A
female
age
30-35,
*eronicaR
writes:My name is Veronica, ill be 18 next month, i dont know if our younge ages effect our relationship my fiance is 20, yes i am engaged.. im constantly arguing with, i feel like this is just pushing us apart, we have 2 baby girls so that builds more strees in our relationship. I dont want us to end over this arguments how can i calm down and keep him cooled down?
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (12 August 2011):
 It's the age. You are both inexperienced with relationships and arguments and how to deal with conflicts. It's something you learn through practice really. You need to have self discipline, learn what battles are worth fighting and which things you just need to let go, learn to know yourself and when you need to cool off, learn to not be stubborn but humble, and learn to say sorry when you need to apologize. These things however take time and effort.
If you and your boyfriend are committed to staying together, talk about the fights. The fights could be a phase of your relationship, parents can fight especially when there is a lot of stress, and EVERY couple of parents fight. Some times even wedding rings go flying into the trash can. But if you are committed, you swallow the bitterness with the good and get through it. Eventually you will learn how to deal with each other in an argument. But it takes that you both are equally devoted to each other and the relationship, and only time will tell if you are.
But talk to him first about your concerns, but that you want to stay together through it and hope in time you will figure out your communication problems. Poor communication is often the reason behind fights, unless you deliberately are out to hurt one another. Learning communication techniques, and what works for your relationship, is learned only though experience with relationships. As you are too young to know from previous serious relationship, you will have to stick it out with him and learn through time with him. You could end up figuring out it is too much to handle, and that the love has burned up in the process, but you could also come out on the other side as a strong couple who's been through hell and made it out alive.
Talk to him about goals for your relationship and commitment to the relationship, and how you can better communicate your differences and difficulties. It's not a solution, but it is a beginning. Acknowledge that there is a problem with the relationship, and work to solve it. Also talk about your thoughts around the problems, and how long you think it will take to fix it, and if they can be fixed. Google how to have healthy fights, or how to have an argument, there are several smart step-guides out there. Look through them together.
Figuring out how to handle difficulties in a relationship can take a few years. I would say though that within a year you should have been able to sort through the more serious problems. Personal development comes at a later stage, maybe 2-3 years, so you need to be patient and give each other some slack on the smaller difficulties.
If things at any point get dangerous though, self destructive, violent, not safe for the children, it is much better to break apart and be parents who are friends, than parents who are together in constant argument. Think of what's best not only for you as a person, but also for your little girls.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2011): You have 2 girls when you are still a girl. So for once DONT have more kids, at least mature a little before them. You are not ready to be in such relationship at that age, no matter what you say you are not mentally stable and are still an adolescent. So cut the drama, and stop arguing, people at 20 think about different things that you think when you are 17. It sounds to me like he is stressed out, having kids does that to couple, which makes it a mistake having kids at that age becuase you CANT cool down and things are angst and emotional. Just relax, dont accuse him unless you have proof, try to talk rationally and behave like adults, never get physical. And try to let the small stuff go, like he forgot the milk, dont make a big deal out of it, try to compromise and go together an buy it, thats a marriage you have to learn what is worth fighting for or you will keep making his life hell. Again never get physical, a girl at work slapped her bf, they also made the mistake of having kids at your age, and for that slap she lost custody of her child and is currently fighting for it. So try to compromise and talk to him and tell him you love him and try to make it work, ask him what he would like to change about your relationship and try to listen and tell him how you feel. Always try to talk calmly, and never take any abuse. Go to the police if you ahve to.
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