A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hello. I am 18 and confused about my sexual orientation. I have had boyfriends before, but they were all "accidental dating". The first one was when my friends took me to the mall, "accidentally" ran into a guy they knew, introduced us and disappeared. I was so mad and uncomfortable! They even gave him my number and got ME in trouble with my parents because I'm not supposed to give boys my number and I'd told them I was going to the mall with them (I thought I was too!) I am not allowed to use my cell phone unless I am calling to ask if we can change plans or unless I am at home in front of them. My friends kept arranging for us to "meet" the guy and then leaving me behind with him alone, so that is how we ended up dating. We kissed in the entryway to a store and I was really uncomfortable and felt stupid and was afraid of pushing him away and hurting his feelings. I broke up with him that night over the phone (thankfully I was with my friends) and they were MAD and kept asking what he did wrong.The other boyfriends were similar - I would meet some guy from track or theater (in school), joke around with him and hang out in groups or he would sit by me in class and we would kid around and at some point, everyone decided we were dating. I was mad because I thought I was keeping him as just friends so I not only lost the friendship with them and it got awkward, everyone was mad at me! I don't want a boyfriend because I don't like kissing guys. I don't dress provacatively (form-fitting, yes, but it's normally jeans and a sweater or blazer and boots or maybe a knee-length skirt with a funky shirt ... sometimes I add fun scarves or random hairstyles I come up with and homemade jewelrey. My parents are real strict on what I wear and what I listen to and watch so I really don't know what to talk about when it comes to "sexual" conversations (outside of sneaking 17 or sometimes Cosmo from friends since they regularly search my room). Anyway, I really don't like being "ignorant" but I really don't want to talk about it anyway and I don't know the signs to look for or what I'm accidentally saying. I really don't touch people (male or female) anyway so I don't know how I'm giving the wrong impression.When I do get to go on overnights at friends, that's the only time outside the locker room I have seen any girl partially nude and their parents are like mine: we are to sleep in the living room and some of my friends' parents make us take turns changing and I don't think I've EVER showered at someone else's house that I can remember. But sometimes I find myself checking out my girl friends and that scares me becaue I don't know what that means and I do NOT want to get caught. I had one friend keep asking if I was a lesbian because I really don't seem interested in guys at all. And she pointed out that if I didn't at least try, then people would think I was gay and they would tear me apart. We are in a VERY small school, small town, and most people here will tell you they don't know a single gay person. No, seriously. And I'm really unpopular and bullied as it is so I couldn't make it worse.I do know from what I get to read online that when I go to college, I want to join a gay student group, but I'm really only allowed to choose from a few colleges and those are the ones a LOT of kids are going to go to so it'll be impossible to hide that I'm going there. I'm not the best student so there won't be scholarships and my parents plan to pay my tuition so I'll be dependent on them. But I am afraid all the people in the gay group are just going to think I'm curious ... and I am!But I don't want to just use a person just to get experience and while it's crossed my mind to go on a lesbian site and lie and say I've had experience and go on a few dates or something, that seems just as dangerous as ddoing it with a guy and what if I really hate it and it's obvious? And, that's just a really mean thing to do to a person (male or female). But if I haven't had experience, how do I know that I'm really a lesbian? I think I would have to be, at least a little, because I've felt suicidal about the whole thing, like there was always something "off" or "wrong" about me somehow, just like a lot of people said.But I cannot relate to a lot of the coming out stories from lesbians because I'm not interested in sports, I don't like getting hurt, I get picked on because I such at gym, I don't like video games, I don't like loud noises, I tend to be very quiet and passive and not assertive and I can't tell if people are joking or serious when they're being mean and I really don't know how to tease people. I know that's a HUGE stereotype, but every story I read, the only think I could relate to was, "I felt different" "I wasn't into guys" How is it that people come from really conservative, backwards places and still meet someone to partner with? How do they know? How do you develop a gaydar? All I read online was basically talking about stereotypes and I' afraid I'm going to get pinned as straight because while I'm not a girly-girl, I'm really too feminine in my personality to ... I don't know, I'm just afraid it will be one more group where I won't even fit in.I am sorry to be so ignorant, but I know so little that I don't even know WHAT to look for to find information. that, and I have to look this stuff up online at the library or something when no one is looking and I SURE can't do it at a friend's or my parents because everyone is over my shoulder. I even bought my own computer and offered to pay for 1/3 of the bill and my parents said, "Thanks. Another computer. It goes in the living room and WE have the passcodes." Same with when I bought a new doorknob for my door so I could lock it, "Thanks. Lock goes on the OUTSIDE and you can ask US for the key if you want to get in." So yeah, little-to-no opportunity to learn anything.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2014): Have you considered that maybe you're Asexual? Or maybe because you've been so sexually repressed, you just assume you have no sex drive.Your friends are trying to set you up with people because you're not approaching anyone yourself and you turn down probably nice guys when they think you are coming onto them.They're wrong for pushing you on guys you don't know, but what's wrong with giving that nice guy friend a chance? If it doesn't work out, you can always say that you can't do a LDR when you go to college.I would say you're bi-curious too because you don't really seem into womrn, you just don't like men yet. Try dating men for a little before you date women to see if you're into it. If not, you can always break up with them and then declare yourself a lesbian and try that. If it doesn't work either, just break up with her too and get too busy doing other things to date.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2014): I'm surprised that you say you are 18 and that your parents are searching your room? I know I had very protective parents, they still are! They mean well but I find it really bad that yours are intruding on your privacy. At 18 you are an adult here in the UK and at 16 there are many things you can do which effectively make you an adult too. I think your parents are being OVER protective, I do understand them, there's a lot of bad stuff you could get into, but it's high time they let you make some decisions of your own!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2014): I'll start out by letting you know that I am a gay man. I have heard just about every tale there is about coming out, gender identity disorder, transsexualism, and every other facet of LGBT life.Living in your parent's home; they have the right to monitor your comings and goings, and what you view on the internet. That is for your safety, and the online protection of their household overall.Young and inexperienced teens are often targets or victims of online-predators. I speculate that your parent's main reasoning is to control you; because you're female. They want to monitor every move you make to the point of imprisoning you. They think this is how you raise a girl-child. Not to the degree that you describe. I take some commentary from teens with a grain of salt; most often young people embellish and exaggerate. They want to make a point. Once you are old enough to leave the nest; that will be your time to explore who you are, and what you prefer.Your parents cannot control your feelings or thoughts.Just your physical-movement. You will eventually breaktheir restraints; because you will tire of them bullying you; and using the fact they are your parents as an excuse.You are quite young; and really, you're old enough to determine where your sexual-attraction may lean. This occurs pretty early in your development. If you think of girls more than boys; maybe you lean towards lesbianism. It just may be too early to tell. If you don't know, then that's okay too. It may be somewhere in the middle. That happens.The point is, WHEN and HOW to follow those leanings. Under the conditions you live, that isn't possible right now. So bide your time, and be patient. What's the rush? You will date when you're ready. Who will have to be your decision.Not your parents. That's where courage comes in. I wish I could say your parents are well-meaning. That's difficult to establish; without actually seeing them in action. Teenagers always paint such stark pictures of over-protective parents. However; I know what strict parents are like. They often do more damage than good. It is often under these conditions, I'm sad to say, teens are likely to be suicidal. Religious-zealots and solid conservatives. Everything is in black and white, with no gray areas. They are almost a horror to endure. They intimidate their offspring, and are totally inflexible. They're children flee from them, like they've broken out of jail! Their parents grow old and alone. Missing their children. It is sad, but they deserve it. They damage their children mentally and breed their hatred, instead of love. If you talk to them, you at least open a line of communication; which may help to realize it is time to lighten up. That might not be easy. You still have to try. Again and again.Parents who stifle their children for the sake of control; do not realize that they themselves harbor a sickness of the soul. A need to treat children like puppets by pulling their strings. To control them even remotely; once they move away. They think they can impose their values and avert outside influences. That's why teens often rebel. Not always to their own benefit. Often to their own self-destruction. Then these idiot parents wonder why?!!!They rebel for the wrong reasons and use the wrong strategy or tactics to make a point. Often, the parents just come down on them even harder. You have to be smart and understand why they impose such strict rules. That comes from communicating with them. A dreaded chore, I know; but nothing ventured, nothing gained.You should continue reading what you can. Go to the library; if they over-regulate your reading. Learn to stand up for yourself and stop letting your so-called "friends" set you up. You're far too passive. Stop being on the defensive when they question your sexual-orientation. Their point is to bully you. That's none of their business; unless you wish to share it. At this point, you just don't know and should not be pressured by either your peers; nor your parents. You are who you are. You will learn more about yourself and how you feel as you grow older. So make no certainties or don't try to reach any conclusions. Just explore your leanings and see where they're going. Even prisoners are free inside their own minds. It's the one place no one can go; unless you let them in. However; shutting-down is an extreme overreaction. It is a cope-out. Weaklings shut-down; because they let fear overtake them, and build shields and walls. Existing in a shell. Never really experiencing the joy of life. That is self-imposed imprisonment. Don't blame anyone else for that. Build bridges. Open up a flow of communication and dialogue with your parents. They don't know who you are.That's what scares them. They don't realize they are the reason. You've never had the nerve, or the courage, to tell them. So you hide.If you feel you are being pushed to suicidal thoughts, immediately see a school counselor or the school psychiatrist. That is mentally and psychologically unhealthy! If you don't vent your feelings to someone; those feelings only get stronger. You should not keep such things secretive. If you can't talk to your parents, find someone appointed at your school for this purpose. Do not be afraid, or ashamed. You are not the first or last person to be confused about your sexual-orientation. In fact, you're right at that age. Don't worry about opportunity to learn. Life and progress moves forward. Your parents aren't big enough or strong enough to stop it. You will grow-up.Stop fearing your own parents. It is hard to love what you fear. In fact, that's where hatred begins.If you feel that pressured, maybe it's time you act more adult to show them that you are capable of doing your own thinking and holding some responsibility. You need to talk to them. If you act childish and don't show self-awareness, they will continue to keep close tabs on you. Fearing how naive and fragile you are. They also sense there are things different about you. Parents have a built-in instinct about that. In your case, they are building a prison around you. Thinking it will hold you where they want you. Protect you. They are over-doing the job. They want you to be a little girl for as long as they can restrict your growth. They are squeezing you so hard, you have considered suicide. My child, please don't ever do that to yourself. This is what we all experience as we are growing faster than our parents can handle it. They're scared too. They want the best for you.You are too afraid to talk to them. So they have full-reign and will impose every parental sanction they can, to suppress your free-expression. Thinking they're keeping you manageable and obedient. Time to be a little more resistant to their oppressive-style of parenting. Get yourself a part-time job. Save your own money. Let them know you plan to help pay for your education. Apply for college grants anyway. There are many women's organizations and companies that sponsor education grants for young women. I'm surprised your school counselor doesn't speak up. Either that, or you just hide from adults.Grow some nuggets and talk to your friends; and ask them to back-off and respect your wishes. Mind their own business. Tell them that you intend to listen to what your parents suggest about dating. If they don't listen, dump them as friends. Don't show fear, they will use that against you. Your fear holds you back more than your parents, or anyone else. Sexual-orientation blossoms as you get older and become more self-aware. At your age, it will bewilder and confuse you. However; you know your leanings. Don't ignore your true-feelings to suit others. That is why you feel suicidal, trying to suit the opinions of others. You have to take some control of your own life. You are permitted to do that. Your soul and mind belong to YOU! Act more grown-up. Stand-up for yourself, and people will stop pushing you around so much. That includes parents and friends. Yes, you parents will step-up the parental-bullying, but you will spark some realization their baby-girl is growing up. Wait until you are away at college. You'll be older, and you will figure out ways to live more independently. Your parents can't eyeball your every move when you're a young adult. Try as they may. You'll see.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2014): Okay, chill babe. Breathe.If you turn out to be a lesbian or bisexual then there's nothing wrong with that, it's the way you're born, it's not a choice and you have to accept yourself the way you are before you can expect other people to. Being LGBT is becoming a norm and it doesn't matter how small your town is, at the end of the day, people are going to have to accept it and get on with life. LGBT people are no different to 'straight' people and you shouldn't think of yourself as 'different', there's nothing 'wrong' with you. And to address the stereotypes you mentioned, there are a lot of lesbians in the world that are the complete opposite to everything you mentioned. I myself am a lesbian, I don't play sport, I don't like getting hurt, I don't play video games, I don't like loud noises and I'm very passive myself. I'm not sure where you got some of this information but you need to forget about it and accept that lesbians and bisexual people are exactly the same as everyone else. People don't walk past me in the street and say, 'oh, she's gay'. No one even knew that I was gay until I came out about 6 years ago. And you don't need experience to know whether you are attracted to women or men. You know if you like men or women. I've liked women since before I can remember, I never had an interest in men and I didn't date, no one questioned it and when I came out, no one cared, no one bullied me and everyone continued with life as normal and I came out in the middle of high school which could have gone either way to be perfectly honest. You're bound to take an interest in women at some point in your life, most people do, it could just be a phase or it could be curiosity. If your parents and your friends' parents are as strict as you say then you're bound to be curious and want to rebel against the 'norm' by trying something a little different. Your parents need to ease up a bit for your to open up, is there any possibility of you talking to them about this? Could you not save up for your own computer, even if you hide it from them, is that not possible? I'm not judging, just curious as it might help you find yourself. But seriously, forget the stereotypes because they're only true for some people, not all. You don't need a gaydar, you just need to be confident in yourself, some people you will get a feel for and others you might be uncertain about, but even if someone isn't gay, is there any harm in putting yourself out there? Everyone gets rejected at some point and that doesn't matter. The worst regret in life is not doing something that you want to do. Just go for it. Don't join a site, that is possibly the worst thing you can do right now when you're so uncertain yourself. People on sites (not always) are looking for sex and you don't want to get into having sex until you're sure of what you want yourself. Just talk to people, anyone that you know is 'out', whether it's someone you know or someone you just know about, ask them about it and see how they felt, see what they did, ask their story. The majority of people will happily tell you as long as you ask the right way, don't word your question the way you worded this. Just be casual. Best of luck, doll, I hope you find yourself.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (7 April 2014):
 Growing up is tough to do at the best of times. Growing up with parents as intrusive as what you describe? Wow. I know this wasn't your question, but may I suggest you rethink school and continuing a relationship where you're dependent upon your parents. You need some space to grow and to explore yourself. Do you really think four more years under their thumb is going to be good for your mental health? I'm never one to discourage higher education, but if your only option is to go to a school where you continue to be monitored and bullied? I have to wonder if there's a better way. Have your explored scholarships or bursaries -- don't just assume you have to be a star student, there's an amazing variety of awards. Have you thought about getting a job, moving out, and saving to go to a school of your choice later?
As for the question of orientation, I understand that living in a small town limits your options. I'll assume that speaking to a school counsellor is something that seems too risky. There is a ton of information online, and there are lots of help lines.
http://www.plannedparenthood.org/health-topics/sexual-orientation-gender-4329.htm
http://www.pamf.org/teen/sex/whatif.html
http://kidshealth.org/teen/sexual_health/girls/sexual_orientation.html#cat20015
http://www.allaboutcounseling.com/crisis_hotlines.htm#crisis10
You've taken a great first step, reaching out here. Be patient, it will sort itself out. There is nothing wrong with you -- you would be amazed to know how many people wrestle with these issues.
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