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female
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anonymous
writes:I've met a chap recently on an online dating site, nothing serious or has developed, although I am pondering if I should encourage things further to get to know him. He told me he is overweight at the moment and wanting to have a Gastric Bypass surgery very soon. Good on him if he feels this is important, and I am not judging anyone's weight issues or health issues. But I am wondering if anyone can advise on any difficulties or issues perhaps could crop up if a relationship was to develop in regards to his needing any particular care or management, which I potentially would also be involved with. Just curious if anyone knows about ongoing impacts on someones life?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2017): Hi it's the aunt who had batiatric surgery . Whilst I actually had a different kind of surgery it was weight loss surgery . The adjustments would be different for everyone I imagine but for me personally the only support I really needed was perhaps just for my partner to understand that I couldn't eat hige meals along with him ( something he always enjoyed and still enjoys doing due to his fast metabolism ) of course this is not a healthy thing anyway even if one is thin due to cholesterol etc but that was pretty much the only 'support ' really . It kind of took it a while to understand my commitment to my new eating habits . That was about it Of course I don't know his individual needs but gastric surgery simply requires eating smallers adjusted meals . Something that is a new way of eating for a lot of people . To be honest I don't really understand why people think this makes you into a carer . What he eats will be up to him the same as anybody else and I don't really understand why the fact his stomach has been made smaller changes that .Of course in any relationship it's important that the other person not depend on yoh too having but I don't imagine that if this man were having his gallbladder out people would be giving such advice ( and after all gallbladder removal can require adjustment of eating habits for some people too )As I mentioned before and I truly believe , overweight people truly are one of the last groups who are considered fair targets of discrimination which is totally unfair . People like to assume all excess weight is 'self induced ' and the old ideas of ' it's as simply as calories in calories out ' still exist despite recent research that shows the influence of gut bacteria s and genetics . Of course eating poorly contributes. It the problems go far deeper than that As a person who used to be overweight and no longer is I see this very dark nature of human judgements and prejudice So in answer to your question . The adjustments for me personally were minimal . I simply ate less at each meal . The adjustments for the others around me who were used to eating unhealthily and not gaining weight were perhaps tougher
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2017): You have to maintain objectivity. The problem with many people is they become more involved in the problems and drama presented from making new acquaintances. The connection unfortunately becomes nothing more than tending to problems and listening to complaints; while friendship and communication are pushed to the wayside.
It's very kind and sweet to make unconditional friendly connections. Being a humanitarian by nature, that is why I'm here available on this site.
Everyone needs friends and we all need affection. I don't make rebuttals of advice people give on the site, or say how much I disagree; because when giving advice, you have to see things from more than one angle. That's called wisdom.
You wouldn't have posed your question in a open-forum; if you were looking from only one point of view.
Just the nature and tone of your post shows you're a caring, compassionate, empathetic, and kind individual. However; in your second posting, you indicated that you are searching for a connection that brings you joy and purpose. Not knowing much about him, your first impression was being presented with the health problems he is grappling with.
You should always extend your warmest feelings and goodwill when reaching out for friends or romance. You don't complain. You have to first be happy with yourself; then you can share your happiness with others.
Then it comes down to what he's looking for. Sympathy, or the warmth and connection of friendship. I stick by my advice; because I carefully think before I offer it. Know what you want out of the connection; and if that is what you receive, proceed.
I extend Holiday wishes, hope you stay safe, and find much joy in the coming New Year!
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your input and comments. I have not really got any major issues with his weight and he has talked about how things got out of hand, he's a farmer and worked physical work all his life, but got arthritis in his hip, had a hip replacement, which slowed him down considerably, then he broke his leg and added to his physical inactivity. I have seen pics of him around 5 years ago and he was looking fairly fit and well. I understand why or how his weight may have become out of control. Yes that could perhaps also bring on other health issues, which is why he really wants to get the op done and get things back on track. So I fully get it with him. I live in a very small community, in relation to meeting people it is difficult and few single people to connect with. I am approaching all of this so far as just that, a connection and perhaps meeting someone nice. I did ponder if after surgery....perhaps the kind aunt who had the surgery could help here, ...what type of lifestyle changes he will potentially have to make, on going. I'm not concerned about things like being a carer or feeling the need to be a nurse or help out, but just want to understand what he will be needing to consider and what might be something someone who is in a relationship with him would also need to be prepared for. Very early days, but he does seem nice enough to not dismiss based on this issue. Thanks a lot for any of your thoughts.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2017): Wow I could t disagree with the previous advise more . I feel this could be a wonderful person you just miss out on simply because they are addressing their weight problem .
Amlmost everyone had some type of issue in life yet when it comes to weight people have no problem being discriminatory as we can see
Sure , you don't have to get deeply involved whilst he's actually having the op and directly after but why not maintain a friendship and just see how it goes . Personally I had bariatric surgery years ago and lost a large amount of weight . The entire process of losing the weight took me around twelve months and I've never looked back . I couldn't be happier .
Do people with excess weight have emotional baggage ? Sometimes ! But guess what . So do many thin people !
Others need to stop being so judgemental and understand that simply because weight can be seen it does not make one automatically a harboured of all these issues thin people do not have
This man is just a likely to be a wonderful person as any thin man you meet and he is showing a detrimination to empower his health in his actions
I say sit tight , don't necessarily commit but just see where it leads
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2017): I must say I agree with WiseOwlE. You don't know that man and have no real attachment.
Continue looking. If you for some reason like him, maybe you could stay in touch from time to time, BUT he has to take care of himself now and is in no way ready for someone else in his life. And it could take a looooong time.
Also, women have this care-taking gene (most women and some men). Somebody who's that much overweight has other problems as well, and I don't mean potential cardio-vascular issues or diabetes. I'm talking about potential emotional and mental issues. There's a chance that you're relationship could be all about him and his problems.
Do you need that?
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2017): You can talk to your own doctor; who can answer all your questions about it. You can even Google it!
Personally, I think you should skip this guy. You have no real romantic-interest or emotional-connection to him. So why bother? Find yourself a healthy man, avoid unnecessary drama!
You just happened upon this gentleman online. If you've got so many questions; that should be enough to give you pause!
I'll flat out say, avoid him! He has health issues to contend with. Allow him to focus on that. He's not ready for a romance.
Let him deal with his issues. Don't walk into something you have so many questions about, and you haven't even met!
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