A
female
age
41-50,
*hpcoal
writes:I have been in a relationship for 8 years. We are 27. Both of our parents have been divorced. Regardless, I feel the need to get married someday! He doesn't. He thinks marriage is a piece of paper, a legal document only and doesn't mean anything. He said he is 100% committed to me, which I believe. We own a house together as of 3 years ago. Anyway, long story short he told me the other night that the only way we would get married is if we were having kids together. As in, WHEN I have a kid, not when we decide to. Advice?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2010): I agree with your BF, its not important. In fact it is a danger to young men financially and emotionally or at least the divorce part is. Stay safe, stay single.
A
female
reader, jhpcoal +, writes (8 June 2010):
jhpcoal is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate everyone's insight. It's really helping me hear what other people have to say. I mean, obviously it goes a lot further than I let on.
He has it in his head that 70% of marriages end in divorce, etc... his dad cheated on his mom, remarried. Mom was remarried and divorced 3 times.
I come from a divorced family too but it doesn't mean I don't ever want a wedding. Everyone around me is getting married and having kids.
We do have a good life. He is really good to me and gives me most everything I need, would do anything for me, etc. But sometimes I feel a lack of an emotional connection. I've told him this before that we feel like friends more than anything. I know it's good to be best friends but sometimes, it would be nice to have something more. And now that we've had this conversation he doubts my commitment to him.
I should also add that he got diagnosed with testicular cancer last year and is infertile for a few years if not forever. So the matter of having kids is uncertain right now.
It does break my heart that he doesn't think we need to get married. But, sorry. I'm a girl and I want a wedding. I never thought I did until it was denied from me.
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A
male
reader, Hippieman182  +, writes (8 June 2010):
 You should make it known exactly how important marriage is to you and ask why he thinks you two should get married when you have kids but not before? Some people think that as soon as you get married it changes things..maybe he's just worried it'll be that way with you two and doesn't want to lose you..or maybe i'm just looking to far into this and its just as simple as what he said it is.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2010): Wow - he is really calling all the shots here isn't he?! He is deciding when you get married and how that will tie in with having children. Its like an ultimatum. "I won't consider marriage until...." This is a very negative situation and if I was the kind of woman to feel marriage was important (commitment, stability, love) then my heart would be breaking. He is in danger of stealing your hopes and dreams. My concern is that this sense of control he has (which although understandable to a degree) regarding marriage will spill into other aspects. It doesn't seem like he is acknowledging your feelings - rather invalidating them like they are rubbish and won't matter. Ask yourself whether you want to be with a man who disregards your dreams so readily.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2010): At one level, your boyfriend is right. Marriage IS just a piece of paper. It won't make a poor relationship great. It won't transform your relationship into something quintessentially different in a metaphysical sense. And it won't give you extra emotional security over and above what you already have, because there are sadly many people who have cheated on their spouses. It's simply an external ceremony that demonstrates a legal commitment and a division of property.
However, marriage clearly means something more TO YOU - something important and emotional! And that is not insignificant - essentially, he's refusing to do something that would make you happy, for no other reason than that he doesn't want to do it! Surely your feelings and wishes are important, and he should be willing sometimes to go along with things you want even if they aren't a big deal to him? Unless he can muster up a stronger argument against marriage as an institution that is deeply wrong and immoral (and that is a perspective that people can legitimately take, for instance those who agree with equal rights for all might object on the grounds that only heterosexual couples can do it), there's no real reason for him not to do this for you if he is 100% committed. To put it another way, if your boyfriend thinks that marriage is a triviality, then what's the problem with giving that piece of paper to you, because you want it and it would make you feel good? If it means nothing to him, but would please you, where's the loss to him in just going along with your wishes?
You may need to make this point to him, gently and in a non-confrontational way. You might also need to probe his thoughts and feelings more deeply. He may be afraid of the expense, stress and fuss of a big wedding - in which case you might also need to compromise and accept a modest, simple and inexpensive ceremony in deference to his preferences. Showing him that this is important to you, but that you're willing to make some adjustments to your dream, might be the way forward.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2010): This guy sounds no different than every young & divorced guy I know.
Most of them were thrilled to get married the first time, they hated to see it break up, they pictured themselves getting remarried as soon as they found someone else . . .
. . . and then by the time they were through with the divorce process they had sworn off ever getting legally married again.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2010): thats ridiculous that he only wants to get married if you're having a child. marriage is a public show of commitment, and the paper and ring are something that hold people together. Though all troubles happen in a relationship, if these troubles arise and you are married, there is a committment there that you will work through it. if you aren't married, then who's to say that maybe one of you just changed your mind? marriage is meant to keep people in love together through all circumstances. it's not just some piece of legal paper.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (8 June 2010):
 8 years. This man will never marry you, even with a child. A marriage is so much more than a piece of paper. It represents security and a stronger bond than just being together. How can he say that he's 100% committed when he holds back his resources from you and leaves himself a quick out if he chooses?
That's not 100%. A marriage is a covenant. It makes a spouse family and binds him to you for life. Getting a divorce is a "death" in the family. Your man has commitment issues. If you need the marriage, it'll have to be with someone else.
You do NOT want kids with this type of guy. Kids are even more of a commitment than marriage, and he will bail on you.
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A
male
reader, Kama  +, writes (8 June 2010):
 A marriage, in essence, is a piece of paper. But it can be a lot more in terms of ritual. If you want the ritual enough to consider asking for it repeatedly, I think you have the right to do so. Pester that boy if you want to get married! Make him see it your way. If it doesn't mean anything to him, then he shouldn't scream too loud if you want papers signed -after all, following his lead, what's the difference?
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (8 June 2010):
You won't be getting married. That's the first thing. Even if you have a kid, you can be sure he will put it off. He said that because he knows that children aren't coming along too soon. So if you're looking for actual marriage, you're with the wrong man. If you can't live without marriage, then you shouldn't wait around.
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