A
female
age
36-40,
*loveribbons
writes:Hi. I posted a question earlier on but I didn't get any replies so I'm trying again and really hoping someone can help me! My boyfriend broke up with me about a month ago after 7 months together. We are both in our early twenties and we were extremely happy together. He has some major problems with insecurity though, something to which he would never admit, and puts on a very arrogant front. he would often get it into his head that there was no way I could love him the way he loved me, and that I must be cheating on him. It was like he thought the relationship was too good to be true, and he often said this. So he ended things and I have been devastated. I cut contact with him because I believed it was the best thing to do if I ever wanted him back. He got in contact with me several weeks ago, and often calls, texts, or comes up to me on nights out. He jhas told me he loves me, misses me, etc, and he is also making a big effort with my friends..something he never did before. I am DYING to get back with him because there is still a huge amount of love and a big spark.I do not want to push thing though or put pressure on him because I don't think that would be productive. The thing is though, he has said that I am not making the effort to contact him, which I admit is true. So I initiated contact yesterday afternoon, after two days of not hearing anything from him. He did not reply to my text though, so now I am so confused and upset. I am terrified. Please do not tell me to ask him straight out because I do not believe forcing the issue will help. I just really need some opinions on what's going on. Thank you all so much.xxxxx
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male
reader, softtouchmale2003  +, writes (8 September 2009):
 First of all he has some serious trust issues with you.
The cornerstone of any relationship is trust. If he doesn't have the ability to trust, and he's insecure, then the real issue is in his mind and in his heart.
One of the things you could try to do is ask him why he believes he loves you more than you him. Why does he think you're straying when in fact, as you put it, you're all into him as it is.
It seems to me he needs to set aside the jealousy and trust problems. In order to do that, though, I think he has some anger issues beneath the surface. Has he had bad relationships in the past, maybe someone strayed from him before, or some other thing happened in his life? If so, maybe that's what's got him thinking irrationally the way he is.
Without that trust you can't build a strong relationship because its the foundation of any relationship. I think he has an idealized view of your relationship, and that's what he misses.
The best thing you can do is try and talk to him outright if possible and failing that, simply wait until he calls you again. Then ask him to meet with you somewhere, where you can ask him why he doesn't trust you and why he thinks so ill of you.
The reason why I raise this is that when someone has an insecurity problem, and a trust problem, its because there's some sort of underlying issue that needs to be put out of the way first. If he doesn't recognize what that is, and eliminate it from your relationship, he could become even more abusive than he is now.
The only other question I have is does he suffer from major depression or mania problems? If that's the case then its a matter of controlling it either through management or medication and management.
Its so hard to understand what's going on because as you're saying it, he's all over the Richter scale and its hard to put a finger on where he is. He simply has no anchor or reference point from the outsider's point of view.
I would caution that taking him back with him being like this is only going to lead to more of the same. So the behavior has to change, and he has to demonstrate that he can trust you, and you can at least then try to move closer to him emotionally so that he can feel your dedication and devotion to him.
Its very hard with fidgety people like this, because they are so fleeting and get spooked so easily. So its a very slow and patient process. If its done right, gently and properly he could actually find true happiness. But the happiness has to start inside himself first. You can't have joy when one of you is so terrified and lashing out in anger and confusion that it clouds the relationship.
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