A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have just recently (in the last couple of months) started seeing a girl who I really like but am having moments where I feel confused about how I feel.She's not someone that I was initially particularly attracted to physically - we had met a couple of times and got on well, and I liked her and found her interesting to talk to. I had wondered if she was attracted to me because she did seem keen to talk to me on each of these occasions.Then, quite unexpectedly for me, when we were both drunk (I'm not particularly proud that it happened that way, but there you go) we got together and ended up spending the night together. Since then, we have been seeing each other increasingly frequently.I really enjoy spending time with her and admire her for all sorts of things. She is intelligent and interesting and kind and thoughtful and we share lots of common interests and some significant life experiences. In so many ways it is as if she is made exactly to my specifications, as it were. There are lots of things we can enjoy doing together.As far as the physical side of things goes, well, I do find her more attractive as time goes by. When I hold her and when we are close to each other, it feels really good and very natural and I feel very at ease. I can't say that I feel immense physical lust for her every time I see her but as I say, I like to be with her and enjoy being intimate with her. We have not had full sex yet, but we have done other stuff.Here is the problem. On one occasion, whilst spending a weekend with her, I quite suddenly felt tearful and anxious. This was kind of unexpected and I didn't really understand why it was. When I told her this was how I was feeling she was very lovely about it, and we talked, and then I felt better. This happened again recently, this time shortly after she left, after we'd spent a couple of (really nice) days together. Again I felt confused and tearful and anxious. Again it was hard to say exactly what triggered it but I think that what is bothering me is that I have doubts about how much I fancy her. When we are together sometimes I don't get aroused when it seems like I ought to... I think it is at least partly stage fright, because I do sometimes, just not very reliably. This is one of the reasons we haven't had full sex. She is very understanding about this and doesn't put pressure on me. This is one of the reasons she is so great. I guess I should say also that I am still a virgin despite being well past the age for most people. Neither have I had a proper relationship before (mostly some rather unhappy unrequited things). So, there are some reasons why I'm a bit nervous about stuff.When I think about her, about how she looks, there are things that I like, certainly. But it's always in the back of my mind that she's not my "type" in terms of what I would usually fancy. Obviously it's not exactly easy to discuss this with her.I guess what I'm worried about is that this is going to become a problem in the future. I don't see it as a "problem" now because there is no doubt about the fact that we enjoy spending time together, and it feels so good when we are together. I think I just have a terrible fear that it will become an issue and I will end up hurting her, and I can't bear the thought of doing that because I like her so much and because I know that she feels strongly about me (both physically and emotionally) - by the way it's kind of a new experience for me to have a girl feel this way about me, and to know confidently that this is the case.So really my question is, should I be worrying about this or should I just chill out and enjoy taking things as they come? I feel like I am in uncharted waters and not sure how I'm supposed to be feeling at this point. I'm generally a fairly rational person but I feel like I'm not really in control emotionally at the moment. I don't know if I'm overanalysing everything, or whether my instincts are telling me something that I want to ignore, but shouldn't.Any comments appreciated!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2010): Thanks for the answers. To clarify, khmngbrd, no I'm not saying I'm "not physically attracted" to her as such ... it's more that I wasn't really when I first met her. I think I find her more physically attractive as time goes by, and yes I am attracted to her in many ways but I suppose the physical attraction isn't as strong as I'd always imagined it would be when I found someone I was serious about.
Physical contact with her feels really good and we are both quite affectionate in this way I think, it's just that it's more of a "feeling good" and at ease kind of thing than a lustful kind of thing (as it has been with other girls in the past who I've really fancied but not had any kind of proper relationship with). There is just something that is niggling at me and I think it's that I feel a bit guilty or dishonest because maybe she assumes I'm as strongly physically attracted to her as she is (seemingly) to me...and I don't think I am.
I dunno, maybe that's not what's really troubling me, maybe I'm just a bit overwhelmed by it all because she's so great in so many other ways and that's why I'm feeling a bit mixed up from time to time.
A
female
reader, khmngbrd  +, writes (7 December 2010):
 Welllll. I am not a virgin and wasnt when I met the man im with now. But he was, and he was saving it for the right one. Ur girlfriend and I seemingly have alot in common from what youve said. Anywho so I need to get this straight u are not physically attracted to ur girlfriend? Is she over weight or just not the way u want her to look? Persoanlly I believe relationships go beyond looks. U should love a person because of their personality so ive learned and if they have a wonderful personality like it sounds as if she does then the sexual attraction is only a matter of time. Do u love this girl? Try prayingg. That always helps me, despite your relgious beliefs, if u love somone than sexual attraction is only a matter of opening your eyes and seeing whats really there; a girl who loves you for you, and then once u realize that u will KNOW that she is beautiful inside and out.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2010): I feel you are putting too much pressure on yourself about everything really. You are only a few months into the relationship. Relax and enjoy it. Take it easy. You are stressing yourself out. Whether or not you both end up in a long term relationship, don't try to analyse her, a tick box exercise about whether she fits your particular bill is a bit fruitless really. Many people end up with the most unlikely partners because they just happened to click and are good together. She likes you, you like her - just see where is goes.
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