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female
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*lairejefferson
writes: Hi there, I have a new problem. Im due to hace twins next week. The babies' dad and I split up when I first became pregnant and he has someone new now. I decided I would bring them up myself, I am a mature woman with a good income and these are my 4th and 5th babies. I am well supported with friends and family.The problem is that recently the babies' dad has been in touch and while he is still with his new woman and not the slightest bit interested in me he has decided he wants to be in the babies' lives. I have decided to let him, and have told him he can be present when they are born. Im willing to be friends with him as he is their dad and I hope he will have a relationship with them and be there for them. HOWEVER... now he is saying he wants his name on their birth certificates. He says this is because he fears I may withdraw contact at any time without notice and he couldnt cope with that. But putting his name on their certificates means he has the same rights over the babies as I do: if I died he would become responsible for them rather than my family, and he could cause trouble if I decided to get married in the future. Most importantly, I have no idea where he lives as he moves about a lot, and lies about what he does for a living. I've never met his mum, any of his family, or friends and I know he has links with criminals. I know this sounds like Im paranoid but Im afraid that he might hire a hitman to kill me and snatch the babies, particularly to avoid paying child maintenance. (I know he lives with a woman and 3 children and am pretty sure it is his wife and his own children:I met him on a dating site on the net and he bowled me over.)But...I might be wrong: he might turn out to be the doting dad, and then I will feel bad that his name is not on their certificates. Once the certificates are done there is no going back. I have asked him to come clean and let me meet his family but he refuses to saying he can't trust me which makes me even more suspicious. He implies that he might make my life tricky in the future by being nice to the babies and then suddenly saying he cant do certain things as he isnt a legal parent Anyone got any ideas how I can sort this issue out? Ideally Id like the babies to have fully completed birth certificates, but how can I persuade their dad that as things stand that isnt possible, and that he needs to sort things out.
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female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (11 June 2006):
 Many congratulations as you are now probably holding your beautiful babies in your arms and feeling absolutely shattered I guess.
I was with my ex for 15 years when I fell pregnant and at the time he said the name was not an issue so I went through my pregnancy fine and when my daughter was born we had about a month to register her name.
We had been talking about marriage at the time when we registered her and the registrar who was a lady said it is best to put your daughter down with the woman's surname as there is no going back if she took her father's name and as we weren't married I felt why should she carry his name if I don't. Anyway as things turned out he went down on the register and in the eyes of the law she is his father but we did not get the full blown birth certificate as we went for the small certificate which does not state either the mother or father's details. You can always get one of these later on if you want.
Under law as it stands, I could get him to pay maintenance if I wanted to and yes I guess he does have rights but apparently you need to have a certain document drawn up through a solicitors for this as I found out that if she was ill he does not have full parental rights at the moment as it is only me so if she was rushed to hospital there could be implications if she was under his care and not mine.
I would certainly get everything checked out via CAB or go for a free hour/half hour of legal advice and get it straight in your own mind first.
The fact that he does not allow you contact with his family means that he should not have rights over your children as such as I would not feel safe with everything you have said about who he associates with.
Best of luck for the future.
BFN
Country Woman
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A
female
reader, carebear +, writes (29 May 2006):
 Hi
Having read your post I think you already know the answer,what do you know about this guy, would you panick everytime you had to hand the baby's over at visits ect ect.I think you should tell him when they are born let him visit in your home as he cannot take tiny babies away now remember he is going to be on his best behaviour until he get's his name on the certificates then it COULD all change.Maybe as the other aunt said has all your kids got your surname? if so whay should these to be different? tell him that you want all your kids to have the same name he know tht he is their father they will know he is their father waht is the problem cause as you have said you want him to play a part in their life and threats can come from both sides.
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female
reader, Jadzia1127  +, writes (29 May 2006):
 As I have pointed out before, It is easier socially for children if they have the same last name as their mother. Mother's are more hands on then fathers usually, and so have more awkward moments with a different last name. Having a different last name then the parent they live with causes children feelings of shame and being of different. If you are going to be the main parent it should be your name, your child carries though life.
You could use your last name and his last name for the middle name if you want to appease the father, or hyphen it. You need to need to make the best choice for your baby.
Even without the same last name paternity is usually still claimed on the birth certificate. Once you write it on the birth certificate the father has the burden of proof. That document gives you the right to go after him for child support.
Congratulations on the baby and GOOD LUCK!
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female
reader, Blond Bomb Shell +, writes (29 May 2006):
Dont rush in to doing the birth certificates find out how long you can leave it before filling them in. Let him prove himself first. You could explain to him that you do not feel happy about not meeting his family so do you really want your children to be around people you dont know. If you are not married i think its right for your babys to have your name, you could get legal advice and find out what rights he will have if his name is on the birth certificate but they have your name. You should do what you think and dont let him pressure you. I hope eveything works out well. take care.
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