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anonymous
writes: On 6th December 2006 i submitted a question as a result of having caught my wife on 4th July 2006 kissing and cuddling with another man. This had been going on for 18 months,after 28 years of marriage. Meetings were limited to 15 to 30 minutes a time in the front of his van, parked on local car parks.They are both adamant that it was a friendship that had grown out of hand but that no sexual activity had taken place. At the time of submitting the question she told me that she had not even spoke to him since. We have been trying to rebuild our marriage and even been to 'relate'. Last night, 12th January 2007, i caught her on the phone to him. She now admits that they have phoned each other on a weekly basis but have not met since 4th July 2006. He still tell her that he loves her,but tells everyone else that she keeps pestering him. but she says that to her he is just a friend who tells her what she likes to hear. Amongst all of this she is adamant that I am the one she wants, but she cannot stop phoning him - 'its a bit like a alcoholic-I know that i shouldn't phone him but something inside pushes me to'. Several articles that i have read say that these circumstances are not at all uncommon in women going through the menopause. She has promised to see the doctor and having now accidentally overheard her 'lover' telling me what I know for a fact to be lies, and even denying the trysts to other people,she is convinced of the error of her ways and vows to get medical attention and severe all connections with him. has anyone else out there had experience of menopause driven emotional affairs, or am i living in cloud cuckoo land believing in them?
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male
reader, HDronnie  +, writes (27 October 2011):
As I'm reading your artical I feel that I just wrote it myself. My situation is very similiar, if not identical. That is what brought me to your question in the first place.
My wife and I have been married for 24 years. I am 7 years older than her.Though I dont know if that has to do with any of this.
We had met a couple about a year ago and because of our similaritys we became close, (I mean Very Close) very quickly. We did everything together. Trips, hot tub gatherings, dinners etc. Things seemed fine until my wife started sneeking out. I knew somthing was up but didn't persue it. It was when we went on a motorcycle trip with this couple that things went haywire. They flerted with each other uncontrollably for the entire vacation. it was the vacation from Hell. When we finally got home my wife chose to sleep in the quest room. That's when I confronted her and she told me they had become very close friends and met privatly and have feelings for one another. My wife is 47 years of age and still very attractive. I don't have to continue with the rest of the story because it is exactly as yours. the phone calls, the meetings, it all continued. My wife claims she is totally devoted to me but when they meet, even in puplic, her face brightens up like I havnt seen since we dated. She is now in the thick of menopause and she still asks many questions about him on a daily basis. In my opinion she thinks of him more than I know.
Oh did mention; her mother went throught the same thing during her menopausal period. There marriage didn't survive it.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2007): Having been in a marriage for 27 years, of which the last 15 were adulterous because of the affairs of the woman who called herself my wife, I think I can speak with some authority. Despite her conduct, I stuck with it, in the hope that she would grow out of it. Besides the cheating, she serially lied to anyone who would listen. Two years ago I became ill, had surgery and have recovered, but with some remaining impediments She wasn't prepared to put up with "the wreck you have become", and instituted divorce proceedings.
It wasn't easy both emotionally and financially, but now that the drama is over I have been told by some of her erstwhile confidantes, now that they have seen through her lies, that the settlement she got was far too much, but that whatever the price was, it was still a bargain to be rid of her.
Some women never grow up, and want to be bubble-gummers all of their lives. If you want my advice, its get rid of the cheating woman, and write her out of your life, but without hate and spite. If you don't it will eventually eat you up. You will probably lose much in the process as I have, but you will recover your peace of mind and a bit of dignity that she has robbed you of.
Perhaps another custodian will come along who will treat your soul with the gentleness you need... but don't go looking - if it happens well and good but don't make that your mission.
Besides, making her available will be a great punishment to her lover, because he probably doesn't really want her either. And you will disvest her of the juvenile thrill of doing the unpermissable. Then she will want you back but you wouldn't be foolish enough to take her back would you?
Liars in relationships don't cherish them enough and they will do the same again.
Good luck Buddy, be strong. Take your life and destiny back. There is a life after a cheating, ageing, immature teeny.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2007): Well, I am 51 years old and I'm smack-dab in the middle of menopause myself and although I am 'a tad bitchier with a lot of hot flashes', I have absolutely no desire to mess around or cheat on my partner. Why? Because, I love him! I could not fathgom doing this. I'd be interested in reading this article because any research I have done on menopause (and I have done a lot of it) I have never heard of this. Does it state anything about the fact, that your wife blatantly lied and was decietful to you. I would say that's more of a 'character' problem rather than a menopausal problem. People usually lie when they have something to hide. And I'm hard pressed to believe that the hormonal fluctuations of menopause would cause this.
What I do feel however is you are hurting and you are looking for any rational reason to explain her sudden change in behaviour. To me, it seems likely she just got complacent and strayed. I think you are wise to go to 'relate' and keep trying to understand why this happened. Your marriage likely needs boundries and she needs to be told..that lying and dishonesty is not love and it shatters the trust, that you both have shared for years. You both need to work together to find a solution if you feel this marriage is worth saving. It sounds like you have invested many years with this woman and you don't want to give up on your marriage easily. Then do that...fight for what you have with her. But lay the boundries down and really, really accept that you, yourself will have to also put in the efforts it will take to making this work, as well as her. Good luck and take care.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2007): I am of menopausal age and must admit that I feel a bit the way I did when I was going through puberty...but that is me and with those changes does not necessarily come the perogative to regress and act less mature. Your wife sounds as if she wants to have her cake and eat it too and it is not fair to you. Somehow you need to regain your footing in this relationship and not tolerate being disrespected in this way. From some of the things you said in your post it sounds as if your wife would panic if she lost you...you are her security and in her own way I do not doubt that she loves you but she is just wondering what else is out there...she may need to be careful as I think there is only so much you should tolerate.
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male
reader, eddie +, writes (13 January 2007):
 Tell her to get rid of her cell phone. Neither of them respect you. Confront the man and tell him in no uncertain terms what the deal is. As a matter of fact, bring your wife with you and let her do the talking. To believe they sat in the van and did nothing is not realistic. You have been trying to rrebuild the marriage, only you. If you decide to give her another chance, that's your choice BUT, you are entitled to call ALL the shots and make the rules.
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reader, cd206  +, writes (13 January 2007):
 As someone who's only really watched her mother go through the menopause maybe I'm not qualified to advise you but I want to give it a shot. Like you I've heard about this happening in menopausal women and it's great that your wife has agreed to see her doctor about this. However it doesn't change the fact that you're finding it hard to deal with this. Have you told her that it really hurts you to think about losing her to this man? Or that you know you can't tell her what to do but that you're finding it hard to deal with the thought of her still being in touch with this man? It sounds to me that she isn't thinking of your feelings, only of her own, and possibly (something which is also common of menopausal women) is unable to see anyone else has problems. If this should fail suggest going back to relate to sort these things out. I don't genuinely think from what you've said that she wants to be with this other guy, just that she is feeling irrational and taking it out on you. I hope this helps.
CD
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male
reader, Big boy +, writes (13 January 2007):
 That’s your wife you’re talking about and another man, if he respected you he would not have kissed her or started any flirtation of any sort. Am not saying to go and fight no, but just need to stand your grounds, she has told you that she loves you, and has actually been to the doctors for help. Just make sure that she really want to be with you, not him, you can’t eat two cakes at the same time. If it’s you she wants to be with then keeping away from him should not be a problem. Speak to your wife and properly if she is really ready to make marriage to work out. Just be careful the way you go about the situation.
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