A
female
age
41-50,
*oves2cook
writes:Here is my dilemma with some background: I've been married almost 21 years. Late last year I had sex with someone else one time. Felt bad and my husband could tell so when he asked I confessed instead of lying. He promptly kicked me out. We were separated 4 months but are now back together. Less than two Weeks after he told me to leave he went to a massage parlor. Not for a massage. I knew because of the post he put on Facebook the morning after and I just know him so well. Finally got the nerve to ask him about it because it's been killing me. He heard about it through friends that go and it was a fantasy of his. He admitted going but claims it didn't work because he couldn't get me and the guy I cheated on him with out of his head. Said he could not get hard, it was a horrible experience and he'd never go back. I know for a fact the women there are ridiculously beautiful and willing to do anything. My question is: can this possibly be the truth? Is it possible it didn't work? Do men really work that way or was it a lie to spare my feelings and keep his "image" looking good, so he can say he never had sex with anyone else? Honest answers please. He's lied about other experiences in the past hence my trouble believing. Also, what are the chances he'll go again? Thanks
View related questions:
facebook Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2012): i know that if i have a lot on my mind (e.g. When my ex cheated on me) i found it hard to get aroused for many months arter as it would always be in my mind.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2012): you have NO RIGHT to manipulate what your hb did or didnt do. you were the cheating one remember???
instead of focusing on whether "he got hard" focus on your betrayal, his emotional state, and seek proper marriage counselling.
if he did manage to have sex that is non of your business. at least he enjoyed what you enjoyed: another person!
LoveGirl
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2012): Hi. It sounds as if you are searching for vindication.
But with him it was different because he had left the marriage and so, he was not actually with you at the time he went for a massage. When he went it was only a few weeks after he had discovered his wife had cheated on him and she had left. He was probably stressed to the max that the time and acting out. I would have no problem believing him that nothing actually happened. Because I know when men are totally stressed out it can be very difficult for them to maintain an erection at times. I also know they can find that tremendously shaming and humiliating when they are trying to perform and `Percy` wont work. So I bet he DOESNT want to try it again and never will! Rather than arouse him now...the thought of massages and prostitutes will make him lose his sex drive because he will associate that common, EX fantasy with shame and embarrassment. That will be why he put a wink on FB instead of telling the truth! He may have lied and bragged to his pals to bolster his male ego following your betrayal but I think he is being honest with you and nothing happened.
...............................
A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (29 March 2012):
It may well be that he made this up to get back at you. What you did was not good and telling him even worse. Did you not think he would be devastated? It would have been better if you had lived with your guilt. Now you need to concentrate more on rebuilding you marriage than what you husband might have done, I expect he was mostly grieving.
And no, I wouldn't have an erection in those circumstances.
...............................
A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (29 March 2012):
 If you have been married for 21 years, I would say that it is very likely the thought of you sleeping with someone else would have been so emotionally overwhelming for him that sexual acts would be extremely difficult. It is not uncommon for things like that to happen. Although I would not rule out the possibility that it was mere fabrication.
I think the most important thing right now would be to talk about these things with each other until there is absolutely nothing left to talk about. To avoid trust issues threatening this marriage again if nothing else. You have gone 21 years, it would be a shame for it to end because all trust between you had dwindled away.
I hope that helps.
...............................
A
female
reader, loves2cook +, writes (29 March 2012):
loves2cook is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks. He's never had that problem with me so I wonder if it could be true. I checked the cell phone records and know he called his buddies that go there that night. Presumably to brag. His post on Facebook also had a wink and the words "you wouldn't believe me if I told you." So would he lie to me about it or on Facebook where no one knows what he's talking? I'm just tired of all the lies about his indiscretions.
...............................
A
male
reader, Cole Turner  +, writes (29 March 2012):
 Very possibly could be true ... if a guy has too much on his mind or is trying too hard, libido and intimacy can be lost. Sometimes a guy can be overwhelmed by all this and feel a little out of the comfort zone.
...............................
|
