A
female
age
36-40,
*osycheeks
writes:Hi hi,I posted last year about being anxious about how to handle my upcoming wedding, ( i have a mother with undiagnosed BPD) whether to elope or have the party. I had lots of helpful advice on here :)We decided for a wedding party over an elopement. Picked an awesome venue. Then went through a highly stressful month of sharing the details with mum, and her side of the family. I did grow up fairly close to the family, but over last 7 years, I've barely seen or spoken to them. I suspect this has largely to do with my distancing myself from my mum, as id learnt more about BPD, and started to learn how to manage and cope with the relationship. The family seem to refuse to want to hear my side, and placate mums outbursts of me being a constant disappointment to her.So anyway, I sent the invites to them all, and one by one they have all declined. I have 2 cousins who want to come. (for the time being anyway!) I do now feel a sense of relief that I have offered them the opportunity (an olive branch if you like) to celebrate with me, and they chose not to come. Before sending invites I didn't know if I even wanted them to come or not since, they've never really met my partner or kept any relationship going with me, apart from messaging me to tell me they are disappointed in my actions towards my mum. I felt, let me just invite them, if they come, super, if not, then well its what I half expected anyway.I guess I feel like I've had confirmation that this family is no longer my family. It's a weird feeling, makes me feel quite lonely. My partner says I have his family now which is nice of course. But its not the same. I will embrace it of course, and make the most of it, but it makes me feel sad inside that I don't have aunts and uncles to joke around with about life.I feel like I literally have to close a door on my pre 20's, because I have no one to share or talk to about them(the good parts anyway). I do have my dad, but I had a shaky relationship with him up until about 11 years ago, I was brainwashed by mum that he was the most evil person in the world (which I now accept that my family feel like this about me :-) )Dad and I are now close and he's coming to my wedding with his partner.I just wish that what she has and what I've suffered, could be more widely understood, so I didn't have to manage this alone for so long. i.e. ''if it was a bi-polar issue, people understand oh, this needs to be medicated, must be so hard to watch your mum live with that''Apart from my dad and fiancé, no one else understands (friends and family) the true extent of it, they treat it as though ''yeah depression whatever' attitude, you're just too selfish to want to help'' its like a secret I have to live with. close friends do try to understand, but they counter offer with 'how about this' which I know is their way of showing they care, but to me it means they just cannot understand the full extent and effects of living with mothers with Borderline Personality Disorders.Its taken me to 33years old to truly learn how to cope with the relationship and others' perceptions of my decisions. I just wish it didn't have such sad outcomes, people don't realise I'm not the evil one, instead I get tarred with the nasty person/daughter brush. All I ever want is for people to be happy and be their best selves, id help in a heartbeat if friends need to talk, I don't shy away whatever the topic. But the moment I discuss getting through this wedding invite/mother stuff, they look at me as though I'm insincere, how can I pretend to help them when I am so cold towards my own mother.I try not to discuss it, but its such a big thing for me, its hard to keep it inside me alone, it hurts me.:-(
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female
reader, rosycheeks +, writes (7 April 2018):
rosycheeks is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you WiseOwl, very insightful and very moving words. really helps, my partner says somewhat similar advice, but I feel its bias towards making me feel better! but hearing it from someone else, just concretes I'm doing the right thing I guess, but i need to get over it, and close the door and move on with positivity. I hope god has good things planned :-) apart from a dysfunctional family, everything else in my life is good and I do cherish it.
mental health isn't well understood, I wish it was easier to understand and diagnose, would have helped me a great deal figuring out the cards I was dealt.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2018): Your wedding is going to be a joyful occasion. You cannot allow your mother's mental-illness overrun your life and rob you of your happiness. You are taking on a new family, who will appreciate you. You are blessed to still have your dad.
Brides always feel what you're feeling; because they want the perfect wedding. Most brides have to labor over who to invite and whom not to invite; that comes with the territory. You don't have the ideal family; sadly they may all have some sort of issue with dysfunction. It might do you best to accept the reality of things; but focus on your man and your future happiness.
Frustration with things you can't change is like spinning bare-tires on a sheet of ice. You get nowhere. You're wasting time and energy. You're talking about adults here. They are doing their best to pull you down, and you won't stop empowering them all with what they need to do that.
They probably wouldn't go to anybody's wedding; but are toying with your emotions and watching you squirm. You make them feel powerful, like they have some sort of control over your happiness. They don't, but you do!
You have been given the blessing of love. You have found yourself a man who loves you enough to make you his wife, his family embraces you, and your dad and his partner are now your closest family. Count your blessings and be grateful. You're concerned about how it looks that you don't have as many family and friends to invite as the groom.
It's not the quantity, it's the quality of the people you invite; and what they mean to you. Yes, you'd like a huge quest-list to impress his family; but the wedding is about joining two loving-people, not who they've invited. Shake it off and clear your head!
Stop focusing so much on the negativity of your situation; because darkness tends to rob us of joy and hope. You take love where you can find it, and you've found it. To look back only drags you back to the unhappiness of the past. Keep remembering that your mother is a sick woman. That doesn't mean you can't love her. Choose to forgiver her and go forward. You may have 50 or 60 more years to your life from here; and you better make the best of it.
You may decide to have a family of your own. You will be a better mother than your own; because you know exactly what you would have wanted from your mother. So you can make up for that by giving that love to your own husband and family.
God didn't overlook you, my dear. He has things in-mind for you, and that you can depend on. Your family didn't appreciate you; because you're different, and your unique spirit and willingness to accept them made them too uncomfortable. Unsavory people hold high suspicion towards people who don't think and behave like they do.
Don't hold it inside you. Let it go. Seek some counseling to help you cope with this pressure. Most of it is the wedding-planning; but trying to make sense of why your family are the type of people they are is only going to crush you. So just stop trying. They are adults now.
Your family have all formed their own opinions, lifestyles, and have held steadfast in their negativity; so it's time you just move on and start a new chapter in your life.
You have no choice but to leave them behind you. Accept the reality you can not change them; but that doesn't mean you can't love them in spite of their faults. You can't reverse history for the sake of a wedding. It is what it is. I know the embarrassment of the dysfunction exposed makes you feel bad; but your man loves you all the same. That is going to heal you to some degree; but you must also use your own inner-strength. Pray on it.
When your wedding-day comes, and you look into his eyes and you both exchange your vows; I pray all that love will just envelope you. I pray all you will see is you and your mate and all your future blessings together.
I wish you the best!
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