A
male
age
41-50,
*oolonggone
writes:So, Im a US soldier currently deployed to Iraq for the third time. I met my wife in 2006, shortly after returning from my first deployment. We had a very strong, and wonderful relationship. Right before I left in February of 07 for a second deployment, we found out she was pregnant, great news, we were both happy. In July of 07 on midtour, we were married, the happiest day of my life. I returned in February 08, and we thought it was the last deployment. I came down on orders to another duty station within 60 days of getting home, withing 10 months, Jan 09 I was leaving again. Which is where Im currently at now. The problem Im having is we are 3 months into this deployment, and she is having issues with our relationship. She feels like the only way to fix it is for me to be home, which cant happen. That she also feels more independent now, and that she has things in her life that she wants to do. Im afraid that I may not fit into the picture anymore. Im doing my best to support her, and to be a good husband, but its extremly hard when you hear your not working out. She still wants to talk to me everyday, and I love you is still there. Im afraid even that is fading fast though. There isnt another person involved in either of our lives. We have one of the best relationships, and thats not me talking, but everyone that knows us. Ive just been gone too long. At the end of this deployment, Im getting out of the Army, and throwing away 12 years of service to be with her. This is all my info, basically. The question is, how can I salvage this? I love my wife and daughter with all my heart, and cant bare the thought of loosing them to the deployments. Any advice on what to do..PLEASE
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male
reader, ArmyMedic  +, writes (11 March 2009):
 Good for you, I'm pleased we have amused you if nothing else! I really hope you can get what you both want out of this. Sorry for hijacking your post, but there are so many people giving advise to soldiers who really don't know how the Army work, (and I have learnt a little more about the US Army too)
Good luck with the rest of your tour, Keep your head down and your chin up!
A
male
reader, toolonggone +, writes (10 March 2009):
toolonggone is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow..I guess this whole thing started quite the military conversation lol. As for US Army, we go till the contract is done. You sign up for 5, then you do five..and you will still have 3 years of Inactive time in the reserves left to do, 6 years active, 2 years in active..so on and so forth. As for R&R..well, Im not exactly getting the answer I want from my wife, which is the obvious..its all better. I did get some good ol thinking done for myself though...If she needs things in her life, I cant stop it..I have to support it. For me though, being the military one, I always had to say "we're moving" or "im deploying", and leave her with not much say so. On that note, not much chance at a career, or school. So, what we have decided is for me to come in April. Talk face to face, and see each other. Attempt not to make any permanent decisions right then. I leave again for 7 months or so, and it gives her a chance to do her thing, on her own. In the end, ultimately its up to her. If her career becomes more important, or if I become more important...or better yet, if they can just go together. Knowing that I cant do a thing from here, and that Ill atleast get the satisfaction of knowing..at this moment Im doing everything possible to make it work, either way it goes...That relaxes me, and honestly gives me a little peace to eat and sleep again, lol. I dont want my marriage over, but I will feel better knowing we both are both going to do what we have to, to make us both happy...lol, was that enough info, cause it feels good getting it out to complete strangers haha
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A
male
reader, ArmyMedic +, writes (10 March 2009):
Well as jessica04 says in the US Army you have to finish your contract, that would be awful for me as I'm on a 22 year contract meaning I wouldn't be able to leave till I was 40!
And you are right they do own you, and for good reason, could you imagine how many people would leave at the first sign of war breaking out? It just shows what a crap job it really is when they have to make such harsh contracts to make you stay in.
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (10 March 2009):
 Army Medic, thanks ... jeez ... I didn't know that. I don't mean to sound horrified, but it is like they own you. I suppose they have to do that, otherwise everybody might leave once they had wives and kids ... but surely, surely you can give some sort of notice, even if it is 12 months, and then this poor guy can tell his wife and at least they have the chance of a future in the future? Or not?
I am shocked, I tell you.
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A
female
reader, jessica04 +, writes (10 March 2009):
 In the US, the only way I know of "quitting" the military is to not renew your contract and to let your time run out and then honorably discharge.
But, you still have to decide on a reserve unit to be a part of for several years after, and we have been calling them up more and more lately.
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A
male
reader, ArmyMedic +, writes (10 March 2009):
Just to answer Natasia it really isn't as simple as just telling your Sergeant Major (He's the scary one that shouts a lot), "I don't want to play soldiers any more, can I go home now please!" To leave the British Army you have to give 12 months notice (I'm not sure about the US Army) and if the Army decide that going to Iraq is more important than you leaving, they won't let you leave. Also once you have left if war breaks out they can call you up again! I know none of this is in the nice TV adverts and you don't find out till once you are trained.
I'm not having a go at you, and all the soldiers out there realise that our families are much more important, but we didn't have families or tours of Iraq when we joined up at 17!
And to Toolonggon, I really hope you can sort everything out on R&R mate! Have a safe tour!
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A
male
reader, toolonggone +, writes (10 March 2009):
toolonggone is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUnfortunately I cant quit...Lord knows if I coulda I woulda at this point. I let the people above me know whats going on, they had their suggestions, obviously nothing I cared to hear, but listened anyway. Im trying to take leave early from here, 2 weeks. Im trying to convince her to come with me for 3 or 4 days, not a romantic getaway...but time away from everything. I think I can deal with this a lot better, either way it goes...if we can at least get what we are feeling out face to face. Ill be missing my daughters second birthday in July if I go early, but Im more afraid of becoming a weekend dad, and not a husband for life if I dont fix this now.
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (9 March 2009):
I don't know anything about being in the army, but I think you should leave it and be with yr family. They're more important, you know.
Look, let's face it: something bad could happen to any of us anywhere, but it's more likely to happen in a conflict situation. Your wife has that constant fear, and you have it, too.
You don't need it. If you can quite the army, you should. You and her will work it out: the first thing is, putting her and your baby first. Everything after that will be possible, will be good. I think to be honest that is the only way to save things, and I think you should do it.
Good luck : )
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (9 March 2009):
Hiya, I'm an army wife here. We Brits only do 6month deployments but much more often. My husband has done Iraq 3 times, Kosovo twice and Northern Ireland.
Let me tell you from a wife's point of view - It's shit.
She's basically a single mum. But with the extra added pressure and worry that she may get woken up at 4am to be told that the man she loves is coming home in a box, or worse, horribly scarred with no arms and legs for her to look after for the rest of her life.
Every time you hear the words "soldier" and "dead" and "Iraq" you feel sick. Every time a car door slams outside the house I STILL jump thinking that a man is coming to give me bad news.
But she won't tell you any of how this CONSTANT fear and depression is getting to her, because you are the one with actual problems. You are the one getting shot at and mortared.
Even if you come home in one piece she is going to have to deal with the fact she doesn't know you any more and you lie on the floor whenever a car backfires or a firework goes off.
It's no wonder she's freaking out.
I'm not having a go at you - just explaining what you are up against.
So what you need to do is just reassuring her that it will be over soon. Let her look for jobs for you and really cute little houses that you could buy together once you get out of the army and into the real world.
12 years is a good long service, you have done your bit so it's time to move on and upwards.
Find out what welfare is available to her in your area and link her up with the wives of some of the other guys in your unit. Having someone who knows the score can make such a difference.
Just keep reassuring her that it's not long now and then you will be together. Give her dreams, make plans to take her to Paris, talk about what kind of garden you will have in your new house.
You can get through this together but you just have to keep communicating.
Also, the British army will fly you home if your wife says she is going to absolutely leave you if you don't. Talk to your officers or welfare guys or what ever you have there and see what options you have.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
male
reader, toolonggone +, writes (9 March 2009):
toolonggone is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, with a grin on my face, Im happily "throwing away" the military. I know Ive done a lot for the good ol US, but its time for me and the family, if its there when I get home. I guess I came across wrong, there is no quarrel with leaving the military, and I look forward to finding a new career. None of these things seem to matter to me though, unless I can share them with my girls. I just hope Im not looking too much into this, and screwing my chances with her up by worrying too much. Ive really backed off of why, why, why is this happening questions, and just trying to understand her point.
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A
male
reader, ArmyMedic +, writes (9 March 2009):
You are in a tough situation here. Talk to your Chain of command, welfare officer and padre and if all else fails go to your field mental health team (Trust me they can pull all kinds of strings!) There could be a way out of this deployment yet.
Talk to your wife tell her all your worries and concerns, forget OPSEC (the "enemy" already know the stuff you do) and tell her everything!
And I agree with you, leaving the Army is the way ahead now, deployments aren't what they used to be.
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A
female
reader, wonderingcat +, writes (9 March 2009):
 OMG! You are a keeper indeed!
Please do not continue to say that you are "throwing 12 years of service". Please think of it that you are changing career. Many people, either by choice or not, change careers midway into their professional life. I think I may doing be one of them soon :-)
Please think "positive". The phrase "throwing away" has a negative slant to it. Your contry will always recognize your contribution, it is on the record already. But if you think of "mid career change" you will be more positive in thinking about your future life, with your wife and daughter. I would say you have a win-win situation actually. How lucky you are indeed! :-)
If you love the military so much, I am sure you will be able to find a job (or create one) that still is still connected to it. Or, if its too close for comfort, perhaps you can go back to college to prepare you for a totally different career?
Just make sure that your wife is always on the loop on your plans, and your schedule. So she and you can work out the time-frame.
Good luck!
Cat
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A
female
reader, jessica04 +, writes (9 March 2009):
When my ex husband was deployed to Iraq, I had to learn hard and fast how to do everything on my own. The independence she is feeling is most likely three-fold because she has a child to care for.
When he came home, i remember being upset with everything he did because it just wasn't the way taht I had done things. I couldn't stand the intrusion. We found that by giving him tasks around the house, he had a "job", and slowly we shifted the responsibilites so that we shared them half and half. It was hard, but it helped me be more patient with him when I felt I had control over things.
As far as her reasoning about you being deployed, I can't really help you. Some wives I knew jsut couldn't handle deployments, and couldn't accept that the relationship was just going to be very lonely for a while. If you can email her as much as possible telling her all about your day, even little things, even things you think she shouldn't hear, it can help make her feel more a part of your life, and understand that you are busy with very obviously dangerous things that require your attention.
I don't know if that makes sense, but after hearing about my husbands gunner getting hit by shrapnel, I was much more willing to give him all the time he needed for sleep and general reast, rather than bugging him to be on the phone with me or online.
I hope that helps a little. I feel for you, and I'm rooting for all 3 of you.
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