A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:so i come from a very conservative background. i'm indian, my family believes in marriages only with those who are indian, and care mostly for their own reputation. not too long ago, they found out i was dating an american boy for almost a year now. my sibling found out and told my parents right away, and i was in severe trouble. my mother called me a whore, hit me (nothing too hard to leave a bruise), etc. my dad said he would hang himself, my mother said she'd kill herself. it's horrible, and they even threatened to send me to india and withdraw me from school. basically anything to get me from leaving. they think if i leave or date someone non-indian, i'm the town whore, and their reputation is tarnished forever.i tried to compromise with them the best i could, trying to explain that i want them to at least give the relationship a chance because they've met my boyfriend and always said how good of a boy he is, how wonderful, and he's done so many things to help us. he has a job, has a wonderful family, and there is nothing bad about him. he and i both have been through a lot, and he respects me, and my culture. but, my parents refuse to see the light and give it a chance. they do not allow me to hang out with any of my friends, my boyfriend, and the only time i can leave is if i'm with them. they want me to "blend with the family" and spend time with them by "going to get groceries" or go see a movie with them. i don't mind this, but, at the same time i do wish to see my friends and also hang out with them. they take this in a very paranoid way and refuse to let me out because they think i'm with my boyfriend. they even have a slight panic attack if i walk in the front door five minutes late.it's all the death threats, threats of sending me out of the country, the sheltering, the archaic mannerisms that are just upsetting me. it's not a good place for me to grow. so my boyfriend offered for me to live with him, and even his entire family welcomes me with open arms. but if i were to leave, that means that my parents may carry out their death threats, i'd have no family for my children to ever look towards, anything! but i love my boyfriend, and i want to be with him. so what do i do? stay or go? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2012): to Foot-In-My-Mouth, i am about to turn 18 in a few days, hence why it showed up as 16-17.
i have spoken to them regarding my education, have tried to compromise in every way possible, so has my boyfriend, and he has always come over for dinner and my parents have shown how much they like him, but when the issue of us dating comes up, they think he's horrible.
thank you to all of you for your wonderful responses! i appreciate them all and everyone rooting for me. i may try to speak to them one by one again, but, easier said than done. i shall try to have my boyfriend with me as well to reassure them.
A
female
reader, Foot-In-My-Mouth  +, writes (14 April 2012):
 I'm going through exactly the same situation. In my case, my boyfriend is English. Your parents are not racist. They're scared that you will never be able to come to terms with American culture and your boyfriend won't understand or appreciate the Indian way of looking at things. Face the facts. The cultural differences are colossal. The attitudes, the mindsets, the basic philosophy governing the east and the west are different. These are not impossible to bridge but very, very difficult. We Indians take things like marriage and divorce a lot more seriously, perhaps too seriously. We go through hell to keep a marriage going, even if it causes great unhappiness. That's how we are. Eastern philosophy is centred around the collective view of society as opposed to an indiviudualistic view. They're not irreconciliable but you have to understand that the chances of this not working out are greater than the chances of its working out. Date him longer, don't jump into decisions. And don't do something as silly as moving into his house. They're your parents remember? No matter how ridiculously they're behaving, they're only worried about your future, your happiness. You're the focal point of their lives. Be patient now, complete your education. Let your boyfriend prove his intentions...one year is far too early to decide. Just play it down and get everyone to calm down. With time, they'll come around and understand your perspective. You're just 16! I'd freak out too if I were your mother! And don't sleep with him till you're atleast 18...please!!
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A
female
reader, Redbaglover9  +, writes (14 April 2012):
I'm an Indian too, I know exactly how you feel. Don't leave them they're your parents in the end, if you want to spend some time with him your guy you guys can join a class together?
My parents had such notions too but I took care of it. I sat with them face to face and told them that I am a grown up now and I would like to take my life decisions myself, it doesn't matter if the decision is right or wrong, either I'll benefit from it or I'll regret it but it's upon me. Also tell them how hard you will concentrate on your studies, that's a big thing for Indian parents.
Good luck :) tell me how it goes!
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A
female
reader, Shadow Rose +, writes (14 April 2012):
 Well, your parents are not in India, and you need to tell them this. You need to sit them down and explain to them that America has different culture than India, and although you respect the Indian culture, you are in America, and you really love this boy.
Tell them that their threats of killing themselves are both cowardly and silly. Tell them that you would hope they would not end their lives just because of your love, or something like that.
You need to talk to them again, tell them that you love spending time with them, and you love them very much, but you dating an american is not such a horrible thing.
Perhaps you could ask if he could come over for dinner and get to know them better? Or, if your parents are deeply into Indian culture, perhaps your boyfriend could demonstrate some knowledge and respect of their culture. It always works, trust me. My boyfriend made it known that he likes bagpipe music (I'm mostly Scottish, especially from my dad's side), and my dad started to like him more!
I'm rooting for you!
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (14 April 2012):
 I wouldn't go live with them yet. Their family can be wonderful you but what if you and him are incompatible in many ways and then you break up? Then you would have nowhere else to turn to. Tell your parents not to worry and you are not getting serious with him. Continue your education, make money, then you can decide what you want to do in life. It's sad when you don't have your own money you just have to listen to your closest relatives for now. Unless you can get married and elope with him right now, then it could be different.
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A
female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (14 April 2012):
 Let me explain something to you sweetheart, your parents are not going to kill themselves over this. That's insane, and your parents otherwise sound like reasonably logical people. However, you need to understand that them using guilt and fear to keep you away from a young man that you care about is extremely unhealthy and abusive. They aren't acting logically, or thinking logically.
Tell your parents you need to speak to them person to person, one at a time so that they don't feed off each other's insane energy. Then tell your parents the truth, that they're more concerned about their reputation than your heart, and they're hurting you for no good reason, out of archaic traditions that are racist and bigoted.
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