A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,My relationship has just ended after two years and I find myself very confused and hurt and unsure what to do.When I met my boyfriend he was living with someone (he'd been with her two years, then moved in together for three years so five years in total). Nothing happened physically till he'd finished that relationship. He told me he saw us having babies together and we sent epic love texts. We were constantly smitten, laughing our heads off together - everyone says how great we were together.However the dreaded commitment word came up - he wasn't ready yet to move in and I said ok and accepted that as I said it would be a disaster if he moved in before he was ready. We spent Christmas together at his family's place, Valentine's Day he hand delivers me a card saying all my love and everything was fine. Then I got notice to move out of my flat and asked to stay with him for one month whilst I bought a place - he said ok.But as soon as that happened and I was looking at properties to as he said commit to being near him, it was like he began distancing himself away and freaking out. Two weeks before we split we had a chat and he said he wasn't sure when he'd commit and I said that's fine as long as you're not saying it will never happen and he said he wasn't saying that (he says he meant that at the time but two weeks later decided he didn't mean it but then another time said his feelings changing was a gradual slow thing! So he's very inconsistent!) and he loved me. Then he kept saying he loved me, nothing was wrong etc and then abruptly finished our relationship saying he loved me but wasn't in love with me and the passion had gone and then was very nasty saying things like we didn't have enough in common to go further and that he thought we were pretending to have more in common than we did! I couldn't believe this as we had been getting on fine, laughing, holding hands planning a holiday and then he just ends it. And everyone who knew/ met us said how they could see the passion between us and that he was nuts about me and they don't know what he's playing at. It was like he's changed how great our relationship was in his head to suit himself and justify it all. He even used the same words with me that he used to split with his ex, it's like a script for when it gets too serious!He was so cold and sent me a text half hour after to say he was sorry and he'll always care about me. He came round again to return items to me and was very cold saying he didn't agree he'd regret it and yes he can't commit and I deserve someone better. I know I did everything right and it's his commitment issues but how can you have all these fantastic ingredients and it still not be right?He still wants to be friends and is very shocked and upset that I don't want this as it is too painful for me.How can I get over losing my best friend and lover so abruptly? It doesn't make sense to me that we're over and I know there's nothing I can do as it's his mistake to make and I tried everything to give our relationship the care and attention it needed but it still wasn't enough! How do I avoid commitment phobics who keep their issues so well hidden in the future, plus how do I trust again when a man says he sees a future for us?Hope you can help,Confused
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the kind words and advice...I know you're right. Unfortunately I work at the same place as him too so it's hard to avoid him completely but when I have seen him I have blanked him completely. Not easy as he was also my best friend and I miss him very much but it's the only way I'll get over him if I don't speak at all. He said what do you mean we won't be friends, not ever? He says but I want to know how you are, how your holiday went etc - but I said no. As far as I'm concerned he's lost the right to know how I am.
Plus I feel if I were friends with him, aside from not being good for me, it would almost make him feel better (his last ex that he lived with stayed friends)and less guilty but he needs to understand (I think) that there are consequences to his actions - I was never just his friend and it's not what I want now so the consequence of him treating me like this is to not be able to have me in his life. It's hard but necessary.
I'm an all or nothing girl and I know what I want - if that scares him then he's not worthy of me and it's his loss - I think he'll regret it one day as there's not many people you meet who you connect with instantly like we did and be able to be silly with but it's his mistake to make.
So thanks again for your words, all made sense. I'm off on holiday next week with five female friends so I'm hoping that will help take my mind of it all!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2007): hi i feel for you but honestly its better your out of this situation than in it, he lied to you made you feel so special,then turned around and split your dreams apart with a sentance "i dont want this" so what did he want, he didnt want you the being together bit, the being a couple bit, so what exactly what did he want. in my mind he wanted an escape from the last one and he wants an escape from you dont blame yourself as we all go through things like this but give him a wide berth cause no good will come of this, if you try to get his affections back it will blow up in your face so take all the good times you had and look for all the danger signs he gave you and give your heart to the right one that crosses your path you will know who that is when the time is right dont be hard on yourself in my mind you had a lucky escape good luck x
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A
male
reader, Royofthe Rovers +, writes (19 April 2007):
 Not all men are like this, you just happened to find that someone who did'nt mind lying about things and felt comfortable doing it as well!
Its hard when people around you can see what you had, and comment on what a "perfect couple you are", but underneath there is something brewing quietly away without your knowledge. It stings.
The only thing you can take away from this is your experience and the fact that you done nothing wrong. You did'nt pressure him or smother him and it seems he was going that extra mile to make you feel like you were his only focus. That misdirection was a way to keep you happy, giving you a sense of security so you would'nt dream of questioning his real commitments. Being with someone for 2 years you would of thought his commitments to be fairly in the open, and you should'nt blame yourself for believing him.
You can't know who is trust worthy until you know someone well enough unfortunately, that is the bitch of it.
Walk away now; knowing he was'nt worth your soul or your time. If someone feels comfortable playing their partner like that then they have serious problems which they need to address, most never do.
You cant let this one experience dent your trust in the next person who walks into your life, that is a big mistake. Yes, take caution but give as much commitment as you would of him if things would of worked out. Don't be too down, you could of moved in with him and then found out what he was like.
I feel for you over the abruptness of it all, chin up and try to put him behind you and start to look onwards and upwards for that light on the horizon. I wish you all the best for your future...x
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