A
male
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30-35,
*Play
writes:Hello everyone,I will firstly give some context on the situation. I am currently in a long-distance relationship with a woman who lives in Italy. I live in the UK. We have been together for 8 months. We were living in the UK together until a couple of months ago, when she moved back to Italy to re-start her career as a lawyer.The plan is for me to eventually move to Italy to join her, finding work in teaching English. We have felt it best to wait until she finds work and can settle down away from her family home.My problem here is that while I deeply care for this woman, she has never been forthcoming with intimacy or her emotions. This has been a problem in the past, where the lack of a deeper line of communication has made me second guess the relationship.I understand enough about her character to know that she doesn't like to share her emotions, so I have come to accept that she is an extremely independent and self-reliant woman. I feel there is a huge depth to her character because of this, and I adore this quality in her.However, as a result of her unwillingness to open up about her feelings, I am often wondering how she actually feels about our relationship. While I have accepted she is an unemotional person, it is becoming harder and harder to be sure if my moving to Italy is something she wants. I have brought this up with her in the past but her response has been non-enthusiastic. 'That was the plan.'I am torn between believing that if I carry on supporting her she will become more affectionate once her career is settled, or alternatively that she just isn't that committed to the relationship and doesn't feel enough for it.So my question here is, what should my course of action be? I have a fulfilling life outside of the relationship, but the current situation is bringing me down as I can never truly seem to find out what her or my own stance is. Kind regards,Alex Reply to this Question
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reader, APlay +, writes (9 September 2014):
APlay is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou WiseOwl,Your response has been extremely helpful, and I can relate your experience with your partner to my own relationship a great deal.I came to the same conclusion a while ago, in that I knew in order to see more of this woman's passionate side I had to show her gradually what it feels to be loved.However, as distance put a strain on the relationship I feel I lost sight of this, and for a time started to give up on being my affectionate self around her, since she was not initiating the same.We are still planning to live together in Italy, so there is an end to the distance in sight. I will continue to go with my instincts and continue to show her that I care about her while respecting the need for space. I agree that something has made her very cautious with her trust, whether that is her career choice or a past relationship. I will keep my original goal in mind in supporting her so that, if she chooses, some of those barriers can come down.Kind Regards,Alex
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reader, Mark1978 +, writes (9 September 2014):
 "That WAS the plan" or "that IS the plan"?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2014): Having lived with someone practicing law for half my adult-life. You have to understand something about the personality of those who choose that profession. They can be cerebral and not as affectionate and emotional as the average-person. Like accountants. I had to nearly squeeze emotion out of my partner. I know this is generalizing, but I've been around lawyers a long-time.
He read a lot, he didn't like people to read his thinking, or judge his expressions; and he felt he always had to be serious in order to be taken seriously. In a nut-shell, it was quite frustrating at first.
Higher education and ambition really changed his personality from the time we met, until he finished law school. Everyone noticed the difference. It was hard to say if it was good or bad. I can tell you it's difficult when you're in-love with that person; because you need to feel that they love you back. He had ways of demonstrating it; but you had to milk emotion out of the guy. He was really warm and sweet underneath. Maybe I'm biased. Someone else may give a different characterization. I just learned and figured how to get to his good-side again. A lot of work mind you; but it was there.
I knew him from our teens. He was a lot more fun and outgoing. Yet he had a very detached and self-centered side. Lots of friends, but not as "friendly" as the type of people he liked being around. Driven to succeed. He would always be the one to suddenly go serious, or get unexpectedly quiet in the crowd. Drift away into himself. One difference... he liked to be heard. He had a lot to say. He loved debate, and got bored with people who didn't read, or stay abreast of current events. I knocked him off his high horse on occasion. It intimidated people, and sometimes they didn't like him. That is, until they figured him out.
I could make him giggle or loose his cool. Throw him off-guard. Once you get to know her better, you'll learn how to push the right buttons. So be patient. You're an affectionate sort of guy, and so am I. That's why they chose us over other people. Not everyone can stand their type of detachment. Distance isn't helping you. It's causing arrested-development in your relationship. Hang in there.
I have the advantage of knowing my partner for years. You met her only 8 months ago; then most of that is with distance between you. So patience is essential. If she just isn't emotional at all; there may be more to it. She just may have a more dominant personality than yours, and you have to get accustomed to that. Dominance is not necessarily gender-specific. So you have to learn more about what makes her tick. That's hard to do when all you have are devices between you to keep you connected. Make sure that you're not dealing with narcissism. You're trapped before you know it. Narcissists can be charming, but don't really know how to give by emotion.
My mate often came across too cocky and arrogant. He understood what I was trying to do for him; and he allowed me to gauge and temper (not control) that side of him. It works in a courtroom, but not in general society. It's not just the profession, it's their psychological makeup. They have to project an image. They can't be easily rattled or appear timid. They can't always turn it off.
Sometimes people of that nature have to be coached a little to open-up. Warning; Go easy on being critical and trying to change her. You were attracted to who she is, not who you want her to be. I was the same way. I wanted my partner to be more like his friends. Then, looking back when I met him, it was the guy who was too mature for his age that made me like him so much. I just wanted someone I didn't feel so "intimidated" by.
I watched his gradual transformation from boy to manhood. His upbringing and personality was to be very serious and a high achiever. To be taken very seriously. Maybe she feels being a woman, and in her chosen profession; her looks and gender may take away from being viewed as a strong and intelligent person. My partner's boss used to have him use his looks to woo clients. His serious personality also gave looks brains. So it worked for him.
His charm was a little forced, but I like that. As he matured, he softened. He opened up to me. He gradually became less "Spock-like." One OP likened this personality to being Vulcan. That hit the nail on the head. However;
his warmed started to show through over-time. Especially toward me. The one who put up with him, and fought back.
Even under exasperation. He didn't give-up on me, nor did I give-up on him. It's a process, believe me. I just hope you're not incompatible. We did have arguments. They were usually a battle over dominance. I also wondered if maybe I made the wrong decision. Maybe it was a bad choice. I bit off more than I could chew. We made it work somehow. For 28 eight years. Cancer killed him; but not my love. Nor what
turned out to be a very loving relationship between opposites. I learned not to be so wimpy and sappy. He and my military training made me tougher. Maybe that's why I could handle the personality-type. I grew up in an affectionate family. So we sometimes have to teach others what comes so naturally for us. It will rub off.
The key is, if they like you enough.
I can't take credit; but I think he just stopped taking himself so seriously. Your girlfriend is strictly business; if she's fresh out of law school. Long hours of studying in order to achieve, took a lot of "sweetness" out of her.
So be affectionate to her. Not clingy. Don't change her, but let the goodness and affectionate side of you bring out that side of her naturally and instinctively. It took me a long-time to learn this; because I was the nerdy easy-going and shy-type. I went into the military, and the guys brought out a more extroverted side of myself. They never pushed me, they "coaxed" it out of me. Like teaching a kid to ride a bicycle. Let them roll thinking it's under their own power, even if you are the reason they're rolling. I hope you get my analogy.
You have to spend more intimate time together. You have to get under her skin in a good way. She will only let you, if you take your time and let her warm-up to you. She may have suffered a lot of heartbreak and manipulation from those before you.
She also may not want you to see her vulnerable side just quite yet. The jury may still be out on just how much she really cares for you. Many OP's just want too much too fast. So almost every aunt and uncle may caution you to take your time. If she isn't that into you? Lawyers don't have a difficult time getting a point across.
Try and spend a little more time together when you can. That way, she will truly sense your feelings toward her, and may be able to reciprocate. Also be sure that you both are on the same page. Don't allow your feelings to get too far ahead of hers. That scares the hell out of women. Your relationship is pretty new. Things are a little delayed by the distance and personality differences. You have a lot of factors to consider, not knowing her that well.
Worst comes to worst. Let her go, and find yourself someone more openly-affectionate and emotional.
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