A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:This may be long, so sorry, but I am pouring myself out here.I had an earlier post about my husband talking about a younger female coworker (12 years younger than me) for a couple of years and then suddenly not talking about her. They work in the same dept. together and he is her boss and he is head of this company. This is a real small rural town too which doesn't help. Every week or a couple of weeks he would talk about her and her divorce, her kids, her having to live like a church mouse and now being poor, how attractive she is and how could her ex-husband ever divorce such a pretty woman like her, wanting to give her a piece of furniture of ours because she needed it, him wanting to be some knight in shining armor. I had to listen to this crap endlessly. Then suddenly he stopped talking about her. I've tried to keep close tabs on the situation to see where it would go.I had to attend an event with my husband for a fundraiser. She is in charge of fundraisers. I dreaded going because she would be there. But, I had donated some items for the event and had to go because my husband is in charge of the company.She is sitting at another table dressed to the hilt in an evening gown. So are some other ladies.At our table, my husband later in the evening says he loves only me. Now I am one to always look at a persons actions. I discount words. Actions tell the truth. I could see him eyeing her up a couple of times when she would walk by. My husband has a terrible roving eye. It's embarrassing to out in public with him. I dread it anymore. She came over to our table to thank me for the donations and she gets so close and in your face almost.When we went to leave, she was standing near the door, he thanked her for a good job, and then she told us her schedule this week and how she is meeting her daughter today for lunch. She said my name and then said it has been 3 years since her divorce and her kids don't contact her. I really don't care to hear about her woes and I don't want to be drawn into her drama. I don't think it is right she is talking to us about it. My husband saw an opportunity and then put an arm around her shoulder, she had on a one shoulder gown, and pulled her into his side and chest, and she just a few inches from my face and me standing in front of them. I looked at her intently and she just smiled but I could not see anything going on between them. Then she started to walk away and my husband yelled after her, It is time for Karen now. She said back, yes it is.As we went out the door, he said that her kids are treating her like crap just like his kids did to him from his divorce. He sympathizes with her. I got into our car exasperated.I thought the hug improper and him trying to get close to her. I thought he took advantage of her situation and used it to get some type of physical closeness to her just for his own gain.I have tried soooo hard to maintain my cool and not get jealous and remain level-headed and logical. But, that hug to her, plus his eyeing her up, despite him telling me he loved only me, just ruined it for me.But, I think I finally hit my limit. I have been crying...I am crying as I type this. I can't believe how jealous I got these past couple of days. It is almost a rage and I am blinded with the jealousy of her. The jealousy is consuming me. It is scaring me because the feeling is so strong. One can't help how one feels. I looked at my wedding ring, took it off my finger and I wonder if I should just toss it away and concede defeat and move on. Yet, this morning my husband kissed me and said he loves only me.I am confused and mixed up because when we go out in public he acts like this. At home he is great, but in public he is always distracted by other females or tries to get their attention. It is hard for me to believe him that he says he only loves me when he does these things.Am I being made to look like a fool by my husband or am I letting this jealously emotion get the best of me and are my emotions mixing me up so I can't think clearly.I shut all the curtains today even though it is sunny out.I just want to curl up in a hole and disappear for a while I can't take it anymore.
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co-worker, divorce, her ex, jealous, move on, wedding Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2014): This is the OP here. I want to thank all the Aunties and Uncles for their kind responses. The answers have given me much to ponder.In the past I had talked to my husband about the female co-worker and I did tell him that he was getting way too involved in her life and I told him in the nicest way possible to back out of her life. I told him there are counselors she can go to for the situation she is in.I asked him straight out if I needed to be concerned. He said no (of course he would say that) and that she had too many children (upwards of six). That doesn't mean to me that he still wouldn't want to get her in bed though.My talk did not seem to have any affect on him because he still was processing this attraction in his mind and talking about her often these past two years.I have addressed to him how upsetting it is to me to see him look over at women in restaurants when we dine together, look them up and down in front of me, look at their bums when they pass us by, look back over my shoulder when they pass us by if we are walking. I have talked to him, I have cried. I have done everything I could to let him know how I feel.He still continues to gawk at women in front of me.I can't go anywhere anymore with him, you see, because of his behavior. His behavior ruins our time out together. I am building more bad memories than good. At home he can be the absolute best, because there are no female distractions, but soon as we go out in public together that all changes.His self indulgents seem more important to him than my feelings.I am still pretty shaky as of today and my nerves are frayed.If I were to leave, I know he would ask her out. I just "know" that. In effect I would be pushing him into her arms.Playing games and doing back what he is doing to me, will just get old, and what will I gain from it really?I am at a crossroads. I am in a situation where I am trying to grow a business, but I am wondering before I invest any more money if I should really indeed leave him, especially after reading what has been posted here.I wonder if I should close up shop (my business) and move on from here this life and small town. That is just how bad I am feeling. I feel just miserable.I wish someone would tell me the best course to take because I don't want to act irrationally from my emotions. The jealousy came out of no where and I know enough to let it tame down so I can be clear headed but I am still shaken up yet.I realize I am in a fragile state of mind right now. I need for this feeling to subside before I act on anything.I wish I had some guidance on what to do next.I want to give you all big hugs for helping me. It's been a very rough few days for me and I am very weary and tired.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2014): After reading his treatment of her, I am so mad I could spit.I think going on any vacation with this man must be a nightmare for her. She said he has a terrible roving eye. I am sure he is eyeing up women in front of her whilst on vacation together. Personally, I would be miserable if my guy was doing that in front of me.Regarding hugs, they may look innocent but they can be a sneaky way to get a sexual arousal by pulling in a woman and pressing her body against his to get a feel of her boobs and bra and her skin. I don't think women realize just how powerful a hug is for a man and it's time women wake up to that trick that men pull when they hug a women. It really is a grope in disguise.I realize this is a small town, so people get more involved in one's life. That is the nature of the beast in a small town, but really, she shouldn't be confiding in you or your husband about her children's treatment of her or about her divorce. It is not appropriate or professional. Doesn't she have girlfriends for that or doesn't the company offer counseling through their benefits program.So he says to you I love only you, honey, but as I hold your hand and tell you this, I will look at other women and give them a hug while I am at it. This makes me want to throw up. It's like he feels he is entitled to do this.I don't think he really loves you and I question his loyalty to you.As far as him yelling after her that it is time for Karen, well you need to tell yourself that it is time for YOU!I think you need to get away from him for a while and see new sights and give yourself a breather. Get your priorities straight. See the world in another light.Don't let this be all about him. You need to focus on you more.In fact, you need to up the game plan and change it. Make him sweat it out more and question you and bring the focus back on you.Start doing things for yourself. To heck with him.I wouldn't be putting up with any of this really. You deserve better treatment when you are out in public with this guy and there are plenty of guys that would treat you way better than this roving eye, trying to get attention of other women, getting feely touchy with them "while you are with him". He is a pig of a man.He doesn't respect you, plain and simple.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2014): You got yourself a real gem there.A husband that has wandering eyes with you right beside him and a praising mouth of other women and will touch them in front of you.He sounds predatory and sneaky. At least you are on to him. He is "one of those." An aging man that likes younger women--to make him feel young again. It is probably more important to him to have arm candy and this co-worker fits the bill in his estimate.He sounds more like a dirty old man to me. Being in charge of a company, you think he wouldn't get so involved in a employees life, but he wants her, sad to say. Doesn't mean marriage, but he trying to get her in the sack. He is opening himself up to sexual harassment charges by what he is doing. His penis is doing all the thinking at this time. He could get himself in deep trouble. But that is his problem. Don't make it yours.I would be taking a very "long" vacation myself and get out of that town.You need to see some different scenery. If you have pressing issues and can't get away right now, then do as the other poster said and get out every day, even if it is to travel down the road a bit.Drive out to the country, take a walk, bike ride, pack a lunch and sit under a tree and read a book. It's time to treat yourself.Life is too short for this type of treatment he is giving you.Maybe he is great with you at home, but in public he is too distracted by other females so I wouldn't be going anywhere with him anymore. It is causing you too much stress.By his actions, he is losing you. He could very well drive you into another man's arms if he doesn't watch it.You need to get your focus off of him and onto yourself. Do everything to empower yourself and make yourself a better person. Let whatever he says about this other woman roll of your back but I would give it right back to him and talk about other men.Basically, tell him where to shove it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2014): Take it from someone that has been in your shoes. I was that "corporate" wife.My ex-husband was in charge of a company. He had a powerful position and he used that power to sway the younger unsuspecting females. He would get overly involved in these young females lives and use that information to his advantage.He too, would go in for the hugs with them, with me right there. He had a wandering eye with the ladies wherever we went.It was maddening, disrespectful to me and our marriage and embarrassing. He was making a total ass out of himself in front of me, these women and his employees at events.He showed me no respect.Then the green eyed monster, jealousy, appeared. It ate me alive. I put up with this treatment for 10 years. It made me ill. I was sick inside all the time. I was never happy even with great kids and a nice place to live. I was always worried with doubts and suspicions.Finally, I couldn't take it any longer. I had to remove myself from the situation. I was genuinely sick from these feelings. I had to save myself and get my sanity back, so I divorced him.I did dive into poverty and had to live in a mobile home. But I would rather had lived in a hovel than in that nightmare of a marriage any longer.I am so much happier now and relieved that this torment was over with.I doubt if I will ever trust another man again. I haven't dated since the divorce nor do I intend to. I don't want to go down that road again.I've chosen to remain single and enjoy my pursuits and live life to the fullest. I am blossoming now after living for years under this repression. It's wonderful to be free and not have these worries anymore.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (7 April 2014):
 I saw this post from you. http://www.dearcupid.org/question/he-stopped-talking-about-this-female-coworker-what.html
Have you ever talked to him about these feelings you have? Your mistrust, your distaste for the way he interacts with other women?
Have you sought counseling?
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (7 April 2014):
I don't really understand how anyone could say you're not over reacting. Of course you are! Should you really be "consumed by a jeaulous blind rage" because your husband is attracted to another woman?
That's called being controlling, although you don't appear to have acted on it other than letting it consume you. I think there's kind of a double standard going on here.
That being said, its understandable that you'd be concerned by his behavior. I'd be bothered by it too, although I honestly believe his only crime is not considering your feelings.
I don't think putting his arm around her shoulder is inappropriate any more than it'd be if she was a guy. The fact that he did it in front of you should make you a little relieved because if he was hiding an improper relationship with her he wouldn't have dared doing that.
When you're in a relationship most people would like to believe that their husband or wife will only have eyes for them. But over the course of a marriage most of us will discover that that's not always true, unfortunately. But that's life and that's human nature.
As long as the other party doesn't turn that attraction into something that might be considered cheating I don't see the harm. And I definitely don't think what he did is any form of cheating.
Talk to him about what you feel is appropriate and not appropriate. Tell him you feel threatened by his friendship with this woman and that you want him to know that its causing you pain. Maybe he'll be receptive. But don't hold on to this jealous rage, its only hurting you and making the issue worse.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2014): Honey I just want to say that I am in your age bracket and I know that there are sensible and logical answers to your post, but first of all I just want to say that I can completely understand how this is getting to you and I don't blame you one iota for reacting as you do. At our age it is just really hard to feel strong and attractive and wanted, even if we are! I'd be a basket case by now and I think you are handling it so well, too well in fact. So please know that another woman in the world just wants to hug YOU and just tell you to feel as entitled as you like to get angry or fed up or cry or WHATEVER. Just feel whatever you feel.With that said, I'm going to try to offer a bit of advice, but I'm not a professional so feel free to ignore it. Part of the problem at our age tends to be fragile self esteem. Some days we feel better than others, but for most women it's a bit of an effort not to feel easily undermined. If there's a woman in your and your husband's world who is 12 years younger and stereotypically highly attractive then it's a no brainer that her very presence will shake you up sometimes. I'd be the same as you.The other part of the problem is that you don't know what HER intentions are regarding your husband. In this sense, she's an unknown entity and because of that she feels threatening. It's this uncertainty that seems to be playing on your nerves, alongside the fragile self esteem that we tend to get after 40.The other part of the problem is you're not sure of your husband's words. He says he loves only you, and as an outside with an objective distance I do believe he is telling you the truth. He does love only you. Thing is though, men are very prone to needing ego boosts. If anything, he is more turned on by the potential boost to his ego that 'helping' this woman would be for him. Stereotypical 'beauty' tends to have that effect on men. It doesn't necessarily mean that the woman involved is right for him, or better than you. It's just that some part of a man's brain will recognise that in most people's eyes, she is attractive and, like a sheep, will follow the herd. If you can see that, over 40, women tend to find it harder to maintain self esteem, then can you see that the same applies to men? It tends to happen a little later - 45-50, with 50 being the big turning point for them - they tend to become obsessed with their age, dying, time running out. It affects them deeply. Sometimes this can make them want to do invincible things and it can also make them want to 'prove' their masculinity, part of which, in some cases, involves demonstrating protection of a female. Some of this is, I think, going on with your husband. But he has not acted on it with this woman. I think his silence is because he realised it was inappropriate for him to keep talking about her, not because anything is happening.The other part of the problem is the familiarity of your relationship with him. We ALL start to take each other for granted in long-term relationships. We just do, it's inevitable. Sometimes it takes something to shake this up a little, or sometimes it means a decision on both parts to do things that stimulate the relationship and allow appreciation of one another. You've gotten into a habit, in this relationship, of not telling your husband how you feel when and if he upsets you. I don't know why that is, but you have. Maybe think about the reason for that. I suggest that you immediately plan a holiday WITH your husband. Just insist that you go away together for two weeks somewhere lovely. Don't go alone, take him with you. Go somewhere warm and relaxing and sensual. When you've had a chance to relax with him after a few days, you may want to tell him how you feel about this woman and why you don't like his behaviour towards her. Don't blame him, just see how he responds whilst in this relaxed environment with you. Take this as an opportunity to see where your relationship with him is at and then, when you get home, you should already have decided what your future with him will be.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2014): Honestly...I agree with the other posters. You need to get away from this small town and get out more and away from him for a while. You need to travel and treat yourself to some fun, for you only. Even if it means traveling alone. Take a week and really live it up or pretend you are if you call him to check in. I'd be living it up. Thing is you may discover you may not want to come back to that small town!Dish it back to him. What he is doing is cruel. What is good for the goose is good for the gander.There are plenty of fish in the sea.Personally, I have decided to stay single less all this man drama. All it does is stress me out and I don't need that at this stage in my life. I want peace and to be able to enjoy my life. Give that some thought.You do have OTHER options.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2014): I normally agree with wise owl or I will nod my head as I read his postings and though I disagree with the part that your kinda over reacting his points regarding getting your emotions under control are apt and honestly you need too.I think you need to give this guy a run for his money, begin by going out, get out.. Do not sit behind closed curtains on sunshine days , you are giving him power over you he is not entitled too.. So go out for the day, every other day for a whole month.. Starting singing while you cook, greet him cheerily but not over eagerly when he comes home.. When he asks and he will ' why are you so chirpy happy etc' reply oo someone told me something silly, doesn't matter now, ( laugh) and add how was your day.. Mention Karen often, get to know thine enemy haha invite her around for lunch .. For me this isn't about her actions but more his... If you don't like his behaviour challenge it, change it or change yourself .. Get a hairdresser appointment, spa day whatever takes your fancy you deserve it .. Buy a new dress if you can afford two new dresses.. Buy new lingerie and stockings .. These are for you not him ( don't you dare dress up for him, he doesn't deserve it , not yet ) Say darling dinner may be a little late I've joined a reading club and David is getting us all aquatinted .. Then give him the same poo he gives you.. David divorced his two sons are spoiled rotten causing so much fuss poor David does his best .. You get the idea.. Do his nut in a little ... And why shouldn't you ... Why be jealous... Is he really worth it .. No no no he isn't ..If he questions you about your behaviour .. Reply hmm I thought this was the new rules as its a game you've been playing and darling I got sick of .. If he does love you, then he will get annoyed .. Be prepared .. Be honest and do tell him you are sick of his boyish singleton behaviour, yes he can appreciated other women just as you other men, from a far and not up and obvious and if he wants you as his wife he better buck up .. As two can play his game ..I've been with my hubby since I was 14teen (26 years coming up) and I wouldn't stand for any of the rubbish your hubby dishes at you.. Your just a little too sweet, sweetie .. So it's time to turn the tables a lil .. Let's know how you get on .. Chin up and walk tall .
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (7 April 2014):
 You know what? Like you said, it is a small rural town. So small things tends to escalate, they grow out of proportions, they become enormous.
A small hug. Maybe a glance that lasts too long. A questionable comment. Little things. Harmless things. But here you are, in tears, devastated.
Maybe it is harmless. Maybe he's in love with her. But you can't do anything about that. It is your husbands job to make sure he is faithful to you. Its not your job to be a guard dog, and look what a state it's put you in.
I think what you need, right now, is a change of scenery. Travel. Get away from this small rural town. Get some fresh air. Explore, live a little, enjoy your life! That is what I do, anyways, when I need a new perspective on life. I travel.
Pick a random place or go somewhere you've always wanted. Alone, but with a good friend who is a good travel companion, if you have any of those. I do not recommend traveling with a friend if they will just remind you of all the things back home, or be a drag. Bring someone who will have a positive effect on you.
Some times, when things build up like this has, all you need is a fresh perspective. When you're so in the depth of something, it becomes really hard to see what's what. Getting away for a breather will allow you to see the big picture. See what this is actually about, grab the bull by it's horns, rather than... well, run around in circles? Which it might feel like you are doing right now?
So go, travel! Leave all worries behind. Take a couple of weeks off work. If you have kids, your husband can manage. Or family can baby sit. Seriously, there is nothing stopping you but yourself.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2014): How would he feel if the shoe was on the other foot?What if you were to talk endlessly to him about an attractive male co-worker for a couple of years, sympathize with his situation and lean in for a hug? Then say, "Honey, it is only you that I love and no one else." Yeah, sure.I don't see where you have been rude to this woman. So far you have tolerated all of this and not said anything to either of them. I am surprised you have tolerated it this long.Sounds like he wants his cake and to eat it too--if he hasn't already.He is using his position of power to get to her. That is awful.Keep a close watch on this. I hate to be a doomsayer, but it doesn't look good. Clearly, he has thing for this female co-worker. Plus, he is not treating you with respect. That speaks volumes for how he views women and how he treats you as his wife.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2014): You have held your cool for "two years" listening to your husband talk about this woman like some high school crush. You haven't lashed out at your husband from your post. You have kept this all to yourself. Your "husband" is the one throwing this woman in your face. So far you have held your own, when most women would have cracked a lot earlier.You are trying to make sense of what is happening and the emotions that are coming with it and I don't blame you one bit. We all have our limit.Jealousy will eat you alive. You can't help how you feel. They are your feelings and they need to be validated.I agree, you husband should not be hugging, pulling this woman in close to him and my God, right in front of you. Has he no sense??At least you recognize the jealousy emotion and are trying to overcome it and be rational again. We all get jealous at some time in our lives. It's human nature.I think you husband is overstepping his boundaries with this woman and I agree, he is trying to get close to her.You know your husband and it appears he doesn't know how to act appropriately and he is showing you DISRESPECT by his wandering eyes and going in for the kill in this woman's situation and using it to his advantage.I think I would toss that wedding ring into the garbage and move on.I have been there myself so I totally understand where you are coming from.This behavior from a man can destroy a woman's self-esteem. He seems more concerned about her situation then about you and since she is attractive and vulnerable right now he sees an opportunity here and mark my words, he does see that opportunity.I would be embarrassed too if my husband was hugging an employee at a company function. How humiliating for you.Take a few deep breaths. You will come back down from that emotion. It will pass.I think you really need to reassess your marriage and ask if it is worth it. If you are dreading going out in public with him because of his wandering eyes and behavior, he is the one with the problem and he is the one that needs counseling.Hang in there. Life will get better. Know, that you are not alone in this. So many of us have been in the same boat.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2014): Your first post I felt a bit of empathy, and I really felt maybe there was some merit to your issue with your husband.
Now I see it goes well beyond what he's doing. You have insecurity and trust issues; and you just hate that woman.
You are so consumed by your jealousy and resentment, it is becoming an obsession with you. You were rude for no reason. You read every move they make as some sort of undercover affair; as if every communication they make is some hidden code.
My dear, you have a problem. Your guilty-conscience is starting to eat away at you. You know deep down, you could be a better wife; and you could be more loving. Instead, you flip all of the responsibility onto your husband to prove his fidelity. Is that all your marriage means to you?
Your incessant jealousy goes way back. This didn't suddenly begin with this woman. It's well-seasoned, and has been your old companion for sometime. You're an insecure woman, and you hold a lot of hostility.
However; the closing of the curtains, seclusion, and crying sound like you're starting to develop some physiological problems. It might be time to see your doctor.
You may also have a progesterone deficiency; if you're undergoing menopause. Maybe it's time for a complete physical examination. Oh, the jealousy is an issue you've always had. You have a territorial nature. I think the overwhelming anxiety and depression may be more related to something physiological; and only exacerbate those deep negative emotions you have.
I still empathize with the fact you feel so upset. I just don't think your behavior is rational; and now see that it isn't really your husband's behavior that warrants such an emotional response. You have some deep-seated problems; and it is time that you should consider some mental-health counseling to balance things out a little. The jealousy is out of control; but to the degree it is starting to make you ill.
Please take my suggestions and seek professional-attention.
Don't let this ruin your marriage; or drive you into a state requiring hospitalization.
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