A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Immediate problem: my husband went away to a beer festival over the weekend with 5 other single guys when I specifically told him it made me uncomfortable and I didn't want him to go. The reason why this is a bigger issue than it would be normally: We have already previously seperated and have only been working on rebuilding our marriage for about 6 months. He has had alcohol problems in the past and we seperated because he needed to be alone for his midlife crisis. He came back around claiming he was a changed man and to please give him another chance. So, I have been trying to do so. Only problem is, I don't feel like his changes are that significant and the fact that he just out right defied my feelings and chose to go to this festival regardless of what I said, is just like what he used to do, and I think his timing is very poor considering the fragile state of our marriage and the fact that I am trying to trust him again.I don't know what to do. I am seriously contemplating going ahead with a divorce because I just don't think he's really changed nor do I appreciate him choosing this event over keeping things kosher between us. The only plan I have right now is to completely ignore him until I have a set plan of action. (we currently live in different countries so ignoring won't be difficult.) Is it a good idea to ignore/avoid him? Is the fact that his "more of the same" behavior grounds for divorce?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2009): Thank you all for your advice. I really appreciate the support and thoughts. I especially agree with you "softouchmale" that there is obviously a total lack of respect and that is why my thoughts and feelings haven't ever come first. On the other hand, "baddogbj" you are certainly entitled to your opinion and I 100% agree that no husband should be at their wife's complete and total control. You fail to realize though that I don't usually put him under restriction. It was this one time based on the conditions that there would be a great deal of alcohol involved and he is an alcoholic that I told him that I was uncomfortable and he still went anyway. Maybe I am mistaken, but I think that in a marriage that if you are trying to do something that your spouse really doesn't want you to do, you should take that into account and not act like a rebellious teenager and totally disregard how they feel for the sake of a good time where you can't control yourself. If you can't occassionally sacrifice and do or not do something for the greater good of the most important relationship (the marriage) than you're absolutely right. He should get out now!In any event, I have some tall thinking to do. I am tired of being disrespected and disregarded. I honored my husband's request and my own feelings of love and desire to make the marriage work and gave him the second chance he begged for, but apparently, he hasn't changed and life is just too short for me to keep banging my head against the wall trying to be an equal partner with this person.
A
male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (19 September 2009):
 The language that you use is pretty revealing:
"... when I specifically told him it made me uncomfortable and I didn't want him to go."
" ... just out right defied my feelings"
He is your husband (for the time being) not a dog or a difficult child in a classroom or a prisoner in your charge. No man should take orders from his wife and no wife should expect her husband to walk at heel 24 hours a day.
If he was writing in to this site I would advise him to get out now.
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A
male
reader, Red Green 0289 +, writes (19 September 2009):
You don't need "grounds" for divorce anymore... the fact you want out is enough.
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A
female
reader, califnan +, writes (19 September 2009):
 It is true, marriage can be hard enough - withou being long distance ..i.e. living in two countries.. If the relationship between you and your husband is so hurtful, that you would wish to divorce - Prepare in your mind about your future first..If you are already in a job - think if this is the job that will keep you satisfied until retirement .. I think that when women divorce, they should think about their financial future first.. If you are not currently employed, you may wish to prepare for a time that you will need to work, with further education etc..
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (19 September 2009):
 Hi there. You say that you're living in two countries and trying to work on your marriage. It seems that it would be very hard to do that at a distance.
But in either event, it seems like he's already living his own life, and he's choosing to do things deliberately that you don't want him to do.
I suppose that by going no-contact with him, that might raise his suspicions that you intend to file for divorce. It would also signal to him that you're rather upset about his activities.
The midlife crisis is another issue as well. Some guys have to go crazy during this time, others rarely even notice it.
But it seems he's putting his interests first and not taking your interests and opinions seriously.
This in turn creates major trust issues.
No one can tell you what to do here because you know him better than any of the rest of us. But it seems that you've already told us where you're headed.
He's not significantly improved his behavior towards you, and it also looks like he's not keeping your agreement setting aside the marriage for a beer festival.
The underlying theme here is he doesn't respect you and so what you want is secondary.
The ultimate question as to whether "more of the same behavior" is grounds for a divorce, that's a legal issue that no one but a divorce lawyer can answer. Most states have no fault divorce laws so between that and physical separation, you could file. No one's going to stop you.
THe only thing I haven't seen anywhere in your question is that you love him. Which tells me you don't. If you don't love him anymore, then let him go. It may be painful to his ego to think you're divorcing him, but its also painful to you that you're married to a man who won't listen to you or pay attention to what you want in your marriage.
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