A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am a senior lecturer in a university. I have never though of myself as good looking or anything special. I think I am good at my job, however I will let the reader judge.Recently, one of my students told me she liked me. She is beautiful, always happy, and generally fun to be around. I told her straight that nothing could, or would, ever happen between us. She reacted sensibly, and seemed to accept my response.Since then, things have been awkward for me. She has not made me feel awkward, it is more my own doing. She acts normal towards me, always smiling and asking when she needs help with work etc. However, I cannot bring myself to carry on being the same person I was before, not around this student.It is my upmost priority to remain professional at all times, and I am concerned in case I lead her on, or have lead her on. I do like her, we exchanged smiles before, as well as funny messages here and there(regarding work). I feel bad for treating her this way- I have become quite blatant with her, only answering her when she talks about work, avoiding small talk. I sense sadness from her when she tries to talk and she realises she is getting nowhere and I feel guilty.The problem is I wish I didn't feel the need to be this way, she isn't a child, she can be trusted to keep her distance(I think), so why do I feel the need to keep my distance in this way? I should add, this student is in her early 20's.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2015): Please don't act upon your attraction to this young woman. You are already fantasising about her but you don't know what you may be stepping into - despite appearances, many women are actually quite messed up 'behind the scenes' - and, believe me please, you've no idea how much damage it can do to confuse a student in this way. I have been a student in a similar situation, but the tutor totally confused me by sending out very mixed messages over many years - really extreme signals that he wanted and adored me and then the opposite - cold, insensitive, rude and dismissive, with no apparent rationale except maybe his own guilt and attempts to maintain boundaries. It almost totally destroyed me as a woman and in terms of my belief in my studies and in my ability to study. Just don't "go there" - she's got a crush on you and it really will be cruel, ultimately, to take advantage of that.
A
female
reader, Keeley345 +, writes (2 April 2015):
It is not against the law to date a student at Uni. It is however unprofessional and you're right to have stopped anything from happening. Student-Lecturer crushes do happen. I have alot of attractive male lectures that I fancy and some of my male course mates have a big crush on a certain female lecturer and always talk about how sexy she is. But this sort of talk and behaviour, can cause alot of problems. Each Uni has different rules about dating students. The Uni i'm at is OK with students dating lecturers on different courses e.g If a student is studying English they can date an Engineering lecturer. As long as the courses are unrelated. But again is a student dating a lecturer a wise thing?If your Uni does not allow relationships between staff and students, then do everything you can to keep your distance from this girl. She might be trustworthy but another student may become suspicious and cause trouble. E.g If you or someone else marks some coursework and this girl gets good marks, another student may assume it was down to you. Collusion due to 'special favours', springs to mind.Even though nothing happened between you two and might never, other students and even your colleagues could become suspicious maybe even jealous. Your career is important. So tread carefully and keep your distance from this girl. Try not to be in one 2 one situations but if you can't avoid it, make sure a colleague is within close distance of you two. Act professional around her. I think you're a little rattled maybe even flattered by attention from her but watch out. You could lose big time if you're not extra careful.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (2 April 2015):
 I think your reactions is normal.
And think this should be something EVERYONE should know when having a crush and then deciding to "share" with the "object of desire", because HER having a crush on you doesn't mean YOU AUTOMATICALLY feel the same way. My guess is you were professional and friendly, both GOOD traits in a lecturer.
But her "declaration" makes you DOUBT if you were "too friendly" - and I think that is a shame. Because I SERIOUSLY doubt you did anything to make her think you were romantically interested in her.
My advice is to talk to a faculty adviser, MY guess is this isn't the first time a student has developed feelings for a lecturer nor will it be the last. I wouldn't be surprised if there were some guidelines or info you could benefit from.
The STUDENT might be a bit sad, but YOU didn't ASK for a declaration or for HER to develop feelings FOR you. YOU HAVE to remain professional.
I would honestly KEEP my distance and continue as you have AFTER the declaration. MAYBE she just needs to ACCEPT that "declaring her crush" wasn't a GREAT idea and that YOU in fact are NOT interested. No need to cuddle her here. She might just take that as you DO like her after all.
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