A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am a mid 40s woman who has been involved with a married (now separated) woman for over a year. We have lived together all the time we've known each other. Her estranged husband knows about our relationship. She and I had been talking for some time of eventually getting married. She filed for separation and was preparing to continue with divorce proceedings when we learned her husband became ill, was hospitalized and has now been deemed mentally incompetent. This means he cannot make any decisions and refuses to name anyone to power of attorney. Basically this means all court/divorce issues have come to a standstill. Now what?I feel so helpless and have no one to talk to about this. My g/f is so pre-occupied with making sure she doesn't lose the house (he) was living in, I feel the relationship slipping away, although she assures me I do have her. I want to support her but I feel so cheated by these new circumstances. We have been fighting A LOT recently - mostly concerning the above.I don't want to lose her, but I'm tired of crying a lot lately and feeling so isolated with dealing with this alone. Family is not an option (they just don't get it - or me, for that fact) and I don't have any friends (just a few aquaintances).Does anyone have any thoughts to share besides "run the other way" or "you knew what you were getting into"? I love her and I'm hurting. Words of encouragement or support would be greatly appreciated too.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2009): what if this was your husband, and some woman came and he immediately moved out. The letter says that ("family is not an option" for support and that "they just don't get it-or me"). Doesn't that tell you something? I know you want to reassure someone but what if this was your husband and "you" were having the breakdown? It seems clear that if he is not even mentally capable and having a complete breakdown when the divorce proceeds, that this is the case. Would you want someone giving the other person that advice? Marriage "is" sacred. And I have been married for 25 years. It is a shame when society has gone so downhill that they we people who would do something like that instead of doing the right thing.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2009): firstly i must say what a harsh message from the anonymous person.
What ever brought you and your partner together is anyone's guess. Slagging you off as a marriage wrecker is just a waste of time. I can only assume this person has been shit on from a great hight and you're getting the brunt of it. That said back to your problem.
I can see you are frighened of loosing your girlfriend, but as said earlier by another aunt, you do have each other and you need to give support. At the end of the day a marriage is little more than a piece of paper. It doesn't make you love someone more or less. I'm assuming your girlfriend has put time and money into her marrital home and needs her share of money from it to secure her future. You need to get legal advice on what to do next. Obviously her ex also needs help and probably a little compassion.
Please try to stop overreacting to this 'blip' and focus on helping your partner deal with all her issues, including i suppect feeling sad about what has happened to her ex. She may no longer love him but it doesn't mean she doesn't care about what is happening to him.
Hang on in there I wish all three of you happiness xxx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2009): Well, sorry I am not starting this off with the support you are looking for, but I will end it that way. First of all, we couldn't call this "moral" support anyway, could we? Since no matter what the situation, you were living with someone who was married. When you do something wrong there is a such thing as "karma", kind of what goes around comes around. You said you have "lived together since you first met", so I am assuming (and could be wrong), that she went straight from her husband to you. She was not divorced, and that time her husband was "not mentally ill or incompetent". So, in all likelihood, his wife moving out of the house and immediately moving in with you must have had a very negative effect on his sanity. Some people take marriages very seriously you know. Then you say at the point that he became mentally ill and incompetent at the same time that your girlfriend and his wife was preparing for divorce proceedings? That seems like an odd coincidence doesn't it? Then he "refuses togive anyone power of attorney so the divorce cannot go through". Well, what does that say? That even when he is incompetent, he knows one thing, he didn't want the divorce". You're lucky at some point he didn't just come in and strangle you in the night. And now you are upset that she is focusing on "losing the house" and you are not getting any support? Well, then, here's my support, since nobody else seems to be able to offer you any that know the situation cause they don't understand. You stepped into someone else's marriage. The husband obviously was so upset he had a nervous breakdown, your girlfriend is only worried about the house, and you aren't getting the attention you feel you need. Well, how about finding yourself a person who isn't married, getting some morals and get the heck out of the situation. Sorry your not getting the attention, but frankly, you don't deserve any, which is why nobody you know will support you. You deserve nothing but negative, your girlfriend who only cares about the house should get a big swift kick in the butt, and I feel sorry for the husband who committed himself to being married to that thing and now needs serious help because he as so betrayed, and all he gets is her wanting the house. I hope he gets better, divorces her, finds someone more deserving, and leaves her (and you) with nothing. Maybe you should try to do something right for a change, Maybe that's why things don't go well for you. Get out of that relationship and help someone else. It wont mend their marriage, but at least it might help him snap out of it enough to have the stability to get divorced". Then if you two decide to shack up, then best of luck. You deserve each other. There's my words of support.
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady  +, writes (16 July 2009):
 This sounds like it is hard for both of you, but I feel that you are being a bit selfish here. Frankly, the fact that you mention running away because she is going through a hard time is very worrisome. I think it would be good for you to ease back and support her through all the mess that's going on. This is your time to show that you are a good partner even in the bad times. It's not a big deal that your marriage has been put off for a while - after all, she is not going anywhere and you two are still together and in love, right? What is marriage going to change about that?
There's also the possibility that she will lose respect and love for you because you keep throwing tantrums about not getting married on your schedule.
So seriously, lighten up on her. This situation will pass.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Jason32477 +, writes (16 July 2009):
 Relax.Give support to your gf.The circumstances that she is going through are beyond her control.Marriage is just a piece of paper.Its the relationship and love that count.Its hard for me to see why you are fighting with her.If you can think of any solutions to these problems talk to her about it.Other wise dont mention them,or it will only make things worse.If marriage means that much to you consider an informal wedding.One that isnt legally binding.You can always go back and get the court paper at a later date.
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