A
male
age
41-50,
*azz
writes:NB: Please reply to THIS question; ignore the previous one- it was accidentally posted prematurely!I am a 27 year old male student, at University (a late starter), in the UK. My problem is that, at the age of 27 years, I have never had any sexual experience with the opposite sex, girlfriends/relationships. I am still a VIRGIN! I am very depressed as a result of my social/sexual status; this should be understandable to most people. I am aware that I am older than most of the female population at my University (most are aged from 18 to 23), but would it be inappropriate if I dated a female student aged 20+? (in her early 20's?) I am still in my twenties, so I do'nt see anything wrong. After all, a 20 year-old girl in the UK is an adult. I prefer younger women, aged 20+, as they are more physically attractive, in my eyes. I am more mentally mature than the average student in their early twenties, but I do'nt see any reason why I can not still enjoy myself at my age and socialise at bars and nightclubs.I do'nt think that I am 'too old' for nightclubs, even if I was in my 30's. What do you think? I have not socialised much in my 20's, so I do not feel tired of nightclubs and going out to enjoy myself. I am not at all ready to settle down and become a family man, yet! I have a lot of life experience to gain. At the moment, I have a non-existent social life. I have a small group of friends at my University, but that's it. Is it because of my age- the fact that the other students may 'sense' that I am older, even though I only look as a old as 23? My friends (one of whom is aged 22) asked me to go out with them to clubs and they encourage me to talk to the female students, but I say: "I am 'too old'". My friends then reply by saying that I am too self-conscious, it's MY life, that I should'nt care about what other people think about me trying to chat to a younger girl, and that it does not matter if I am older than a potential girlfirend from my University. They then warn me that if I do not change my ways fast, I will still be a virgin by the time I reach 40!When I do go to nightclubs, I find it difficult to relax, be confident, dance around with the girls and to talk to them. I feel that I am being a 'pervert' if I dance around with the girls and start snogging/kissing them, even if they enjoy it. I have always left nightclubs empty-handed or without any phone numbers. Could it be that I am still a virgin at my age because of possibly low testosterone(male sex hormone)levels? I think I'll have a blood test to see. I think I am too self-conscious- I am afraid of being a MAN and talking to girls to get a potential girlfriend/sexual partner, because I feel I am being 'disrespectful' towards women, or that I am exploiting them. Yet, one of my friends dances around with random girls in the clubs (he is a real 'player') and kisses them/gropes them- and most of the girls enjoy it! They do'nt call him a 'pervert', etc. I could never do that- I feel it is disrespectful towards women. I know that it is the man's responsibility to make the move, and that if I carry-on being afraid to talk to girls and acting that I am 'asexual', I will be a virgin for the remainder of my life. I need to stop acting like a 'nerd' and be an 'alpha male'- a man with confidence and who is not afraid of chatting-up women. I go to the gym, to build myself up and (hopefully) be more attractive (masculine) towards the opposite sex, but this will not change my personality. I think that I take life too seriously, that I am too self-concsious and I am afraid of 'letting myself go'. Women like men who have confidence. Any advice would be greatly appreciated,Thanks,Gazz.
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confidence, depressed, still a virgin, talking to girls, university Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, willem  +, writes (30 May 2007):
 all boundries in your mind is there because u allow it 2 b there............... if u r gonna look at ur self and say you feel old or look old ,well u know * u r making ur own rules * rather enjoy the time that ur spending there cause 2morrow ur gonna miss IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2007): Why are you so intent on dating a younger girl? Age shouldn't matter, you shouldn't make that a point to get one younger. You should meet a woman that you can talk to as a friend 1st then take it further. Then you won't feel like a pervert. You don't have to just meet some skagg at a bar & expect it to be a 20 year old that you can have a 1 nighter with. That isn't respectful to women anyways.
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A
male
reader, DV1  +, writes (30 May 2007):
 I'm going to keep it short, sweet, and cut right to the point. When you hit your 20's, age doesn't matter. Girls like older guys. I've dated my share of younger girls. Have faith in yourself. If you feel uncomfortable with girls on campus, think of your hobbies, look online, and find local places where there are women to share your interests.
You'll be fine. Believe in yourself!! :)
DV1
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A
male
reader, Cag Lee "Apollo" Adarma +, writes (30 May 2007):
 Gazz Gazz Gazz, matewell what what have we learnt from you submission?well, firstly, Gazz you know why your still a virgin. Its got nothing to do with low body chemical levels or confidence but more to do with not being entirely confident in the way in which you feel you should gain a sexual partner. Clubs and pubs and gropings isn't the strategy for everyone, and something tells me thats not what your looking for.within the contemporary idea of love and sex is this pressure to sexual straight from the word go. chatting up, kissing, snogging and groping being initial thoughts beforelearning about someone, getting to know someone, and enjoying their company. Make these your first thoughts Gazz.Secondly, girls in their early 20s are more attractive, youth and relative innocence is not new in attraction. But from your submission you know that you are looking for something they can;t provide. You want to have sex with the some of the girls you meet at university because they are beautiful but not because you want to know them. That inner cognition is what's creating so much inner conflict within you. I think you might have to confront the idea that your attracted to younger girls more because they don;t pose as much a threat in the 'experience' department as a woman your own age, but don;t let this hinder you.Thirdly Gazz, you said it yourself, your personality is the crux of your chance to find a partner. Thats not to say looks don;t have a part to play but you endear a woman and she's putty.You might have to give in to your convictions and submit to the fact that dating younger girls might not be the best way to go and start looking got girls closer to your own age (25+). Start going out without uni mates, do things out of the uni-film clubs, amdram watever just get out and meet people. clubs and pubs aren;t great places to meet people- go be a man bro YOU CAN DO IT!The capt
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A
male
reader, Royofthe Rovers +, writes (30 May 2007):
 Yes you need confidence, but that doesnt mean you have to around groping girls as your mate does. You are who you are, you should be cormfortable in that. If you think a "MAN" is someone who gropes girls and the like your thinking of the stereotypical man which is all well and good but not all women go for that.
You sound to me like you have some commendable qualities that i dont think you should lose. You seem to have a lot of respect for other people which is alot more than some people have.
I dont think low testerone levels is the problem i just think low self-esteem and ability to enjoy company around you. Confidence is the thing which most people find attractive and you dont need to be an ALPHA male to have confidence, you just have to have confidence in yourself and who you stand for.
It is possible to regain your confidence without losing any of your qualities which many women would find attractive and without turning into a typical brash, ego-minded stereotypical alpha male. Not all women go for that, some yes but not all.
As for your being a virgin, this is nothing to worry about, if you take a look on this webiste there are plenty of epople in the same or similiar positions as yourself so dont feel isolated with this. This can even be a turn on for some women.
Dont try and copy other people just because they seem to have everything they want, you need to concentrate on promoting YOUR own qualities which i am sure you have many of.
You need to find an area in which you can gain your confidence, maybe a sport or any kind of interest build yourself up to find out what is good about yourself and soon other people and the opposite sex will se your confidence too along with your admirable other qualities.
R
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A
female
reader, cd206 +, writes (30 May 2007):
 I'm guessing that you're asking this question after seeing the channel 4 documentary last week? I was actually kind of surprised by it since it had never occurred to me before that low testosterone levels could be responsible for lack of experience. And of course it's a possibility for you. I can't tell if you have low testosterone levels via a computer and you'd really need to ask the doctor about that, but two things came across in your post to me which seem like reasons why you're possibly still a virgin. The first is one you pointed out yourself- confidence. It's the 21st century and it's not 100% the man's job to approach women nowadays but a lot of men feel they have to. I'm not sure if it's the environment you find yourself in that makes you a little less confident. After all, you're probably comparing yourself to men much younger than you who also have more sexual experience, but sometimes you can be so caught up in what you don't have compared to others that you come across as desperate or insecure and they're more likely reasons why a girl wouldn't be attracted to you.
The other thing that I think could be the problem is that you're so caught up in being a virgin. Its become a part of who you are, rather than a temporary circumstance that you want to correct. Sometimes when we're so set in our ways like this, it's so hard to overcome it because its become so much a part of us. I'm not sure if this makes sense but when you let something which you see as negative define you, it overpowers you.
I wish you all the luck in the world. Go out clubbing, ask girls for phone numbers. If they say no so what? What's going to happen to you? It'll be a few seconds of embarassment and then you move on. Go for it!
CD
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