubt he would change in the way you want him to. Whatever care he shows does not redeem him from hurting you. Do not be afraid to leave him for this new boyfriend you have, do not be afraid of the future, instead look to what you have now and know that you will be safe with him. No one man or woman attracts specific type of people, one man hurt you, that does not mean this new man will turn out the same. You have come across something so many people are dying to find. This real, pure, invulnerable love you have for your boyfriend should be reason enough to end things with your abusive husband. Your boyfriend will be good to your family, do you not agree? More so than your current husband ever could be.
I hope that helps.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAlso, yes my counselor knows everything. We came to the conclusion of a separation because my husband physically abused me and the verbal abuse was escalating to the point where I was losing my ambition and showing signs of situational depression. The other man came much later.
My family is not angry and they don't think I've made a mess of my life. They think I absolutely made the right decision in separation from my husband and they think the bf and I are good together, however they really care about my h and want is to work it out while they have never met my bf and said they may have a hard time respecting him.
I don't want perfection :) I am well aware I am not perfect (look at this mess!!!) I am only looking for happiness and I want this to be resolved in the way that is best for everyone and causes the least amount of pain. It would be foolish to think no one will hurt (I will either way, as will one of these men) but I wish that could be so because I truly do care about both of them and while my actions may seem to say otherwise I haven't done any of the things I have done to hurt someone, my motivation was always caring and trying to do the right thing. Problem is...when you care about two people to love one is to hurt the other, so every move I make makes one of them feel better and the other feels pain. It's a horrible predicament to be in, though I know I have no one to blame but myself. I just want to make the right choice with what the situation as it is now because I can't change the past, I can only try to make what I can right in the future. Thanks again for the replies everyone :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for the advice. My heart does tell me to go for my bf and stop dragging everyone through this. Then something snaps inside of me and I think of what I might regret in leaving my husband. I compiled a list of my pros and cons and I thought I would share and see if anyone has any insight to them. I have the problem of not being able to see clearly in this at all because the feelings for both are so different and I am so afraid of so many things.
I would also like to clarify to one of the below posters that I did get a job and was taking care of myself, I jus hadn't saved enough to get an apartment and my husband was taking most of my money to pay bills with because he said I owed that to him when we were separated. I never used my husband, either. I was doing great financially and was an independent woman when we began dating, however a few months into our dating he moved me halfway across the country and continued to do so every year. He didn't like me working but he did acquiesce when I held several part time jobs. I was also a student. So I said I didn't have to work, not that I lived off anyone. I pulled my weight when living with m boyfriend, was only supposed to be there a weekend and we decided it best for me to save and continue living there because he like having me there and I liked being there. That's all.
Here is my list:
Good with h: comfortable. Might work with a lot of counseling. Financial security. Familiar. He will never leave me. He takes really good care of me especially when I'm sick. We have a lot of memories. My family loves him and wants us to work. He loves me and I know this despite the abuse.
Good with bf: Passionate and comfortable love. Makes me feel safe. Amazing sex. Fun all the time. Same goals and values. He is good to me and cares about me. He is mentally stable and healthy. Want to share everything together. No jealousy and besides it's environment the relationship is incredibly healthy. He encourages me in all my aspirations.
Fears with h: he may continue to be abusive. What if he plays nice until we have kids and then abuses again...I can't do that to kids. Not at all attracted to him, I cringe when he touches me. He is annoying and needy. Will probably always look back and wonder about bf and miss him. Jealousy and control issues in all aspects of life. Has had online affairs and has a possible sexual addiction. Wants to mold me into his view of who I should be.
Fears with bf: will be harder with my family. Will be harder financially. Have to deal with divorce. Not as secure: what if trust issues break us? What if I only attract abusers and the man I know doesn't last forever? What if our relationship doesn't last forever and I miss h?
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael +, writes (24 October 2010):
I did not even want to bother reading the rest of it, after you described the 'glowing' comments from even his ex's, I literally wanted to jump up at my computer screen and yell out "GET WITH THIS MAN ALREADY!". To hell with the risk, give up something nearly torturous for something heavenly. Never be afraid of opportunity, here you have the opportunity for an amazing relationship, one that could last a lifetime with a smile every day for the rest of your life. I would say that no matter what happens, anything would be better than staying with your current husband. Be with this man who I know you love, somehow, I could have sworn that I could feel such energy across the vastness of distance, even if I do not know you, even if I have no idea who you or your boyfriend are. I wish you the best and I know you will have it.
I hope that helps.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2010): You are looking for perfection but u are not perfect yourself.
You started off your drama saying your hb is/was a good guy . He provides for u and so forth but he is opinionated and the like, puts you down etc.
You then found a lover. In fact u knowingly and purposefully ran after him and you made him yours. You are married yet you chose to betray your marriage.
Yes your lover may be too good to be true. After all u go back like a ping ball and you expect him to be faithful to u while u cheat on your hb.
I think your family can see what a mess you have made of your life and they are angry. That is expected.
I find that you live off people. You lived off your hb and then your lover. Why can u not get a job and pay for yourself. This is a user in disguise.
I don't know what the future holds for you but you cannot string both your hb and your lover along.
Seems to me you and your hb are very well suited for each other. Only your lover is losing out.
In the end u need to make some harsh choices. But u need to grow up first.
You say you have been in counseling for 2 yrs and that the counselor made u realise just how bad your marriage was therefore you left your hb??? Change counsellors. Does your consellor know that you took a lover soon after leaving your hb. I think your counselor did more harm than good . I think u took your counselors advice out of context therefore you have now gone down the affair path.
Get a job and pay for your keep. You have a very easy life. Start making changes within and start cleaning up your act.
Your lover, as good as you say he is, must move on but this time he must find a single woman and not someone else wife.
I really think u need to change counselors and start getting your act together. Your hb is not your enemy. He took you back even after you cheated.
I think u and your hb need professional marriage counselling.them if the marriage had to end at least you both tried.
I find it strange that your lover is waiting patiently for your return. Does he not have someone to take away the loneliness while waiting for his married lover.
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, lacrymosa_652  +, writes (24 October 2010):
 I'm probably a bit out of my depth here because I'm quite young and this concerns marriage etc.
I will say that just because something is so great doesn't mean it can't last or it's too good to be true. I'm happy for you that you found somebody who is so perfect for you, and I only wish you'd found him earlier in your life!
It sounds as if you really love your bf and want to be with him, but the situation with your husband is holding you back. Ask yourself, if you stayed with him, would you truly be happy? What if he goes back to his old ways once he knows you've permanently left the other guy? Plus, you may always be thinking "what if" which will effectively damage your relationship with your husband anyway.
I know your family won't be happy if you left your husband, but sometimes you have to do what makes YOU happy. So ask yourself, what would make you happy?
Don't be afraid of experiencing something wonderful because there's the possibility you may lose it. If you do decide to get back together properly with your boyfriend, don't be nervous about what the future may hold.. just go into it happily and be glad you've found someone wonderful and make the most of your time together. Don't be scared that it may end, because for all you know, it could last forever :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI needed to add one more detail...
For a while my bf and I had no contact because I didn't have a phone and was busy trying o figure things out. It was an agreed thing between us that it was okay if I could only call once in a while. One night he cheated. He says absolutely no sex, I told him I didn't want any more details than that as what can I say about it after all due to the situation. It has raised a fee doubts in my mind from time to time though. This was a while back.
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