A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm 21 and have been living at home this whole time. I've wanted to move out before, but never had the means or options to do so. I had gotten a bit desperate to move out because my parents are too controlling and they act like children sometimes. They'll get mad and yell or even throw things over something incredibly minor. So, my only way was to join the Air Force (with their approval) in July, but many things have changed since. Recently, my boyfriend suggested I move in with him and go to school/work by his place. And, we both are financially prepared for this. About a month ago, I had confronted my mom about moving out MINUS the boyfriend part. I had told her I was going to live with a close friend (who she knows in real life who's been on her own for 3 years) and I laid out the whole plan (budget, work, etc). She had been in a bad mood that day and had said in a very negative tone, "I want to see you go do it." But, she was just talking; she didn't actually mean it. That night she had told my dad who quickly dismissed the idea of me moving out and said the air force was my ONLY option. I had confronted them once more a few days ago telling them the same plan about moving out and my mom had told me she wasn't going to force me to go to the air force, but that I wasn't allowed to move out. She had questioned why live away from home and go to school or work if I could live at home and do the same thing. And, she had started to yell and even at some point started crying, stating that it would drive her crazy and she would lose sleep worrying about me, which I know is natural. My dad had the same reaction from before stating air force was the only option. I remained very calm and would try to state that I'm an adult and that I need to do this because I wanted to be able to be out there in the real world and struggle because everyone struggles. That's how they learn. But, no matter how adult-like or calm I remained; they would yell and state that it wasn't going to happen. My older sister who has always sided with my parents had said to me if I was going to go through with my plan (packing up and leaving a note but not stating where I was going to be because they'll most likely go there and drag me back home); my parents would be hurt and devastated and that it would drive my parents crazy. And, my sister had said, "You're just going to leave us like that?" But, I'm just wanting to move out. She's been out there for 10 years. But, she's been the star child so it was much easier for her. I'm still going to call them to let them know I'm safe and update them whenever they call and even visit. But, when my sister said that; she made me feel incredibly guilty. I love my family, but I just want to move out and live my OWN life for once. But, do I do it at the cost of hurting my family? And, most likely them burning the bridges (not me to them; but them to me). Even with the constant emotional and physical abuse, they'll do nice things for me and it isn't always chaotic; but when it gets even a little bad; it's WWIII. My plan is to move out on Friday after work, pack up, and leave a note. What do I do when they call me yelling at me to go home and to tell them where I am and continuously yelling and calling me names or making me feel incredibly bad?
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female
reader, meccamega  +, writes (6 November 2010):
Hi I'm almost 24 and I have the same problem. Some parents just don't want their kids to grow up. I'll defiently take this advice on board. Thanks
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2010): I feel so sorry for you. I am in the same situation !. I want to go living and working abroad. I'm not sure how long it would be for, it might only be temporary, but my family keep shouting at me and telling me not to go, and they have even shouted at me sometimes when i have just been on short trips on my own, like for a couple of days or something, and i'm 26 !!.
I think all the advice here is excellent, and i'd like to take that on board myself ( although it's not as easy to say to your family that you're leaving and then hop on a plane the same day !. But if i tell them earlier , i'll have weeks of them having a go at me before i go ) . I understand their concerns, but i'm old enough to do what i want, and so are you. If your family gives you any trouble, i would ring the police, and that is what i would do too.
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (3 November 2010):
 I agree you should just move out, you need to do this for your own sake. But dont just leave a note - that is wrong. And lying about who you are living with - again that is very wrong. Here is what I think you should do:
1. Pack up all your stuff and get your boyfriend to help move it all into his place
2. Go back home when your parents are back in the house, and take your boyfriend with you for support. Get him to stay in the car outside and then keep your phone on you so you can text him if things get a bit ugly.
3. This is what you should say "Mum, dad - I love you both very much and I am so grateful for everything you have done for me, but I am 21 and now I am an adult I need to move out and have my own space, I need to stand on my own two feet and live my life. So I am moving out tonight, I am moving in with my boyfriend and this is our new address (hand them a note with your new address and home phone number if you have one). I would love this to be with your blessing, as you mean so much to me and I dont want this to ruin our relationship. (Hopefully at this point they might be ok with it and accept it but if not then say this) But if you feel you cannot give me your blessing I am still going ahead, I need to do this for myself and I am sorry if you cannot accept this. But I hope that in time you will come to be ok with this and I would love you to come round for dinner next (insert day when you can have them round) and me and (insert boyfriend's name) will cook for you both.
4. Walk out the door! Hopefully after your little speech to them they will just accept it is happening, but from the sounds of things they will be upset and may be angry - but they cannot do anything apart from physically restrain you, and if they lay a hand on you then text your boyfriend and get him to come in and help you out. They cannot hurt you or physically stop you from leaving, so all you have to do is remain strong and walk out.
I imagine they will be pretty angry for a few weeks, they may decline your invite for them to come round to your new house etc but after all, you are their child and they love you - with time they will come round. If you prove to them that you keep in touch (give them a ring once or twice a week) and visit them, and keep on inviting them to your new place - then that will show them that you are not abandoning them and you are still their daughter regardless of where you live. They cannot stay angry forever just because you have grown up and moved out, they are adults after all so once the anger has subsided they will get over it. Just be strong - the stronger you are with them the sooner they will realise they cant get their own way with you any more!
If they are verbally abusive to you once you have moved out - then ignore it. If you ring them and they keep on calling you names etc, then just politely say "I am sorry but I did not call you just to be spoken to like this, I wanted to see how you are but if you are going to be like this then I am going now, please call me when you are ready to talk properly". Keep being the mature adult here, if you are consistent and dont give in to their demands or name calling, then eventually (it might take a long time!) you will win the battle!
And even if they know where you live, they cannot literally break into the house and drag you out, you will be living with your boyfriend and he is there for support and protection. If they show up and are agressive, then simply dont let them in until they have calmed down. Keep the door locked and windows shut - if they are getting violent or agressive then call the police, it is not fair to live in fear of people like this. I know you wouldnt want to do this to your parents but if they do get really bad then they need to see this is behaviour that evokes fear and intimidation which is a criminal offence. If they get a warning from the police then this actually might make them realise how ridiculous they are being!
Dont worry about "hurting" your family - you are not hurting them at all, they are just being selfish and childish - this is not real "hurt". The only person who is hurting in all of this is you, they are stopping you from having a life and at the same time controlling you and making you feel guilty for everything you do. So once you have moved out, you will put an end to all this and hopefully given some time you can have a good relationship with your parents rather than this incredibly messed up relationship you have now.
So be as honest with them as you can - get all of your stuff out of the house beforehand but make sure you tell them where you are going and who you are living with. Dishonesty will only make it worse and may mean you lose your parents trust. So tell the truth, then get out of there. Any real agression or violence towards you or your boyfriend should be reported to the police, but hopefully it wont come to that.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (3 November 2010):
 At 21, you do not need your parent's permission or approval to move out. You only need a place to live in, and the money to support yourself. Apparently you've got both- case closed.
They'll yell and scream- ONCE. As soon as you've closed the door behind yourself, it's not your problem anymore. They can either keep yelling uselessly till their are blue in their face, or understand that they are wasting their breath. I'm sure that eventually they 'll chose the second option.
You should not have to run away at night like a rebellious teenager. Just pack your stuff, greet politely and GO. They cannot physically detain you against your will- it's a crime. If they should arrive to that,- call your boyfriend for help, or even the police. Very drastic, but for extreme harm, extreme remedies.
I am a parent myself, and most of the times I am shamelessly on the parents' side, in Dear Cupid, and in life. But what you are telling us is simply insane and you should not let it go on.
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