A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So this may all sound a bit childish and trivial but I'm hoping to get some perspective and make sense of this all. Thanks everyone for reading.My boyfriend and I have been together nearly 4 years and living together for 3 and a half. Hes 10 years older than me. Now when he turned 30, a year and a half ago, he freaked out. He had to call a handful of exes, exchange emails with even more and so on. He said he had to figure out himself and come to terms with his past. OK, I said. But after a year and a half of him telling me he isnt sure he is in the right place anymore, turning 30 made him question everything, I have gotten pretty irritated with it all, esp the looking up and contacting not only old exes but now people he wished hed gotten with at some point.He always gives the excuse that his phone, which he has only had for 6 months mind you, pops up with birthday reminders for these girls he knew 4+ years ago and so he goes, looks them up online, and starts talking to them. Of course he tries to hide this but the thing with the internet, esp facebook, is that it tells you what your friends are up to, without you having to even look. Yesterday morning I was shown that he has now looked up the girl he almost had a sexual harassment suit filed at work against for his lewd commentary on her. As far as Im aware, they havent spoken in 3 years and she doesnt even live in the same city as us. He has even asked me if he could take the ex before me out for her birthday to a bar before I was 21 because they had been texting and she invited him out.I feel ridiculous getting so upset over things like facebook. When I talk to him about it, he says sorry but that he needs friends so hes going to continue doing it. We have lots of friends and he has a very close guy friend whom he could email or call or whatever. I get the needing to talk to outside people, but exclusively females he was or is interested in?I want a future with him but I feel I cant trust him at all. The latest event has really made me question our relationship. I dont deserve to be treated like this and feel I am settling. I just want him to either break up with me or get over turning 30 or whatever his issue is. Im trying to wait it out and be there but my patience is running real thin.Am I overreacting to this since hes not actually physically cheating on me? Or after more than a year of this behavior, do I have every right to be upset and question my future with this man?
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to everyone for the responses to this. I especially appreciated the view from another male as well. Its been very helpful reading all these, given me a less clouded view on it all.
Im still trying to figure out when to initiate the conversation. I just feel so hurt and love him so much. I wish this werent happening :(
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (4 October 2010):
 No your not over reacting and you do have a right to be upset, we all associate cheating with being physical but it can be verbal as well some people tend to forget this.
It sounds like when your man turned 30 he just freaked out about settling down and started contacting his ex's which is wrong. Fair enough if there was somethings he needed to settle in his past to make you and him stronger but it just sounds like he is wanting to feel like there are other girls that want him.
It may all be innocent and he may want to just feel wanted by other girls, but asking you could he take his ex out for her birthday just went a step two far i think. Especially when you werent at the legal age so you couldnt go to a bar with him.
You need to sit him down and explain to him that this is causing you a lot of pain and that you cant deal with it anymore, sure its ok for him to have female friends and you male friends, but ex's are just taking it a step to far. You need to tell him you are not comfortable anymore and you are losing trust in him and lets face it there is'nt much of a relationship if there is no trust, so you need to give him an ultimatum either he works at his relationship with you or else he can go his own way and do whatever he likes with his ex's.
I no this is scary and its hard but its better you find out now where is priorities lie than in 5 years time when you have drove your self mental with worry and trust issues.
I hope he makes the right choice and stands by you, good luck darling.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2010): How do you know he's not cheating on you? Sounds like since he's turned 30, he's missing his youth and relates to these girls because they were a part of his youth. It may be innocent on his part, but, really, does he not have any guy friends from his youth that he can look up?
I think for any guy to even ask his girlfriend if he can go out with another girl to celebrate her birthday is truly mean and inconsiderate. He is only thinking of himself and not at all considering your feelings!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2010): Stop questioning your intuition on this one. Of course you have the right to be upset over what he is doing. I think if I was in your place, I may have already broken up with him, based on what you have described. After so many years with you if he still has that many doubts about you, I would say adios, figure yourself out on your own, I'm going to go find someone that's ready to love me.
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