A
female
age
41-50,
*ovemyselftoo
writes:Hi everyone. I am a 32 year old mother of 2 children. But I am stuck in a loveless marriage with an uncaring husband. However I have recently fallen for another man who is intelligent, has many of the same qualities as me, and ohh so gorgeous looking. Problem is, he is 6 years younger than me. I think he finds me attractive too, but how can I be sure?Problem is I fear that he thinks I am a slut. I used to be his mentor at a company we both worked in before he resigned 1 year ago. After he resigned, I totally lost contact with him although we has each others email.By chance we bumped into each other when he was jogging at the beach recently. My husband was not there at the time. I was with my 6 month old youngest daughter and still breastfeeding him. Anyway I must have been turned on by seeing him in his sleeveless jogging tank top because I did the unthinkable. When my daughter was crying because she was hungry I breasfed her in front of him!Of course he was uncomfortable but I begged him to stay. I felt a thrill from flirting with him, a sensual connection with him from exposing myself. Anyway I said sorry for making him umconfortable before parting. I found myself feeling a deep shame after the impulsive flirting trick several minutes later. Yet I was feeling high like on drugs! But I hope I did not carry it too far..We did exchange phone numbers before parting. I found myself obsessively thinking about him very often. About a month ago I texted him. Texted each other a while. Then I guessed I felt horny again because I said "sorry again for showing my breast to you, my fat, ugly breast, on my fat post pregnancy body".He did not reply immediately but when he replied he said "no big deal. BTW don't say you are ugly. You still look gorgeous as before. Anyway you will lose your weight in a few months time."Does that mean he likes me and finds me attractive? Or am I just a big sister to him?There was no other indication that he liked me. Anyway I was curious if he already had a girlfriend. So on my eldest daughter's bday party recently, I invited him along with some other friends. I ask him to bring his girlfriend or wife along. Anyway he did not and when I asked him he said he did not have one. That day he also complimented me on my looks as I lost a bit of weight.He added me recently to Facebook. I find myself obsessing over him. I wonder does he like me? Did I blow my chances? Does he think I am a slutty exhibitionist? I think he cares for me. I told him about my depression. But I did not tell him that I am willing to leave my husband for him. What should I do next? What if he just likes me as a friend? I am not ugly, I used to be attractive before my children.
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female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (16 August 2013):
Dear OP,
FIrst of all guys, let's stop the rude "advice" here!
OP, you are in an unhappy marriage and that's why this guy is so attractive to you. You feel like you slowly drown in a dull life with no love and he's the straw you're clinging on to.
But, as far as I can guess, leaving your husband for him is not a good idea. Many men might be happy flirting with you, even if you're married and a mum.. but very few men would accept to take responsibility for such a big life change (your divorce) and to be the future step-father of your children. The younger guy just wanted to have a little flirt - not a relationship - with you!
If you must leave your husband, leave him. But don't hope for this new guy to replace him. He's six years younger and even if he finds you attractive.. maybe he dreams of having children of his own someday. Together with someone younger than you.
You're married with kids. Yes, you're "stuck" in a way, but that doesn't mean the only solution is quitting. The man you married.. I'm pretty sure you must have loved him once? Maybe it's more wise to ask "why has our love disappeared? is there a way to bring it back? or to get closer to each other again?". Two kids are stressful for a couple. There are more duties and less time for intimacy. Your body has changed and maybe you don't feel too sexy, between dirty diapers and breastfeeding a child. But who said marriage and being a parent is easy? It's not easy, it's hard work. And of course sometimes you want to run.. but you may miss what you left behind.
Ok, all in all: Don't change partner, try to adjust to this situation the best way you can. You are blessed with a husband and two healthy children (and obviously you're still attractive). Don't destroy your family just because times are difficult and the grass looks greener on the other side of the fence.
Don't worry about this whole breastfeeding moment anymore. It was a bit weird, you know that, but no bigger damage has been done in the end and you can just forget about it. And don't do it again.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2013): I bet if the guy let it be known that he got off on watching you breastfeed your child and let it be you would be on here calling him a pervert.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2013): Well, I guess we will have to work this one up and down.
I'll give you benefit of the doubt about that dramatization of exposing the boobie at the beach. I know women at your age are at the peak of their sexuality. We can throw in some residual hormones from your pregnancy, and lets just say we have the ingredients for a "hot-mess."
We know the old story of the neglected love-starved wife.
Hollywood has over-played that story, and I'm afraid you're offering us a bit of a drama-queen performance for sympathy here.
You made quite a fool of yourself, and the guy is being polite; and really feeling more pity for you, than attraction to you. I don't doubt that you're attractive. I will attribute a lot of your behavior to postpartum depression. I'm sure you're a bit of a hot mama too!
Men tend to take their wives for granted after several years of marriage. You blend into the household. I wish we could get his side of this story. I'm sure it would be as interesting as yours.
Once you have children, you may become more of the lady who cares for his children; than his lover. Maybe, you became a mother to please him; not yourself.
You would harbor resentment, be that the case.
Marriage becomes a bit of a rut for both of you. Nursing baby, loss of sleep, chasing the toddler, and caring for everyone. You portray the vibrant and beautiful woman, being treated like a servant. I'm keeping this in the dramatized mood of your post. I don't necessarily buy it.
I am going to exorcise the drama-queen, before she ruins your life.
I really think your behavior on the beach was beneath you.
I don't think the young man was totally appalled; but he thinks you're a nut-case. I'm inclined to agree, to some extent.
I don't expect him to tell you you're not pretty; when you're practically begging him to.
However; drama-queens thrive on attention. You have an attention-deficit; therefore, you acted out of character and a little beneath your dignity. Forgive yourself, and promise yourself you'll never pull such a ridiculous stunt again.
Don't do stupid things in the presence of your children. I don't care what age they are. You have the dignified position of being their mother. Carry that with pride and responsibility.
I don't fault people for doing something foolish, crazy, or daring once in awhile. It releases tension and you get a burst of adrenaline. Your body craves excitement. You are still quite young; and your husband is remiss in his duties.
Your marriage is in crisis; you have very young children, and you're acting a fool. Lord have mercy on you, my lady!
You need to leave that young man out of your hormonally-charged shenanigans. You are setting yourself up for a custody-battle; because your husband could prove you on the brink of insanity, and he'll have a witness. Hypothetically speaking.
Before we start talking about marriage counselors, who rarely save marriages that are doomed anyway. Lets address why you feel so neglected or unloved?
We aren't able to walk through your home and observe your daily lives. How much work demands his time, how tired you may be at the end of the day, or how distant you both are due to unresolved issues in your marriage. If I didn't know any better, I'd say you'd give up your marriage and your children without a fight. That's how you're coming across in your post. Even if that isn't how you really feel.
If you've given up, advice about your marriage is pointless.
The self-destructive path you're taking, is what requires immediate attention. You need emergency medical attention!
It is unbelievable that your obstetrician/gynecologist isn't noticing something weird about you. If you're getting normal checkups; they are monitoring you for any signs of possible physiological changes, or anemia. They normally ask a lot of questions about behavior and how you feel after birth of a child. At least in America they do.
I doubt you go for postnatal checkups.
In fact, you probably avoid going to the doctor. You're not yourself right now. You aren't aware that your behavior is not mentally sound. So you probably won't properly take care of yourself. If you do, you would never tell the doctor about your crazy carrying on. You'd be too embarrassed.
I suggest that you do tell him/her what you've been doing.
Your behavior is becoming compulsive, erratic, and you're displaying impaired judgment.
Then he/she can refer you to the proper specialist to treat postpartum depression; before your husband has you institutionalized.
Now about that young man. He is embarrassed and cornered by a crazy woman. You look desperate and shameless. He doesn't want to see you in such a pitiful state. He recalls the dignified and professional woman you were. Now you're descending into something you want to call a "cougar," for lack of a better term. I'm gay, and we have a million of them I could use, but I won't. You deserve respect. Self-respect comes first.
Go see your doctor. Spill your guts just like you spilled them to us. Every crazy detail. The doctor knows you better than you know yourself. Then the right course of treatment can begin. If you weren't a slut before, you aren't one now. Something is wrong, and demands treatment.
I suggest that you heed my advice. Then get a divorce.
If you don't make sure you're not nuts, you'll lose your children; if your spouse decides to divorce you, and fight for custody.
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A
female
reader, MsSadie  +, writes (16 August 2013):
 Is this real life or are you testing out material for an erotica story? That's how the first four paragraphs read.
The first thing that needs to be addressed is your desire to stray from your husband. With two kids by this man, you need to try to repair the relationship. If it's really that bad, leave him but don't cheat. That's selfish and cowardly.
Second thing that needs addressing is that self-deprecating text you sent to your crush. If I hadn't read the rest of what you wrote, I'd give you a whole spiel about confidence and how putting yourself down like that just makes whoever you're talking to really uncomfortable. But having the whole story, I think that your issue may lie in a need for attention, a need for flattery, and perhaps even a need to cause drama. It could be the result of depression (have you been formally diagnosed?), it could be a personality disorder, or it could simply be that you're going through a rut.
I don't mean to judge, just giving an honest answer to what I hope is a legit question.
Third, there isn't a ton of evidence that he likes you the way that you like him. He's responsive, but it's hard to say if he's receptive. Unless he begins to initiate the contact, there's really no telling how deeply he feels about you.
Finally, I think that you're still a bit young to be considered a cougar. Here in USA that label is typically for women 45+
Please talk to a counselor, first alone and then with your husband. I wish you the best in resolving this issue. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (16 August 2013):
 Yikes wow whacked...get a grip. You really need to come to terms.
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A
male
reader, human_male  +, writes (15 August 2013):
 I hope you still come back after reading some of the responses you have recieved. While I agree that it would probably be a good idea for you to address your unhappy marriage before considering and affair, it's not our place to judge you or anyone who asks for help here.
If you like this guy I think the best thing would be to put aside what has happened so far and ask him out for coffee, then you can have a nice talk. If he says no then you know. No guy wants to get an email like that from a woman where she puts herself down like that. But all you can do is put it behind you.
And I don't think any woman should be ashamed for breast feeding in public. Ok there was more going on than that but it's not the same as a man indecently exposing himself to someone.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (15 August 2013):
 Lady grow up! I would have guessed (part from the 2 kids part) that you were in your teens, because that is the maturity level you give across.
First of all you JUST have a baby and you are that DESPERATE to replace your husband?
Infidelity doesn't CURE depression. PPD is serious and you need to address it.
If you are unhappy in your marriage you NEED to address that and your depression - NO RUN OFF TO start an affair or a new relationship.
Talk to your doctor about the depression. Talk to your husband/marriage counselor about your marriage. Adding MORE people is not fixing a thing.
As for what he thinks of you? I have no idea, but I don't think he wants to be your knight in shining armor.
Get help honey.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2013): You need psychiatric help. You get turned on letting a man watch you feeding a 6 month old baby?And then you practically begged him to compliment you by saying 'oh I look horrible don't I?' I don't know many men or women would answer the text you sent him by saying yes I agree, you look awful. Common decency demands that anyone in that spot spare your feelings by complimenting you. To not do so would have been unkind.I'm not saying you're now ugly. I don't know you. I'm saying you can't interpret what he said as a compliment because you practically extracted it from him.Do you see how you are initiating everything in this case?You asked him to stay and spend time with you at the beach. You texted him first. You invited him to your kid's party. He doesn't sound interested. And you sound like you need help. You seriously need to see a shrink.
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A
female
reader, KlassyKirsty +, writes (15 August 2013):
 Hi thereIt would help if you took a step back and shed some light on this.One of the reasons you desire this younger man is due to u feel ur marriage is breaking down due to lack of chemistry, attraction, compatability and this other man is providing you with what you desire which is what ur marriage is lacking.You have 2 options, you either amend your marriage not just for the sake of the children but for yourself, or you go cold turkey and take a blind leap of faith and go for it with this other man. It sounds like you 2 strike a chord with each other, so why not see what happens :) There is no point in papering over the cracks of your marriage, there is only so long that paper will stay covered.And it sounds like he is attracted, seeing as he is complimenting you, and take it easy on yourself, child rearing is not an easy job :) even he understands that :)and do not feel embarresed about breastfeeding publicly, it is natural. And if he went the extra mile to add you on facebook and is still speaking to you, NO you did not blow it with him.Take care :) xxxxx
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A
female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (15 August 2013):
 So let me get this straight. You purposefully and nonconsesually exposed your breast to him, and when he was uncomfortable, you pressured him to stand there so you could get your sexual thrills from it?Let me turn this around on you. What if a man that you knew saw you jogging in the park and when you went to go talk to you, exposed his penis to you without your permission? And then, if you got uncomfortable, he begged you to stand there and -keep looking at his penis- so that he could get a sexual thrill off of it?Lady, you have some serious fucking problems. How about instead of coming onto a guy WHILE YOU ARE MARRIED, you take all that energy, divorce your husband and get some counseling? Because it is NOT OKAY to make sexual advances at someone by exposing body parts to them nonconsensually. YOU NEED HELP.
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